It was a rough way to wake up this morning

This morning I had to get up half an hour earlier than normal for my shot appointment.  Although school was closed today, I went to work after my shot because I have some deadlines looming.  Because I have "needle anxiety", I didn't sleep the best.  The last dream I had as the alarm was going off though, was absolutely awful.

I dreamt about Robert.  In the dream, he was here because he had no where else to be.  He was stealing (big, major things) from us, and he was attempting to physically intimidate us.  It was truly a nightmare.  In the dream, Andrew and I were telling him he had to leave even though he had no where else to go, and my other two children were heartbroken.  It was one of the worst dreams I've ever had.

I awoke in tears, and allowed myself to cry a minute.  Honestly, I don't even have words to explain how I feel about that dream.  It was painful in ways I can't even describe, but I am so very grateful it was only in my dreams, and I pray it stays that way.

Since I needed to wear a short sleeve to make it easier to receive my shot, I decided to wear my dad's flannel over it.  It was a flannel I had given him the last Christmas that he was alive, and I appreciated having a little part of him with me this morning, although that made me a little emotional as well.  I also wore my bracelet with the "blessed" charm that I bought myself before Christmas.  It was a wonderful, and much needed reminder that again, it was all just a dream, and we are safe.

The bracelet

The first Christmas after Robert graduated, my best friend gave me a bracelet as a gift.  I loved the style, and she had specifically chosen it because it had a Navy anchor on it.  I loved that bracelet.  I wore it often.  I even took a picture of it and texted it to Robert.  I told him one of the reasons I loved it was because it made me think of him (which of course was her purpose), and I felt like he was with me when I wore it.  Of course I never heard a response from Robert.

As things happened though, I stopped wearing the bracelet.  While I still love the style, the fact that it reminded me of Robert was just too painful.  I have no intention of getting rid of it, but it's been tucked into my jewelry box for quite some time.  Since I loved the style, I decided to buy myself a Christmas present.  I found a very similar bracelet, except that it has a dangle charm that says "Blessed."  I absolutely love it, and I am very blessed!

A year ago tomorrow

Tomorrow marks one year of a day that represents a tough situation.  While I know the rest of my family remembers the day as well, none of them could tell you the exact date, but I can.  I don't want to "air dirty family laundry", but I do want to explain some things.

It was a bright, warm Saturday.  We had absolutely nothing on our calendar.  With two active teens involved in band, swim, job schedules, and other summer fun, an "empty" day is rare (at least until the virus hit).  We had some chores we wanted to accomplish, but no set schedule.  It was a fun family day just being at home.  Our plans for the evening included watching a movie together.  I vividly remember us sitting together as Thomas suddenly exclaimed, "Robert is married!"  He had found some information on social media.  Catherine and Andrew gasped.  I remember not being at all surprised, but that doesn't mean I wasn't hurt.  He had been gone 52 weeks at that point, and honestly, this was the day I think I kind of realized we were pretty much going to be going forward as a family of four.

Catherine reached out to him about this, and none of us heard from him for weeks.  I should have seen the writing on the wall.  He never would give us a mailing address of where he actually lived, just his official military address.  We didn't always have a current phone number for him.  I (in an effort to be hopeful) kind of assumed it was because he was out of the country and things didn't always work like they did here.  Robert had been an incredibly challenging teen, but we had always hoped some maturity and discipline from the military would help with his decision making, and we hoped some distance might help us to have a better relationship.

As weeks went on, we learned about so very many things he had not told us, or had flat out lied to us about since he had left for the Navy (including the fact he had been married six months before we found out).  His wife reached out to us at one point, and she seemed like a lovely young lady.  I knew very little about her, but we all wanted to be open-minded.  To this day, I truly know almost nothing about her.  I have no opinion of her.

Sadly, things did not get better with Robert.  We would hear from him, but usually only when he needed something, and that thing was pretty much always money.  The extended family was very hurt when they didn't hear from him at the holidays in any way...no card, no emails, not even a thank you for the generous gifts shipped to him.  We know he received the packages because he cashed the checks!  He never reached out to anyone in the family when relatives passed.  Many in the extended family were less than pleased by his behavior, especially in this day of easy communication.

Through it all, I can't say Andrew or I were surprised.  We knew there was a pretty good chance that Robert would one day be estranged from us for whatever reason.  We also knew it would be his choice.  We will never burn a bridge or refuse communication.  However, he has to want to be a part of the family.  We can't force him.  We took solace in that no matter what, he was not only a productive, tax-paying member of society, but he was serving our country.

Sadly, in February it seems as though his choices (which had apparently continued to be poor) caught up with him.  The Navy decided to part ways with him.  While he has not reached out to us since January (Thomas did receive a text February 1) we do know where he is and that he is safe.  He has let it be known that he wishes to completely separate from us.  Again, not surprised, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at times.  The most heart-wrenching part has been watching my other two children try to understand and process this.

I am putting this all out there because I kind of feel like sometimes it is the elephant in the room.  This is the story.  This will most likely be the last I write about Robert specifically, because at this point, this is where the story ends with him.  As his parents, we will never close the door completely on him.  He is our son and we love him.  As adults, Andrew and I are also able to recognize that sometimes life is better without drama and toxic relationships.  If Robert ever chooses to be a functioning part of this family, he will be welcome.  In the meantime, our little family of four is still full of much love, and we are blessed to have such an amazing extended family, and so very many supportive friends-like-family!

He isn't Chuck Cunningham

I have kind of joked a little bit that I haven't had any stories to share about Robert...it's almost like he is Chuck Cunningham from Happy Days.  Some have asked, "Who is Chuck Cunningham?", and my answer has been, "Exactly."  For those that don't know, he was Richie's older brother who left for college and was never heard from again...at least not on the show.

Robert is living on an island in the pacific.  Yes, I know where he is, but I won't share for various reasons.  For one thing, he is an adult and it is mostly just his story to share.  Secondly, while he is hardly doing major intelligence work, we just don't need to go there.

Robert has chosen to share very little of his life (and life stories) with us.  I could certainly speculate why that may be, but I won't.  Andrew and I accept this, and honestly, we aren't really surprised.  The part that breaks my heart is that he is missing so many awesome things with Catherine and Thomas, and I can't do anything about it.  They adore him and miss him, and he has no more contact with them then he does with us.  It is what it is.

I just kind of wanted to put this here, because I don't want people wondering "what happened to the older brother?"  We might see him in the next couple of years, we might not.  We do hear from him enough to know that he is safe.  We accept it for what it is, and we focus on our sweet little family of four.  We soak up these days of still having two at home, and are very grateful for it!

The emotions of the past week

As we got into Friday evening, the emotions of everything began to weigh on me.  Robert knew it, and I tried very hard to be strong.  I couldn't however, ignore the meaning of everything happening around me.

For one thing, Robert will be leaving the middle of January for a pacific island.  His orders are for three years there.  Us visiting him is extremely cost prohibitive.  Even him visiting us is super expensive.  We are hoping he might be able to come back in 17 months for Catherine's high school graduation.  However, that is not a sure thing, either from the timing or from a financial standpoint. Knowing my son was leaving and it could be more than year (or even years) before I see him again was a tough reality to face.  Add to it the fact that my father-in-law may not know who he is next time, or even be around, and those were some serious emotions.

There is also the fact that Robert brought a dog with him.  Turns out this dog is only a four-month-old puppy.  Our sweet Abby is less than thrilled, although she is very tolerant.  Of course Catherine and Thomas adore this puppy and are doing a very good job of being helpful and caring for the dog.  It was tough for Robert to say goodbye to the dog yesterday, and when the dog realized Robert wasn't here, he was sad as well.  It hurt my heart.  I'm also concerned about the kids being attached to the dog.  He is supposed to go to my mom's house to live for a couple of months on Thursday, but I don't want her getting too attached either, and I'm not entirely certain she is going to put up with him.  I could handle him being here for a while, but it isn't what I want for us.  I feel guilt that part of me is irritated with Robert for adopting a puppy right before going overseas, but I understand how it happened since Robert is incredibly impulsive and this is a sweet puppy.

I am so very, very grateful for the amount of time we all had together last week.  I was a little caught off guard that I was so emotional at the end (although lack of sleep played a part as well).  It was hard knowing Robert would be so far away, but him being a functioning member of society is certainly what we had been going for, and I'm proud of him.  I'm so grateful he loves the Navy, and I love what the Navy has done for him.

We still have a week until school begins again.  I am looking forward to a bit of quiet time before it all gets crazy again.

Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran's Day, and is the 100th anniversary of the ending of WWI.  This year is definitely a new perspective.  While Andrew's father was a Marine, my family has very little military experience except for my grandfather in WWII, and a great-uncle in the Korean War.  Now though, my son is serving.  I'll be honest, the day has made me emotional.  Our pastor, who is very emotional, became choked up while speaking about Robert from the altar, and I can't ever let anyone cry alone!  The songs have made me tear up, and it's just a completely different perspective for me.  I feel like I really get it for the first time, and I also know that I don't completely get it.  I have not yet had to deal with Robert facing imminent danger, but that will most likely be in our future.  I am so very proud of Robert, and I'm grateful to the military for another reason.  I am grateful to our military for making men out of the boys who join.  I know many are like Robert, and I can't imagine where he would be without the discipline and structure of the military.  I'm so grateful for it all!

Visiting with Robert

Last evening we were able to FaceTime with Robert.  I'll be honest, it was really nice to be able to do that.  We text often, and Thursday evening he and I even chatted on the phone, I enjoyed being able to see him.  At the same time, he looks so tired that it is very worrisome.  I'm sure he is fine, it's just as a mom it is my job to worry.  Thomas and Catherine especially enjoyed being able to chat with him.  It was only about 20 minutes, but we were able to see the room he is in, and just communicate together as a family for a few minutes.  I understand this is our new normal, but it makes me miss the family times with all five of us.  At the same time, so many of the times with Robert living under our roof were less than great, and this is better for all of us.  Most importantly, he is exactly where he wants to be right now, and I'm very grateful for that.

It is such a relief!

Yesterday at the end of the school day, I received word from Robert...and it was very good news!  All of his paperwork has come through, and he is able to continue his training!  We are more relieved than I can put into words, and he is so excited that he gets to continue moving forward.  He will be in Texas for the next several weeks, then we aren't exactly sure what comes next.  Please know I will continue to be rather vague when it comes to Robert and his experiences, but I wanted to share this very good news!

My son is a sailor

This weekend we were able to travel to graduation for Robert from Naval basic training.  We are very proud!  We got up there Thursday afternoon, but we just had dinner and hung out at the motel.  Friday morning we were up super early, and were seated 40 minutes before the ceremony began.  His division marched in second from the last and I couldn't see anything.  Being short is sometimes a pain!  It was about 15 minutes later before I could pick out the one that I thought was him.  The ceremony was over 90 minutes long, but finally, we were all set free!  When we got to him, he had tears in his eyes.  It was very touching that he was so happy to see us!  He had to report back, and unfortunately, by the time he was able to see us again, we only got to spend another 2-1/2 hours together.  We had to come home that night because of the schedule for Catherine & Thomas.  There were many times when Andrew and I would look at each other and just smile because we noticed a change in Robert.  Don't get me wrong, he is still a nineteen-year-old, but he had grown up so much in the ten weeks since we've seen him.  Some things are up in the air regarding him right now, but I appreciate the fact that he now has a phone and we are able to call and text.  My son is a sailor in the United States Navy!

I went to a cross country meet this morning

This morning I went to the high school cross country meet.  It is the only home meet for the team (except for league).  Of all the things Robert did, cross country was my favorite.  And cross country has such fabulous kids and I wanted to watch them run.  Fortunately, the rain held off and they got the races in.

Our girls team won the meet.  We have an incredibly talented group of sophomores and freshmen, and they ran great races.  Our boys team came in second.  There are two seniors on the team who have moms with whom I am friends.  One of them is an elite runner and came in third overall.  The other struggles with his running, but he is one of my favorite all time people.  I was happy to be there to encourage our runners.

It all made me emotional.  This is the meet two years ago where Robert went down and Thomas needed encouragement.  Seeing kids struggle this morning to finish brought back those memories and brought tears to my eyes.  And honestly, I cried most of the drive home.  As I said, this was my favorite activity of Robert's, and there were so many good memories.  Because of Robert's choices, it is sometimes hard to remember that there were good memories...but there were, and so many of them involved cross country meets.  At the same time, I remember his very last race last year, and it wasn't a good memory.  We had discovered another set of lies and poor choices just before he ran, and it wasn't a good race.  It's tough to think about it all ending that way.

Things just came flooding back and I'm tired.  Parenting transitions can be tough, and sometimes it just takes a while for all of the emotions to flow.

We could use some prayers

We just received another phone call from Robert.  I knew right away it couldn't be good news.  He was calling to tell us that he failed a written test (twice) and was being "held back".  It will delay his graduation from basic training by at least two weeks.  He was so upset and I could tell that he is so stressed.  I explained he wasn't the first and he won't be the last.  That is why they have this protocol in place.  He said he had been up all night studying, and I have to wonder if that is part of the problem.  It is hard to know that he is this stressed, and that there is nothing I can do to help.  I am so afraid he's just going to give up and decide he can't do this.

He also said that he didn't have any additional information on his health issues.  I know the stress is making the health worse, and the health issues cause more stress.  Because of the health, he could be delayed even more.  This is hard on this mom's heart.

Specifically, please pray that Robert's health stabilizes and everything is okay physically.  Secondly, please pray that Robert can pass this test and get through what he needs to get through.  And lastly, we would appreciate prayers for him to be strong emotionally and mentally and be able to keep at it.  He has come so far and I would hate for him to lose it all now.

We got to talk to Robert

Saturday evening the four of us were sitting around watching the Reds game when the phone rang.  Robert had told us when he got to basics that he was allowed to call in three weeks.  We had no idea when...so thank goodness we were home!  He sounded really good, and it was wonderful to hear his voice.  He is truly enjoying the challenge, and we are very proud of him.

On the downside, he is having some medical issues.  If anyone has some spare prayers, we would appreciate them being sent up on his behalf.  Please pray that it is all due to stress, which is something that should heal with time, and not something more serious.  That would cause him to be medically discharged, not to mention having to deal with something serious with his health.  As a friend of mine said yesterday, "This is the first time I'll pray for an ulcer."

The good-byes are getting to me

Today was the annual pool party at my aunt's house.  I enjoyed hanging out with the family, although that side is full of way too much drama.  Regardless, it is fun to get together.  My mom and grandmother came down, and for my grandmother, it was her last chance to see Robert.  Just like my mother-in-law (which I managed to avoid), my grandmother cried when said good-bye.  That really gets to me.  Everyone made a point to say goodbye to him, and my aunt became emotional as well.  Next week my mom & sister are coming down again to see him.  I can do all right until someone else gets emotional..and they are.

We've learned that we are actually supposed to take him to Columbus next weekend, and we have the opportunity to see him sworn in that Monday morning.  Unfortunately, I can't make that happen on a week's notice because that is band camp.  We've decided we will all take him over and get him checked in, and that will be the time for goodbye for Catherine, Thomas, and myself.  Andrew will drive back over early Monday morning.  I have a feeling this next week is going to be pretty draining.

Some tears in church

I hadn't meant to go so long between writing posts.  There has just been a lot going on, and I've been emotional about a lot of things.  I don't want to sound as though I'm complaining or to be a downer, so I just haven't written...and I've been busy.

Honestly, although I've been emotional, I fight against being so.  I don't want to sit around being weepy about the thought of my son leaving, because it really is a good thing.  Sometimes I've thought that I am not emotional enough because there has never once been the thought that I wish he wouldn't leave.  Joining the Navy is exactly what he needs to do for so many reasons.

This is the last Sunday Robert will be in church, and we asked our Pastor if he would include him in the weekly prayers.  Knowing Pastor as we do, we knew that he would want to do so, and I suspected he would even bring him to the altar for a bit of recognition.  I wasn't prepared however, for Pastor to begin crying and then ask us all to join him.  I was weeping as Pastor prayed over us all, and was pretty weepy through the rest of the service.  To be honest, it is the first time I have openly cried about Robert leaving, and I just wasn't prepared.

I'm so grateful for our church family.  I found a great deal of comfort in knowing that they are all praying not only for Robert's safety, but for our peace and comfort as well!

We celebrated Robert

Yesterday was the graduation party/Bon Voyage party for Robert.  It's why I didn't write much last week.  We were working our little rear ends off and it was crazy.  The weather was dangerously oppressive, and that didn't help either.  It really zapped our energy.

Things worked out fabulously though.  Our house was extremely clean, and we even had things pretty well set up by noon yesterday.  My aunt and uncle had spent the week smoking pork and chicken wings, and they arrived to help get that all ready.  My best friend Steph also arrived at that time to help with final details.

We were blessed with absolutely gorgeous weather for the afternoon.  Highs in the low 80's and low humidity.  It was fabulous.  Over 70 guests came to visit, and I regret that I didn't get to visit with each one more.  A couple of them who came from our former town brought tears to my eyes, and a life long friend flew in from New York to be here.  It was a wonderful afternoon!

While I was starting to wind down and be ready to begin my evening of relaxation, my friends Jen & Amanda were inside washing all of our dishes.  I was grateful beyond words!  I was able to spend the evening visiting instead of cleaning.

I don't know that there has ever been a day when I have felt as much gratitude and full of as many blessings as I did yesterday.  It really showed us who our friends were, and even one of my mom's friends mentioned I was so lucky to have friends like family.  I was grateful that Robert was able to be celebrated, and to say good bye to so many friends and family.  It was a day where my home was full, but my heart was even more full!

It was different

Last Friday we received word that Robert's departure date has changed.  He is now scheduled to leave a week earlier than we were originally told.  This is not terribly surprising given how things have worked up to now, and Robert is definitely ready to go. 

This past weekend, we went to visit Andrew's parents for Father's Day.  I'll be honest, it made me emotional at times, and I know Andrew's mother realized the reality as well...she even said so.  Although Andrew and Robert are going back to his parents next week while the younger two are on a church trip, this was the last visit with all of us.  This was the last time Andrew's parents will be with all three grandchildren at the same time for quite awhile.  My mother-in-law even mentioned it might be the last time ever.  While I hope that is certainly not the case, I also acknowledge that my father-in-law is declining, although not rapidly.  We don't know when Robert will be able to have leave for a visit, and then getting Robert to PA could be challenging to see them (although we will certainly do our best).  I am grateful that I will not be along with them next week when he leaves, because I know Andrew's mother will be very emotional.  My own mother is becoming emotional as well and that is unlike her.

I know these changes are coming on the horizon, and while I think they are good changes, I know it is an adjustment!

Robert graduated

Last night Robert walked across the stage and graduated.  I am so relieved that this day came and that everything worked out.  I am so grateful for the people that came to support Robert in this accomplishment.  My mom and sister came down, and my aunt from here in town was also there, although we didn't get to see any of them.  My in-laws were here, Robert's Godparents, my cousin and daughter, and a very dear friend drove clear across the country.  That meant more to Robert than anything else.  I was proud when the principal asked the military enlistees to stand, and I loved the fact that Andrew was able to give Robert his diploma.  I was also touched that Robert specifically chose a tie that had belonged to my dad.  I appreciated that Robert thought about Dad on his special day and wanted him to be a part of it.  I thought of many loved ones yesterday, and know they were watching down on us.

Overall I enjoyed the ceremony.  Robert's class was tame and there was absolutely nothing raucous about the event.  The principal loves the students, and they love him, and it showed last night as well.  I was so happy to cheer for so many students I've been able to meet over the last two years, and especially the Ag students.  I appreciated how happy they were to see me as well, and I was grateful I was able to see Jackson and give him a hug after the ceremony.  He is enlisting in the Marines and I can only hope he is successful in all of that.

There have been so many things happening around here lately and I hope to be able to get on here and really record them for posterity.  Regardless, I'm grateful to have a few moments to record this really big moment in life!

It all began a year ago today

A year ago today was the first day after the end of Robert's junior year...so technically it was the first day he was a senior.  I vividly remember the day.  I took Robert to the Navy recruiter and it was the beginning of the process.  Here we are, a year later.  Wow, did that go really, really fast.  I'm grateful, because we needed to get to this point.  However, I don't want time to keep moving at this warp speed.

One of the things I remember the recruiter asking me, and many others have along the way, was how I felt about this whole thing.  I've always completely supported Robert in this decision.  It isn't about me at all.  I love my son, and this is his dream.  And it has been his dream since middle school.  Honestly, I can't imagine another path that would be better for him.  Of all the incredibly dumb choices he has made, this is the best decision ever.  I am so proud of him!

I think it is actually going to happen

Robert just sent me a text of the certificate he is receiving for completing the course of study at his career school.  I really can't put into words how grateful I am that he shared that picture with me.  Even knowing he had passed all of his classes last week, there was a part of me that wondered if this was all really going to happen.  It really does seem as though he is going to receive his high school diploma.  I know it sounds very dramatic, but when you live with a child who makes some of the poor choices that Robert makes, getting that diploma isn't guaranteed.  I hate that I have wished away an entire school year, but it was never lost on me that each day that passed was one day closer to getting Robert through school.  Now though, all the sports seasons are finished, exams have been taken, classes are done, and I am almost allowing myself to believe that I will get to see Robert walk across that stage.  Even now, I am hoping I don't jinx the situation by writing that.  As a school employee, Andrew is permitted to hand Robert his diploma.  I am excited about that, because I feel that many days we worked as hard for it as he did.  Robert even admitted he probably wouldn't be graduating if we didn't have our foot up his rumpus like we did.  That is a mature (and realistic) perspective!  I am almost feeling like I can really exhale.

It kind of stinks that it has to end that way

Last evening was the very final track meet ever for Robert.  I had planned to attend, but it was raining and I wasn't feeling great so I decided to stay home.  The price of gas soaring also made it less appealing to make the trip.

Robert made it home a little before 11:00 last night.  Because we are down to two vehicles, I had to pick him up.  I could tell he was tired, and even more, I know he was disappointed.  We are a school, that due to the number of students, competes in Division I.  Unfortunately, we have at best, Division II athletes.  Robert ran on three relays, and they came in last in each and every one of them.  I hate that not only his season, but his entire track career has to end that way.

One of the nice things about track was Robert's willingness to run in any event where they placed him.  His coach wrote a nice note that he was very grateful for that.  I am grateful for the three seasons of track that I was able to enjoy with Robert.