A lot of this has to do with Catherine. Her communications are infrequent, her visits are rare, and her choices are highly questionable. She doesn't want our guidance and I totally get that. She goes so far down the horrible rabbit hole, that by the time we find out, things are really, really hard, It's frustrating for us all. I'm struggling watching her high school classmates earn their college degrees, and although I'm so proud that she has some certifications and licenses, she can't seem to hold down a job. It's a bit terrifying. I miss having her around. And of course, I acknowledge that the fact that I haven't seen or spoken to my oldest son (although Andrew has) in over five years adds to my emotions and fears about Catherine's actions.
Thomas is doing well, although he has struggles at his job as well. He's a 20-year-old in a man's world. He's doing fine and I'm so proud of him, and I'm grateful that his bosses are being patient with him. He's planning to move closer to work to help eliminate his 65 minute commute. I can't blame him as he has to be at work at 5AM. It's hard to realize he'll be out on his own, but I'm so happy for him at the same time. I don't love that he is planning for his girlfriend to move in with him, but I know I don't get to make that choice. As I tell all my kids, life is so hard, and I just don't want them to make choices that make it even harder.
And then there is my extended family. I miss what we had so, so much. But my aunt & uncle, and some cousins, aren't the same people I thought they were back then. And I'm struggling with other things in that regard as well. I've received an invitation to an extended family member's baby shower. I have to be honest, I detest showers. Wedding showers, baby showers, all of them. I'd be happy if we could just have a gathering and open gifts, but I don't enjoy the stupid little games that have to be played. I appreciate the invitation and being included, and you'd think after writing about how much I miss family gatherings that I'd be thrilled. I have to acknowledge though, that if the situation were reversed, they wouldn't be coming to our house. They weren't around when any of my kids graduated, there has been no contact with my grandmother (their great-grandmother) since the pandemic, and I'm just not sure how to feel about that. Additionally, I wanted to spend the day with Andrew driving around visiting the cemeteries like we used to do when I was younger. It seems ridiculous that I would give up spending a day with living relatives to hang out at graves, but right now that is what seems peaceful. And a peaceful feeling is definitely something that is missing from my life right now.
Next weekend we'll be attending the graduation for the "baby" of our friends. And in fact, she was a baby when we started hanging out, and Jen was still pregnant with M when my kids started having Jen as a teacher. It's so hard to believe this day is coming. I'm so, so grateful that we get to be there. We were there for her brothers special day, and although we couldn't attend her sister due to restrictions, we were honored to join in at the dinner following.
All of these emotional things are the reason I've stayed away. While I'm grateful summer is arriving, we aren't taking a family vacation this year and I know that adds to my emotions as well...in years past that was always our opportunity to reconnect no matter what was happening, but not this year. Additionally, my mother-in-law turned down our offer for her to visit here in a couple of weeks, which tells me this isn't a very fun place to be.
Andrew and I are headed up to my hometown to visit my grandmother in a bit. He really wants to see her, but there is no guarantee she is going to be awake. My sister was there twice yesterday and she was asleep both times. Although it is warm (why does there not seem to be much spring anymore??) I'm looking forward to a lovely drive.
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