A beautiful day for my dad's birthday

Today is another year of not being able to celebrate my dad on his birthday.  It's an absolutely gorgeous day.  With a birthday at the end of April, I have so many memories of celebrating dad on perfect weather days.  Dad's birthday on a Sunday is particularly memorable.  As a child, Sundays were the only day might dad might not work.  I miss him more than I can even put into words, but I also know that anyone who has lost a parent understands what I mean.

There was a part of me that really thought Grandma might not wake up today.  It's hard to see her living the way that she is and the way that she never wanted to be.  I really thought maybe it would be too much for her to face another birthday of my Dad without him here, and that she would be ready to go see him.  Grandpa has been gone over 21 years, and I just suspect she is really to see them all again.

Andrew will be home in about an hour.  He and Thomas had a spectacular weekend together, and I know they loved getting to see Andrew's mother.  I know she loved having them.

I'm feeling emotional about a lot of things right now, and I can't help but feel some changes are on the horizon.  I'm working on holding on to a peaceful feeling and for being grateful for the blessings in life.

Today marks eleven years without my dad

Eleven years ago, right about now and also on a Thursday, I found out my dad had passed away.  I'm so grateful my kids got to know him and make so many memories with him.  I'm also very grateful he wasn't here with us to experience all the painful things we've experienced through parenting.  I'll miss Dad forever, but I'm thankful my faith tells me I get to see him again.

A puzzle for my dad

 

At the end of the school year, our staff received Amazon gift cards from the school as a thank you.  Amazon carries my favorite puzzle brand, and I decided to check out what might be available.  As soon as I saw this puzzle, I immediately added it to my cart and knew that I had to have it.  Not only did I love the colors and the theme, but my Dad's name was Bob.  And if any man would have ever been the kind to own a hardware store, it was him.  As I told my boss one day recently, he could fix absolutely anything.

Putting this puzzle together brought me such joy, but in all honesty, it also brought a few tears.  I miss my dad so much, but I'm so grateful his suffering ended when it did.  I know my dad was truly a special man, and I loved feeling him with me while I put this puzzle together.  I had thought about gluing it together and keeping it permanently, but I had so much fun putting it together I decided to take it apart, and maybe next year I'll enjoy it again!

My dad's 70th birthday

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday.  Earlier in the year, we had received word that today would be the day our town's foundation would be honoring new funds with plaques being placed in the tree grove that is in a town park.  Our family's fund plaque was placed years ago, but I could think of no better way to honor my dad on 70th birthday than to attend this ceremony.  I was able to get the day off from work, and it seems as though my mom and sister felt the same way I did.  They both planned to join along, although Mom ended up being (as I suspected) too tired from last week's surgery.  Andrew took a personal day to join me. I had never seen our fund plaque on the tree, and Andrew and I set out to find it shortly after we arrived.  My sister arrived, and lots of pictures were taken.  It was absolutely the perfect way to honor and feel connected to my dad on his milestone birthday.

My sister had a particularly emotional morning.  Before the ceremony even began, my sister had an appointment with my grandmother.  Grandma is essentially beginning to "give up."  I can't blame her.  She is 93 years old, and today marked the 11th of my dad's birthdays that has been without him.  Earlier in the month it was my grandfather's birthday.  In August he will have been gone 20 years.  Grandma is tired of living the way she is living, and she is tired of living of living without her loved ones.  She has outlived all of her siblings and their spouses, her husband, his siblings and their spouses, and her son.  My sister is also the one my mom is leaning on in her recovery.

I'm so grateful Andrew was able to have a day off and spend it with me.  While I've been emotional at times, I also know that my dad is with us every day, and I'm so grateful how much I was able to feel him today.  I know he is proud of us and is looking down and smiling on us.

My dad has been gone ten years

It seems so hard to believe, but my dad has been gone ten years.  It seems unfathomable to me that an entire decade has passed.  There are so many days when I find myself wishing I could ask him how to do something, how to fix something, or get his opinion on something.  There are so many times when something will happen and he's the first person I want to share it with.  Even ten years later, those things happen.  It's so unreal that it's been ten years.

I know it's been a few weeks since I've written.  Life has been both crazy and dramatic lately.  It's all going to work out though.  I'll recap when I can.  I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving week, some down time, some family time, some good food, and decorating for Christmas!

This date is always hard

Today is my dad's birthday.  He would be 69-years-old today.  More than any other day of the entire year, this is the date on which I miss him.  This is the day that is supposed to be all about celebrating him, and he isn't here.  I don't love this date, but I'm grateful Dad was a part of my life for forty years, and that I celebrated him as much as I could on each one.  I vividly remember his 39th birthday.  It was my first year at college, and he was going on a work trip.  It was early in the "cell phone" era, and calling outside of the cell range was pricey.  I woke up really early so that I could call him shortly after he hit the road.  I remember how pleased he sounded that it had mattered so much to me.

It's a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous spring day, but it is still a day that hurts.  It's been a rough month overall, and I hope to soon write about things happening in our lives and catching up!

Sunday afternoon drives

I just took Thomas back to school.  He was home for spring break this past week, which was ridiculously early.  But I always love having time with him, and enjoyed having him around.

He's been home every weekend this semester except one.  With his cat not being there and the one friend he had ending communication (not entirely sure why), he is lonely.  It is heartbreaking for a mom, but I can't change it.

I also don't judge.  I went home every weekend (almost) my freshman year, and so I am not about to tell my son I won't do for him what was done for me.  I handle the Friday evening pickups, usually, and I've also handled about half of the Sunday afternoon returns as well.  And I really don't mind.  Today was a lovely day and I truly enjoyed the drive home completely by myself.  It's a nice opportunity to just have some quiet and sing along with the radio.  I remember my dad, who took me back to school nearly every Sunday, tell me he never minded those Sunday afternoon drives, and I get it.  Missing him today, but always feeling he is with us.  I'm blessed to have my family.

Today my dad would have turned 68

Today is my dad's birthday.  I always miss him every day, but it's always magnified on this date.  And of course, I can't help but think about my grandmother.  No one should ever outlive their child.  It shouldn't be that way.  I am so grateful that I had him in my life for as many years as I did.  He was an amazing father, and I'm so glad that my kids were able to know him.  Love you dad, and miss you so much!

Today would have been 49 years

Today would have been my parents' 49th wedding anniversary.  They made it to 40 years before Dad died, but we didn't celebrate that.  He was too sick that year.  We did a big party for their 25th, and we did a card shower for their 35th.  Even at that point, Dad had been sick for twelve years and we really didn't know how many years would remain, and a big party would have been too much.  Last night as I was dozing off to sleep, I was having a dream, but it wasn't really because I wasn't asleep so I don't really know what it was.  But for just a second, I forgot my dad was gone.  That was a harsh realization that kind of sucked, but I know I'll see him again someday.  Dad is missed every day, but anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can be especially emotional.

Saying good-bye to a friend's father

Yesterday I journeyed about an hour north to the funeral of a very dear friend's father.  He had passed about a month ago.  I last saw him just about four years ago when her grandfather passed away.  Her family moved away from our hometown while we were in college, and her dad had been through two kidney transplants, strokes, cancer...just one thing after another.

Our dads were so very similar.  They were both fairly young when us girls were born, and they almost shared the shame birthday (her dad's is the day after my dad's).  They were both mostly surrounded by females in their family (her dad had one son but three girls), and both were fairly quiet, but oh so very friendly.  They both worked so hard and taught amazing important life lessons.  I think they could both fix anything.  And ultimately, they suffered so, so much with their health.  It was an absolutely beautiful service.  I'm so grateful that I was able to be there to share in the celebration of her dad's life!

Ten years since our last family trip

Ten years ago this past weekend, we took our last trip as a family to my dad's cottage.  Andrew and I would go for a weekend with friends in April, and we would make a day trip in May, but this was our last overnight trip.  I was so emotional at the time, because the cottage was for sale.  I completely understood why dad needed to sell, and I'm really glad it wasn't something mom had to deal with when he passed.  I'm so, so grateful for the memories we made there.  They were really awesome times with our family and my dad!

I remember 25 years ago today

On this date in 1996, my father went to our family doctor and received a diagnosis of pneumonia.  It was the beginning of his seventeen year fight with a disease called BOOP.  For this disease, about 70% of the people who have it respond well to steroid treatment and are better after four months.  My father was a seemingly healthy 42-year-old man when he went to the doctor that day.  Even with the BOOP diagnosis, he should have been fine by Christmas.  Instead, my dad literally never had a normal day of breathing again.  The doctors never knew what caused it, which is typical.  Although it is a rare disease, two other people living within two blocks of my parents also developed the disease, which has always made us wonder about an environmental link.  I also knew someone in our former town whose father had the disease.  All of those men were much older when it developed.  My father once told me his pulmonologist told him he was the longest living person with his chronic form of the disease.  We assume it was because he was diagnosed so incredibly young.  He was determined each and every day to enjoy what he could, no matter how he felt.  My dad was truly an amazing man.

It's kind of odd that I remember this day so very vividly, considering at the time we had no way of knowing how serious the illness was.  My brain though, made an indelible image of him on the back porch as I got home from work.  I'm so grateful for any memory that involves my dad.

Hands down, my least favorite date each year

Today is my dad's birthday.  It is hands down, my least favorite date each year, because he isn't here to celebrate.  Even Father's Day is okay.  I can still celebrate Andrew and my father-in-law.  Same with Christmas and other holidays.  I miss him, but there is still much to celebrate.  Today though, today there is nothing else to celebrate except his birthday.  It is the eighth birthday without him, and it still hurts.  He sure would have enjoyed seeing my kids become adults, and especially Thomas, who would've loved sharing so many hobbies with him.  I'm so grateful Dad is no longer suffering, and I wish him a very happy heavenly birthday!

I found an absolute treasure

Andrew has taken Catherine and Thomas to visit his parents.  They left Saturday and will be back tomorrow.  They even took our sweet pup with them.  I'll be honest, I have very much enjoyed the 72 hours of basically no responsibility (other than being at my mom's to help).  At the same time, I will be so glad when they are all home tomorrow evening.

I spent the first two evenings watching movies that I knew would make me cry.  Not only do I not like to cry in front of my family, but I really need a good "all out" cry with all of the emotions I've had lately.  I pretty much sobbed while watching "Steel Magnolias" last evening, but in many ways it felt so good.

For today, my plan has been to watch the Reds game this evening while working on scanning some photos.  For some reason, the CD on which 2009 photos appears to be corrupted, so I am scanning the photos to have them digitized.  Thank goodness I was so good about printing things out!  Unfortunately, the area has had some pretty heavy rain this evening, so while the game will happen eventually, it isn't happening yet.  While eating dinner I decided to see what I might have that I could watch for a little bit.  I came across a video my aunt & uncle had taken at a pool party at their house...in 2006!  I'm pretty sure I had never watched it before.  It's almost an hour of the kids playing in the pool.  I loved watching Catherine.  I had forgotten how determined she was and always on the go.  It seemed like nothing ever scared her.  I also loved watching her older cousins be so sweet with her and so helpful.  I was also able to hear my father's voice.  It was wonderful.  I'll never forget his voice, but it was good to actually be able to hear it again.  He was on the video only for a moment or two as the camera was pointed almost exclusively at the pool, but I did get to see him.  I loved getting to hear his voice, and I loved getting to see my kids be so little again.  Not just in a picture, but see how they moved, and in the case of Thomas, how he screamed (he wasn't necessarily a fan of the pool at age 2).  It was truly a treasure to find that!

I've felt stressed today

I'll be honest, today has been a stressful day.  My kids are driving me a little crazy.  If Catherine sighs or roll her eyes at me one more time I might just come unglued.

I've also just about had it with people who have suddenly become experts in every aspect of life.  I've been finding lately that the people who are the most ignorant and uninformed tend to have the loudest opinions.  I've also had it with people who are convinced they have all the answers and no one else can have anything worth mentioning.  I'm truly tired of people being mean.  Frankly, there is a serious lack of kindness happening in our world. 

It doesn't help that some people at church are being challenging.  Some insist we should've opened by now.  Some are not planning on returning any time soon.  It's an entirely new arena in which you just can't make everyone happy.

There are a few other areas of life that are causing me stress, but I'm not going to go into detail here.  I will though, tell about a song that made me cry today.  It is a song that includes my name, and I vividly remember it coming on the radio as we were driving to my mom the night that my dad died.  It isn't a song I hear very often, so hearing it today took me right back there.  It suddenly was that night again and it was all so vivid.  I couldn't help but shed some tears as I was driving.

I haven't slept well lately, and I'm hoping a good night of sleep will help to make tomorrow a better day!

Things I will miss this weekend

There are many things I will miss this weekend.  Usually there is a large gathering of some kind by someone we know.  That certainly can't happen this weekend, and we understand that.

This is a weekend I associate with my Dad very much.  When we were kids, my dad would take us and we would spend a couple of days with my grandparents in Coldwater, MI where they had a summer place.  Oh goodness, those are some of the most precious memories!  It's funny, I don't ever remember it raining when we made the trip.  It was always just wonderful.  As an adult and a parent myself, so many years we were able to take the kids and spend a day with him at his cottage.  In fact, the very last trip there was over Memorial Day weekend, and Thomas caught his first ever fish.  So many wonderful memories from those visits!

I am also missing the family gathering that would have happened this morning after the family made the annual cemetery trip.  We didn't go last year for a variety of reasons.  Now both Aunt Cathy and G.G. are gone.  I'm not sure if this is something that will continue or not for the family, but I have such awesome memories of our family eating breakfast together on the Sunday morning of Memorial Day weekend.

I am missing not only those no longer with us, but those that I just can't hang out with these days!

So many emotions

This is going to be a long post.  Please feel free not to read it.  It is my feelings and my thoughts, for my memories.

Today is full of so many emotions for so many different reasons.  The first being that Andrew and Thomas are traveling to my in-laws, and that always cranks up my anxiety.  However, my father-in-law has declined rapidly since Christmas.  We've already explained to Thomas that Pappy may not know who he is, especially at first.  Because of the virus, Thomas and Andrew quarantined themselves this entire week, even more than normal.  No trips to the store or anything that might involve being around people.  I feel strongly that it is important they make this trip.  They have taken our sweet pup with them because my father-in-law loves dogs.  Andrew and Thomas will not be going out at all while they are there.  We are doing our best to minimize any risk to my in-laws.

Catherine has finished her high school days.  I am so proud of her I can't even explain it.  More than anything, I am proud of the way she has handled these last two months.  It sucks for her completely, but her attitude has always been phenomenal.  I am so grateful for all of this extra time together, and I think in many ways she is as well.  I can't wait to really be able to celebrate her, and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.

We just finished up eight solid weeks of the "virus life".   Things are beginning to reopen, and it's terrifying.  I have agreed 100% with the closings and restrictions that have been in place.  I also agree 100% that it is time to get things open again.  Our family has been so incredibly lucky.  Although I have lost my income, Andrew is the primary earner and we'll be fine.  And yet, he doesn't have to leave the house right now to earn his paycheck.  Although it's been challenging, he's been able to work from here.  We can all completely stay home if we want, or run to the store if we want.  We are safe, and we don't have to worry about paying our bills.  We have each other, and we've had so much fun together.  But not everyone has these same circumstances.  Many are worrying about jobs, and bills, and health, and so many other things.  Even I am feeling "virus stress", and our circumstances are about as ideal as they can be.  There is, without a doubt, a mental and physical toll that is being exacted even in those who are not physically affected by the virus itself.  I get it.  That doesn't mean reopening is going to make me feel better about anything though.  It's a fine line, and it brings me a different kind of stress.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I am so incredibly blessed to be the mother of my kids.  My heart could not be more full.  I can't help but think about my mother, who lost her own mother less than three months ago.  I'm sure this holiday is more bitter sweet for her.  We will see Mom on Monday to share some lunch (carry out).  Although Andrew and Thomas won't be here, I know that I will talk to them tomorrow and Andrew made sure I had a card from them.  I insisted on waiting until they get back though.  It's fine.  I don't need a big deal made about me at all.  I can't help but think about my oldest though.  Andrew and I have officially begun using the word "estranged".  It isn't a pleasant situation, but I also know that the choices he has made and is making are completely his own.  We love him, and each member of my family has reached out to him at times over the last few months.  We understand, as best we can, where things stand with him, and we accept it.

My mother also mentioned that she is selling my dad's Corvair.  On my dad's last birthday, his boss/best-friend (who passed six weeks before Dad) surprised him with a Corvair convertible.  My dad had one as his first car and always loved it.  Unfortunately, Dad was too sick that summer to enjoy it.  I'm not sure there was ever more than one ride in it.  Thomas had wanted to own that car someday, but I completely understand Mom not wanting to pay the storage, insurance, and registration on it each year.  I began to cry when Mom told me, and Andrew offered to buy it.  I appreciated it, but as I explained I don't really want to pay the storage, insurance, and registration on it each year either.  We have two children who are leaving for and nearing college, and I would much prefer, without any doubts or regrets, that any extra money we have go to that cause.  I was so grateful that Thomas didn't get too emotional when I told him.  I don't think I could've handled that.

I am grateful that I have a few hours completely to myself before Catherine gets home from work.  There certainly hasn't been much quiet time the last couple of months, and I'm okay with that.  At the same time, I enjoy these few hours right now.  I know this post is long and some might even think ridiculous, but that's okay.  There is a lot going on in my heart right now, but I also know that we are pretty much fine.  I just wanted to record all of these thoughts to become part of my memories.  Our lives are a blessing!

Thinking of my dad as we stayed really busy today

Today would've been my dad's 66th birthday.  It's true that time does help.  It doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to, but oh goodness, I still miss him so much.

I really felt like we "channeled" him today, and I have no doubt he was smiling upon us.  Andrew worked on school stuff pretty much all day.  Anyone who thinks teachers are "on vacation" clearly doesn't know (or respect) teachers very well. Yes, he has some added flexibility and isn't getting up at 5AM, but he is working just as hard, and maybe even harder than he would under normal circumstances.  He is truly concerned about his students learning the material, but he can't instruct them the way he normally would.  So he is scouring for additional resources as well as learning new technology, and things just take longer.

On my end, I made five face masks today.  Ironically enough, the first one was actually the best looking one I made, but that was because it was thin material and and thin thread.  I used heavy duty thread and heavier material on the rest of them.  We couldn't get our sewing machine to work so I am hand sewing them.  I really don't mind, but I'm just not used to this.  I want to make each of us another one, as well as one or two for my mom, and send a couple to my in-laws as well.  I think I have enough material to do that.  Hopefully tomorrow the kids will be a little more willing to help as well.  I don't love wearing them, but I do appreciate the benefits to society.  And maybe they will make great graduation gifts as well!

I don't know anybody in my life who works harder than my dad did.  As I sit here reflecting on the day, I can't help but feel peaceful.  And for that, I am grateful.

I was doing okay until this evening

The evening my dad died, we were at parent/teacher conferences for Thomas.  I remember I ignored my cell when it rang, but when Andrew's rang and I saw it was my mom, I excused myself and went into the hallway.  Mom told me Dad was unresponsive.  She suggested I should get up there.  I told her we were in a meeting, but I would call when we left and she could update if I needed to head to the hospital.  I called when we got to the car and she said she couldn't talk, but would call back soon.  I remember we pulled into the driveway, and I told Andrew I wanted to sit in the car until Mom called back.  Somehow I just knew I didn't want to be in front of the kids when Mom called back.  Strangely enough though, when Mom called, I wasn't distraught.  Andrew was much more upset than I was.  I immediately went into "we need to deal with this mode."  I called my best friends Stephanie & Chad, notified teachers that kids wouldn't be in school, etc., etc.  I remember it all so very vividly.

This evening I had to go to work at the church.  I like working Thursday evenings because the choir is practicing so I'm not there alone, but the kids are gone for almost three hours because of swim so I don't miss family time either.  Anyway, when I got home this evening and pulled into the driveway, it was all too eerily familiar.  My head and my heart went back to that evening six years ago, and it was a Thursday.  For a little while this evening, my heart broke all over again.  Having G.G. in the hospital isn't helping.  After all, she is 90 and isn't going to live forever.  I'm emotional this evening.

Dad has been gone six years

It doesn't seem possible that Dad has been gone six years.  I am so incredibly grateful that I had 40 full years with him in my life.  I regret that my kids never got to know him before he was sick, but I will forever be grateful that they also had many years with him.  I love that Thomas especially, still tells me little things that remind them of him.  I miss him so much.

Mom is having a particularly rough day.  Her mother has been taken to the hospital this morning.  I feel so awful for my mom.  When her sister became ill two years ago, it was predominantly my mother who made sure Aunt Cathy was at all of her appointments.  It was mentally and physically exhausting for her.  Mom admits that she has not recovered, especially not mentally.  To have to deal with G.G.'s illness right now is especially hard on her.  G.G. is not being a cooperative patient and is accusing the family of lying.  My mother is so angry, and I feel badly for her.  I have a feeling she is going to have a particularly long weekend.