Trying to change my attitude

I'm not going to lie...I've been struggling with holidays this year.  I have known all along it is going to be different, and I am a firm believer that things shouldn't continue to be done just because that is the way it has always been done.  But this year, I'm just really struggling.  I'm finding it tough to shop, specifically for my in-laws because I know they don't want just "things."  At this point in their life what they need are physical help, and we just can't be there to do that.  I'm not sure how to make it happen from here, but I am extremely cognizant of what I am purchasing for them.  Catherine and Thomas never made lists, although with Thomas it is kind of easy, and I'm sure we will come up with things for Catherine.  Robert needs a computer and most of the family is contributing to that, which is easy.  I just feel behind overall.

I was annoyed with taking down the fall decorations this year.  We had warm weather for so long, and then it felt like it went straight to cold.  I felt like we missed having real fall-like weather, and I'm annoyed by that.

I was annoyed by the schedule of the past weekend, I'll be honest.  Even beyond that, I was annoyed with my Christmas decorations.  Suddenly, I didn't like them.  I went shopping yesterday to try to find some more, and I just can't find anything I like.

I'm not enjoying my Christmas cards this year, which is usually one of my favorite things about Christmas.  It's not that it feels like work, but because I decided to go with a different plan this year, I'm not enjoying it as much.

I feel like a grinch and a scrooge and I don't like myself.  I think about the family whose young son received a bone marrow transplant yesterday from his little brother, and everything they have all been through.  I feel so guilty for being whiny about my little problems...and they aren't even really problems.  I'm just in a bad mood, and I need to get over myself.

Last evening was a step in that direction.  After delivering wreaths (the never-ending band fundraiser) I decided to go shopping.  I didn't buy anything I had set out to buy, but I did find some other things.  I enjoyed some time to myself, and I enjoyed the Christmas music in the stores.  It was snowing, and although it was cold and the roads were wet, I couldn't help but smile at the young girl who ran out of the store and gasped and was so excited about the snow falling.  And the snow made the holiday lights look even more lovely.

I'm still struggling with some things, but I'm also remembering life's beautiful blessings.