As I mentioned in my last post, my sister and I don't always get along. According to her (and yes, she's told me this) I was an overbearing and nosy older sister. My sister has some serious privacy issues, and that is one reason I find it odd that she moved back to our hometown after law school. I remember when she was choosing her undergraduate school, she informed both my parents and I that she would let us know when she had made her decision and we were not to ask until she decided to tell us. I'll be honest, it's been 18 years, but it still bugs me a little bit that my parents didn't take that opportunity to point out that they were helping to pay for college and that her attitude was rude and unnecessary. When she bought the house she currently lives in, I didn't find out until my dad mentioned that a glider would look really good on her front porch, and I pointed out that she didn't have a front porch. My father replied, "Oh, I guess you don't know she bought a new house." Nope, hadn't heard. I had heard plenty though, when my parents made the mistake of inviting me to join them as they went along with her to open houses. She was not at all pleased to see me and made it clear, along with mentioning I was not to express any opinions.
This all pales in comparison though, to my wedding day. I am so grateful I had the foresight NOT to make her my maid of honor, but felt obligated to have her in the wedding. She took every opportunity to let me know that my wedding was a huge inconvenience to her, even though a) my parents paid for her gown, and b) I actually wanted to be married in May, but because of her grad school finals I didn't...leaving my only options because of other family issues to be early February or wait another year. She did not attend any showers, and because she was four hours away I understood. She also did absolutely nothing to help in any way with anything else related to the wedding. The morning of the wedding my maid of honor and I were at my parents' house and I mentioned that we would be going to the church at about 1:30, and my sister was aghast. Okay, actually furious is more the word. She could not believe that we needed to be there that early, and then yelled at me because she didn't even know what time the wedding was taking place. I calmly informed her that I had put it in writing by sending an invitation and I really didn't know what more she expected from me. She then informed me that she would be getting ready at home and she would get there when she got there. I asked her to please try to be there by 2:30 so that we could have our family pictures taken ahead of time. Mom assured me that ought to be workable, but my sister refused to make any assurances. Keep in mind this is all occurring before 1:00 and my parents lived four blocks from the church, so it ought to be plenty of time. When we arrived at the reception, she made her displeasure well known that I was requiring her to sit at the head table. She informed me that these were not her friends and she wanted to be down with the rest of the family. To this day, my maid of honor tells me how amazed she was that on one of the most important days of my life, my sister couldn't stop to think of anyone but herself, and she tells me that she was even more amazed that I never got angry or raised my voice or showed any signs of being upset. I vividly remember feeling that there was no way that I was going to allow my sister to upset me on my wedding day. Was she jealous that I was the center of attention? It could certainly be possible, but I think most people expect the bride to be the center of attention on her wedding day. I hope most people would think that I was by no means bridezilla when it came to my wedding...I think for the most part I was pretty laid back considering everything.
Why have I gone on and on about this? I'm really feeling like I'm in a tight spot. My sister continues to be absolutely rude and disrespectful to me. On many occasions my phone conversations with her have ended with me being in tears, and on more than one occasion when we've been at my parents' house I've become so upset by things that I've just left. My parents always tell me that they are sorry that it happens and that she can be so difficult, but no one ever tells her it isn't okay not to treat me that way. My husband would love to, but he knows that isn't such a good idea as an in-law. The part that bothers me the most is that she treats me this way in front of my children. She has had no qualms to tell me, in front of the kids, how much she doesn't like the way I'm handling a discipline situation. It's not like I'm pounding on them. However, if one of the kids chooses to wear nice clothes to the baseball field then they should expect that I'm not going to let them play on the playground. If something happens that I am correcting and they start to talk back to me, she gets angry when I tell them it's not okay to talk to me that way...after all, she feels that every child should be allowed to express him/herself if he/she has something to say, regardless of whether or not it's appropriate. If she has the kids and I ask for a timetable when they might be back, I get a shrug and, "When we're done." One time she had JR and was driving from Columbus up to my dad's place at the lake. We were trying to make our dinner plans, and she refused to answer any calls or texts. So, we had no idea when they would be returning or whether we needed to wait dinner or JR would have already eaten. As I've said before, I'm very, very grateful that she gives the kids the opportunities she gives them, but I worry about the message they get from her about us, specifically me. I'm pretty sure that she feels that she HAS to do these things because my husband and I can't afford to do many of them, and we are denying our children. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm lazy because I'm a stay at home mom, and if I would just go get a job we'd be able to afford these things. The thing is, we don't want to be able to afford them. Both my husband and I WANT me to be home with the kids, and I think the kids prefer it this way too. This weekend I'd reached the point where I had decided that she could no longer take them if she was going to continue to speak to me that way. It was excruciating. The only people that were going to suffer by my decision were my children, and that isn't fair to them. My parents would also inevitably suffer as I think my sister would choose to cut myself, my husband, and my family out of her life if we made such a decision. After all, she already thinks we're pretty lousy parents. I'm not making it up, I've actually heard her tell the kids that if only I did this or that, things would be so much better. I don't want to make life awful for my parents, or have my kids suffer because of something over which they have no control. At the same time, I don't think my kids should have to be witness to the level of disrespect that she shows me. I really don't want this to be about me...she's good to the kids. I keep my mouth shut for them and the sake of my entire family. However, I don't want them to think that it is ever okay to treat anyone the way that she treats me, and frankly, I don't want them to let anyone treat them the way that she treats me, and that's what they see me doing. I'm feeling so conflicted and I've been praying for guidance, as I do with almost every decision I make involving the kids.
I know that I've really aired some dirty family laundry here, but this is my release. I just needed to get it off my chest. And if anyone has any suggestions, I'd be happy to listen. I know that I've only put my side of the story out there, but sadly, I think there are many others in my family who would concur with it all!
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