Processing emotions

I'm sorry for yesterday's little pity party.  I realized that at the root of it was 18 years of anger.  For the last 18 years, I've had a very sick parent...with the exception of the four months immediately following Dad's death while we were grieving him.  I spent several hours yesterday crying, and I can't tell you the amount of guilt I feel about that.  My life is immeasurably blessed, and the added expenses are more than covered in our savings account.  I am grateful that there are still options, and that we are able to make another attempt.

At the same time, I need to remember that it's okay to acknowledge we've been through a lot.  There have been some really, really tough days in the last year.  If I have a bad day sometimes, I need to allow myself to have that bad day.  The important thing is that those bad days don't keep us from functioning.  We can't act on those bad days by lashing out, but it is okay to feel sad and angry.

My parents both have had amazing attitudes through their illnesses.  NEVER did I ever see a parent cry over their circumstances (other than 1996 when it was initially feared my dad had lung cancer) and NEVER have I ever heard either parent wonder, "Why me?"  My parents have been amazing in that regard, and I've tried to emulate that in my own coping.  After all, if they are doing great, why shouldn't I be?  But I'm not in their head, I'm not in their private thoughts, and I'm sure they've had bad deals of sadness and anger as well.

So, today is a new day.  I'm going to stop beating myself up over the feelings of yesterday, and I'm going to move forward with whatever today brings.  The important thing is...we CAN move forward!

Feeling selfish

We just got some more information on attempts to dilate my mom's esophagus...and I am feeling unbelievably selfish.  We had originally been told Indianapolis was the place to be, but the GI doc said he wanted to check Columbus and Cincinnati as well, and he hadn't even ruled out a local option.  Mom called today and the best place to be...Ann Arbor, Michigan.  This location is 4-1/2 hours away from my kids and three hours from my Mom's home.  She is ready to move forward full steam ahead, and I feel a little bit like I rained on her parade.  I will of course do whatever we need to do, but I recognize we are now looking at travel and overnights away.  We don't have friends here like we did in our former community, and it's going to be tough with the kids.  Not to mention the added expense of hiring someone to help with Thomas before school, the added expense of a motel stay, the added expense of the gas and wear on my vehicle, and the added expense of the meals while gone.  I think the reason this is upsetting me so is my sister.  She lives less than two miles away from my mom, yet through everything she has been to ONE doctor appointment and transported Mom to her radiation or chemo treatments twice...and the chemo treatment she just dropped her off and went back.  I know that my sister has a full time job and I'm not working, but her full time job is working for herself as an attorney.  I understand not working means no income, but at the same time there are so many things she could do from anywhere.  I can't transport my kids or see their activities from 4-1/2 hours away.  I feel so guilty for my selfishness.  I know that I should be grateful that there are still options, but right now the logistics and expenses seem overwhelming.  The good news is that nothing has to be handled today.  I can allow myself today to selfishly have a good cry about it, and as soon as we get information from Michigan, I can get to handling things.

Around our house

Life around our house is chugging along, BUT there is no school tomorrow!  The schools are polling places for the election, so the school prefer not to have students in them.  Andrew still has to work, but the rest of us are home...and get to sleep in!

We received good news today regarding Catherine and basketball.  There aren't enough girls registered for a 7/8 league, but they are going to allow the 7th grade girls to play on the 5/6 league.  I think this will be a great experience for Catherine.  She still gets to play, and as one of the older (although still, sadly, shorter girls) she might get to experience more leadership.  My mom was concerned that Catherine may not want to play with the younger girls, but as I suspected, she was a-ok with it.  She also has her first band concert this week and is looking forward to that.

This is the last week of marching band for Robert.  Saturday they have their final band competition of the year.  They have to be at school at 7:30 and if they qualify for finals it won't be until after 10PM that they get home.  Based on this past Saturday though, I'm not terribly optimistic about their chances for success.

The kids are starting to work on Christmas lists.  They are short and expensive this year, but that is their age!  Thomas has been doing a great job of actually purging things in his room.  In many ways Andrew and I are a little sad about it, as it means he's growing up and getting rid of the toys.  At the same time...thank goodness he is making room and being reasonable!

I am finding it so hard not to wish away the entire month of November.  It's a pretty month and there is actually quite a bit of downtime...but we are ready for the holidays!

Remembrance Sunday

Today is Remembrance Sunday at church...and that is why I didn't go.  It is a celebration of those who have passed on in the past year, and I couldn't stand the thought of sitting (and sobbing) through that.  One year ago today was the very last visit I ever had with my Dad.  It was truly such a fun afternoon full of so much laughter.  The kids enjoyed themselves, we got a lot done for my parents, and it was just such a great afternoon.  I am very grateful to have had that experience, but I am also realistic about my emotions, and I prefer not to cry like that in public.  I am very grateful to my husband for understanding.

Proud of my girl

I am very proud of the way Catherine handled the news yesterday.  She was very sad and disappointed in the morning, but she didn't let it ruin her day.  She wasn't grumpy and she didn't sit around and mope all day.  She found a great deal of comfort in cuddling Rosie, her favorite of the three cats, and she also found a great deal of comfort in going through her Halloween candy.  I know many who would be appalled I allowed her to be rather unfettered in that regard, but I am a firm believer in allowing oneself a treat.  We rarely have candy in this house, my children are very active, and Catherine definitely does not have a weight problem so a bunch of candy yesterday it was!  Anyway, she had a good day, and enjoyed the fact that her brothers were gone a great deal of the day and she got control of the remote!

It's not what it sounds like

Today I was explaining to Thomas that during children's music time at church they are going to begin rehearsals for the Christmas pageant.  He was less than pleased by this.  I didn't understand, as it isn't exactly like he enjoys the music time anyway.  I mentioned it again later, and he asked if boys had to do it also.  Andrew and I laughed...it's not a beauty pageant son, but we understand your confusion!

So disappointing

Catherine didn't make the basketball team.  I am so heartbroken for my daughter.  I was taking Robert to scouts in our former hometown, so Andrew picked her up.  The coaches had told her that each girl would receive an envelope with a letter telling them whether or not they made the team.  I was home when they got home, sitting at my computer desk, and I could tell by the way she came through the door, even though I couldn't see her face, that it wasn't the news we wanted.  Andrew followed and just shook his head.  I went to her and just gave her a big hug for a long time and told her how proud I was of her for trying out and doing the best she could.  Andrew joined us for a group hug, and it just broke my heart how her tears fell.  There is a chance that she might still be able to play rec basketball, but they aren't sure yet if they will have enough girls participate.  We are signing her up, and we'll see what happens.  I know how badly she wanted this, and I really wanted it for her.  I am really hoping that we can find something that is her niche!