Today seemed an appropriate ending for this month

I awoke this morning with a migraine.  One dose of medication didn't do the trick, and even the second one was rough.  I suspect it was related to the lack of protein from yesterday.  Regardless, it was a rough morning.  I went in about 90 minutes late, and to be honest, I still didn't feel great even when I went in.  And then our afternoon hit.  I got a phone call from a parent at the school.  She was crying, I was crying, my coworkers were crying.  I will not break confidentiality, but this family does not deserve anything that is happening to them and we are all heartbroken.  Our day also started with our Early Care worker needing to be out, and since I'm normally the one who handles it and I couldn't, it was all a crazy day.  It was emotional, it was heavy, and it felt inline with how my month had gone.  But tomorrow is October, we have a really fun weekend planned, and I'm optimistic it will be spectacular!

Another trip to my hometown for another funeral

I made another trip to my hometown this evening for yet another funeral.  This man was my high school math teacher, but he and Georgia also became good friends with my mom and were there for her so many times after my dad died.  My mom has taken this very hard, which I completely understand.  I was prepared to be emotional about his passing and seeing Georgia.  I was not prepared for so many of my high school teachers and administrators to also be present (although I certainly should have been...it's a small town!!) and it was just a bit overwhelming, especially being back in the same funeral home 17 days after my grandmother's funeral.

Today was also verdict day in the trial of a murder in my hometown.  It's made national news, and it has been so, so awful.  The jury was out for two hours and 15 minutes before returning with guilty verdicts on all nine counts.  I was listening live, and at first I wanted to cheer, but no amount of guilty verdicts or jail time served is going to bring Ashley back.  Nothing will give Todd & Jill their daughter back, and most importantly, nothing will give Ava & Alyssa their mother back, and they've lost their father as well.  My heart is broken for the family, but grateful that justice has been served.

It is safe to say this September has not been my most favorite.  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, but also so, so grateful.  I've really learned a lot about myself over the last month, and more than anything, I've reaffirmed how amazing my husband is and what a great team we make together.  The stress of this month, while a lot, has also allowed me to see so very many blessings that are a part of my life every day!

An end, a beginning, and other changes

Today we officially finished emptying my grandma's assisted living space.  We had to be out by this coming Wednesday, so it's nice to have that finished.  It's also awful, of course, because she is gone.  But I keep reminding myself, she's really been mostly gone for the last two years, and I'm so grateful that she is no longer existing as she was.  And I can only imagine how glorious that reunion in Heaven was when she was greeted by Grandpa and my dad, not to mention her parents and brother and sister.  Although the thought brings tears to my eyes, they aren't necessarily sad tears.

And in a beginning, Thomas and Lyndi invited us to their house for dinner, and Catherine and Zeke joined as well.  It was a lovely evening getting to visit with everyone, and I was honored that we were their first dinner guests.  It was a long day as I'd made the trip to my hometown and back, and then made the hour + trip to their house.  It was so great to all be together though.

We've also made a big change for our holiday plans.  I explained to my mother that with Thomas and Lyndi's move and a new dog, it will be very difficult for them to have to make a trip to my hometown for Christmas Day.  Mom was willing to go to a different day, but I explained it wouldn't be necessary this year as long as Mom would be willing to make the trip down to our house.  This also eliminates the stress of getting mom's house presentable for the meal.  Not in decent shape, mind you, just so it doesn't stink and shit can be hidden in rooms.  Also, she doesn't decorate so it will be nice to have a tree and everything.  My sister wasn't going to tell me no, but she did say she probably wouldn't come.  I offered to do the gift exchange at another time so she would just be missing the meal, and she said she's send the gifts down.  It breaks my heart to think of my sister being alone on Christmas, but she specifically told me she wouldn't be coming down because she didn't want to spend that much time in a car that day.  I've offered to drive up and get my mom AND take her back, but the two hours in the car to spend Christmas Day here is too much.  I could also point out that since September 1, I've made nine round trips back and forth to my home town, including two that would have been completely unnecessary except that my sister didn't want to deal with things.  Totally understandable as she was dealing with a lot, but I'm not sure why it's so expected for me and not acceptable for her.  Anyway, I'm excited about the thought of having family here together that day.  My mother-in-law is also considering being here from Thanksgiving though Christmas, but that isn't a done deal yet.  We'll see how that plays out.  

I'm completely exhausted.  September is the busiest month for Andrew, and adding Grandma's death and all that goes with it has been a lot to deal with.  We are soooo close to my favorite months of the year though, and I'm so grateful.  There are so many blessings!

Saturday morning

I'm very grateful for this Saturday morning.  The temps were in the 40's overnight, and it was chilly...my kind of weather!  Andrew had to stat at the game last night and then work the JV game this morning, but I've enjoyed some quiet time.  I slept in and slept some more!  I got up and took our sweet pup on a walk around the block.  It was so peaceful, and we watched the deer in our neighbor's yard.  I got home and I've been relaxing and enjoying the quiet.  Janey just hopped into Andrew's recliner with Marble, our cat from the woods who adopted us last year.  They are buddies and it is so incredibly sweet to see them together.  And Maudie, my grandma's cat who came to live with us 6-1/2 years ago, is now eleven and always curls up next to me when I'm sitting with my computer.

This month has really kicked our butts physically, and it's been really hard emotionally as well.  But, it won't always be this way.  And even when things are hard, there are still beautifully peaceful moments of joy like I'm experiencing at this very moment!

A lot of emotions

Today was unexpectedly full of emotions.  This evening, I've been going through the bags of things my sister had me bring to my house from Grandma's place.  Of course there are tons of pictures and cards and other memories, but there were two bags that really got me.  One was all the cards she received when my grandfather passed away in 2004.  The other was from my Dad's passing.  There were so many cards and notes she received, and the ones that knew my dad personally wrote about what a fighter he was.  And she had all the articles and tributes that had been written in about him as well.  Because Dad is gone, my sister and I are so much more involved in this, and we've lost a link to my dad as well.  It was unexpected.

Other emotions are because of a murder trial that is happening in my hometown.  It's really so, so awful, and although I don't know the people, my mother knows some of the family, and it's just a really awful situation.

And I'm a little emotional about missing my husband.  We've had so very little time together in the last three weeks.  He's been incredible and I don't know how he is continuing to put in such long days at school.  I'm so very, very grateful for him. 

In ten days, we are headed to IL for a weekend with our friends.  I'm so looking forward to so much laughter that is sure to happen!

And today is the first day of fall, and it feels like it!  It was chilly and I needed a jacket.  A candle is lit, and if I can ever get things put away I'll even decorate for fall.  So ready for this season!

I need a rest from my weekend

I got off work Friday at 3:51, and as far as I was concerned 3:52 was the best moment of the entire week.  We were going to get to sleep in Saturday morning, and I was really looking forward to a little bit of relaxing.  And we did...a little bit.  Friday was the high school Homecoming football game, but I stayed home and worked on organizing photos.  I woke up earlier yesterday than I had wanted to, but it was a good night of sleep.  I worked photos again throughout the day, and last night was our every-other-month-planned-dinner with very, very dear friends.  We had agreed that we would pick up my best friend, Steph, because her husband had to work.  One by one, literally everyone else backed out, and it ended up just being the three of us.  We had the best time!  We ended up being out later than expected, but we had a blast.

Today was a day that was really rough.  I had be on the road early this morning, to my hometown, to help get things out of the assisted living facility.  There was a group coming to take much of the larger furniture, although my sister and I are keeping quite a few things.  My aunt already had retrieved the furniture she wanted.  My sister and I were there for hours, packing, unpacking, sorting, pitching, etc.  We moved some furniture over to my mom's house (don't get me started) and my cousin and her son helped with that.  My sister became emotional on occasion, and all out cried at one point.  I know this is hard on her for so many reasons.  K and I were very, very close to this grandmother, but Grandma was really hard at the end, and I know K wonders if she did enough for her.  I know she did, but my sister is emotional.  We ended our afternoon with a fight, and I truly regret that.  I don't regret that I pushed back when she verbalized some feelings, but I regret that she then kind of had a meltdown, to the point that it would probably be a good idea if she spent some time talking to a professional.  I then had to go over to my mom's, which is always tough, and then I drove to Thomas's house.  They've had a situation develop as well that is challenging, and we thought we might have to drive back up again after I got home.  Instead, we managed to get my car unloaded so that we could drive to the church and reload it with the items collected for our back to school drive.

Andrew made us a lovely dinner, and I was famished.  I'm so grateful for him.  He has something in the evening every day this coming week again.  September is definitely my least favorite month this year!

Ready for sweater weather

I am so ready to decorate for fall, have candles lit, and start wearing sweatshirts and sweaters.  Unfortunately, while tomorrow will be in the 70's with comfortable dew points, there upper 80's and even 90's in the forecast for the week.  So the above all seems unlikely and silly.

After such an incredibly draining day yesterday, I stayed home this morning.  My poor husband had to go to church anyway because of some activities happening for which he was responsible.  I took the dog on a walk and enjoyed the peaceful and quiet nature, reminding me again why I love our location.  I then came home and watched the photo video that was playing at Grandma's visitation, and then I had a good, sobbing, cry.  I hadn't cried at all in the last weeks while watching my Grandmother pass or in planning and going through the services.  In addition, we had Thomas moving into his new house, my mother passing out at the services and me spending the rest of the day at the hospital with her, Lyndi in the emergency room Friday night with a migraine, and my mother receiving word of the passing of a family friend unexpectedly while on vacation.  I. Am. Exhausted.  I also hold it all together and always have, and now that there seems to be nothing to take care of today, I know I will be emotional.

My poor husband, though, he has been through it all with me as well, and he has an incredibly crazy week coming up.  The athletic director is out of town, for the entire week, so Andrew has to handle everything.  Which means our poor sweet pup is going to have much more alone time than she would like.  In an effort to minimize that, I'm not going to get nearly as much done during the week with my jobs, but it will have to be okay.  At the end of the day, it will all be okay.

That was unexpected

Today was the service for my grandmother.  Andrew did the service as he did with my uncle, and he did a fabulous job.  We were blessed with the presence of friends and family, and we couldn't be more grateful for our friends who closed their restaurant so we could be a "private event" this afternoon.  My grandmother looked amazing, and it was just beautiful.

Except for the part where my mom collapsed.  It was about 1/2 way through the visitation, and one minute she was talking to Catherine, and the next minute she was non-responsive and borderline seizing.  We called 9-1-1, and the station is only a block away from the funeral home.  Everyone jumped into action quickly, and I was confident she'd be fine.  My mom's friend who had just arrived offered to accompany her to the hospital.  After our meal was finished, I went to the hospital and my sister went to the house to stay with the dog.  As I suspected, Mom has a UTI, and it tends to initially present in exactly this way.

It was nearly 8:00 by the time I got home today after getting Mom home from the hospital.  To say that I'm exhausted and drained is an understatement.  Everyone has thoughtfully been checking in and I keep telling Andrew it could have been so, so much worse.  But I am ready to sleep well tonight!

Twenty-five years ago

To be honest, I didn't really want to remember today.  I didn't want to think about the horror of twenty-five years ago.  But I also know for so many, there is no other option.  While our country changed forever that day, there are families who had giant holes from this date.  I've been praying for the victim's and loved ones all day.  It's just so hard to believe an entire quarter century has passed in the blink of an eye.  I pray for our country.

Tomorrow, we bury Grandma.  Ted has written a beautiful little speech to give at the cemetery, although it is supposed to rain.  It will work out.  I am so, so, so grateful for the memories of my grandparents.  Even as a child, I remember being grateful that my parents had me when they were so young which meant I had young grandparents.  How many people get to say they lost their last living grandparent at age 52??  I've been beyond blessed.

My memories of Grandma

My grandma was only 42 when she became a grandmother.  My younger sister and I were the only grandchildren until I was seven and my aunt was married and gained a step-son.  Although we never used the word "step" in our family (and still don't), they lived over an hour away and never had the same bond.  Six years later my aunt & uncle adopted a child who was ten years old.  Again, they still lived away and just never had the same connection, although he does adore my grandmother.

Because my grandparents were so young, they did so many things with us.  They would play badminton on their driveway, or stay up with us on New Year's Eve.  They took us to their summer place in Michigan.  Whatever it was, they delighted in us, and especially so my grandmother.  Grandpa had his grumpy moments, but never Grandma.  The woman had a quiet strength about her.  My sister, mom, and I are all strong women, but not quietly!  Grandma just took care of what needed to be handled, and she never wanted anyone to have to worry about her.  She was an amazing care giver to my grandfather for seven years as he battled Parkinson's, and she also helped to care for my dad and mom at various points of their illnesses.  When her sister and sister-in-law, the last two of her generation besides her, passed away a week apart and people worried about her, Grandma was quick to announce "Pish, posh" and she handled things just fine.  And she was always so pleased with herself when she did something she knew most people her age couldn't.  I remember her strolling in to Robert's baseball game swinging her lawn chair at age 81.  She was so pleased she was there.

And nothing pleased my grandma more than her family.  My sister and I helped decorate their tree every year on the day after Thanksgiving, and it came down on New Year's Eve when we stayed over.  Her great-grandchildren were just as enjoyed, and she loved when she could have my kids anytime, but especially over night.  Catherine commented the other day about how there was ice cream at her house.  I remember we visited one time, and she decided we would stay for a dinner of hot dogs, mac & cheese, fruit, and of course dessert of ice cream or cookies.  Nothing made her happier.

I'll miss Grandma, but honestly, I've been missing her for over two years.  The woman she has been during those two years is not at all the grandmother I knew.  It started five years ago when she moved into Assisted Living, but two years ago was when the decline really changed who she was.  Although, our last visit a couple of weeks ago, she still said that she "didn't require much."  My response to her was that even though she didn't need anything, if there was something she wanted I was happy to get it for her.

I am so grateful that my grandma was such an integral part of my life for so, so many years.  And I'm also so grateful that she has gone on and is with my grandpa and dad, and her brother and sister and so many others.

We will miss you, Grandma

My grandma passed away late this morning.  While there is relief and comfort in knowing she is reunited with so many loved ones and is no longer in any pain or discomfort, there are so many wonderful memories about this amazing woman.  I can only imagine how happy she was to see Grandpa and my dad again.  I am beyond grateful to have been her granddaughter.

Grandma is still hanging on

My grandmother is still hanging on.  Hospice is there around the clock, and my sister has basically moved in.  My aunt is there each day, and I was up Wednesday evening and most of yesterday.  At one point yesterday, the nurse gathered us and said he hadn't breathed in two minutes, but my aunt took her hand and she breathed again.  Last evening, my sister and I sat by her bed, mostly in silence, and the nurse told us it would be anytime.  It was heart wrenching listening to my sister tell Grandma it was okay to go, and that she could go see Grandpa and my dad, as well as Uncle Bill (her brother) and Aunt Margie (her sister).  I kept sitting there praying God would help her let go and asking for his mercy.

The nurses have decided it is best if we don't sit in with her, unless it is something we feel strongly about.  I'm not making the trip up today, and my sister and aunt are hanging out in a different room.  I won't lie.  This really is awful.  I am praying again that Grandma passes peacefully.

The beginning of September

Today is September 1, but it feels more like July or August.  The heat index is near 100 all week, which means we were able to postpone our school picnic that was supposed to be held on Thursday.  We are already wilting, and two more days of this isn't going to be helpful.

It was also seventy-six years ago today that my paternal grandparents were married.  Today, my grandmother is lying in a bed in her assisted living home.  Hospice has been called in, and they believe my grandmother is actively dying (such an ironic phase).  My aunt has been there all day, my sister will stay over tonight, and I'll go up tomorrow afternoon.  I'll be grateful when this is over and my grandmother is reunited with Grandpa, Dad, and so many others.

It's an emotional few days.