A bright Sunny Saturday to bury G.G.

Today was the service for G.G.  We decided to do the visitation and funeral all in the same day.  So many dear friends and family came for one or both.  Two of G.G.'s first cousins were there along with her sister.  All of our immediate family of course, and so many others who loved her and who love us.  Andrew and Thomas helped with the casket, and it was an incredibly bright and sunny day.  If I remember correctly, the day we buried my grandfather was very similar.  I spoke, along with my mother and my uncle.  I loved, absolutely loved, getting to spend the day with my cousins and their kids.  I'm so grateful for how close-knit our family is.  That is a gift from my grandmother.  She absolutely adored her family, and she would've loved today.

I don't think it has really hit me that I'm never going to see her again.  I don't think it is real to me yet in that regard.  I do know it was too soon after losing Aunt Cathy, but I also know that losing Aunt Cathy probably accelerated things with G.G.  Today was truly a blessing.

Blessings in the sadness

"This too shall pass.  It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass."

I saw this quote recently, but don't know the origin of it.  It sums up our week perfectly.  This has been the toughest week of my life.  My children, all of them, have made very poor decisions this week.  Catherine and Thomas have suffered some consequences at school, some at home, and some are just natural.  Andrew and I work so hard to guide them through life, but we realize that their lives are their own.  It's just really hard some days.

I've had several people ask why we've all come to school all week.  A death in the family is definitely a legitimate reason to stay home.  Honestly though, I am so grateful that I've had a job each day.  I'd rather be sitting here working and distracted, then home dwelling on things I can't control.

There are blessings in all of this.  To say that our family has been wrapped in love and support from school is an understatement.  We've had a co-worker offer to have our kids live at her house if we needed to leave town.  I've received more hugs than I can count, words of support, smiles, concerned expressions, and encouragement.  So have my kids, and so has Andrew.  It's been a hard week.  A really, really hard week.  Andrew even said to me last night that he didn't think he could take any more.  My easy-going, mild-mannered husband who never lets anything bother him had reached the end of his rope.  Each time I think I might get there myself, another hug, another word of encouragement, another friendly smile, another "thinking of you" comes along.  I am so, so grateful to be surrounded by so much love and support!

I've changed

I've felt a change coming on inside me for some time now, and it's grown stronger lately.  Things have happened that have changed my perspective in life, not to mention that we are simply in a season of life change.  I am no longer the mother of little children.  Two of my children are legal adults, and the other is a teen.  It changes things.

As my grandmother passed this week, I couldn't help but think about her life.  My grandfather made certain she was well provided for and she never had to worry about anything in terms of finances.  But my grandfather died when he was 64 years old, and G.G. spent 33 years (and one day exactly) being a widow.  I'm sure that's not how she pictured her later years when she was younger.  My other grandmother is 89-years-old.  She was 65 when my grandfather was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, and it was only another year or two later when her entire life came to be about only caring for him.  She was 73 when she became a widow.  I'm sure that isn't how she planned to spend those years when she was younger.

My mother became a widow at age 60, after my dad having been ill for 17 years.  Dad still did so much in those years, but the last year he was pretty much confined to the house.  Any amount of travel out of the house took a major toll on him.  After losing Dad, she herself battled cancer, and then she became a caregiver of sorts to both my aunt and my grandmother before they passed.  While I know without a doubt that my mother would tell you it was an honor to be able to be helpful, I am certain that none of any of that was how she pictured spending these years.

I think about my mother-in-law.  She is being such a tender caretaker for my father-in-law, who once never needed any such thing.  And they took care of my brother-in-law for several years before he passed away.  They never left to travel anywhere, even to visit us once he needed them, and now they physically can't.  They did have about ten or fifteen years before all of that where they traveled and had so many wonderful adventures.  I'm so grateful that they did, but I am sure this was not what they had hoped for the last ten years.

Thinking about all of this has changed me, as my children are now nearly grown.  I will always be their mother, and I will always worry about them.  Their choices are their choices though, and I will live with them just as they will.  They are at ages now where, for the most part, I just have to know that I've done the best I can.  Their lives are their lives.

So what does all of this mean for me?  It means I should live life.  Take a trip?  Let's go.  Spend an evening with friends?  Tell me when and where.  Hang out with the kids?  Can't wait.  Quiet time at home?  Sounds great.  I should live my life and love what I am doing.  Will I work?  Absolutely.  I will work, but right now we are blessed such that I don't have to live only for work...I can work to enjoy life even more.  I will pour myself into work while I am working, then I will pour myself into my family while I can, and I will pour myself into my friendships when I am able.  It isn't draining, it's filling.  It's filling my life with love and laughter.  It's creating memories to last a lifetime.  It's being present in each and every moment.

I know that I will always be a worrier, but I'm learning to just enjoy each moment of life.  Each moment is a blessing and will never be recreated.  Not all of them are awesome, but regardless of how fabulous a moment is or isn't, the next one will be here before we know it.  I am so grateful for so many moments that have been, and am grateful for all the moments I have left.  My heart is full.

The end of February

I'll be honest, March really can't come along quickly enough.  This end of the month has been tough.  I was able to spend Tuesday afternoon/evening with my mom, aunt, uncle, cousin and his wife.  We made the arrangements for G.G., and had dinner together.  As is always the case with my family, we laughed a lot, and I'll always be grateful that our family is that way.  I love being so close with everyone, and I'm so grateful.

Yesterday was testing, so the kids and I had no school.  It was so nice to sleep in.  I am still suffering from the lingering effects of last week's illness, and extra sleep was much appreciated.  In addition to all of the emotions of losing G.G., yesterday was also the one year mark of a friend who lost his step-father in a tragic accident, and today is the ten year anniversary of dear friends who lost their six-month-old.  So much sadness has happened this time of year.

To be completely honest, our family could use some prayers.  Catherine and Thomas are fine, but we are all struggling to deal with the decisions of another family member.  I'm sorry I can't go into more, but please pray for my children especially, that they have peace in their hearts.

Rest in Peace, G.G.

G.G. passed away last night.  I'm so very grateful that she didn't linger any longer than she did.  Her passing was peaceful, and she was ready.  All of these things provide solace and comfort.

I am here at school today, but am leaving early to go and spend the afternoon with family.  That is the one thing G.G. is leaving behind...more than anything else...is a close and devoted family.  We love to spend time together, and I love how many family pictures we will have to display at her service.  She loved and adored her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.  She will be very missed.

G.G. is still with us

G.G. is still hanging on, although both Mom and I agree it will most likely be this week.  She really wanted to pass yesterday.  Sounds odd, doesn't it?  Yesterday was the 33rd anniversary of the passing of my grandfather, her husband.  She had told my cousin on Friday that she wanted to pass on Sunday (yesterday).  She is still here though, although unresponsive.  She is being monitored by Hospice care, and many relatives are popping in and out daily.

Honestly, our family is struggling with some things, and we could use some prayers.  My kids, and especially Thomas, are hurting.  While I know they are going to be okay, he is not processing his emotions very well, and my heart hurts for my kids.  Last evening, I laid in bed and spoke to God.  Honestly, I couldn't even pray.  I am beyond knowing what to pray for.  I just trust that God knows what is in my heart, and prayed that my heart be open to His Guidance.  If anyone has any spare prayers, especially on behalf of my kiddos, we would appreciate them!

This has been a tough, tough week

It's been a while since we've had a week this tough.  Andrew and I are feeling better, although low on energy.  I've prioritized, and I am worrying only about things that absolutely have to happen this week.  I got payroll submitted for church, and that may be all that happens there.

Last evening, my mother let us know that Hospice feels that the end is very near for G.G.  I am praying it is a peaceful passing, and that she is as comfortable as possible.  I need to get to work organizing family photos for the services, but hopefully I've got a couple of days.

When I picked Thomas us from set construction today, he was in tears because his girlfriend had broken up with him.  Apparently some students are spreading rumors about him, and his girlfriend believed the rumors.  He was so upset.  He has been so inconsolable.  It breaks my heart to see him hurt this way.  He knows that it will pass, and I'm so grateful he is willing to talk to us and share his emotions.  With my emotions already on edge, I shed a few tears along with my son.

Andrew and I made an appearance at a baseball coaching dinner this evening.  Catherine texted on our way home telling us she was pretty sure she has what we had.  Sure enough, when we got home, we took her temp and she is running a fever of 101.3 degrees.  I hated that we hadn't been home for her.  I hated that we had to leave when Thomas was so upset.  I hated that I wasn't home working on photos for the services, and I hated that I haven't been able to be more help to my family in dealing with things with G.G.

This is a tough week.