I didn't get much sleep last night

I could not fall asleep last night...no amount of counting anything seemed to be able to make that happen.  Strangely enough, the exact same thing happened two years ago on the Monday night before Thanksgiving.  Not sure if that means anything, but it's odd.

I am READY for this break...although breaks aren't what they used to be.  When the kids were younger, breaks means everything stopped and it was time off.  Now, breaks mean there is no school, but sports practices, etc. continue on.  Today for instance, Catherine has the school newspaper after school, Robert has an FFA activity and then dive practice, and Thomas has basketball practice this evening.  Tomorrow Robert has dive again and then Catherine has basketball practice...so not a complete break, but there will be sleeping in!

Andrew's in-laws arrive tomorrow evening.  Originally we had a plan to have a meal with them while still having actual Thanksgiving with my extended family, but since Andrew's brother is recovering from his latest medical issues in an extended care facility, his parents are coming here.  They are staying longer than anticipated and I'm not entirely sure how we are going to pleasantly fill all of those hours, but it will be what it will be.  I have very dear lifelong friends who are at their parents for the week, up from North Carolina.  I have every intention of making the 75 minute drive to my hometown at some point while they are here in order to visit.  A new baby arrived last month and this is my chance to meet him!  And of course all weekend will include decorating for Christmas...I love doing this as a family!

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!

What is it about November?

There just seems to be something about this month...I don't really know why I haven't written in over a week.  Many of the other blogs I follow also seem to be in a rut with very few updates, and looking back over my archives it seems as though November is the month where I just stop writing.  Maybe it's because November is both busy with upcoming holidays, and yet mundane.  Nothing really exciting happens until the end of the month and maybe that's it.

Last week was pretty much a perfect example of life right now.  I filled my gas tank Tuesday evening after dropping Robert at dive practice.  I didn't have it most of the day Wednesday because Andrew was getting the oil changed in his car so he drove the van to work.  When I got in that evening and noticed it had gone nearly 40 miles, I immediately wondered what he had been up to.  As we figured up all the taxiing we do to kids' activities though, it became evident he hadn't done anything but ferry kids around!  On Thursday evening as I was driving Robert to another dive practice...I pointed out that the van had gone 60 miles in 48 hours...without leaving town!  It was just Andrew's drive to work and transporting kids.  That is our life right now.

And I don't mean for it to sound like a complaint.  I am so grateful for all of the opportunities our kids have here...it's why we decided to move here!

A November snow day

Never in our lives have we had a snow day in the middle of November, but it is absolutely gorgeous outside!  The schools closed about 5:30 this morning, so we all slept in...and that is always nice!  We are, of course, hoping that this winter isn't picking up where the last one left off, but for today we are enjoying the gift of time!

Winter's arrival

On Monday, the high in our area was the upper mid 60's.  Tuesday was equally warm, although rain showers moved in later in the day.  I took advantage of the warm temps to get LOTS of Christmas shopping accomplished.  A cold front moved in that evening, and last night's low was in the teens...and tonight we are under a winter storm warning with a forecasted 3-5".  Winter has definitely arrived, and we are hoping for a snow day tomorrow!

Saturday afternoon

Yesterday afternoon was one of those comedy of errors that we'll all look back and laugh on at some point...but not at the time.  At the time, it made me want to cry, but it all worked out and life could've been worse!

My mom is buying the kids a ping pong table for Christmas.  We are really excited about this.  I've purchased the paddles and extra balls and that is what the kids are going to unwrap from her.  The table itself will remain safely in our garage until we are ready for it.  The purchase however, was an adventure.

There is a Meijer in the nearest major community, just over a 10 minute drive away.  This weekend was credit card discount, which means 15% off general merchandise.  I had noticed at another time they had a ping pong table that was $200 which mean I would get $30 off.  Andrew and I ventured yesterday to purchase it along with our weekly shopping.  We were fairly certain it wouldn't fit in the van, but weren't concerned because we have a luggage rack on top.  As an added bonus, it was marked down to $160 and I still got the discount...woo hoo!!!!!  Anyway, we confirmed it wouldn't fit so the gentlemen put it up on the rack, and I started loading our groceries while  Andrew went in to buy tie down straps.  He came back out several minutes later and spend another several minutes removing them from the package, when I quickly realized they were too short.  He went back into purchase longer ones, and returned and removed those from the package.  These however, were not "simple" ones like the first ones had been and we were completely clueless as to the design.  Two college educated individuals are standing there stumped in the parking lot by tie down straps!  Fortunately a kind samaritan with a clue recognized our problem and not only showed us how to use them, but made sure everything was secure so we could get on our way.  We laughed at our stupidity and were all set to leave...when the van wouldn't start.  We had left the hazards on for 45 minutes, and because of the age of the battery and the very cold temps (winter has arrived!) it didn't have enough juice to start the van.  Of course!!!  Andrew went back into the store and happened upon the store manager who had cables, and another manager brought his vehicle over to jump ours.  Seventy-five minutes after checking out we were on our way home!  We took back roads and went very slowly because after everything that had happened I could just see the ping pong table falling off on the road and begin destroyed.  We made it home safely though, and a neighbor came over to help get it down and hide it in our detached garage.  What an afternoon!

My dad has been gone a year

It just doesn't seem possible that Dad has been gone an entire year.  Frankly, there are days (and today is one of them) that it doesn't seem possible he is gone at all.  I am so, so, so grateful for the memories.  I've also been very blessed with emails that I have from years and years ago, especially sharing stories of the kids.  It's like I can literally hear his voice when I read those emails.  I'm not going to lie, today hurts.  I am grateful that today is the beginning of the weekend so that our evening doesn't have to be so structured, but I am also grateful that it is a school day so that, for the most part, I will have the day to myself.  There will be tears.

But life has to go on, and it does.  Today I will spend the day painting Catherine's room.  Not only is it something that needs to be done, I know I'll feel Dad very strongly today because it's something we had in common.  I've also told Andrew that dinner this evening will be fried chicken brought in.  That was Dad's favorite meal, and at the little local chicken place in my hometown he could call up and order his usual...and it would be ready for him.

I'm going to cry today, I'm going to laugh today, I'm going to hug my family today, and I'm going to remember my amazing father.

It's Hump Day!

We are half way through the week!  Two weeks from today we will be on the first day of our Thanksgiving break...woo hoo!  Andrew and I were discussing last night though, that breaks, much like weekends, aren't what they used to be.  It used to be that breaks meant there was nothing much happening...it was TRULY a break.  Now that we have a teen in high school though, it simply means there is no school but the other activities carry on.  Robert will have dive practice twice (have I mentioned his newest endeavor...diving?) over the Thanksgiving holiday, but it'll work out.

This evening Robert will officially be inducted into FFA (Future Farmer's of America...it's really just an ag-science class) and will also be recognized at the President of the Greenhands (Freshmen FFA members).  He has to give a speech, and we are equally excited and nervous for him.  Tomorrow evening will be the annual cross country ceremony...always something going on!

Yesterday I was able to spend hours out and about doing some Christmas shopping.  In spite of my feelings about shopping generally speaking, I actually enjoyed yesterday.  I think it was because I was able to accomplish a great deal and I feel good about it.  I really feel like there is a plan for what we are getting everyone and I feel much less overwhelmed.

So, life is plugging right along.  I've been doing lots of praying this week as parenting a middle school student feels like it is just about the most wretched thing on earth.  I'm grateful though, that we got one through already, and I just continue to pray that I am able to be the parent each of my children needs me to be!

A year since I've heard his voice

A year ago today I talked to Dad for the last time.  Although he was hospitalized at the time, I still never imagined that would be the last time.  He sounded good that day though, and I'll always be grateful for that.  We were inside a large building and my signal wasn't the best, but I can tell you EXACTLY where I was standing in that building when the call ended.  Strange.

I'm going to be honest...I want this week to be over.  I hate wishing away even one second of my children's lives, but I'm just ready for this week to be done.

Christmas Letters

Over a week ago, I began encouraging the kids to make their Christmas lists.  Last Sunday, several ads were in the newspaper, and Robert got right to it.  As with any 15-year-old, his list is rather short (and electronic).  He put it on my desk when he was finished.  Catherine made her list later that evening and put it in the window so the elves would take it.  I have to mention here, we have never had a talk with Catherine about the realities of Santa.  I can only assume as a seventh grader that she is fully aware, but she still follows through on ALL things...and with her personality, I'm just not sure.  By Monday evening, Thomas still hadn't made his list.  I asked him when he was going to get around to it, and he replied, "I don't know.  I've had a lot to do!"  I laughed and asked him what he had going on, and he mentioned homework and cleaning his room...all true.  Finally after his room was completely clean on Tuesday, he sat down and made his list, and it also went in Catherine's window that evening (I have no idea why it had to be her window, but I didn't question).  Somehow it came up that Robert hadn't put his in the window, and Thomas was aghast.  He wanted to know how Santa was going to receive the letter.  I quickly answered that Robert had mailed it.  Thomas wanted to know how Robert knew Santa's address, and I explained that we don't need to know...we can just put "Santa Claus, North Pole" and the US Postal service will be able to deliver it.  Thomas pointed out that it is the "US" postal service and I reminded him that they also handle international mail.  Good grief!  Again, he still seems to really believe, although I can't imagine things haven't been said.  At the same time, he has such an innocent and magical personality that maybe he is still a believer.  And regardless, if all of them are just playing along because nobody really wants to break the magic...I am a-ok with that as well!

My plans for the day

I must admit, I am looking forward to today.  It is pretty chilly outside, so it's the perfect day to just hang out at home.  Andrew will be venturing nearly three hours north to the playoff football game, which means I will have TOTAL control of the TV remote this evening! :)  I have nowhere to be except a parent performance by Robert's marching band, and I'm planning to just enjoy the day and get a lot accomplished at home.  Tomorrow Robert has to be back at the school at 7AM, and I'm going to head north to my hometown for a little shopping and visiting with family.  I should be back early enough tomorrow to enjoy a quiet afternoon and college football!  I cherish times like this!

Processing emotions

I'm sorry for yesterday's little pity party.  I realized that at the root of it was 18 years of anger.  For the last 18 years, I've had a very sick parent...with the exception of the four months immediately following Dad's death while we were grieving him.  I spent several hours yesterday crying, and I can't tell you the amount of guilt I feel about that.  My life is immeasurably blessed, and the added expenses are more than covered in our savings account.  I am grateful that there are still options, and that we are able to make another attempt.

At the same time, I need to remember that it's okay to acknowledge we've been through a lot.  There have been some really, really tough days in the last year.  If I have a bad day sometimes, I need to allow myself to have that bad day.  The important thing is that those bad days don't keep us from functioning.  We can't act on those bad days by lashing out, but it is okay to feel sad and angry.

My parents both have had amazing attitudes through their illnesses.  NEVER did I ever see a parent cry over their circumstances (other than 1996 when it was initially feared my dad had lung cancer) and NEVER have I ever heard either parent wonder, "Why me?"  My parents have been amazing in that regard, and I've tried to emulate that in my own coping.  After all, if they are doing great, why shouldn't I be?  But I'm not in their head, I'm not in their private thoughts, and I'm sure they've had bad deals of sadness and anger as well.

So, today is a new day.  I'm going to stop beating myself up over the feelings of yesterday, and I'm going to move forward with whatever today brings.  The important thing is...we CAN move forward!

Feeling selfish

We just got some more information on attempts to dilate my mom's esophagus...and I am feeling unbelievably selfish.  We had originally been told Indianapolis was the place to be, but the GI doc said he wanted to check Columbus and Cincinnati as well, and he hadn't even ruled out a local option.  Mom called today and the best place to be...Ann Arbor, Michigan.  This location is 4-1/2 hours away from my kids and three hours from my Mom's home.  She is ready to move forward full steam ahead, and I feel a little bit like I rained on her parade.  I will of course do whatever we need to do, but I recognize we are now looking at travel and overnights away.  We don't have friends here like we did in our former community, and it's going to be tough with the kids.  Not to mention the added expense of hiring someone to help with Thomas before school, the added expense of a motel stay, the added expense of the gas and wear on my vehicle, and the added expense of the meals while gone.  I think the reason this is upsetting me so is my sister.  She lives less than two miles away from my mom, yet through everything she has been to ONE doctor appointment and transported Mom to her radiation or chemo treatments twice...and the chemo treatment she just dropped her off and went back.  I know that my sister has a full time job and I'm not working, but her full time job is working for herself as an attorney.  I understand not working means no income, but at the same time there are so many things she could do from anywhere.  I can't transport my kids or see their activities from 4-1/2 hours away.  I feel so guilty for my selfishness.  I know that I should be grateful that there are still options, but right now the logistics and expenses seem overwhelming.  The good news is that nothing has to be handled today.  I can allow myself today to selfishly have a good cry about it, and as soon as we get information from Michigan, I can get to handling things.

Around our house

Life around our house is chugging along, BUT there is no school tomorrow!  The schools are polling places for the election, so the school prefer not to have students in them.  Andrew still has to work, but the rest of us are home...and get to sleep in!

We received good news today regarding Catherine and basketball.  There aren't enough girls registered for a 7/8 league, but they are going to allow the 7th grade girls to play on the 5/6 league.  I think this will be a great experience for Catherine.  She still gets to play, and as one of the older (although still, sadly, shorter girls) she might get to experience more leadership.  My mom was concerned that Catherine may not want to play with the younger girls, but as I suspected, she was a-ok with it.  She also has her first band concert this week and is looking forward to that.

This is the last week of marching band for Robert.  Saturday they have their final band competition of the year.  They have to be at school at 7:30 and if they qualify for finals it won't be until after 10PM that they get home.  Based on this past Saturday though, I'm not terribly optimistic about their chances for success.

The kids are starting to work on Christmas lists.  They are short and expensive this year, but that is their age!  Thomas has been doing a great job of actually purging things in his room.  In many ways Andrew and I are a little sad about it, as it means he's growing up and getting rid of the toys.  At the same time...thank goodness he is making room and being reasonable!

I am finding it so hard not to wish away the entire month of November.  It's a pretty month and there is actually quite a bit of downtime...but we are ready for the holidays!

Remembrance Sunday

Today is Remembrance Sunday at church...and that is why I didn't go.  It is a celebration of those who have passed on in the past year, and I couldn't stand the thought of sitting (and sobbing) through that.  One year ago today was the very last visit I ever had with my Dad.  It was truly such a fun afternoon full of so much laughter.  The kids enjoyed themselves, we got a lot done for my parents, and it was just such a great afternoon.  I am very grateful to have had that experience, but I am also realistic about my emotions, and I prefer not to cry like that in public.  I am very grateful to my husband for understanding.

Proud of my girl

I am very proud of the way Catherine handled the news yesterday.  She was very sad and disappointed in the morning, but she didn't let it ruin her day.  She wasn't grumpy and she didn't sit around and mope all day.  She found a great deal of comfort in cuddling Rosie, her favorite of the three cats, and she also found a great deal of comfort in going through her Halloween candy.  I know many who would be appalled I allowed her to be rather unfettered in that regard, but I am a firm believer in allowing oneself a treat.  We rarely have candy in this house, my children are very active, and Catherine definitely does not have a weight problem so a bunch of candy yesterday it was!  Anyway, she had a good day, and enjoyed the fact that her brothers were gone a great deal of the day and she got control of the remote!

It's not what it sounds like

Today I was explaining to Thomas that during children's music time at church they are going to begin rehearsals for the Christmas pageant.  He was less than pleased by this.  I didn't understand, as it isn't exactly like he enjoys the music time anyway.  I mentioned it again later, and he asked if boys had to do it also.  Andrew and I laughed...it's not a beauty pageant son, but we understand your confusion!

So disappointing

Catherine didn't make the basketball team.  I am so heartbroken for my daughter.  I was taking Robert to scouts in our former hometown, so Andrew picked her up.  The coaches had told her that each girl would receive an envelope with a letter telling them whether or not they made the team.  I was home when they got home, sitting at my computer desk, and I could tell by the way she came through the door, even though I couldn't see her face, that it wasn't the news we wanted.  Andrew followed and just shook his head.  I went to her and just gave her a big hug for a long time and told her how proud I was of her for trying out and doing the best she could.  Andrew joined us for a group hug, and it just broke my heart how her tears fell.  There is a chance that she might still be able to play rec basketball, but they aren't sure yet if they will have enough girls participate.  We are signing her up, and we'll see what happens.  I know how badly she wanted this, and I really wanted it for her.  I am really hoping that we can find something that is her niche!