I've changed

I've felt a change coming on inside me for some time now, and it's grown stronger lately.  Things have happened that have changed my perspective in life, not to mention that we are simply in a season of life change.  I am no longer the mother of little children.  Two of my children are legal adults, and the other is a teen.  It changes things.

As my grandmother passed this week, I couldn't help but think about her life.  My grandfather made certain she was well provided for and she never had to worry about anything in terms of finances.  But my grandfather died when he was 64 years old, and G.G. spent 33 years (and one day exactly) being a widow.  I'm sure that's not how she pictured her later years when she was younger.  My other grandmother is 89-years-old.  She was 65 when my grandfather was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, and it was only another year or two later when her entire life came to be about only caring for him.  She was 73 when she became a widow.  I'm sure that isn't how she planned to spend those years when she was younger.

My mother became a widow at age 60, after my dad having been ill for 17 years.  Dad still did so much in those years, but the last year he was pretty much confined to the house.  Any amount of travel out of the house took a major toll on him.  After losing Dad, she herself battled cancer, and then she became a caregiver of sorts to both my aunt and my grandmother before they passed.  While I know without a doubt that my mother would tell you it was an honor to be able to be helpful, I am certain that none of any of that was how she pictured spending these years.

I think about my mother-in-law.  She is being such a tender caretaker for my father-in-law, who once never needed any such thing.  And they took care of my brother-in-law for several years before he passed away.  They never left to travel anywhere, even to visit us once he needed them, and now they physically can't.  They did have about ten or fifteen years before all of that where they traveled and had so many wonderful adventures.  I'm so grateful that they did, but I am sure this was not what they had hoped for the last ten years.

Thinking about all of this has changed me, as my children are now nearly grown.  I will always be their mother, and I will always worry about them.  Their choices are their choices though, and I will live with them just as they will.  They are at ages now where, for the most part, I just have to know that I've done the best I can.  Their lives are their lives.

So what does all of this mean for me?  It means I should live life.  Take a trip?  Let's go.  Spend an evening with friends?  Tell me when and where.  Hang out with the kids?  Can't wait.  Quiet time at home?  Sounds great.  I should live my life and love what I am doing.  Will I work?  Absolutely.  I will work, but right now we are blessed such that I don't have to live only for work...I can work to enjoy life even more.  I will pour myself into work while I am working, then I will pour myself into my family while I can, and I will pour myself into my friendships when I am able.  It isn't draining, it's filling.  It's filling my life with love and laughter.  It's creating memories to last a lifetime.  It's being present in each and every moment.

I know that I will always be a worrier, but I'm learning to just enjoy each moment of life.  Each moment is a blessing and will never be recreated.  Not all of them are awesome, but regardless of how fabulous a moment is or isn't, the next one will be here before we know it.  I am so grateful for so many moments that have been, and am grateful for all the moments I have left.  My heart is full.