Hernia surgery

Robert had hernia surgery yesterday.  We've known for about 3-1/2 weeks that he had a hernia, but it had stopped bothering him so we weren't terribly concerned.  He finally saw a surgeon last week and he scheduled it for yesterday so that Robert might be able to compete again by the end of the cross country season.  Everything went well and we were home by mid-morning.  He slept most of the day and is handling the pain fairly well.  My mom came down last evening while we went to Thomas's cross country meet and she thought he looked as though he was doing well.  He tried going to school today, but I received a phone call to pick him up after just two hours.  Tomorrow is questionable, but we are hoping he might be able to make it through half a day.  We are also hoping that tomorrow being the beginning of September brings a healthier month!

A weekend with a lot of emtion

I wish I could say that yesterday was the end of the emotions for the weekend, but that is not the case.  Last evening I learned about the death of a schoolmate.  It wasn't someone I knew well, although I had known his brother better.  The deceased had graduated two years ahead of me and I had interacted with him minimally.  Having said that, he was only two years older.  That is always something to make one question one's own mortality.  Sadly, I've learned it was most likely a drug related death.

This morning I was greeted by the news of the death of someone I had known better as a child.  To be honest, I thought she had already passed away and I had just missed it at some point.  It turns out she had been suffering from dementia.  I also learned we shared the same birthday.  While at lunch with my mother and grandmothers, I learned about the death of a brother of a friend and classmate of my parents.  He wasn't yet 60, and again, it is sad news that makes one question mortality.

The most emotional thing about today though, was dealing with my sister.  We are considering purchasing a car from her that she had offered to give us years ago.  She rescinded her offer however, when Robert started pulling his stunts.  I'm not entirely certain what that has to do with Andrew and I and us paying for the car, but I'm sure it is her passive aggressive way of letting us know she thinks we are lousy parents.  I guess I should be grateful she is being passive aggressive as she has been known to come right out and tell us what she thinks of us as parents.  Anyway, we went today to give it a test drive, and the fact that I knocked on the door instead of ringing the doorbell, the fact that we came into the house because the kids had no where else to sit, and the fact that Andrew needed to use the restroom all managed to annoy her to no end and she didn't even want to discuss selling the car to me.  Robert even mentioned to my mom about what a bad mood she was in.  It truly, truly bothers me that my kids see my sister treat me as she does.  I was working so hard to make sure I didn't offend her because I truly never know what will set her off.

My emotions are so out of whack this weekend that I cried on the way home.  She hasn't been shy to express how awful it was growing up as her sister, and I'll be honest...I don't know what I did.  She mentioned to someone last week how she had to tell me that she didn't need me to be her third parent.  That is so odd...that is exactly the way I always felt about her.  I don't even remember wanting to be around her as an adolescent so I really don't know what she's talking about.  I do remember stopping to see her at school when we were really little, like when she was in first or second grade.  I suppose it might have been perceived as being overbearing and parental, but honestly it was just that I liked seeing my little sister.  In our adolescent years I always felt that she was being the third parent because she always made sure Mom knew everything I did that my sister considered to be incorrect.  I really hate that my kids see her treat me the way she does.  I try so very hard not to speak badly about her in front of them, and maybe that isn't okay.  Family unity is important to me though, and I don't want my mother and grandmothers hurt because my sister and I can't get along.  I guess I just need to learn to get over it.

Overall, it's been a tough weekend on my heart.  I'm sure part of it is hormones, part is the unbelievable heat, part is the lack of sleep in our lives these days, and part is the rash that is beginning to break out on my face and the allergies that are in full swing (the rash might be another post).  Hopefully I get a grip on things and function like I need to this week!

Sometimes you just can't be stoic

Today, even just by Noon, was one of the most emotional days I've had as a mom in a long time.  Our boys had a home cross country meet.  Of course it is another one of those miserably stifling and oppressive days.  Andrew and I had agreed to work the traffic post, as there was a point in the course where the runners have to cross the driveway at about the 1/2 way mark of the race.  They had planned to do it such that we would be able to watch our own kids run, but honestly, that isn't really how it was going to work out.  I was okay with just seeing Robert only pass us, and to be honest, I was pretty sure Thomas was going to be close enough to the end of the pack that I'd still be able to get to the finish line.  When Robert came by, I could tell he was struggling, and I was a little concerned after last week.  He was the last high school race, and as we began adjusting to move to our middle school race crossing point, I saw two female runners that know us running out to us.  My immediate thought was, "Uh oh."  As they came closer I yelled, "Everything okay ladies?"  My mom intuition was barking.  Heather responded that Robert had gone down and was completely out for a time.  The trainer had gotten to him and they were taking him in.  I asked if he was conscious, and Heather explained that he had been able to get into the gator on his own.  I had Andrew call the trainer, and he said that Robert seemed to be responding well to an ice bath.  We explained that we were out working on the course, but would come in if needed.  The trainer stated that he thought we'd be okay.

The middle school girls ran next, and then the middle school boys.  I'll be honest, part of me was so dreading this.  I was completely realistic that Thomas was probably going to walk about 80% of the two miles, and that was fine.  Having already had one kid go down, and knowing that Thomas has a history of health problems in the heat, well, that definitely added to my concern.  The lead runners came by, the next pack came by, the steady flow of the middle runners came by, and the last pack came by.  The stragglers started coming by, and one was a friend of Thomas's.  I could tell her was struggling, and kept asking if he needed anything.  He crossed our area, and when he got to the grass on the other side he stopped and stooped over.  I kept my eye on him and kept asking if he was okay.  Finally I had Andrew call the athletic director and tell him that we needed an adult following these runners in a cart (a good move as it turned out he was also unable to finish the race).  During none of this was there any sign of Thomas.  I finally told Andrew to take off going on the course going towards the beginning to make sure he wasn't down somewhere.  Finally I saw someone walking in the far off distance, and as a mom I immediately recognized it as my son's walk.  He came by and I gave him an extra bottle of water we had on hand.  Not sure if that is allowed, but I didn't really care.  We decided it wouldn't be a bad idea of Andrew kind of jogged nearby (there was one other runner behind him at this point) since the golf cart was already up ahead with the others.

I cleaned up a few things at my post that I needed to do, and then I began to walk to the finish line.  As I came around the corner of the school, I realized that one of our team's runners had someone running along side him.  I began crying and took off running when I realized it was Thomas and Catherine was running right next to her brother.

The emotions of the day were just too much for me at that point.  As Thomas came into view of the finish line (he still had a loop to make) the various people gathered around saw Thomas and Catherine come around the corner together, followed by his dad, and then followed by his crying mom.  A lady I knew from church gave me a hug and I just couldn't seem to get words out through the tears.  They weren't sad tears, although there certainly had been concern about Robert.  They were tears of pride as I watched my son keep fighting through the struggle, and watching my daughter, who had struggled the exact same way two years ago, remember that I had run alongside her at the end of her very first race and did the same for her brother.

I was able to get to the finish line well ahead of Thomas who had to finish his loop.  My sister, my mother, and my grandmother had come down for this race and we were all standing near the finish.  I suddenly noticed Lizzie, one of my favorite high school students.  She realized Thomas was still out on the course, and began gathering her high school teammates to cheer him at the finish line.  Thomas's middle school teammates had already been cheering him on as he came into view around the corner earlier.  I cried again as I watched my son cross the finish line, and in what I consider to be a moment of divine intervention, someone caught Thomas crossing the finish line on video.  I was just completely overwhelmed by it all.

I spent some time conversing with my family, and then we all headed our separate ways.  When we came into our house, I told each of my kids how proud I was of each of them.  I'm proud of Robert for trying, I was so very proud of Thomas for finishing no matter he how felt, and so proud of Catherine for being there for her brother.  I began crying again as I told them each this (I'm also pretty hot & tired at this point which might have something to do with my emotions).

Every time I reflect on it, I begin to tear up again.  This is exactly where we are supposed to be at this point in our lives.  There is no way I could ever begin to question that.  I will never forget the moment I realized it was Catherine I was seeing run alongside her brother, or hearing all of those cheers from his teammates as he ran at the end.  I'll never forget the moment I saw Lizzie gathering her teammates to be there to cheer for Thomas as crossed the finish line.  I know it wasn't just about a teammate, although Lizzie would've done that for everyone.  It was also my husband's son.  I'm so blessed to get to see everyday how much my husband is liked and respected by his students.  It wasn't just a matter of being there for Thomas...these kids wanted to be there for Andrew's son.  I am so very grateful to get to be the mother of my amazing kids, and for all of these moments we had today.

Random thoughts from a SAHM

My younger kids are in their first full week of school after beginning mid-week last week.  We are into a routine, and as crazy busy as everything is, life is good.  Catherine is adjusting to high school and I think she might really blossom this year.  Thomas seems focused and determined as he begins his 7th grade year, and I'm impressed with that.  Robert loves his career tech school, and seems like a happier person than I've seen him be in a very long time...maybe even ever.  I told Andrew last evening that goodness knows not every day is going to be peaceful, but I'll gladly take the ones that are.

The start of school also brings about the annual budget conversation.  Am I going to start subbing again this year?  Originally I had thought that wasn't even a possibility until Robert graduated from high school.  I had hoped that between Andrew's raise this year, his coaching football, and my small church job, we wouldn't need to worry about subbing.  Reality though, is that kids are expensive.  Early next year, Robert should be able to get his driver's license, and next fall Catherine will be able to do the same.  Insuring teen drivers is EXPENSIVE.  Of course, this isn't news to anyone who has done so!  We are asking for each kid to pay 1/2 of their insurance.  I have some guilt about this as I didn't have to do this when I was kid.  I also recognize though, that my father worked 60-70 hours a week and it wasn't uncommon for me to barely see him during the week (he worked Saturdays often as well).  If I had plans on Saturday evening (and I usually did) then Sunday was our only day together.  I have wonderful memories though of lunches and car rides and just hanging out watching football or whatever we might be doing.  Would I have been willing to pay for my own insurance if it had meant more than just Sundays together?  No one can answer that...I knew what I knew.

So that makes me ask...has there been any benefit to my not working?  I'm certainly a more pleasant person for not being stressed about trying to get things done, but has it really mattered that I've been home with my kiddos?  Is not learning to control my stress even if I'm working a sign of weakness, or is it a strength that I recognize my limitations.  My mom always felt it really mattered to me that she was home every day after school, but was that just her justification for being home when I was a kid?  I recently read an article online about a woman who now has grown children and while she doesn't like to use the word regret she wishes she hadn't spent time away from her career.  I was a little aghast that she felt she had betrayed all the working women who came before her by staying home (I found that to be a little dramatic).  She felt that she was showing her daughter you didn't have to try to have it all.  By the way, I agree that's what she was doing,  and isn't that okay to not try to have it all?  She mentioned that she realized how much earning potential she had sacrificed by being out of the workforce, and how much more she could make today if she had kept working.

Obviously, it really made me think about our family's choices.  I don't resent my Dad for working all of those hours and he was always incredibly generous to us.  At the same time, I find myself thinking that if Andrew and I are able to pay our bills and have a nice savings account, why should we work more just to have more?   I'm not saying that our answer is the answer for everyone.  There are absolutely families who have to work more because they don't have the safety net of family to help, or they've had bad luck in terms of health or jobs or timing...you just never know.  I don't judge at all.  And I don't judge those families who are working oodles of hours each week because they want to drive fancy cars and own fancy houses...that is what works for them.  I guess I'm just saying that I choose to be happy as we are.  I have the rest of my life to work, but I only get to be a full time mom with full time mom duties for a few more years.

Ultimately, I've decided to renew my sub license.  Working two days a week or so during the school year isn't going to substantially add to my stress levels, and it will definitely help pay for that teenage car insurance.  At the end of the day, I'm just going to try to do the best I can, hope that my children know they are loved, and hope that I can at least foster kindness and respect within my own little corner of this great, big, crazy world.

Five o'clock and nowhere to go

At 5:00 this evening I looked at my kids and was delighted to say out loud, "It is only 5:00 in the evening and I have no where else I need to be this evening."  I really can't say how excited I am by this fact.  By no means does this mean that we are all just relaxing at home...nope.  Andrew is coaching his first official football game of the season and it's an away game (and in the path of a possible tornado, but that's another story) so he won't be home until after at least one of the children is in bed.  At the same time, it's nice to be home, even if I'm soloing.

I was all over the place this afternoon.  I had to pick Robert up from his school which is 1/2 hour away and then take him to the surgeon to discuss his hernia.  There is no question that is exactly what he has and he will need to have surgery within the next couple of weeks.  He is so disappointed that he'll have to miss a few weeks of cross country again, but this needs to be handled and he doesn't really have a good time in his season. 

Sometimes it feels like there just isn't a dull moment around here!

DNF to DNS

Are you familiar with DNF?  For racing fans, that would be recognized as "did not finish".  Unfortunately, that was the scenario with Robert and his cross country race this weekend.  I noticed when I saw him early in the race that he seemed to be struggling more than I expected him to be.  He looked okay when I saw him a bit later, but at the 1.5 mile mark I didn't see him at all.  When some of our less experienced and less athletic runners came by and he hadn't, I knew something was wrong.  Thomas pointed him out and I saw that he was with his coach, and appeared to be in distress.  I phoned Andrew who had gone past the 2 mile mark to see them and then I began walking towards Robert.  By this time, they had gotten a gator to him and it was heading towards medical.  The coach pointed me out to the driver and they stopped for me.  Turns out he had heat exhaustion.  He looked pretty bad when I first saw him in the gator, but by the time I got over to him at medical, he was starting to look much better.  He recovered quickly and for that I am very grateful.  We were all disappointed that no time was recorded, but obviously that is not the important issue.

After the race we drove further east to have dinner with Andrew's parents.  It was a very nice dinner and I could tell they were very grateful we had included them in our day.  Unfortunately as we were leaving, the DNS portion of our day happened.  This would be the exact opposite of DNF...it's a "did not start".  Andrew's parents car wouldn't start.  We aren't entirely certain what happened, but we gave the car a jump and they were on their way.  They had a full tank of gas an no need to stop until they were home, so we were cautiously optimistic they'd be okay.  We were glad to hear from them when they made it home.  At their ages, they just don't deal with adversity well anymore.

All in all, it was a very eventful day!  Yesterday was a day for my side of the family as we visited at a birthday party for a bit.  And of course today is the beginning of our first, full, crazy-as-ever week!

We opened the windows

The last six weeks have been hot.  Not just warm, but HOT.  I never care for hot.  Our a/c has been running without being turned off for the past six or seven weeks, and I don't ever remember having a summer where that has happened.  Usually there is some kind of a break, but until today there hadn't been one.  Finally, this morning we have turned off the a/c.  I am so happy to be able to have the windows open again.  I recognize that this might set off my allergies, which haven't been to bad this year.  Regardless, I am very excited about cooler temps and gorgeous weather!