Mall memories

Sunday when I took Thomas back to school, I decided I would do a bit of shopping since I was five minutes from a mall.  This particular mall didn't exist until I was in college, but it had a few department stores, and I desperately needed some new pants.  I parked near Macy's and went in.  I rarely, almost never in fact, shop at department stores in malls.  However, as a child, that is exactly where my family shopped for just about everything.  Even though it was still October, the stores were already decorated for the holidays.  It brought back lovely memories.  As a child, my mother (and usually Grandma went with us) would take us to the downtown department stores.  Rike's (which eventually became Macy's) had a store window display that was magical.  Back then the big downtown department stores had restaurants high up, and eating out was always a treat!  There was also a bakery in each one, and I still remember the joy of getting to pick out the cookie we'd choose that was covered in colored sugar sprinkles.  This past Sunday, I wasn't there very long as I was delighted to quickly find some pants and be on my way home, but I sure enjoyed thinking about those memories!

Sprinkler

 Two weeks ago, we had a sump pump installed in our crawl space.  It required the digging of a trench out to the ditch.  Andrew planted grass seed and put some straw over the bare ground, and he has been very good about watering it.  He is thrilled that some grass is growing.  While he is gone, it is the responsibility of Thomas and myself to water the space.  I just went out and turned it on, and as I watched the sprinkler, I couldn't help but smile.  I have many memories of being a child and running through the sprinkler in our yard on hot summer days (similar to today!) and laughing and having a blast.  I needed that smile today!

It has given me a new perspective on my mother

 When I was a child, my mother was a stay-at-home mom.  I don't ever remember thinking much about it.  I do remember though, when I was in middle school my mom had some community volunteer commitments that meant she wasn't home when I got home from school.  My sister and I were certainly old enough to be alone for a little bit after school.  My mom though, mentioned that every day I would ask if she would be home after school.  She took that to mean I didn't necessarily love her not being there.  It's possible.  I don't honestly remember.

I do know that half-way through my senior year of high school, my mother took a full-time job.  She made very clear that she was working to help my sister and I pay for college.  She worked for nearly eight years, finishing a little over a year after my sister finished her undergraduate degree.

Many times over the years when my father was ill, I remember being irritated that Dad was working and Mom was not.  I remember feeling that if my mother would go and get a job then Dad wouldn't feel the need to work.  I felt irritated that my mom was home just doing whatever she wanted.

Realistically though, there was nothing that was going to keep my father from working.  We always said he would work right until the end, and at the visitation I learned he had sent a work email less than an hour before he passed away.  My parents could have won millions in the lottery, and I don't think my dad would've completely given up working.

I also realize, and this week really drove it home, my mom wasn't home "doing whatever she wanted".  Mom was doing whatever was needed.  That is true of the entire time she was home, and is still true today.  When I was a kid, my mom was a room parent, and she was President of the PTO.  For years she sat on the board of Community Services, a local non-profit that serves my home town.  She volunteered as part of a group that drove those who couldn't drive themselves to medical appointments.  Mom chaperoned field trips and was a girl scout leader.  We were the house where friends stayed after school if they missed the bus or left their house keys at home and needed to wait until a parent got off work.  We were the house where friends came and grabbed a quick bite to eat between school and after-school activities.  After leaving her full-time job, Mom continued serving on nearly every committee that has ever existed in my hometown.  It is why she was named my hometown's 'Citizen of the Year' in 1995, and along with my father was named 'Philanthropist of the Year' in 2013.

She was also my father's constant care-giver.  Her volunteer commitments never came above my dad's needs, and it's been the same over the last three years with my aunt and my grandmother.  She has also been acting as a surrogate mother to a cousin, and trying to help with her young daughter.  She helps my sister out with things at her house when possible.

No, my mother did not spend all these years "doing whatever she wanted".  She has been taking care of just about everything and everyone all these years.  This past week was such an eye-opener for me.  Andrew needed to be with his dad.  I completely understood.  There were other things that needed to be handled though, and I was supposed to be working.  While I had only planned to take the one day, I will NEVER regret taking both days to be home.  This is where I was needed.  I was texting my mom the other day telling her everything that was going on, and telling about how I ended up being home both days.  She responded by telling me I was doing the right thing by making sure I was home.  I hadn't asked, and I'm not sure what made her say that, but it brought me to tears.  Ultimately, I realized this where I want to be, because this is where I need to be.

I don't really know what this means for anything, other than it feels a little life-altering to have this realization.  I know that I am incredibly blessed to even be able to consider not working a full-time job even without kids at home.  So many thoughts, emotions, and feelings have been front and center this week.

It's easy to feel down today

The emotions, feelings, and stress are starting to get to me.  Our county is at Level 3, which in Ohio means masks are now required at all times, except at personal residences.  I don't mind the mask thing, but I worry about the virus overall.  It is scary.

This weekend is Catherine's graduation party.  Needless to say, the timing is not the greatest.  We had postponed it from June to July hoping things would be better, but they are not.  We will do everything we can to have things outdoors, but that creates other stresses.  Not to mention it is supposed to be hotter than Hades here this weekend, and could rain.  Thank goodness Catherine is stronger and should be able to handle being outdoors, at least sitting.  We know that if we don't have a party for her this weekend, it won't happen.  She has lost so very much from these last few months, and we hate to have her lose this as well.  We totally understand that many people will feel uncomfortable being here, and we just hope that they will still acknowledge her, at least with a note to congratulate her.  Right now it feels like no matter what we do, it's the wrong thing.

School is proving to be stressful as well.  The district is beginning to "walk back" the plans to go all in for the fall.  I understand, but can't help but feel stressed about it as well.  I probably shouldn't be, but uncertainty and change are not things I do well handling.

And then of course, there is just the general nastiness that has come along with the politicization of all of it.  I don't understand how suddenly everyone is an expert in every area.  It's maddening, and at times terrifying.

We will get through this, and overall our lives are incredibly blessed.  I need to remember that.

The smell of bug spray

We invited a friend over last evening to hang out on our back patio.  Because it was nearly 9:00 before he arrived, Andrew brought out the bug spray.  As we sprayed it on, the smell took me back to my childhood.  All of a sudden I was a kid again, and I was back in Coldwater, Michigan, where my grandparents had a summer home.  We spent our evenings outdoor at a fire, and since we were by the water, we especially needed to use the bug spray.  The same brand still smells exactly the same all these years later.  It made me smile to feel so close to those memories again.

Star Wars Day

As it is May 4th, it is Star Wars Day (you know, May the fourth be with you)!  I decided last week that it would be fun to "celebrate" today.  I am not a tremendous fan of the Star Wars movies, but Thomas and Andrew really enjoy them.  And I am a child of the 70's so the movies have been around pretty much my entire life. 

I decided we could watch ONE movie this evening after Catherine gets off work.  The kids want to dress as characters, which is was fine, but I wasn't buying anything to do so.  We also got online to see about Star Wars themed foods, and I decided the easiest (and therefore the most likely to happen) would be decorated cup cakes.  The kids have done them all on their own.  They baked the cupcakes, iced them, and are now decorating them.

I'm definitely looking forward to dessert after dinner, and making this a fun little evening for our little family!

Two weeks of shut down

Two weeks ago was our last day of in-person school.  Our state was allowing the next day and the following Monday, but our health department ordered us closed immediately.  For many of us (adults and students) the lack of any in-person closure or farewell has been emotionally challenging.  Not the end of the world, but we are fortunate enough that we are in a building where everyone truly cares about each other.  FYI, in spite of what state legislatures and others try to say, I FIRMLY believe this is true in nearly every school building.  That's not this post though.

Overall, our family has done really well.  Honestly, we've had a lot of fun together.  We've had board games and card games, movies and TV shows, family dinners, family walks...lots of togetherness time.  Generally speaking, we are enjoying it.  Have there been some shouts and tears?  Yes.  Is that to be expected?  Of course!  Overall though, we are getting along.  I am enjoying the "no school" this week, but it's also not a bad things when the kids have a few things to do.

We've changed our perspective on many things.  Our hearts hurt that we can't visit others, especially my mom, my grandmother, and my in-laws.  We email and chat as much as we can though.  We are using rags that can be washed rather than using paper towels.  Our lunches are much more concentrated on using leftovers rather than opening new food.  I am making sure to wash towels nearly every day, but I am also more aware of how much electricity I am using.  These aren't bad things.

Overall, it will all be okay.  I am so grateful for our little family, and I am grateful for technology that keeps us from being completely cut off from the rest of our family.  We will get through this!

I'm feeling emotionally drained

I haven't slept well most of the last week.  I was amazed yesterday how I wasn't feeling tired.  And then last night, when my week was mostly finished, I felt exhausted beyond words.  Still didn't sleep very well though.

Senior night was lovely.  I really didn't get too emotional about it.  That might be because I was in "official duty" mode. 

I think though, I was really just suppressing my emotions, and that is why I felt so drained last night.  Today, absolutely every little thing has made me cry.  My sweet little girl is off to her final band competition today.  How on earth did we get here so quickly?

I also made a quick trip to my hometown this morning.  One reason was to support a lifelong friend who has opened a pop up shop for the holidays.  Another was to swing by and visit a friend who was having an auction at his house today.  We grew up together since the third grade when our mothers became very close friends.  His mother died eight years ago, and his father passed away last year.  He never married, and his brother moved away years ago.  He has decided he is going to leave also.  I can't blame him at all.

Driving around my quiet little home town this morning was rough.  I drove past my aunt's house, and the emotions of losing her this fall hit me like a ton of bricks.  She actually lived in the house I lived in when I graduated from college that is now owned by my sister (I rented it from my dad, then bought it from him, then sold it to my sister as she received her law degree right after I got married).  It also doesn't help that I was in my little hometown exactly six years ago today, also a Saturday, and it was the last time I saw my father alive.  Oh my goodness, so many little emotions created a big reaction in me today.

And I've also realized that I haven't been honest with myself about my son.  While I know Robert's choices are his own choices, and I'm not at all surprised by his choices, they are still hurtful.  Today was a day when I kind of realized just how hurtful they really are.

I'm so very grateful I had this morning to myself.  It's so much easier to process my emotions when I am alone.  I am so blessed in this life, and I never forget that.  Sometimes though, you just need to have a good cry.

Time to run again

I've changed my blog to show runners again.  It is that time of year...cross country season!  Andrew and I have both talked about the things we are going to miss about Robert graduating, and not being at cross country meets is pretty much at the top of the list.  Saturday was the first meet of the season.  Robert has been blowing everyone away in the little races and challenges that they have been having at practice, and to be honest was being not-too-humble about it.  I kept reminding him that he had to sustain for three miles and not just run as far as you can for six minutes...doesn't work that way in a meet.  To be honest, he didn't look particularly good at the half way point, although he claimed he was running six minute miles.  He ended up finishing over 20 minutes because he apparently developed blisters, and pretty severe ones, on his feet.  In fact, no matter what shoes he put on the rest of the weekend he limped a bit.  On the upside, it brings him back to earth a bit, and hopefully will provide motivation to help him have significant improvement this season!

Going out of business

I was saddened to learn this morning that Borders, the book store, is going out of business. I knew they had filed bankruptcy, and our local store had already closed, but I hadn't known the entire company was going under. The part that made me really sad, is that they own Waldenbooks. I have such wonderful, wonderful memories of that bookstore. I remember exactly where it was located in the mall we shopped when I was a child. I was a voracious reader as a child (still am, but parenting responsibilities tend to limit available time) and every year my aunt would give me a gift certificate for Waldenbooks. I can still vividly picture shopping in the store, and the excitement that went with looking through all of the books before choosing which treasure to take home. One of my greatest joys as a parent has been adding to my children's own library of books here at our house. Perhaps too much so, as we are hoping to go shopping for more shelves today. One of the challenges that Borders faced in addition to the economy is the electronic versions of books that have become available. We have never particularly embraced technology, and an ereader is no different. My husband and I both agree that we just love the feel of sitting down with a book. We just can't quite describe it. At the same time, I can appreciate the convenience of ereaders, and especially for those who travel often. Most importantly, I just hope my children have fond memories of childhood reading, regardless of the form in which they read!