Grief

I was driving to my cousin's house today, and I was suddenly overcome by grief.  I just kept crying, and couldn't seem to get a grip on my emotions.  One of the things I learned when my dad died is that you just never know when grief is going to come at you.  Today was one of those days.  I was needing to have a somewhat emotional conversation with my cousin, and it was a conversation that needed to be had ONLY because A) our grandmother is gone, B) her mother is gone, and C) my uncle seemingly has no concern or respect for anyone else in the family but himself.  That is the harsh reality.

I also recognize the fact that these tears are probably a year overdue.  I didn't cry last year when I got word that my grandmother had died.  You see, the night before we had learned some really awful information about Robert.  I immediately went into "mom" mode.  I was heartbroken about the actions of my son, but could do nothing about them.  I could, however, protect the hearts of my other two children and that was exactly my intent.  The news about Robert came not only 24 hours before the passing of my grandmother, but 24 hours after Thomas's girlfriend had broken his heart.  Additionally, Andrew and I had just gotten over being the sickest we had been in years, and along with Catherine also catching it that weekend, she had been involved in a car accident while Andrew and I were sick.  We were sad and stressed, and my feeling as mom was to be strong for my kids who were hurting.

Of course not long after we buried my grandmother, the pandemic reared its ugly head in our state, and things began to shut down.  I will always be grateful that we were able to have "normal" services for my grandmother, and I am now so very grateful that in the week between burying Grandma and the pandemic explosion, that Andrew's cousin was able to visit us.  At the same time, I wanted to protect the heart of my kids who were missing out on so much, and especially Catherine as she lost Prom, Graduation, and so many fun senior events.

I know it's okay that I was so sad and emotional today.  And as I told my cousin, I know things are going to be okay.  She mentioned how some of her favorite memories are of us all being at our grandparents' house, and I'm so grateful I'm not the only one who feels that way.  I hate crying, but sometimes it helps us to feel better afterwards!