I'm sorry for yesterday's little pity party. I realized that at the root of it was 18 years of anger. For the last 18 years, I've had a very sick parent...with the exception of the four months immediately following Dad's death while we were grieving him. I spent several hours yesterday crying, and I can't tell you the amount of guilt I feel about that. My life is immeasurably blessed, and the added expenses are more than covered in our savings account. I am grateful that there are still options, and that we are able to make another attempt.
At the same time, I need to remember that it's okay to acknowledge we've been through a lot. There have been some really, really tough days in the last year. If I have a bad day sometimes, I need to allow myself to have that bad day. The important thing is that those bad days don't keep us from functioning. We can't act on those bad days by lashing out, but it is okay to feel sad and angry.
My parents both have had amazing attitudes through their illnesses. NEVER did I ever see a parent cry over their circumstances (other than 1996 when it was initially feared my dad had lung cancer) and NEVER have I ever heard either parent wonder, "Why me?" My parents have been amazing in that regard, and I've tried to emulate that in my own coping. After all, if they are doing great, why shouldn't I be? But I'm not in their head, I'm not in their private thoughts, and I'm sure they've had bad deals of sadness and anger as well.
So, today is a new day. I'm going to stop beating myself up over the feelings of yesterday, and I'm going to move forward with whatever today brings. The important thing is...we CAN move forward!
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