My heart is hurting today

My heart is hurting today, and I'm not entirely sure why.  At the same time, it seems like there are so many reasons why.  I am tired, and I am overwhelmed, and I am sad.

As a mom, my heart always hurts if my kids are hurting and disappointed.  Thomas has finally been cleared to play in next week's football game, and he is so excited.  He told me several weeks ago he just wants one play in one game so he can know what it's like.  Andrew and I both got teary-eyed about that.  I'm glad he is excited and I'm excited for him, and at the same time I am scared to death.  I don't want him getting hurt.  Part of me still wants my chubby little two-year-old who smiled so much.  I notice teens don't smile as much, but he is still my sweet guy...except when he doesn't want to brush his hair or be nice to his sister.  I ache when I see that he is hurting because school is becoming more challenging to him.  He wants to do well...he just can't seem to figure out how.

There is lots of "not nice" happening from the teens and it makes me sad.  I know they don't treat people at school or outside the house like they treat their siblings (and sometimes parents), but that doesn't always make me feel better.  I think about Catherine and how her immaturity is really driving me crazy.  At the same time, I wish she was still small enough that I could hold her on my lap and just love on her.  She decided not to do Mock Trial this year, and while part of me is realized, part of me is sad that she still struggles to find her passion.  She has been a tremendous help with Abby this school year and I don't know what I would do without her.  Although she is nearly 16, she still struggles at times with having a foot both in the older world and the younger world.

Robert is, and almost always has been, the most challenging.  He seems bent on doing everything his way, and given his impulsiveness and poor choices, his way is almost always the hard way.  I am trying to let him become the adult that he thinks he is, but he still doesn't have the tools to make the best choices.  He needs to learn though, and I need to let go at times.  Cross country isn't going very well for him, and we don't really seem to know why.  I feel frustrated for him, because I really thought something special could happen for him this year.  Sometimes I feel angry that it seems my kids never get to feel special at anything.  I can only hope that each of them know they are special because they are who they are.

Our house is tired, and there are lots of emotions.  I often feel guilty that instead of helping, my own emotions can make things worse.  I feel guilty for taking time to take a nap instead of doing a chore that should be accomplished, and yet I know if I don't take care of myself I'm not helping anyone.  I feel guilty for waiting until Catherine is home to go run an errand because then I'm not home with her, but if I leave earlier I feel guilty because Abby has to be in her crate.  I feel guilty for not working full time or having a more steady job, but at the same time I feel guilty that things aren't getting done around the house.

I know these feeling are perfectly normal in any mom's heart, and I know they are normal in a mom's heart with three teens.  I know we will most likely be okay.  I just have to have Faith, and follow send up some prayers that I do the best I can do each day!