He isn't a little boy anymore

One day this summer our family was driving somewhere in the van.  Thomas was sitting behind my husband and when I turned around to look at him, it suddenly hit me in the face that he isn't a little boy anymore.   Even though I know he is thirteen, something just suddenly struck me.  He was sitting with his headphones and he just looked older.

In so many ways though, he is still my baby.  For one thing, as my youngest, he is always "the baby".  And he has such a tender and sensitive heart, and sometimes he still likes to sit with me, and he plays well with younger kids...so sometimes it is easy to still think of him as little himself.  He still looks at the toy catalogs, and is just so sweet and innocent.

Yesterday, I subbed in a sixth grade classroom.  At the end of the day, Thomas came by to pick up his duffel bag for his after school activity.  The kids had all left, and I was chatting with another adult, when I looked over and saw this person in the doorway...my son.  My not-so-little-and-not-so-young son was standing in the doorway with his peach fuzz on his upper lip and actually some height to him.  It struck me again, that he isn't a little boy anymore.  I miss those days, but I love watching the person he is becoming!

Being band mom

For months, Andrew has commented on my role as "band mom".  I have adamantly denied that statement.  He has pointed out though, that I am the mom who was at band camp every day and I'm the one who fed the kids and arranged to have parents help with food.  I am the one who collects all the money and handles all the fundraisers, as well as being in the schools to collect information.  However, I maintain that there are many parents who do far more than I do with their chaperoning and pit crew during the season, not to mention the uniform parents and many others.  However, I am the ones the kids know.

Last week at the concert, several students handed me their sweaters or jackets as they were walking to the stage, and one even handed me her flute case.  Andrew of course was sitting next to me, and he began to chuckle.  At that point, I kind of had to admit, I might be the band mom!  Ultimately I don't mind because I really like the kids.  At the same I am ready for the season to end and just be mom to my own kids!

A perfect Saturday evening

Our Saturday morning felt almost as crazy as Friday.  Thomas had art first thing, and I had to work at the church.  The end of the month is here and that means deadlines!  I also had some band responsibilities with deadlines, and needed to get to the grocery.  Andrew and Robert came home from Columbus, and by the time everyone was home, we decided it just wasn't going to work out to go visit our friends like we had originally planned.  We hated to cancel, but in the long run, it was definitely the best decision.

Instead of being gone, our evening consisted of "fun" food (i.e. wings and potato skins) for dinner.  We had a fire in the fireplace, and watched some great football.  Everyone was tired and went to bed early (even the teens) and we were able to get a good night of sleep.

It was a really fabulous Saturday evening, in spite of the change of plans.  We needed that down time, and I'm so grateful it worked out that way!

Not the birthday I would've chosen

Today is my birthday.  It isn't exactly the one I would've chosen, although much better than last year.  Last year we had to attend a meeting at the career school to determine whether or not Robert would be allowed to remain at that school based on some poor decisions.

This year was far better, but to be honest, it didn't feel like my birthday.  I've not opened the first card or present.  Normally, we open things and have cake, no matter how late it is before we are all home together.  That just didn't happen today though.  In fact, my oldest never even wished me a happy birthday.  I worked at the middle school today and while the job was fine, I always much prefer to be at the high school.  It was senior night at school, and I had band responsibilities to handle after school before picking Thomas up from a student council meeting.  By the time we got home, Andrew needed to leave in order to be back to the high school for some football responsibilities.  I took all the kids up later so Catherine and Thomas could play with the band, and Robert could help me with my responsibilities for senior night.  It began misting after school, started raining by the time we got to the football field, and proceeded to rain harder and harder.  I stayed long enough to see our band seniors get recognized, and then I came home.  In spite of my poncho and spending as much time as I could under cover, I came home soaked.  And this is nothing at all that would be considered a warm rain.  It is bringing a cold front with it and it is down right cold.

Robert and Andrew left before the game even began as well because they have a long drive this evening.  Robert has to be 2-1/2 hours away at 6:30 in the morning, so decided last night that I wanted them to go ahead and make the drive this evening and get a motel, so they wouldn't have to leave the house at 4AM.  They left an hour before Catherine and Thomas were finished with band, so there was no opening of anything and not one bite of birthday cake.  It's not at all the worst birthday I've had, but in some ways it felt a little bit lonely!

This week's band concert

Catherine and Thomas had a band concert this week.  Generally speaking, I don't enjoy their concerts.  Often, it is a great deal of work for me due to my band volunteer responsibilities, and I don't necessarily love sitting through the music.  This week though, was something very different.  Thomas's band was second, and I love how much he loves band.  His eighth grade class is a really fabulous group of kids, and with it being a smaller group I have the opportunity to know the kids a little better.

Catherine's group was the last one.  They dressed in their marching band uniforms, and although they couldn't perform the movements of their show, they could play the music.  This is by far the best group of students that have been in marching band since I've been involved with the Boosters (Robert's eighth grade year).  I truly like and enjoy this year's marching band students, and I especially love watching how much FUN they have while performing.  They love being out there and it shows.  For the first time, I really enjoyed being able to be the band concert!

An autumn day

Today it really feels like fall.  A cold front came through overnight, and it's overcast and windy, and I love it.  I know I'm probably a little odd that way, but I just don't feel there is anything cozier than weather like this.  It helps that I'm off work today, and I don't have anywhere I need to be until Catherine & Thomas's band concert this evening.  I'm grateful for this time.

We have received a great deal of sad news within the last 48 hours.  The father of some very dear family friends, a man whom I have known literally my entire life, took his own life yesterday morning.  He was in his 90's and although his physical deterioration had been slow, mentally the deterioration had been rapid.  We also learned this morning that that a lady from church who has worked with Andrew for years passed away this weekend.  It wasn't unexpected, but still sad.

We also learned the results yesterday of my aunt's lymph node biopsy.  Only one lymph node has cancer, but it is still one more than we had hoped.

With all of this sadness, I am grateful for some down and alone time today.

Focusing on us

It was a rather rough weekend in our house.  For privacy, I will not divulge much info, but I will state that we would appreciate any good thoughts and prayers that could be sent our way.  There was a lot of stress and a lot of sadness, but there were good moments as well.  Saturday evening, Robert wasn't home, and the four of us that were really took the time to focus on us.  I hate the circumstances that brought us to that point, but I am grateful that we rallied around each other, and really just tried to enjoy the four of us being together.  In fact, we even had a family slumber party, and all four of us slept in the family room together.  That may sound odd, but Andrew and I both mentioned it actually brought us a great deal of comfort to wake during the night and see us all together.  Even Abby the dog joined us!  We spent yesterday morning just being together and focusing again on each other, before we needed to start dealing with the realities of the world again.  Before anyone panics and worries too greatly, I think for the most part, things will be okay.  I'll always be grateful for my family, and for our time spent together!

A bittersweet end to football season

Normally, as a coach's wife, I look forward to the end of football season with eager anticipation.  I always look forward to having my husband back, although coaching middle school isn't nearly as awful as coaching high school in terms of the time commitment.  Still, I enjoy when the season is over.

This season of course, had the added element of Thomas playing.  This Wednesday was the last game, and although the team had managed three ties, they had four losses and no victories.  Things started out fabulously with a touch down on the very first play of the game, but ultimately things didn't go our way.  Thomas was in for a few plays on the punt team and was also in for some other plays.  After the game, the team huddled in the end zone, and then I was there to greet Thomas as he walked off.  He had tears in his eyes and when I asked him why, he replied, "I just didn't want the season to end this way."  I just gave him a big hug because I understood.  I hated that at no point had he been able to experience victory on the football field, and of course I also know that my husband feels responsible for that as well (although I tell him he did the best he could with what he had to work with).  Thomas had some cookies and cheered up, and we all went home. 

Andrew was a few minutes behind us, and I greeted him in the driveway with a big hug.  Of course I am grateful that the season's responsibilities are over, but I do wish they had been able to get a victory.  I also know that the moments Andrew and Thomas had together were special, and I'm so grateful they had them.  It was by far, the most bittersweet ending to a football season I've experienced.

A sadness I remember all too well

This weekend, there was a teenager killed in an accident from a town in our region.  What makes this especially sad, is this little community just lost two teenagers in August...three teenagers lost in just nine weeks.  That is a lot to deal with in such a short time.  Sadly, I remember those feelings from my own high school years.  In my four years of high school, we lost six teenagers, and another three were killed during my 8th grade year.  That is nine teenagers from August, 1987 - December 1991...and that is entirely too many.  I remember the last one in 1991.  Jeannette was the one I was personally closest to, and as we gathered together at a friend's house, I remember thinking it had to be it.  Our little town couldn't take anymore.  I know that those experiences had a profound impact on who I am and how I react to things.  It's a lot to deal with, especially for teenagers who don't always know how to process their emotions.  My prayers are with the victim's families.

He ran his last cross country race

Saturday morning was the league meet for the cross country season.  Of course, before the race, we had caught Robert in another lie regarding how he wasn't where he was supposed to be (the downside to him having the freedom of a driver's license).  The hard part with him is that he is insistent on going down swinging, and even though I am standing there calmly explaining the evidence, he keeps with his story.  Honestly, it is insulting how stupid he seems to think we are sometimes, but that's another story.  We knew this was going to be Robert's last race of his high school career because many teammates were running faster and he wouldn't get to compete in districts next week.  Robert ran his second best race of the season, but it was still about 90 seconds off of his personal best time.  He just couldn't keep himself together after the race.  The emotions of everything just became too much for him.  He was so disappointed in himself and his performances this year, and there would be no more opportunity to improve.

It seems hard to believe that we are reaching this season of "lasts", but it is time.  It definitely needs to happen.  It is definitely time for Robert to move on to the next phase of his life.  Hopefully there will be some successes in swimming or track, but in the meantime, it is hard to see my child hurting.

Twenty five years since high school

This weekend I returned to my hometown for my 25th high school class reunion.  I was really looking forward to the opportunity to catch up with others.  There were only about 25 classmates there (along with spouses or significant others), but I really enjoyed seeing those that were there.  It just seems so hard to believe that an entire quarter of a century has passed since high school.  Many of us have teenagers ourselves now.  A few have children whom have already graduated from high school, and a couple are even grandparents themselves already!  I wasn't overly close with the people in my class, but we share a common childhood that can't be changed.  It was a fun evening.

A "little extra" to our weekend

I am off today, and it is the first Friday I have been off this school year.  I could have chosen any number of jobs, but I had my doctor appointment this morning.  Robert's career school was also closed today (which meant sleeping in about 40 minutes) and Andrew took a sick day for my appointment as well.  That mean 60% of our family was off today!  Because of my doctor appointment this morning I didn't really feel I could relax and enjoy the weekend until after my blood was drawn (I really don't care for needles) but by mid-morning I felt I could officially enjoy the weekend.  And by three of us being off today, it was a little something extra to our weekend as well!

Going to bed hungry

This morning I was scheduled to have some blood work.  Nothing at all is wrong, it has just been about nine years since I've had a routine check up.  I'm not getting younger, and I just felt it should be done.  Staying on top of one's health is never a bad thing.

Of course, having blood work done means nothing to eat or drink (except water) after 8:00 the evening before.  I was the scheduled weekly volunteer for Thomas's youth group last night which meant we had to be there at 7 and wouldn't be finished until 8:30  Our spaghetti dinner was the last thing I ate in the 6:00 range.  Because I don't particularly care for spaghetti, I don't eat a whole bunch, and when I went to bed last evening my stomach was really growling...and I knew it would be another eleven hours before I would eat again.

But here's the thing...I knew I would eat again in eleven hours.  And my breakfast would be filling and fabulous, and I could choose from one of many things available in my kitchen pantry.  I couldn't help but think of all the people, especially children, who go to bed night after night feeling the exact same stomach rumblings as I did, and who DON'T know that they get to eat a substantial, satisfying breakfast the next morning, or even at any point the next day.  It was truly a wake-up call to me, not only to remember to count my abundant blessings, but to be a difference to those not as fortunate.  I hope I NEVER forget that moment.

I just don't love middle school

One of the things I love about subbing is the variety in my job.  I love knowing that no matter what happens, I don't have to return to the same classroom the next day...this is true about 95% of the time.  I prefer to take high school jobs because I know most of the kids, I usually get to see Andrew and Catherine at some point (maybe even have her in class), and the high school kids are really great, most of the time.  Monday I subbed in third grade, and while it is exhausting being with the younger kids, I really do enjoy the early elementary levels as well.  They are are crazy, but still mostly sweet.

Tuesday was a day in middle school.  Two weeks ago when I subbed in a business class, I had to send a child to the principal for being rude and disrespectful.  Overall, I just don't love middle school.  I had taken the business job just because it was business, and I had taken this week's middle school job because it was social studies.  By the end of the day though, my dislike for middle school students as a whole was reaffirmed.  I can't even begin to describe it, but between the hormones and thinking they know it all, and yet the childish behaviors that still happen, I just don't like middle school!

A disappointing cross country season

This weekend is the league meet for cross country.  Honestly, it has been an incredibly disappointing season.  I'm not even entirely sure what has gone wrong.  Robert ran this summer and was in shape, and of course we even sent him to camp for a week.  The very first meet of the year he developed blisters on his feet, and honestly, it never really got better.  He has had some cramps in a couple of races, and one race he told us he fell twice.  He is coming in about 10th on our team and running about two minutes slower than we would have expected.  We had really thought our team could be competitive at league this year and I do think it can, but Robert isn't really going to get to be a part of it.  Barring some sort of odd miracle, this Saturday at league will be his final race because only the top seven runners on each team get to run at districts.  The season sure feels like it has gone quickly!

Proud of my kiddos

Last week we learned that Catherine had been selected as one of the classroom reps from her food class to the FCCLA board.  We are so proud of her for getting involved like this, and it is exactly what we had hoped would happen when we encouraged her to take the class.  We are hopeful this will be full of opportunities for her.

Thomas decided to run, and was elected, as the vice-president of the middle school student council.  He mentioned last week no one was running against him so he would be it, but it became official yesterday.  Hopefully all goes well, as he and the elected president do not get along.  Apparently this young man is a trouble maker, and Thomas had informed us last week there was no way he would win.  He did though, because according to Thomas, "Apparently everyone wants a trouble maker as their student council president."  Thomas told me that this young man tried to fire him twice yesterday, but clearly doesn't have the power to do that.

And in spite of the not-so-great choices that Robert is making, we are proud of him as well.  He witnessed a car accident last evening on his way to pick up Catherine from band practice.  He had immediately pulled over to see if everyone was okay, and was calling me to see if he should leave or if he needed to remain at the scene.  I asked some questions, and when he mentioned that one guy ran a red light I told him to stay and give a statement.  The officer was grateful for the information and was impressed with Robert.  I was proud of him for checking on everyone and being so responsible.  These are the choices we want him to be making!

Homecoming 2017

This past weekend was Homecoming at our high school.  Robert had originally had a date, but she changed her mind about three weeks ago.  I'm not sure of the details, but it is what it is.  Catherine and a friend decided they wanted to go and hang out at the dance.  Catherine even told me she would just wear the same dress from last year, but I found a classic black dress and was able to score some fabulous discounts and purchase it very inexpensively.  She already had great shoes to go with it, so she was all set.  The girls didn't even want to go out to dinner!  I dropped them off at the dance, and Catherine texted about half way through asking if her friend could spend the night.  I'm glad they had fun and I'm grateful for this young lady.  She has really helped to bring Catherine out of her shell, and we hope that we can see more of her around our house!

Can't believe we have the a/c on this late in October

It's true...our a/c is running!  While it definitely is not that the temps are soaring, the humidity is wretched.  Yesterday, I felt like everything in the house was sticky, and it was getting really warm, so we just decided to turn it on.  It also isn't getting very chilly overnight, so this helps us to sleep better.  We are heading into the second week of October, and I just can't believe it.  It looks as though we will be able to turn if off when the rain stops, although this is the remnants of Hurricane Nate so the rain isn't stopping anytime soon.  Looking forward to some cooler and cozy weather soon!

It was just a tough week

I think when you wake up on a Monday morning to news of what will turn out to be the largest massacre in modern American history, it's no surprise that it's a tough week overall.  Today I subbed in three different English classes.  I enjoyed the day overall, but it meant that I had to watch the end of Of Mice and Men three times.  Honestly, it put a pit in my stomach this morning.  And of course, it was a week with very little sleep.  I'm grateful we are at the weekend, but honestly, it is bringing up some other tough emotions.

This weekend is Homecoming at school.  The kids at school are all excited about their plans...their dinner and the dance, and for some parties that are afterward.  Catherine is attending the dance with a friend, but they are only going to the dance.  Robert is not attending at all.  It's a little heartbreaking to witness my kids being so socially awkward.  I know in the long run they are okay, but for right now, it's just been a tough emotional week.  No matter what though, we have each other!

Being a coach's wife

I have been a coach's wife pretty much since the time I got married.  Andrew had coached football while we were dating, and although he took two years off right after we married, he started coaching again after those two years.  Even in the years since he gave up coaching high school football, he was often coaching one of our kids in an activity.  The man is a coach.

I learned early on about being a coach's wife.  At the high school games, the coaches' wives and families always sat together.  It basically was the assistant coaches' families sitting in a ring around the head coach's family.  The coaching families don't necessarily want to sit near players' families, because sometimes there is complaining about the coaching.  I can speak from experience when I say it can be challenging not to take that personally.  The players' families don't want to sit the near coaching families either...it is a mutual understanding.  The head coach is the one really making the decision, and that is why his family is the most insulated.  It is an unspoken part of the coaching experience.

Things tend to be a little better at the rec league, and of course certain sports tend to bring on less ire than others.  Football though, is one of the most challenging in my opinion.  There is never a lack of opinions from parents in the stands about how things should be done.  I am a player's mother, but I am also a coach's wife, and our son is not a talented player.  It is an interesting dynamic in our lives right now and to be honest, it is one I won't miss when the season is over!

Lots of emotions and some tears

Thomas had another football game last night.  I left Catherine in town with the dog (which made her happy) and took Robert along with me.  We arrived just in time for the 8th grade game to begin.  It was a really, really good game.  I watched Thomas shadow his father throughout the entire game.  Andrew had told us a story a couple of weeks ago about wanting to put a player in the game and couldn't find him, and Thomas was not going to let that happen to him.  Thomas was almost always nearly just two or three steps away from his dad during the entire game.

It was an amazingly close game, and was a scoreless tie at halftime.  I know that doesn't sound very exciting, but it actually was.  Our team couldn't get much going offensively, but had put up some amazing defensive stands.  The game was still a scoreless tie at the end of the third quarter, and Thomas hadn't yet taken the field.  I knew this was problematic, as Thomas is not at all talented, and it can be challenging to not have your best players in during close games.  As I watched our team punt with three minutes left in the fourth quarter, I knew Thomas wasn't getting in the game, and I could tell, even from the stands, that Thomas knew it too.  My heart began to hurt and my eyes began to fill with tears as I could see Thomas's reaction on the sideline.  The tough part is that Andrew has always made a commitment to get every player into the game, and usually for at least two series.  But there was his own son who hadn't touched the field.

The opposing team began to drive down the field, and the tensions were high at the end of the game.  When it looked like we had them stopped, a penalty was called on our defense that gave the opposing team more chances.  The game came down to a play with 16 seconds left.  It was fourth down and they needed only about six yards to get into the endzone.  Our defense held though (while I was holding my breath) and we took over on downs.  All we needed was to make sure we could snap the ball and get out of the endzone and the game would be a tie.  While not a moral victory, the goal line stand was incredible and our team was excited.  Between the stress of watching the game and hurting for my son, I was really fighting the tears.

Thomas walked up and I could see the hurt on his face.  He was trying so hard not to show his emotions, but they were evident on his face.  I asked if he was mad at his dad, and he said he was.  I reminded him that he had played the week before and that no one could take that away from him, and that no matter what he was still part of the team.  He wanted to ride the bus home, so I walked over to Andrew and very tersely told him I was leaving and that I was hurting that my son was so heartbroken.

Andrew texted me when he got back to the school to let me know they were on their way home, and to ask if I was mad at him.  I wasn't angry, I was just emotionally drained by that point.  It had been a long week with my kiddos, and although Robert's stress and emotions had been brought on himself by his own choices, it still hurts to see my kids hurting.  Andrew came home and told me how angry he was as Thomas's father at Thomas's coach, and we both smiled at the dilemma of it all.  Thomas had a couple of players talk to him and he felt better about that, but it was such an emotional evening.

Between shear physical exhaustion, the emotions of the week as a parent, and maybe even due to the full moon, I'm still feeling emotional today.  But, we have almost made it to the weekend!

So grateful for this job

People who read this blog might think sometimes I'm a little "pie-in-the-sky" optimistic.  I most certainly am not, but I do try to remember my blessings.  I am definitely a worrier and I can struggle with anxiety at times, but I also try to hold onto my faith which always helps get me through tough times.

Last evening, a job popped up for today that I was excited about.  It is a freshman science job, and I always prefer to be at the high school.  It is also early release day which is a bonus!  I don't know many of the freshmen yet, but I am learning, and I have truly enjoyed the day.

As I was arriving at school this morning, I watched Andrew walk into the school, with Catherine and Thomas following behind.  It really filled my heart getting to see my family walk together like that.  The classroom I am in is two doors down from Andrew's, and we were able to eat lunch together.  I don't have to worry about missing my kids' activities or doctor appointments, and yesterday I even got to be off for the day and run some errands that required most of the day.

There are certainly plenty of stresses and struggles in life, but my "job" is certainly not one of them.  And even the struggles and stresses are certainly nothing compared to so many in the world.  When I think about it, there is no way I can't be grateful for this life!

It felt like going home

Last week I had to take both Catherine and Thomas back to our former town for a doctor appointment.  We were ridiculously early.  I tend to be an overplanner, and I had a very scheduled day so I we got into town unbelievably early.  It is a 45 minute drive, and I just never know how long it is going to take.  Anyway, we were so early that I didn't want to go into the office just yet because I knew there was no way they were going to be ready for us.  We decided to take a quick jaunt around town and specifically wanted to drive past our old house.  While I loved that house, I don't miss it.  The house we live in now is so much better for us and it honestly feels like a dream come true.  Regardless, we drove past the house and the kids commented on a couple of changes they noticed.  I think Thomas misses the house a bit, and I know that we all miss that town.  As we were driving around town, I couldn't get over just how much it felt like we were "home".  It's different there, and I can't explain it.  Andrew has always said after the kids graduates he wants to move back there, and maybe we will.  It will always be a special place to me.

Sometimes all you can do is pray

Sometimes all you can do is pray.  I've felt that way about the recent hurricanes.  We donated money for relief efforts, but mostly we prayed.  I've felt that way about my grandmother and aunt, both of whom have recently been diagnosed with skin cancer.  Aunt Cathy has melanoma and is the more serious of the two.  I've offered support in terms of transportation and other things, but sometimes the best thing I can do is pray.  I awoke to the horrifying news of the shooting in Las Vegas.  At this point there seems to be nothing to do but pray.

As a parent, sometimes all that can be done is praying.  It is especially true of our oldest.  He is making less-than-great decisions again.  Not nearly as awful as they were a couple of years ago, but not good ones either.  Honestly, it just comes down to the fact that he still thinks he has his life all figured out, and he is still intent on doing things his way.  His way always seems to be the harder way, but at some point we just have to let him learn and figure it out on his own.  Those are definitely the times when all you can do is pray!

October has arrived!

September felt like a very long month.  It wasn't that anything necessarily awful happened, it just was extremely busy.  October has all of the same activities, but with the exception of band, the activities end by about 2/3 of the way through October so there is some breathing time at the end of the month.

October is also usually a gorgeous month, and the beauty of the month fills me with such peace.  I can't even describe it most of the time.  Right now we are going to have a really warm week, but it should start to cool off by early next week.  We had a fairly cool weekend and I love having the candles lit.  I'm ready for this month...and hopefully it doesn't disappoint!