It all hit me

Last night, I was sad.  Really, really sad.  I cried and cried.  I cried more last evening than I did the evening my dad passed away.  I think it was nine weeks of tears built up that finally just came out.  It didn't help that it was a Thursday evening which is when Dad passed, nor did it help that I was edgy because Andrew had taken Thomas to scouts in our old town and the roads were bad.  Normally we would just consider not going, but last evening was Andrew's turn to run the meeting so off they went.

I've really been pretty okay for the most part.  I have my kids and Andrew to distract me and keep me busy (and oh my, have I been distracted...the stories I could tell of some of the things I've done!  But perhaps that is another post).  My father's passing was not a tragedy, and I refuse to allow anyone to say otherwise.  Dad getting sick at 42, that might be a tragedy, but his passing after suffering for 17 years and failing quickly in the last year, regardless of how young he might have been, was not a tragedy.  I was at the time, and have continued to be, grateful that he did not pass any closer to the holidays, that my kids were settled in school and our new home, that he didn't pass in the hospital, that my parents never had to make the excruciating decision to put him in a nursing home, and that his passing seemed peaceful and was not some violent incident.  I was grateful that I was not under the stress of "trying to get home" before he passed.  There was nothing I could have done to have been there, and because of conversations my dad and I had over the years I know that was okay.  I am very, very grateful that he is no longer suffering...no longer struggling to breathe or in any pain.

There are so many people who are dealing with things far greater than my father's peaceful and merciful passing.  Any time I have felt sad I have reminded myself that I have so many things for which to be grateful.  I think there has been part of me that feels guilty for feeling sad, and I've simply willed myself to just get through.  There is nothing wrong with that, but I also recognize that pretending I'm not sad, doesn't mean that I'm not sad, and when one loses her father, it is okay to be sad and to cry.  That was me last night, and hopefully it's a step forward.