Sunday took a turn

After I wrote on Sunday, the day took a dramatic turn, and not for the best.  Catherine called.  Her friends and roommates were with her, and she had learned some dramatic information about her boyfriend and she wanted to end the relationship.  We've realized he isn't the must stable person, and things took a dramatic turn that resulted in us heading to her.  It was more drama then any of us wanted for the evening, and it was nearly 9:00 before we got home.  Catherine ended up having a very emotional night, and his reactions and behaviors only convinced her that he was not someone she wanted to be with.  Being totally honest, we aren't at all sad that this relationship is not continuing.

It was a dramatic ending to our weekend, but it doesn't change the the time we had with our kids earlier in the weekend.  We are so grateful for this phase, and we love our kids so much!

Last day: the end of a parenting era

Thomas was out the door the morning as usual, but it was no usual morning.  It was the very last day of school for Thomas, and therefore the very last day Andrew and I would be parents of a school student.  Oh my goodness, it has gone so incredibly fast.  My heart hurts a little, but I'm so incredibly grateful.  It definitely feels a little surreal.

This part never ends

This morning, Thomas had to be at school at 7AM for band trip.  Just as an FYI, you can add this to the list of things I most certainly will not miss about parenting students.  Anyway, as he was walking out the door, I realized how very much this part won't end.  As he walked out the door, I said a little prayer that he make safe and healthy choices, that he be safe on the drives and throughout the day.  That part absolutely won't end even as he graduates school.  Those prayers will always be sent up for my children.

Check another one off the list

With our youngest child going through his senior year, there are many "lasts" that are coming our way.  I know for some parents, that can bring sadness, and I am not immune to that.  However, there are things I an NOT going to miss, and yesterday's activity was one of them!  Each MLK, Jr. weekend, there has been a HUGE swim meet where our team parents had to work.  It's the only fundraiser our team has to do because it brings in so much money.  It is packed with people (which I don't love) and I usually have to be at the pool at an obscene time (which I also don't love).  I was assigned the early shift again this year, and I practically did a jig when I walked out of there at 11:30 yesterday.  I felt the same way when band camp ended this year.  I am grateful those responsibilities are behind us!

Band camp week with roadblocks

One thing I knew I didn't miss during COVID last year was band camp.  I was so, so right.  This year, it seems as though we've had added roadblocks thrown at us.  The school decided that we couldn't feed the students dinner in the cafeteria.  Not only that, but we couldn't even walk through the cafeteria.  That meant we had to take everything outside to move it to the upstairs auxiliary gym, which is where it had been decided we could eat.  We managed to push & lug the coolers to the trainer's room where we found that the ice machine had no ice.  We then managed to push & lug the coolers to the outdoor trainer's room.  We also found out that the elevators weren't working and the custodians hadn't moved the tables upstairs.  To be totally honest, Andrew began swearing at that point (obviously no kids were around).  We got it all handled though, but we are definitely exhausted.

The rough part is this is Monday...and camp lasts all week.  The thought of taking those coolers up and down those steps every day is a little overwhelming.  It's our last year though, so I keep telling myself that next year it will be someone else's problem!

Thinking of my kiddos

My heart is with my kiddos today.  There are some exciting possibilities as well as some struggles that both are facing.  I know they don't understand how they always have a piece of my heart with them, and I know they can't understand that until they become parents themselves someday...hopefully not anytime soon!  I'm so grateful to be their mother, and of course wish I could just make everything in life so easy for them.  Overall, things are well, but I'm sending up a few prayers on their behalf today!

Things change

I know that we all know that things change, but two examples have happened in the last 24 hours that really drove it home to me.  First, we learned last night that school will be online for at least the first quarter, and I'm guessing it could end up being the entire year, the way things are playing out in our state.  While school is online, there will be very little reason, if any, for Thomas to need to be up before 8:00 each morning.  I can't say this makes me unhappy!  Ironically, it was four years ago that we learned that Robert's bus would be picking him up each day at 5:45, meaning we were going to be having a 5:00 alarm.  This is a change I don't mind at all!

Yesterday the ONLY thing we had on our calendar was Andrew's school training from 3-5.  I happened to be noticing that on our calendar four years ago we had Robert's cross country practice from 8-9:45, a haircut for me at 9, a haircut for Andrew at 10:30, eye appointments for both Catherine and Thomas at noon, Andrew had middle school football practice from 4-6:30, Robert had a doctor appointment at 4, and Catherine had band practice from 6-9.  Yikes!  Certainly, some of the lesser schedule is because of the pandemic (otherwise Thomas would have had band practice yesterday), and some is because there is only one teen contributing to our calendar these days.  Somedays this particular change is hard to accept.   I always knew this is how it would be though, and I'm just going to hold on to each moment my kiddos are here with me!

Mother's Day 2020

It's been a fairly quiet day around here.  Catherine had to work eight hours today.  I spent the day cleaning the house, and then I worked on labeling photos to put in an album.  I got all of 2013 finished, although I realized there are still a couple of months that need to be printed.  I spoke to my mom earlier, and we are planning to see her tomorrow.  I'm sure Andrew and Thomas will call sometime later today.  I really look forward to seeing them on Tuesday.  Overall it has been a pleasant day.

I appreciate being off work on the Monday after Daylight Savings

No jobs came up for today.  I always enjoy working, but I can't deny having today off isn't a bad thing.  I often think this is one of the roughest work days of the year.  I went back to sleep after everyone left, and our sweet Abby came and slept with me.  Once I got up, she has settled in and cuddled right next to me.  There are many, many things I should be doing, but honestly, this is so peaceful and comforting just like this.  Having our sweet pup curled up right next to me makes my heart full.

Overall, our family had a decent weekend.  I am finding parenting teens to be the most stressful thing I could have ever imagined.  Honestly, it is terrifying.  Parenting teens keeps me in a constant conversation with God.  I appreciate my faith and I'm grateful for it, but I really don't think there is anything in this world that can make me feel more vulnerable than parenting.  We had a surprise visit from very dear friends this weekend, and it was so wonderful to get to spend a few hours with them.  They are so incredibly supportive, and they love us and understand.  They have had their own struggles as parents, and I never forget that.  I am so grateful for them and their surprise visit.

Today is an absolutely gorgeous day.  There is some sun and temps near 60.  It's a lovely day to be off!

A very quiet Sunday afternoon

It's been a very quiet Sunday afternoon, and that was much needed.  Catherine had to work, and Andrew took Thomas to a friend of my mother's house to collect some scrap metal.  Poor Andrew, he's really worked hard this weekend.

The house is all picked up from the swim meal Friday, and we've not really been home to mess it up since then.  I allowed myself to take a nap and work on some things like laundry and dishes...nothing major.  I needed a little time to myself, as it's been such an emotional few weeks.  As my children get older, the parenting feels so much tougher.  I wouldn't trade one day of being their parent for anything, but it's so hard to watch them try to navigate this huge world.  I never want to see my children hurt in any way, and I just can't make that happen.  It's draining beyond words, and I know every parent understands.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to recharge a little this afternoon.  We are hanging out as a family this evening to watch the Super Bowl.  Nothing fancy...some french bread pizzas and a big bowl of popcorn for a snack.  The important thing is that we get to be together!

Parenting is not for the weak

Even before I became a parent, I knew that parenting was not for someone who wasn't willing to make sacrifices or become inconvenienced.  Parenting is inconvenient...there is never a great time for your child to vomit in the middle of the night! 😁

Beyond that though, parenting will hurt in more ways than anyone could ever imagine...until it is happening.  It is rarely a physical pain, although most parents would take that on for their children without even thinking about it.  Mostly, it is an emotional pain.  Yesterday, I can't even express my feelings in the morning when I worried about Thomas.  There were a couple of times when it took everything I had not to sit and cry, and when we finally got the word that it was all okay, I wanted to cry even more, although that would've been tears of relief.

This morning, Catherine behaved in a way that I can't even describe because she broke a rule involving her cell phone, so I relieved her of possession of said phone.  One would think I had told her I was cutting off her arm...to her it apparently was the same thing.  Andrew and I both worked very hard at reining in our patience during her slamming, throwing, and just general tirade.  Oh goodness.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful every day to be the mother of these kiddos...but anyone who thinks it is "easy" isn't being honest.  I also completely acknowledge that these two situations are NOTHING compared to what some parents have to deal with, especially those parents who may have a child who struggles with health issues.  Parenting at every level is tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world!

He's changed

As I was back to school last week, it was fun seeing some of the changes that occurred in the kids over the summer.  I think it is especially true in this year's sophomores.  My son is no exception.  He is such a different person.  He is definitely no longer a boy.  I thought this was true last year, and maybe it was, but not like this year.  Andrew and I are really so proud of the way Thomas is handling himself.  He seems to have gained some confidence in how he handles himself.  He used to be terrified to talk to his teachers, but now he seems to be developing relationships with them.  He seems more focused and dedicated when it comes to his school work.  I know this probably won't be the case about everything all year, and I know things won't be perfect.  But by this time last year, he already wanted to be "done" with school.  We will take what we can get.  He's also physically matured in his stature.  Not only is he taller, but he is stronger, and he knows he can physically handle tasks that are assigned to him.  He is much more patient with himself and his surroundings.  These are all good things.

At the same time, his social maturity is not there yet.  Sometimes when we talk that little boy comes out again...and it isn't just because I am his mother.  The friends he is still choosing...not awesome.  I worry about these things, just like I worry about the fact that Catherine seems to purposely choose NOT associating with people.  Parenting is the most challenging and emotionally gut-wrenching thing I have done.  Sending daily prayers to parents and kids everywhere!

I almost can't even imagine it

Last evening Catherine was studying on her bed.  She has steps next to her bed so the cats (and sometimes our pup) can get up and down from her bed.  As I walked in to tell her good night because I was going to bed (some much needed extra sleep), our sweet cat Rosie was on the steps looking at Catherine.  Rosie and Catherine have an incredibly special connection, and always have.  Catherine always refers to Rosie as "my kitten" and Rosie loves the attention from Catherine.  Catherine frequently mentions that she is concerned about going away next year because no one else gives Rosie any attention.  I point out that is often because Rosie won't let us, but that isn't really the point.  Regardless, last evening when I walked in and saw Catherine and Rosie there, and heard Catherine talking to Rosie, my emotions ramped up.  I've been hearing this week from so many other parents who are taking their child off to college this week.  For many, it is the first for them.  In some cases it is the first for their last child, and I don't even want to think about that right now!  There was part of me that almost can't even imagine walking past Catherine's room each night without her being there.  Oh my goodness, that is a tough mental picture.  I'm so grateful for my sweet girl.

So much for my quiet Sunday morning

This morning Catherine had to be at work at 8:00.  I was not remotely thrilled about being up at 7, but we don't have to be at church until 10 so I was looking forward to some very quiet time.  In fact, even the dog wanted to stay in bed when I got up this morning, so I'd have at least a half hour, and maybe a little more, all to myself.

Not exactly the way things went down this morning though.  Something is up with Catherine, and she was an absolutely monster this morning.  Honestly, she behaved more like a toddler than a teen, and it was unreal.  I won't go into details, but I refused to allow her to drive anywhere with that behavior, and ended up taking her to work, which caused her to begin calling me names.  Ugh.  By this time Andrew and the dog were up, and my morning was not the quiet solitude I had planned.

Hopefully I find church refreshing, and Catherine is off work early afternoon.  We have a family reunion at my aunt & uncle's house this afternoon.  I hadn't wanted to go before, and now I really don't feel it.  Hopefully though, it will be a fun afternoon which is what we all really need!

I am 'that mom' so I won't become the mom no one wants to be

Part of Thomas's advertising has been to take flyers around the neighborhood.  Yesterday he mentioned he was off to do this, and I saw him ride down the driveway on his bike...without a helmet.  I immediately opened the front door and he stopped to see what I wanted.  I told him he needed to wear a helmet, and he, without question, turned around and complied.  I double checked to make sure the next time he came down the driveway he had it on, and that was that.

Some might think I am crazy for insisting he wear it here in our fairly uneventful little neighborhood.  Reality though, is that anything can happen anywhere at anytime.  A car can still go too fast here, or Thomas could turn wrong or lose control in front of a vehicle...or just fall onto the road and hit his head.  All of these things are real possibilities that can happen, but can be prevented (although not completely) by wearing a helmet.

So yes, I was 'that mom' who made him go get a helmet.  Because I don't want to be the mom no one wants to be...the one who is grieving her son.  I am watching our friend go through that after losing her eight-year-old last week.  It is excruciating and heartbreaking.  It is a club that no one wants to join.  I am completely okay with being thought to be too over protective in an effort to avoid joining that club.  Please know I am not judging my friend and accusing her of being lax.  She was one of the most devoted and protective moms I know...fiercely so.  Some things are beyond our control, but I plan to be safe about the ones that we can do something about.

Mother's Day 2019

I have really enjoyed today.  Honestly, I'm just so grateful that I have my amazing kiddos that I didn't need anything else...and I really meant that.  I really just wanted to sleep in, and go visit my mother.  Andrew made us an awesome breakfast of eggs, hash browns, and bacon this morning (after I slept in) before Catherine went to work.  She's worked all day, and I really don't mind.  Andrew, Thomas, and I headed north to spend just a little time with my mom before she went to lunch with my sister, then swung by to see my paternal grandmother and my aunt who was also visiting her.  I've done a couple loads of laundry, and Andrew made an absolutely amazing dinner of steaks, potatoes, and asparagus.  My only regret of the day is that Thomas has Youth Group this evening, so we had to eat before Catherine got home from work.

The biggest surprise of the day was an email from Robert first thing this morning.  It was very thoughtful of him to want to make sure I heard from him today.  I was very touched by his gesture!

A hurting heart

I'll be honest, my heart hurt this weekend.  Part of it is the time of year, part of it is I have teenagers.  I also work with teenagers, and sometimes they are just tough.

Saturday after the musical was a cast party.  Thomas was excited about going, although he pointed out that he was the only student that didn't have a ride.  I didn't worry about it too much because it was no problem at all for us to take him.  We were already at the show and I know the people who were hosting and had been to their house.  One of the fun things the cast was doing was to make up their own awards and handing out "paper plate" awards.  I am familiar with this, and know they can be fun.

A couple of hours later, Thomas sent a text letting us know that the party was winding down, and he also mentioned that he was the only person who hadn't received a paper plate award.  My heart broke for him.  As it turned out, there was no organized strategy to the awards.  Each person was just supposed to think about something fun about three people and create an award for them.  So while it wasn't an organized effort to exclude my son, he was hurt just the same.  I attempted to be sympathetic and empathetic, but he kept telling me he was fine.  Andrew mentioned he was upset when picked up, but between talking to Andrew and putting on a brave face for me, he seemed a little better.

It didn't change how hurt I felt for him though.  And I just don't know how to make things better for him.  I know that I can't always make things better, and I sure miss those days when just kissing a skinned knee and applying a bandaid could make things better.  I also reminded myself that I want to be around for my kids, and I want to be a presence in their lives.  I canceled a kindergarten job I have for Friday, and I have absolutely no regrets about doing so.  If I am at the elementary, I am not home with my kids after school.  And that is exactly where I want to be.

I also couldn't help but think how it isn't just us.  I thought about our best friends whose daughter has struggled with a paralyzing level of anxiety.  She can't go anywhere without a parent being present because her anxiety manifests as a seizure and while she doesn't need an ambulance, that is the natural response by most people.  I think about other friends whose son has been on suicide watch at times, and who if not medicated, most likely will be again.  I thought about dear friends here in town, and their daughter whom I adore.  She has been cutting herself because an ex-boyfriend has been harassing her.  They are in the process of obtaining a retraining order.  It will be the second such order taken against this young man, as another set of friends has already done so for the same reason.  And I can't help but think about his parents who have tried and are hurting as well.

I don't necessarily think our generation has it any tougher...I can't compare.  What I do know is that parenting is unbelievably tough.  I wouldn't trade it for anything, even the hard moments, but it is definitely tough.  I send up prayers for all parents.

A fun way to end a challenging week

This has been a challenging week.  On the upside, most of the challenges do not directly involve our family.  On the downside, most of them indirectly do involve our family.  It's been a tough week to adult.  I've seen so many behaviors from kids that are not only poor choices, some of them have been down right dangerous.  Some of them have been incredibly dangerous.  I'm grateful that we are somewhat removed, but overall it has been a tough week to process.  I've sent up lots and lots of prayers on behalf of many parents and kids all week.

Today is a fun way to end the week though.  It is Ag day at our high school.  For the third year in a row, I've been able to be the sub while the teacher is running the day with the elementary students.  Most of her morning students are involved, so I've only had about five students in each class.  It's fun to see the elementary kids come through, and I've enjoyed seeing some of the teachers I know, and some who are friends.  I always enjoy being here on this day, and I'm particularly grateful that it falls today.

This weekend Andrew has a couple of baseball games and it is show weekend for the production Thomas has been working on.  We may not necessarily have much time together, but each of us has a chance to have some time to relax.  Even though we still have two weeks until Spring Break, we only have 27 school days overall until the end of the school year!

Monday morning in the middle of March

Another week has arrived, and we are officially in the middle of March.  We are still waiting for the "lamb" portion of the month, but at least this week appears to be a little less "lion."

I'll be honest, emotionally I had a rough weekend.  I wasn't just emotional, I was truly, deeply, sad.  I'm not entirely certain that I am over it yet, but I do feel better today.  I am trying however, not to panic about the work situation.  I am currently off tomorrow and Wednesday, and two days again next week.  That is really more time off than I would like.  And I try to tell myself that I should enjoy those days and it's okay, but right now I am only scheduled for four days the entire month of April.  That is unheard of!  There are only 42 days left in the year, and I would be fine working almost all of them.  At the same time there is nothing I can do about it, and I just try to lift my worries up.

Thomas is still home sick today.  Since it is just a cold and he is old enough, Andrew and I both came into work today.  While I have absolute complete confidence that he will be fine without us, it also completely breaks my heart that I am not there with him.  My most important job in the entire world is being the mother of my children, and since I'm not there, it feels like I'm not doing a very good job of it.  I know that my days of mothering 24/7 are drawing to a rapid close, and I hate that I'm not there for him right now.

I think that is at the crux of many of my emotions.  I'm feeling a little lost in terms of identity right now.  I've been a mom for so long, and I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to do next.  I love, absolutely love my job as a substitute teacher, but it doesn't pay a lot.  I've been fine with that while I've focused on being mom, but it as that winds down so does the benefits of this job.  I know that in about 18 months or so I should be looking for something a little more stable and "permanent", but leaving this makes me sad as well.  Oh goodness, so many emotions.

I am hoping with some nicer weather this week I can get outside a little bit, and I need to start working out again.  Hopefully I'll feel my mood start to lift!

Sometimes it just needs to be something else

Thomas spent all weekend working on a poster for his English class.  I was so impressed with all his work and he did a great job.  He carried it around with him yesterday, and I actually had him for class right after his English class.  I asked why he hadn't turned it in, and he said he had to write some paragraphs as a reflection.  I knew the deadline was drawing near, so last evening I asked him to sit and write the paragraphs so everything would be done.  He did so, and to the best of my knowledge, it is done!

I also asked if he was turning the poster in with the paragraphs.  He said he was not.  He hadn't understood the directions at first, and the poster wasn't part of the assignment.  I asked what he did with the poster, and he said he just threw it away.  I told him how much I had enjoyed the work he had done on the poster and that i was so pleased with it.  I was sorry he had thrown it away.

And then I began to quietly cry.  I am not upset with the teacher at all.  I am certain she was not mean or derisive when telling Thomas he needed to do the paragraphs instead.  I am equally certain this had been discussed before, and Thomas hadn't bothered to make sure he completely understood the assignment.  I am also equally certain that this entire situation hurt him, and in some ways just reaffirmed his feeling that school isn't for him.  I can only imagine how it felt to spend hours upon hours creating something, that in the end had no worth.  I think it did because it is something he created, but that isn't going to help the grade.

It was really en eye opening experience for me about how Thomas has to navigate through school.  Ever since pre-school he has been super creative and wanted to do things his way.  I have always attempted to guide Thomas's creativity to fit inside the expectations of the school assignments because that is part of life.  Life has suggestions, guidelines, and even RULES.  Thomas has to figure out how to navigate this part of life.  And yet, it has also made me realize that Thomas deals with something like this.  Every. Single. Day.  It isn't that he doesn't want to do the work, or that he wants to do it incorrectly.  His brain just thinks completely differently from many people, and his brain doesn't fit in the confines of school on many days.  It made me realize that school is such a struggle for him, and it broke my heart.  In fact, I'm about to cry sitting here writing about it.  I can't stand the thought of the day when my sweet kiddos are no longer around every day and are on their own.  At the same time, I know that Thomas will probably be grateful when the struggle of school is behind him.