I still cried about it four years later

This morning I was reading a post I wrote four years ago.  I sat here and cried all over again.  The feelings and emotions of that morning were that powerful.  I can still picture so very much of it in my mind.  As emotional as it makes me, it is literally one of my favorite memories ever.

Today's tears though, were also about all of the things that have happened in the past four years.  That doesn't mean they are all sad, although certainly some of them are.  It was just a day that wrapped up so many of my feelings about our lives at the time.  I think many days of parenting are very similar, but that one was all just so amplified.

I'm very grateful for the blog and for all of the memories...even the ones that make me cry!

Pretty much my favorite kind of day

Today is definitely the kind of day I absolutely love.  First of all, it is a Saturday...and that alone makes things awesome!  I didn't get to sleep in until whenever I wanted, but I did get to sleep in three hours later than a normal school/work day.  The weather is down right chilly.  It is already after Noon, but hasn't yet reached 50 degrees.  Not a cloud in the sky though, so the fall colors are bright and vibrant.  I went to the league cross country meet being held at our high school this morning.  Our girls dominated, although we were disappointed that our #5 runner finished 6th and not 5th.  Yeah, they are THAT good.  Our boys also won the league title.  After the race, I allowed myself a specialty coffee drink, and then picked up flowers for the Homecoming dance this evening.  Now, we have most of the afternoon to just hang out and enjoy some college football.  Tonight is Notre Dame playing USC.  This is just my dream kind of day.

The only "down" is that the kids have a dance this evening.  Not really a bad thing at all, but it does keep me from just closing my eyes and not caring what time it is all day!

We enjoyed our long weekend

It was so nice not to have any school Friday.  Thursday evening Andrew had to work at a soccer game, so he brought the kids home from band practice.  We hung out and watched some Modern Family, our family's current binge preference.  Friday morning we slept in, then Andrew and I headed to my hometown to sign some legal papers.  That evening we all attended the very wet football game.  Of course it rained, it was senior night after all!  We were getting blown out so I sat in the press box with Andrew and left after half time.  When everyone came home, we again binged watched TV.

Saturday morning was the league cross country meet.  Andrew had to work, and I wanted to watch the high school races.  I had so much fun.  Our runners did awesome, and frankly, our girls dominated.  Our lady runners came in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 10th to capture the league title.  Our boys team came in second overall, but our friends' son won that race.  It was a great morning!  Catherine worked in the afternoon, then we had no more driving!  We were invited to our neighbor's house for a bonfire, but came home to eat dinner with the kids and more binge watching.

Sunday was church and Sunday School, and Catherine had to work again.  I was able to get a lot of things done around the house, and we ate a family dinner together.  Those are rare, and are going to get rarer with swim starting soon. 

I really enjoyed our weekend.  Sometimes I feel guilty that my kids don't have more of a social life, but I so enjoy hanging out at home together!

I went to a cross country meet this morning

This morning I went to the high school cross country meet.  It is the only home meet for the team (except for league).  Of all the things Robert did, cross country was my favorite.  And cross country has such fabulous kids and I wanted to watch them run.  Fortunately, the rain held off and they got the races in.

Our girls team won the meet.  We have an incredibly talented group of sophomores and freshmen, and they ran great races.  Our boys team came in second.  There are two seniors on the team who have moms with whom I am friends.  One of them is an elite runner and came in third overall.  The other struggles with his running, but he is one of my favorite all time people.  I was happy to be there to encourage our runners.

It all made me emotional.  This is the meet two years ago where Robert went down and Thomas needed encouragement.  Seeing kids struggle this morning to finish brought back those memories and brought tears to my eyes.  And honestly, I cried most of the drive home.  As I said, this was my favorite activity of Robert's, and there were so many good memories.  Because of Robert's choices, it is sometimes hard to remember that there were good memories...but there were, and so many of them involved cross country meets.  At the same time, I remember his very last race last year, and it wasn't a good memory.  We had discovered another set of lies and poor choices just before he ran, and it wasn't a good race.  It's tough to think about it all ending that way.

Things just came flooding back and I'm tired.  Parenting transitions can be tough, and sometimes it just takes a while for all of the emotions to flow.

He ran his last cross country race

Saturday morning was the league meet for the cross country season.  Of course, before the race, we had caught Robert in another lie regarding how he wasn't where he was supposed to be (the downside to him having the freedom of a driver's license).  The hard part with him is that he is insistent on going down swinging, and even though I am standing there calmly explaining the evidence, he keeps with his story.  Honestly, it is insulting how stupid he seems to think we are sometimes, but that's another story.  We knew this was going to be Robert's last race of his high school career because many teammates were running faster and he wouldn't get to compete in districts next week.  Robert ran his second best race of the season, but it was still about 90 seconds off of his personal best time.  He just couldn't keep himself together after the race.  The emotions of everything just became too much for him.  He was so disappointed in himself and his performances this year, and there would be no more opportunity to improve.

It seems hard to believe that we are reaching this season of "lasts", but it is time.  It definitely needs to happen.  It is definitely time for Robert to move on to the next phase of his life.  Hopefully there will be some successes in swimming or track, but in the meantime, it is hard to see my child hurting.

A disappointing cross country season

This weekend is the league meet for cross country.  Honestly, it has been an incredibly disappointing season.  I'm not even entirely sure what has gone wrong.  Robert ran this summer and was in shape, and of course we even sent him to camp for a week.  The very first meet of the year he developed blisters on his feet, and honestly, it never really got better.  He has had some cramps in a couple of races, and one race he told us he fell twice.  He is coming in about 10th on our team and running about two minutes slower than we would have expected.  We had really thought our team could be competitive at league this year and I do think it can, but Robert isn't really going to get to be a part of it.  Barring some sort of odd miracle, this Saturday at league will be his final race because only the top seven runners on each team get to run at districts.  The season sure feels like it has gone quickly!

A cross country meet with some sadness

Tuesday Robert had a cross country meet at our former town.  Thomas really wanted to go along and see some people we know and since he is still not cleared to play football, missing practice wasn't really an issue.  Robert wasn't able to ride the team bus to the meet because he doesn't return from the career school early enough.  He got home and we left right away, which was about 25 minutes after the bus was supposed to leave.  I took the back roads just because it was easier based on exactly where we were going.  As we pulled into the park, we received a text from the coach letting us know that there was a bad accident on the state routes and that route should be avoided.  We realized that the team bus hadn't even realized yet.  As I began to chat with friends, I learned the coach had been involved in the bad accident.  He actually lives in our former town as well, and he was driving separately since it was ridiculous for him to return to our current town after the meet.  There were other coaches on the bus, and they had gone a different way because of the accident, but they got lost on the way.  We certainly didn't expect to beat the team and the coach there!  Fortunately, the coach was uninjured, although his car was totalled.  Sadly, the accident did claim three lives.  A semi had plowed through a red light and t-boned a car carrying a married couple and their young daughter.  It is such a sad situation, and is certainly a reminder of how quickly things can change in life.  Our coach was pretty shaken up about the entire experience, which is very understandable.

Robert had a really tough race and apparently developed a cramp with less than a mile left.  He ran across the finish line screaming and collapsed as soon as he had finished.  Thomas was already there with him, and one of our best friends was working the finish line and she was right there with him as well.  I thought it had been a breathing or heat issue, but it was just the cramp.  Sadly, his times are continuing to be poor and I know that he is disappointed.

We stayed for the middle school race as our friends' son was running, and we knew so many of the boys.  We enjoyed getting to visit with so many different people, but I also recognized that I've become a little more settled in our town.  I would hope so, we've been here four years now!  I no longer ache with yearning (or cry) when we have these experiences.  I'm so grateful that we've had such good times in both of our towns!

Saturdays in the fall

I think Saturdays in the fall are my absolute favorite.  The only downside is that they usually begin a little earlier than I would like with Robert having to catch a bus for cross country, but Andrew and I love watching him run.  We are often home anywhere from mid-day to early afternoon...just in time for college football!  There is usually an opportunity for me to close my eyes at least for a quick nap, and then almost always there is a great college game on in the evening.  There really is nothing like Saturdays in the fall!!

Cross country league meet

This morning was the league meet for the boys' cross country season.  For Thomas, it was the final meet.  He set a new PR of 23:19.  Overall, the middle school boys won the league trophy.  It made my heart smile to see how pleased Thomas was to hold onto the trophy and feel as though he is part of that team.  I'm so grateful for how the boys, all of whom are clearly significantly more athletic than our little guy, accept him as part of the team.

Robert ran 20:18, his best time of the season...of all three races he has finished.  Because of injury to others runners, he will still be able to participate in district competition next weekend.  We aren't sure if we are going to be able to be there, but we will worry about that when the time comes along.  The high school team came in third overall, and some friends' son place in the top ten so that was very exciting.

To be honest, there is almost nothing, especially in these politically charged days, that can reaffirm my faith in humanity like these cross country experiences!

Best time yet

This morning the boys had their final regular season cross country meet.  It's our favorite meet of the season.  The course is wonderful, the meet is well run, and the park in which it is held is absolutely gorgeous this time of year.  Today was an absolutely perfect day as well.  My mom and grandmother came down to see the boys run.  Robert had a really great finish, and he really kicked it in at the end.  We were standing in a great spot to be able to see his determination.  It was his best finish of the season (sadly, there have only been two) and it's still questionable whether or not he is able to compete in the post season race.  It will be determined next week at the league meet.  But we are very impressed and pleased with where he is with things right now.  Thomas's race was the final race of the day.  He finished last, but was able to take nearly an entire minute off his best time and set a new PR.  We were so proud of him!  I was also so grateful that my mom & grandma were able to be there as well and see them.  It's been a great day!

Another race last evening

Thomas had another race last evening.  Both boys will race this weekend, but there is a chance, because of the schedules of the others, that I may not get to see Robert race again.  It stinks, but as parents we do what we have to do.

Robert and Catherine were with us for this race.  I can't help but worry about Thomas and how long he takes.  Goodness, he doesn't move quickly.  At the same time he is exactly who I would be if I had ever thought about running.  I'm proud of him for never complaining, and never, ever asking to quit.  He's a part of the team, and he's enjoying the success as a team overall.

And folks, there is nothing like the sportsmanship of cross country.  I mean nothing like it!  My young guy finished second to last, as he pretty much does every single time.  His time was slower, because basically he pushes himself just hard enough to not finish last, so his time depends on the strength of the runner behind him.  There was one young man who finished behind Thomas, and I always make sure I stay and cheer on any runners who are behind Thomas.  They deserve the cheers for finishing as well.  After the race, the young man came by Thomas, and these two congratulated each other on running a good race.  And it was a good race because both of them finished.  I love, love, love seeing the sportsmanship.  It give me faith that there is still some kindness left in the world!

His return to running

Yesterday was Robert's return to competing on the cross country team.  I wasn't able to be there because Thomas began his art classes.  Knowing that he hadn't run at all in nearly four weeks, and hadn't finished a race even before that, I was nervous about how things might go.  The coach had a conversation with Robert this week about not going out to hard.  He needed to recognize and accept his current physical condition and limitations.  Robert had told me his plan was to run in the 25 minute range, which is nowhere near his personal best, and also is nowhere near being competitive.  Andrew called me when it was over and said Robert had completed the race...and I let out a huge sigh of relief!  It took over 24 minutes, but he did finish.  Robert has learned a lesson about his lack of preparing this past summer, and combined with the surgery might very well take him out of any post-season competitions.  He still has his senior year though, and hopefully be running track, and actually preparing in the off season, he'll be able to be competitive again.

It brings tears each time

Today was another cross country meet.  Obviously, Robert is out of running for a while.  We left he and Catherine here today since she wasn't feeling well either, and made the hour drive to the meet.  Thomas cut five minutes off his time, but still finished 262nd out of 263 runners.  His teammates though, well they are just the best.  Several high school students were positioned near us at the half way point and were cheering him on.  Andrew commented that he couldn't believe these high school kids remembered he would be out there so long after all the other runner had passed or that they knew his name.  I commented that I'm not surprised.  After all, Thomas is a very sweet, friendly, and likable kid...and he is Andrew's son.  Andrew doesn't think that has anything to do with it, but I strongly disagree.  Every one of the kids that were standing there were either current or former students.  I am so grateful for these kids who cheer on our son, and I'm so grateful that Thomas has learned to persevere even when he's struggling.

Sometimes you just can't be stoic

Today, even just by Noon, was one of the most emotional days I've had as a mom in a long time.  Our boys had a home cross country meet.  Of course it is another one of those miserably stifling and oppressive days.  Andrew and I had agreed to work the traffic post, as there was a point in the course where the runners have to cross the driveway at about the 1/2 way mark of the race.  They had planned to do it such that we would be able to watch our own kids run, but honestly, that isn't really how it was going to work out.  I was okay with just seeing Robert only pass us, and to be honest, I was pretty sure Thomas was going to be close enough to the end of the pack that I'd still be able to get to the finish line.  When Robert came by, I could tell he was struggling, and I was a little concerned after last week.  He was the last high school race, and as we began adjusting to move to our middle school race crossing point, I saw two female runners that know us running out to us.  My immediate thought was, "Uh oh."  As they came closer I yelled, "Everything okay ladies?"  My mom intuition was barking.  Heather responded that Robert had gone down and was completely out for a time.  The trainer had gotten to him and they were taking him in.  I asked if he was conscious, and Heather explained that he had been able to get into the gator on his own.  I had Andrew call the trainer, and he said that Robert seemed to be responding well to an ice bath.  We explained that we were out working on the course, but would come in if needed.  The trainer stated that he thought we'd be okay.

The middle school girls ran next, and then the middle school boys.  I'll be honest, part of me was so dreading this.  I was completely realistic that Thomas was probably going to walk about 80% of the two miles, and that was fine.  Having already had one kid go down, and knowing that Thomas has a history of health problems in the heat, well, that definitely added to my concern.  The lead runners came by, the next pack came by, the steady flow of the middle runners came by, and the last pack came by.  The stragglers started coming by, and one was a friend of Thomas's.  I could tell her was struggling, and kept asking if he needed anything.  He crossed our area, and when he got to the grass on the other side he stopped and stooped over.  I kept my eye on him and kept asking if he was okay.  Finally I had Andrew call the athletic director and tell him that we needed an adult following these runners in a cart (a good move as it turned out he was also unable to finish the race).  During none of this was there any sign of Thomas.  I finally told Andrew to take off going on the course going towards the beginning to make sure he wasn't down somewhere.  Finally I saw someone walking in the far off distance, and as a mom I immediately recognized it as my son's walk.  He came by and I gave him an extra bottle of water we had on hand.  Not sure if that is allowed, but I didn't really care.  We decided it wouldn't be a bad idea of Andrew kind of jogged nearby (there was one other runner behind him at this point) since the golf cart was already up ahead with the others.

I cleaned up a few things at my post that I needed to do, and then I began to walk to the finish line.  As I came around the corner of the school, I realized that one of our team's runners had someone running along side him.  I began crying and took off running when I realized it was Thomas and Catherine was running right next to her brother.

The emotions of the day were just too much for me at that point.  As Thomas came into view of the finish line (he still had a loop to make) the various people gathered around saw Thomas and Catherine come around the corner together, followed by his dad, and then followed by his crying mom.  A lady I knew from church gave me a hug and I just couldn't seem to get words out through the tears.  They weren't sad tears, although there certainly had been concern about Robert.  They were tears of pride as I watched my son keep fighting through the struggle, and watching my daughter, who had struggled the exact same way two years ago, remember that I had run alongside her at the end of her very first race and did the same for her brother.

I was able to get to the finish line well ahead of Thomas who had to finish his loop.  My sister, my mother, and my grandmother had come down for this race and we were all standing near the finish.  I suddenly noticed Lizzie, one of my favorite high school students.  She realized Thomas was still out on the course, and began gathering her high school teammates to cheer him at the finish line.  Thomas's middle school teammates had already been cheering him on as he came into view around the corner earlier.  I cried again as I watched my son cross the finish line, and in what I consider to be a moment of divine intervention, someone caught Thomas crossing the finish line on video.  I was just completely overwhelmed by it all.

I spent some time conversing with my family, and then we all headed our separate ways.  When we came into our house, I told each of my kids how proud I was of each of them.  I'm proud of Robert for trying, I was so very proud of Thomas for finishing no matter he how felt, and so proud of Catherine for being there for her brother.  I began crying again as I told them each this (I'm also pretty hot & tired at this point which might have something to do with my emotions).

Every time I reflect on it, I begin to tear up again.  This is exactly where we are supposed to be at this point in our lives.  There is no way I could ever begin to question that.  I will never forget the moment I realized it was Catherine I was seeing run alongside her brother, or hearing all of those cheers from his teammates as he ran at the end.  I'll never forget the moment I saw Lizzie gathering her teammates to be there to cheer for Thomas as crossed the finish line.  I know it wasn't just about a teammate, although Lizzie would've done that for everyone.  It was also my husband's son.  I'm so blessed to get to see everyday how much my husband is liked and respected by his students.  It wasn't just a matter of being there for Thomas...these kids wanted to be there for Andrew's son.  I am so very grateful to get to be the mother of my amazing kids, and for all of these moments we had today.

DNF to DNS

Are you familiar with DNF?  For racing fans, that would be recognized as "did not finish".  Unfortunately, that was the scenario with Robert and his cross country race this weekend.  I noticed when I saw him early in the race that he seemed to be struggling more than I expected him to be.  He looked okay when I saw him a bit later, but at the 1.5 mile mark I didn't see him at all.  When some of our less experienced and less athletic runners came by and he hadn't, I knew something was wrong.  Thomas pointed him out and I saw that he was with his coach, and appeared to be in distress.  I phoned Andrew who had gone past the 2 mile mark to see them and then I began walking towards Robert.  By this time, they had gotten a gator to him and it was heading towards medical.  The coach pointed me out to the driver and they stopped for me.  Turns out he had heat exhaustion.  He looked pretty bad when I first saw him in the gator, but by the time I got over to him at medical, he was starting to look much better.  He recovered quickly and for that I am very grateful.  We were all disappointed that no time was recorded, but obviously that is not the important issue.

After the race we drove further east to have dinner with Andrew's parents.  It was a very nice dinner and I could tell they were very grateful we had included them in our day.  Unfortunately as we were leaving, the DNS portion of our day happened.  This would be the exact opposite of DNF...it's a "did not start".  Andrew's parents car wouldn't start.  We aren't entirely certain what happened, but we gave the car a jump and they were on their way.  They had a full tank of gas an no need to stop until they were home, so we were cautiously optimistic they'd be okay.  We were glad to hear from them when they made it home.  At their ages, they just don't deal with adversity well anymore.

All in all, it was a very eventful day!  Yesterday was a day for my side of the family as we visited at a birthday party for a bit.  And of course today is the beginning of our first, full, crazy-as-ever week!

Another really early morning

This morning I got to "sleep in"...until 5:30.  Woo hoo.  Thanks to our early volunteer shift last weekend, today was the first day I got to sleep past 5:00.  As someone who is most certainly NOT a morning person, this is starting to be my undoing, and I am VERY tired.  I hope as the year progresses I'll become more accustomed to it, but my concern is that I'm just going to grow more tired.  It'll work out though.

We are leaving in just over an hour to make the long trek to Robert's first cross country meet.  I really, really love watching him run, and I'm so grateful he has this opportunity.  At the same time, he didn't train this summer like he did the summer before so I'm not really sure how he is going to do.

And of course, I'm looking forward to a really good night of sleeping!

This year's first swim meet

Tonight was the first official swim meet for the season.  I enjoy watching my kids swim, although it certainly isn't a true talent for any of them...at least not yet.  I somewhat regret that they got started so late, but I'm glad they are enjoying it.  Catherine had a particularly rough evening, and because of improper technique was disqualified in two of her events.  Thomas struggled in some of his events, but did have one where he did't come in last.  This was Robert's first meet.  In two of his races, he was the only one in his heat so it's difficult to really know how he did.  In the other two events, he raced against only one other person, and of course that one other person was the son of our good friends here in town.  I hated that both Robert and Isaac were the only two racing...I would prefer to root for both!  He did manage to beat Isaac both times, which surprised me because Isaac has been swimming for years.  However, Isaac does no other athletic events during the year, and Robert is very involved in athletics.  With only two years remaining I know that Robert isn't going to be a consistently winning swimmer, but I think he'll be able to be competitive.

We also learned yesterday that Robert is going to be allowed to participate in cross country this fall.  Because he met the state requirements but it was the school standards where he felt short, the school had some flexibility in deciding how to apply the 2.0 rule.  Andrew met with the athletic director yesterday who decided he would use Robert's cumulative sophomore GPA and declared Robert eligible.  He felt it would only benefit Robert to be participating.  It's hard to argue that point.  The first semester Robert had a 2.6...when he was doing cross country and diving.  After he broke his hand and made several other poor choices that led to him not being able to continue in the dive season or participate in track, he recorded a 1.3.  We are very grateful that he'll be able to participate, and Robert was very excited.  Hopefully he has still learned a lesson, and things get better next year!

Not good news

Unfortunately, we have learned that there was a miscommunication and Robert is not eligible for cross country in the fall.  He is understandably disappointed and while I'm disappointed for him, there is also part of me that hopes a lesson is learned.  This is not anything that has happened "to" him, it is something that is directly related to poor choices he has made.  I hope he doesn't just decide school isn't worth anything and completely shut it down in the future, but again these are his choices.  Praying for peace for us all.

It's been a sad week

Overall, this has been a pretty sad week for our family, but everyone is hanging in there.  There has been some improvement with Andrew's brother, and we are grateful.  At the same time, it just seems as though he (and his parents) have suffered so much and to be honest, it's hard to want him to continue living the life he is living.  Aunt Margie passed away Wednesday morning.  We will be going for the visitation tomorrow and then I'll go back up Monday for the funeral.  I was able to make it to my hometown for the visitation of my classmate's father, and yesterday I spent with my family at my great-aunt Pat's funeral.  These great-aunts are both on my Dad's side of the family, so that makes the emotions even tougher as we are less than a month from the two year anniversary of his passing.  Family funerals (and weddings and other gatherings as well) tend to bring out the family drama, as my aunt (and these are her aunts) decided not to attend funerals, and there are hurt feelings over that.  We are also concerned about our cat Wally, as he seems to have developed a cough, and I'm concerned his time may be near as well.  To be honest, I've been praying all week that if it is his time to go, that the good Lord take him so we don't have to make that decision....although there isn't really a decision to be made.  We would never consider keeping him alive to suffer.

All-in-all, it's been a pretty emotional week.  I've been at school all day every day for Wednesday, and Thursday, and of course the rest of our daily/weekly activities have been occurring as well.  It wasn't until I arrived at the funeral yesterday (late of course, because I had to leave a meeting early just to get there when I did) that the enormity of my emotions of the week hit me, and I just began to cry.  I couldn't stop crying for a bit.  I realized in some ways I'd just been too busy to allow myself to be sad about all of it.

There are happy things too.  For instance, Robert runs this afternoon at the cross country district meet.  We know that he and our team are not competing for anything really, but we are proud that Robert has done so well this year!

He came back strong

Robert was officially allowed to return to cross country practice this past Monday.  Today was the league meet.  We knew that he would be allowed to run, but we weren't really sure what to expect in terms of results.  He hadn't participated in a meet in six weeks, and had lost over four weeks of practice.  We were at approximately the half way point of the race, and we were absolutely astounded to see that he was keeping pace with our team's #1 & #2 runners.  This isn't a race that we get to see much of the runners, and we parked ourselves at the finish line to see how it was going to end.  Our first three runners had come across and I was beginning to think that Robert had fallen off, when I turned around and there he was barreling towards the finish line.  He finished fourth on our team with a time of 19:21...cutting 38 seconds off his personal best!  We were so excited, and he was absolutely thrilled!  Next weekend our team runs at districts, and only the top seven runners from our team are allowed to participate.  We weren't sure if he would still be one of the top seven, but it definitely appears that he will.  We are very proud that he continued to attend practice where he was allowed to ride the bike and still do core work, and it obviously paid off!