So many emotions

This is going to be a long post.  Please feel free not to read it.  It is my feelings and my thoughts, for my memories.

Today is full of so many emotions for so many different reasons.  The first being that Andrew and Thomas are traveling to my in-laws, and that always cranks up my anxiety.  However, my father-in-law has declined rapidly since Christmas.  We've already explained to Thomas that Pappy may not know who he is, especially at first.  Because of the virus, Thomas and Andrew quarantined themselves this entire week, even more than normal.  No trips to the store or anything that might involve being around people.  I feel strongly that it is important they make this trip.  They have taken our sweet pup with them because my father-in-law loves dogs.  Andrew and Thomas will not be going out at all while they are there.  We are doing our best to minimize any risk to my in-laws.

Catherine has finished her high school days.  I am so proud of her I can't even explain it.  More than anything, I am proud of the way she has handled these last two months.  It sucks for her completely, but her attitude has always been phenomenal.  I am so grateful for all of this extra time together, and I think in many ways she is as well.  I can't wait to really be able to celebrate her, and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.

We just finished up eight solid weeks of the "virus life".   Things are beginning to reopen, and it's terrifying.  I have agreed 100% with the closings and restrictions that have been in place.  I also agree 100% that it is time to get things open again.  Our family has been so incredibly lucky.  Although I have lost my income, Andrew is the primary earner and we'll be fine.  And yet, he doesn't have to leave the house right now to earn his paycheck.  Although it's been challenging, he's been able to work from here.  We can all completely stay home if we want, or run to the store if we want.  We are safe, and we don't have to worry about paying our bills.  We have each other, and we've had so much fun together.  But not everyone has these same circumstances.  Many are worrying about jobs, and bills, and health, and so many other things.  Even I am feeling "virus stress", and our circumstances are about as ideal as they can be.  There is, without a doubt, a mental and physical toll that is being exacted even in those who are not physically affected by the virus itself.  I get it.  That doesn't mean reopening is going to make me feel better about anything though.  It's a fine line, and it brings me a different kind of stress.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I am so incredibly blessed to be the mother of my kids.  My heart could not be more full.  I can't help but think about my mother, who lost her own mother less than three months ago.  I'm sure this holiday is more bitter sweet for her.  We will see Mom on Monday to share some lunch (carry out).  Although Andrew and Thomas won't be here, I know that I will talk to them tomorrow and Andrew made sure I had a card from them.  I insisted on waiting until they get back though.  It's fine.  I don't need a big deal made about me at all.  I can't help but think about my oldest though.  Andrew and I have officially begun using the word "estranged".  It isn't a pleasant situation, but I also know that the choices he has made and is making are completely his own.  We love him, and each member of my family has reached out to him at times over the last few months.  We understand, as best we can, where things stand with him, and we accept it.

My mother also mentioned that she is selling my dad's Corvair.  On my dad's last birthday, his boss/best-friend (who passed six weeks before Dad) surprised him with a Corvair convertible.  My dad had one as his first car and always loved it.  Unfortunately, Dad was too sick that summer to enjoy it.  I'm not sure there was ever more than one ride in it.  Thomas had wanted to own that car someday, but I completely understand Mom not wanting to pay the storage, insurance, and registration on it each year.  I began to cry when Mom told me, and Andrew offered to buy it.  I appreciated it, but as I explained I don't really want to pay the storage, insurance, and registration on it each year either.  We have two children who are leaving for and nearing college, and I would much prefer, without any doubts or regrets, that any extra money we have go to that cause.  I was so grateful that Thomas didn't get too emotional when I told him.  I don't think I could've handled that.

I am grateful that I have a few hours completely to myself before Catherine gets home from work.  There certainly hasn't been much quiet time the last couple of months, and I'm okay with that.  At the same time, I enjoy these few hours right now.  I know this post is long and some might even think ridiculous, but that's okay.  There is a lot going on in my heart right now, but I also know that we are pretty much fine.  I just wanted to record all of these thoughts to become part of my memories.  Our lives are a blessing!