This week has felt heavy

Earlier this week, there was a murder in my hometown.  It appeared to be a random home invasion.  To be honest, things seemed odd from the start, and I mentioned to Andrew that I couldn't remember the last time there was a killing in my hometown that didn't involve the deceased knowing their killer.  And sadly, this is no exception.  Her husband has been charged with the murder.  There are now two little girls who have lost both parents.  It is truly tragic.

There is also a local young woman whose story I follow.  She has a chronic autoimmune disease, but has accomplished amazing things, but right now she needs to fight again.  So many prayers for all of these situations.

I've been taking our pup over to our neighbor's house so she can run around her yard.  Our neighbor passed away right after Christmas, and her daughter is my co-worker and friend.  I miss her so much.  I've realized that I haven't allowed myself to be sad because it is really her daughter's grief.  But that doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  And Lent started this week, which is not meant to be a celebratory time, so there's that.  And if I'm being honest, there are emotions about being empty nesters, somewhat unexpectedly.  But I don't really have time to think about that because Andrew and I are swamped.

Truly things, are fine.  I know that, and as the days get longer it helps to alleviate sadness.  But I have to be honest, things have felt heavy.  It will feel better soon, I'm sure.

So grateful for this quiet Monday

Today was a teacher work day at school.  I asked for the day off, and although I did a bit of work from home earlier, I'm so grateful for today.  For one thing, we lost that hour yesterday, so that always makes today feel harder.

I cried at church yesterday.  One of the hymns was the very first hymn from my friend's funeral just over a month ago.  It was too soon, and although I tried really hard, I cried.  I'll be honest, I haven't gotten over the loss of him, and I don't think I will anytime soon.  I can only imagine how his family and close friends are feeling.

I also have to mention that there was another saga involving Thomas's car last week.  This poor kid, he was really taken when he purchased this car.  And Andrew was there too.  There were no red flags at the time of purchase, but we sure have learned to ask better questions.  We are helping him as we can.  That's what parents are for.

Today is such a beautiful day.  The sky is bright blue, and the temps are in the 60's.  Absolutely wonderful.  I have enjoyed having our sweet cat, Maudie, curled up with me.  I've been sitting in our back room which looks out into the woods, and the squirrels have really been active.  I am so, so grateful for such a peaceful day.

This date

This date has some sad memories for me.  It was four years ago today that we lost our good friend, Tim.  It was so unexpected, and I'll never forget that day.  Five years ago today was a really rough day for our family.  I won't go into details for the privacy of my children, but it was a really, really hard day.  It was on this date 38 years ago today that my grandfather passed away.  Even though we knew that was coming, it too is a day I'll never forget.  Another memory is from 33 years ago today.  It was my senior year of high school, and our boys' basketball team was playing in the first round tournament game.  They'd won an incredible game two days earlier that went into double overtime that secured the league title.  It seemed as though the emotions and stress of that game caught up with them and they couldn't pull out the expected first round victory.  Thirty-three years later, I can still remember seeing my friend Ryan sitting on the bench as time expired.  I had never missed a home basketball game in which he played, and it all came to an end that evening.  That is not a memory I think of often, but it happened on a Sunday, and with Ryan gone, it feels a little sadder this year.

On the upside, today was a very nice day.  We ran some errands, and we had an impromptu dinner wtih friends.  Ready for another week!

It's hard when the birthday comes so soon

Today would have been my friend Ryan's 51st birthday.  When I have lost loved ones, I've always found the birthdays to be the hardest.  While holidays and celebrations can be hard, I found the birthdays to be the hardest because it is only about that person.  My thoughts are with his family today, and especially with his parents, who undoubtedly have vivid memories of this very day 51 years ago.

Work has been hard lately with a lot of "managing" that has needed to happen.  I get that there is just a lot going on everywhere, but my goodness.  I'm so very grateful that we have arrived at a long weekend.  Andrew has to work tomorrow, but I do not!  I've had a bad cold this week so that has made things even more exhausting.  We are supposed to go visit my MIL this weekend, but we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow.  Andrew will go regardless, and he should.

I'm grateful for each and every day, even the hard ones!

I'm angry

Today, my sister and I drove three hours to attend the funeral of my friend, Ryan.  There were a lot of people I knew, and I'm so glad I went.  I don't think I would have ever felt it was real if I hadn't gone.  When his mom saw me, she said to me, "He wasn't supposed to do this to us, was he?"  I said he sure wasn't.  I was able to see and hug his brother and sister-in-law, and even his sister-in-law's parents.  So many hugs and memories.

As I sat there in this church hours away from my home, I just kept thinking that I couldn't believe I was sitting there at Ryan's funeral.  I couldn't believe I had finally made the trip down there, and it was for his funeral.  And then I was angry.  Ryan took his own life, and hundreds of people were sitting in a church paying respects to him, and we were hurting.  The lives of his wife, children, parents, and brother are never going to be the same.  I know he was hurting and I can't imagine what he was going through, but I can't help be angry.  And I'm angry at myself.  I'm so angry that I'll never get the chance to spend more time with him.  It's so awful.

I will always treasure the memories of our childhood and teenage friendship.  I will always be grateful that Ryan was a part of my life, and I'll be praying for him and his family.

This last day of January sure held a lot of emotion

Today is the last day of January, and it always the day we celebrate becoming a family.  I will forever be grateful to have been a mother to my three kiddos.  For the first time, I'm not sure we will actually have an opportunity to celebrate it as a family, but that is probably okay.  My kids are adults, and looking to the future and starting their own families.  I miss having little ones, but I'm so grateful for the adults they are becoming.

I also learned this morning that a school mate had passed away after taking his own life.  Ryan and I met in second grade, and we were Mutt and Jeff according to many.  I'm just under 5', and he is over 6'.  We could fight like cats and dogs, but we were friends.  I hadn't seen him in over 20 years, but saw him again last February when we attended the funeral for another classmate.  His daughter went to college here in town, and I kept meaning to reach out to his parents (who I've seen many times over the years, sadly, mostly at the funeral home) to get his number so we could visit sometime when his family was in town.  I never did though, and now I can't.  I'm angry at him for taking this route, and I'm angry at myself that I didn't make more of an effort.  And I'm so heartbroken for the family and loved ones he left behind.

I'm very grateful today is Friday.  Sleep isn't coming easily tonight, and I'm glad I can sleep in tomorrow.

A day off by myself

Today is a teacher work day at my school, and I am thrilled to be off work.  During the school year, it is really challenging to take off days "just because" (or as I like to think of them, mental health days), but when the students aren't there it is much easier!  I asked for this a month ago, right after the week from hell when I was the only admin working most of the week and we had teachers out left and right.  In other words, when they didn't dare tell me I couldn't! 😂

Yesterday I finished painting Thomas's room.  It's the exact same colors, but we joke that his room was a toxic haz mat dump and everything needed refreshing.  I always channel my dad when I'm painting, because we were the painters in the family.  I also found my self spending the day listening to 90's country music, and that was quite a trip down memory lane!

I'm so very acutely feeling the passage of time lately.  The upcoming holidays have me feeling incredibly reflective this year, and a bit melancholy, and I'm just not sure where the time has gone.  I'm so very grateful for this afternoon where I can spend some quiet time with my thoughts.  A lot of those thoughts also involve our sweet pup whom we miss so much.  Those are sad thoughts as well, but there is so, so much to be grateful for, and this is the month to remember that!

It's safe to say it wasn't my favorite October

Without a doubt, this will NOT go down as my favorite October.  Losing Lincoln at the beginning of the month was hard, but losing Abby two weeks ago was awful.  The other night, Andrew and I had to make an unexpected trip to Thomas's place, and it was Midnight before we got home.  As we pulled in, I thought about how happy Abby was going to be to see us, then I remembered the reality and I began to weep.  I explained to Andrew how I had forgotten, just for a second, that she was gone, and it hurt so deeply again.  She was just the best dog.

Anyway, between this and some drama in our kids' lives, I'm hoping November is a better month.  I'm trying so hard to remember it can always be worse and to hold on to peaceful thoughts as much as I can!

It's less raw today

Yesterday was just a very raw day.  Andrew and I dreaded going to bed without our sweet girl, but we also really wanted the day to be over.  I'm so grateful it was a Friday.  Our bed felt big and cold without Abby last night.  Waking up today though, it felt less raw than yesterday.

There were still tough moments though.  Andrew was going to his mom's today, and I was dreading him leaving because Abby was always depressed when he'd leave.  This time though, I was dreading him leaving for an entirely different reason.  This house is so quiet and it feels so empty.  I miss her so, so much.  I watched some videos of her this evening and allowed myself to have a good cry.

I know this is part of owning a pet.  We outlive them and we miss them.  Yesterday, I felt it was my job to be strong for Andrew.  This evening though, I'm really reminded that it just really sucks.  It also doesn't help that I don't have a vehicle (that is another post) and I'm basically stuck here for the weekend.  I know that there are worse things in life, but today I'm still sad.  It just feels so sudden.  I also can't help but feeling if she hadn't tripped on Wednesday, she might still be with us.  I wish I could go back in time and keep her from doing that.

I'm sad, but I know tomorrow will be better.

We had to say goodbye to Abby

Our hearts are broken as we had to say good-bye to our sweet pup this morning.  She had a slipped disc again, but as always, was responding to the medication and was improving after 24 hours on medication.  Then, she slipped, and it seemed to compress the disc.  By last night, she was no longer able to walk.  It was awful to see.  Andrew called the vet last evening, and the news wasn't good.  Unless we woke up to a miracle this morning, we would be waking up with our sweet girl for the last time.  Fortunately, Andrew had no school today, and my co-workers graciously re-arranged schedules so I could be off most of the day.  The vet confirmed our worst fears, and we had to come home without her.  We were with her at the end, and honestly, we've spent a good part of the day crying.  We had Facetimed the kids last evening so each of them could say good-bye.  Telling Thomas and Catherine today was hard, especially Catherine.  She sobbed.  We are grateful her suffering wasn't worse, but oh, we miss her already.  The hard part is that she was still our sweet girl, her body was just failing her.  It's so quiet here.  As dog owners, I mentioned to Andrew that we pretty much had scheduled our lives around her.  This absolutely sucks.  Andrew and Thomas will be heading east tomorrow for football and it will just be me here tomorrow.  Dogs aren't really just pets, they are part of the family, and this is happening way too soon after losing Lincoln.

He's still my little guy

Thomas called me yesterday after getting a text from Catherine.  She just told him they were taking Lincoln to the vet.  He called me right away and wanted to know if Lincoln was okay.  I explained the situation, and he got really quiet.  We talked about how glad we were he would be reunited with our cats who had gone before him, and especially Rosie.  I was getting choked up and we were both at work, so it was a short conversation.

Thomas texted later in the evening and asked if they could come over.  Of course we said yes!  When they walked in, I walked over for a hug, and my "little guy" hugged me and clung to me for a bit.  I know he is all grown up and living on his own (and isn't really little), but my little guy was sad about the passing of our cat and needed a hug from his mom.

I love this phase of our life.  I love the life my husband and I have together, and I'm grateful for the family we've created.  And I'm so, so grateful my little guy still needed his mom.

We had to say goodbye to Lincoln today

One of our cats, Lincoln, passed away today.  It was a bit of a shock.  This morning, Andrew mentioned he seemed like something was wrong.  Catherine heard us, hopped out of bed and checked him out, then scooped him and took him to bed with her (she still had another hour+ to sleep).  He seemed to settle in with her.  Before she left for work, Catherine set him up in her room with a comfy bed, and his own food, water, and litter box.  He took a turn during the day, and when Catherine got home she instantly knew something was very wrong.  She said he sounded like he was gasping.  She called me sobbing, but I was in the middle of carline.  I had her call her dad.  He called the vet, who was willing to see them right away.  Catherine cradled Lincoln, went to pick up her dad, and then they went to the vet.  We all knew at this point that Lincoln wasn't coming home.  The vet said she heard a heartbeat when they first got there, and then he was gone.  She assured us that bringing him in earlier today would not have changed today's outcome.  I'm so grateful it happened fairly quickly and his suffering was hours instead of longer.  But I sure do regret I didn't think to be more aware when I left this morning and give him a quick pat on the head or tell him I loved him...because of course I did.  He'd been with us for eleven years starting when he was just nine-months-old with his sister Rosie.  Those two had to be adopted together as it was clear they had a special bond.  After she died, Lincoln lost a lot of weight, and he had lost his cuddle buddy.  We all agreed that we are so glad he gets to see her again.  My daughter's heartbreak is always the part that hurts the most, but I'll be honest, I'm pretty sad myself.  Losing our furry family members really sucks.

The reunion none of us wanted to happen

Today I returned to my hometown for the services for Scotty, my soccer-playing classmate who passed away two weeks ago.  I was dreading it, as one would.  I wish so much I had asked Andrew to go with me, but I knew he really didn't want to.  As I left, the first song that came on Pandora was John Denver's "Take me Home, Country Roads", followed by Patty Loveless's "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye?"  Wow.  The last song playing as I pulled into the driveway was Garth Brooks "The Dance".  The music got me today.

There were so many people there that it was so wonderful to see.  So many classmates, especially from those soccer days.  Those guys were special.  Our soccer coach was there.  Parents of classmates.  Oh goodness, it was son wonderful to see so many people, but as I said to many, it was the reunion none of us wanted to have.  The parents of my sister's classmate who passed away 2-1/2 years ago were there, and I'm sure it was tough to have to see everyone gathering.  One classmate mentioned how he hated these things since his dad had passed, which was 32 years ago right after we graduated.  Scotty and I were working together that summer and I remembered how devastated Scotty was that happened.  The whole thing was awful and beautiful all at the same time.  I couldn't bring myself to stay for the actual service.  I'm beyond drained as it is.

The first one always seems to be the hardest

I grew up as a fan of the Cincinnati Reds during the Big Red Machine.  Those were great years, and the eight starters were quite a collection of Hall of Famers (they should ALL be in the hall) and were know as the 'Great Eight'.  I remember how awful it felt when Joe Morgan died, not just because it was sad he had passed away, but because the Great Eight could never be together again, at least on this side of Heaven.  I felt the same way when Matthew Perry passed away in October.  It was not just losing such a part of our culture, but the six Friends could never be together again.  It is happening again, although on a far more personal level.  In high school, I was a stat for the boys' soccer team.  Our team had quite a dynasty going at the time, and was even ranked first in the state at times.  We made it to the state final four twice, regional finals (final 8) our senior year, and regional semi-finals (final 16) once.  Several classmates of mine played varsity as freshman. and the best player on the team was Scotty.  He was was named second-team All American our senior year and went on to play college soccer.  The last regular season game of our senior year, a photographer captured a picture of the nine senior guys who played that year, and they grabbed me to join in the pic.  I love that photo, and it hangs on my wall to this day.  Over a decade after we graduated, Scotty was named head coach, and eventually coached a team not only to the state title game, but to the first state soccer title in school history.  As a teammate said, it was only fitting that the title team was coached by the greatest player who ever wore the uniform.  Two weeks ago, Scotty had an incident that led to him being in a diabetic coma.  We were all encouraged by the progress that was being made, but overnight he had a cardiac event.  He was revived, but doctors confirmed today that he won't be able to recover.  It's heartbreaking.  His father passed away just last week.  I can't imagine how his brother is coping.  I keep looking at that picture from our senior year.  Even though we haven't all been in the same place since the day we graduated, knowing that it can never happen again adds to the sadness.  Prayers to his family.

Early January

My grandmother turns 93 today.  I wrote a year ago that I was fairly certain she would make it.  My feeling about her reaching 94 is less certain.  She's just not the grandma I've always known.  She know it too, and it bothers her.  She has mentioned that it may just be time for her to go.  She's perfectly healthy, but I do know if something happens, she isn't going to want to fight.  I completely get it.  I'm sure she would tell you her 93 years have flown by.

There has been a tremendous amount of sadness in the new year.  On Friday, a classmate of Catherine's passed away from cancer.  He was a wonderful young man.  I knew him, although not well, but I did know his sister well.  While I know there is gratitude that he is no longer suffering (and suffer he did), my heart is broken for them and I just can't imagine.  No parent should bury their child.

We also had a student lose her mom yesterday.  She'd been diagnosed with cancer 20 months ago.  Again, it just shouldn't happen this way.  My heart is broken for their family.  In addition to the husband and young daughter she is leaving behind, I've been able to know her parents and as I said, no parent should ever bury their child.

January is a busy month.  I've got lots of school work, and lots of church work.  I was able to get the Christmas trees down, but everything else is still up.  I didn't feel a lot of holiday joy, but I'm working really hard to be grateful for each day and to remember nothing is guaranteed.  January is always a month filled with so much reality.

RIP Matthew Perry

I was at a Halloween party Saturday evening when I heard about the passing of Matthew Perry.  I was so sad to hear it.  Matthew Perry and Friends have been such a huge part of my adult life.  I remember it was on the evening of my 21st birthday while I was waiting on a friend to get ready to go out.  It wasn't until the following summer in reruns though, when I really started to follow it, and then it became my favorite show, and pretty much still is.  My roommate Steph and I were completely addicted to it during our co-habitation years.  Oh my goodness, the laughs we shared over the years. 

I remember watching the very final episode in 2004.  I cried so hard the first time I saw the last episode.  It truly was like losing my own friends.

I loved watching reruns over the years, and the show has been there for us when we were sick.  I loved when our kids were old enough to enjoy and appreciate the show.  Our family shared lots of laughs together.  The Thanksgiving episodes have become an annual family tradition, and I'm so grateful how the show brought us together and helped us to create awesome memories.  It makes me so sad that Matthew Perry is gone so young.

RIP Rockne

My sister's Old English sheepdog (her second) passed away this morning.  Rockne was such a sweetheart, and was really the perfect dog for my sister.  She was my sister's constant companion.  As ardent dog lovers, we are all so sad, and knowing how my sister's heart is broken makes me sad as well.  I'm sure she is over the Rainbow Bridge and enjoying lots of treats.

Grace has been gone ten years

 Ten years ago today, the world lost the beautiful little Grace, who was ten years old at the time and a classmate of Catherine's. It was such awful news, and I'll never forget it.  It was a day I was gathered around with my kids and Andrew's parents, and their family was experiencing grief I can't even imagine.  This holiday always makes me think of that sweet girl and her sweet family.  I know though, that Grace is smiling, laughing, and running pain-free in Heaven, and for that I am grateful.

A bit of a melancholy Saturday morning

I'm feeling a bit melancholy this morning.  I suspect a great part of it is the weather.  It's been a cold and wet week, and this morning we've had snow showers.  I appreciate the togetherness it has brought us as sports activities have been postponed, but it hasn't been a fun weather week.

I suspect it also has something to do with the fact that six weeks from now, I'll be staring down at the week my youngest child graduates.  I'm far more emotional about this than I expected to be.  I've been looking forward to many things about empty nesting, but given so many family situations, I find myself wondering what's next in life.  Do I get to grow old surrounded by a loving family, or will it all fracture and be mostly alone?  That sounds so dramatic, I know, but Catherine and Thomas aren't getting along (and haven't been for months) due to significant others, and it breaks my heart.  And of course, I can't help but look back and wonder if we did everything we could to teach them the right things in life and make them strong, content, independent people who make good choices.  

As I said to Andrew a couple of weeks ago, life feels "heavy".  It's not that life is awful, but it feels heavy.  We are (hopefully) coming out of the pandemic, and I know life will never be the same.  Certainly some changes are good, but I also know there have been relationships that will not recover from all the time apart.  It's a fact of life.  There is a war happening in our world, and the ramifications are immeasurable.  Again, I'm not miserable nor is life awful, but it's truly hard to ignore these things.  And for this morning, it adds up to just a big of a melancholy feeling while I clean the house.

Saying good-bye to a friend's father

Yesterday I journeyed about an hour north to the funeral of a very dear friend's father.  He had passed about a month ago.  I last saw him just about four years ago when her grandfather passed away.  Her family moved away from our hometown while we were in college, and her dad had been through two kidney transplants, strokes, cancer...just one thing after another.

Our dads were so very similar.  They were both fairly young when us girls were born, and they almost shared the shame birthday (her dad's is the day after my dad's).  They were both mostly surrounded by females in their family (her dad had one son but three girls), and both were fairly quiet, but oh so very friendly.  They both worked so hard and taught amazing important life lessons.  I think they could both fix anything.  And ultimately, they suffered so, so much with their health.  It was an absolutely beautiful service.  I'm so grateful that I was able to be there to share in the celebration of her dad's life!