Coping

Catherine took the news about Grace surprisingly well, and in fact is dealing with it better than I am.  Thomas was very upset when we told him, and both have told us that they want to go to the funeral visitation Monday evening.  This is all uncharted territory for me, and Andrew and I agreed that we would follow the kids' leads on how they want to handle their grief and mourning.

I, on the other hand, was an absolute mess last evening.  I was holding up until I read her obituary.  I am NOT supposed to be reading an obituary for a little ten-year-old whom I've known for so many years.  I had just seen her last week, and so many times over the last year I'd had to opportunity to sub as her teacher and work with her.  I just couldn't make the tears stop last night.  Before I went to bed (and it wasn't late because I was absolutely drained) I stood over Catherine's bed and watched her sleep.  I kept kissing her and my tears were falling on her...she was so peaceful.  I know that in addition to all of the other reasons that I'm having trouble dealing with Grace's death, the fact that she is the same age as my precious daughter is making it so much harder...it's so close to home.

We are all coping better today, and I know that life goes on.  I also have the privilege of knowing that Grace would want exactly that.  She would not want us all to be sad and make a big deal...although it's impossible not to do those things.  But today thinking about her smile no longer makes me sob like it did yesterday.  Today it makes me smile, and I know that although it's a little darker in our world, her smile is lighting up Heaven and shining over all of us.

So sad

I've just learned that a class mate of my daughter passed away last evening.  This girl has an absolutely horrible degenerative disease, and while we all knew this day would eventually arrive, it doesn't make it any easier right now.  Grace was such a sweet little girl and always had a smile on her face.  She knew exactly what she wanted and wouldn't settle for less.  As an adult who knew her, my heart is breaking for the loss of her, and of course I can't even fathom what her family is feeling right now.  And to lose her on Thanksgiving of all days...there just aren't words.

I have no idea how I'm going to tell Catherine this news.  She is out with the rest of our family right now running some errands.  I have to find a way to stop my tears before I can share this information with her.  Catherine and Grace were not close, but they had known each other since preschool.  Please say some prayers for Grace's family.

Anticipation

I slept somewhat fitfully last night, although that can somewhat be used to describe my sleep for the last 30 years.  I'm not sure if it was anticipation of the upcoming holidays, or anxiety due to the fact that so many things need to be done!

We are hosting Thanksgiving this year.  My in-laws are arriving tomorrow and we'll have the traditional feast on Thursday.  As much work as it is to host, I'm still very grateful that we aren't going away this year.  So VERY grateful to my in-laws who are willing to drive here.  On Friday my parents, grandmother and sister will also come down and we'll have a second, less traditional feast.  My parents are spending Thanksgiving day at my other grandmother's and I'll take the kids up to see her earlier that day.  I've spent the day doing some fall housecleaning that should've been done months ago, but later is better than never.  I'm SO looking forward to the fact that other than these two big meals, our holiday weekend is fairly unscheduled and we could all use that...some time to reconnect as a family.  At the same time, I absolutely CAN NOT believe how quickly we got here once school started, and it makes me just a little sad.  My kids are growing up so fast, and I'm just not ready for it!

Five years ago...

Five years ago today our house was all kinds of a mess.  Thomas had been sick the previous week with a low grade fever, and over the weekend had broken out in a rash.  Robert had also developed a slight fever, and I had a cold/sinus infection that was so miserable the "gunk" was literally coming out of my eyes.  I remember driving to pick up my husband from an event, and because my eyes were so bad and it was after dark everything was blurry and I could barely see.  Why do I remember this exact date.  Well, first of all I just seem to have a "knack" for that, but secondly it was when we were in the middle of trying to sell our house and we were having an open house that very Sunday...five years ago yesterday.  Anyway, since Thomas had developed the rash on top of his low grade fever I had Andrew take him to the doctor.  We were all a little astounded when it was revealed that he had chicken pox!  After all, he'd been vaccinated properly.  I immediately had Robert pull up his shirt and sure enough, the same "rash" was on him as well.  We quarantined ourselves for Thanksgiving because our plans had been to be with my dad (and his suppressed immune system) and my cousins, all of whom had young children.  Not to mention, I felt pretty lousy myself.  My in-laws went ahead and came to our house as they had been planning to do, and we had a very quiet Thanksgiving meal here.  Since it was such short notice on us, we decided to do a ham for the meal instead of turkey.  In retrospect, it was one of the most pleasant Thanksgivings.  I love being able to see so much family, but at the same time it was also very nice NOT to have to run around from house to house to see everyone.  Definitely a very memorable time in our lives.  As I pointed out to the kids at dinner this evening...based on the statistics in our house the vaccine is only 33% effective!

What it was like

I'm not going to lie to you, the last eight weeks were tough.  I feel badly even saying that, because I know that there are so many families that have both parents working every day all day and they manage to get through.  I've learned that it's all about choices, and I honestly learned so much about myself.

Our house pretty much was a pig sty for the last eight weeks, and I felt so much guilt through it all.  I felt guilty that for 40 consecutive school days, my children had to get up earlier than normal and couldn't eat breakfast at home.  For 40 consecutive school days they couldn't walk home after school and enjoy a snack.  The hardest part of this particular assignment was the fact that this teacher had not taught first grade last year, so her own resources were limited.  I had to rely mostly on the kindness of the other first grade teachers.  Don't get me wrong, they were all VERY kind, but it meant I had to use their resources at the building.  I couldn't bring it home and wait until the kids were in bed.  And it meant they had to wait it out at school with me.  And of course there were weekends and evenings where I had to tell them, "No, I can't do that with you right now."  Sometimes there simply didn't seem to be any available resources for what I was teaching and it meant hours on the computer designing one or scouring the internet.  And the most frustrating part for me was the pay.  It's absolutely perfect pay for a day of subbing, but when the hours of planning and grading are factored in, it pretty much stinks.  My husband and I both agreed that there is not another long term assignment in our future.  For us as a family, it just doesn't make sense.

Which brings us to choices...I have announced that I have the rest of my life to work.  Being a mom though?  Well, while I do have that for the rest of my life as well, I only have the next several years to "mother" my kids while they are young.  Thomas is turning NINE before too long and Robert is already a teenager.  These days are going by way, way, way TOO FAST, and I don't want to miss them because I'm sitting at a desk or a computer or any other job.  I just want to be "mom".  So I'll continue to take daily sub jobs as offered, and we'll continue to make sometimes tough budgetary decisions...and in the long run, I know I'll be much happier, and so will the entire family!

It's over

Today is the end of my eight week long term sub assignment.  In some ways, it's such a lesson in how quickly time passes.  In others it's a lesson in the fact that time does pass even when it feels like it isn't.  Ultimately though, I'm very grateful to be finished...almost more than I thought I would be.  I'm hoping at some point to write a post that attempts to recreate our lives with two full time incomes (although I should note that as a long term sub the workload is definitely full time, but the pay doesn't even come close).  I'm so very much going to miss the kids, and I knew that would be the case.  I really wasn't too emotional today until there were some hugs at the end of the day.  I was just doing high fives as a way to say good bye, but then a little girl Eva insisted on a hug.  She is the daughter of a friend so that didn't really hit me, but when the boys started hugging me that about did me in.

The other thing that is over...the ugly campaign ads.  I don't care who you might be voting for or what your preferences might be in anything...these ads have been absolutely awful.  Now some of you in some "not so pivotal" states might be wondering what the heck I'm talking about, but HELLO!  I live in OHIO!  I'll be honest, I like living in an important state in terms of many things, but national elections is not one of them.  I detest politics in just about every way possible.  I'm so glad I can now turn on my tv and radio and not feel irritation at both sides!

Looking forward to having more blog time now!

Reading together

One of my most favorite things I did with my kids when they were younger was reading to them.  I absolutely loved some of the children's stories and I loved the way they often snuggled with me when reading...even all three of them.  For the last several years we've been reading the Little House on the Prairie series and I've enjoyed that as well.  But to be honest, we've totally slacked off for the last six months and pretty much hadn't done anything in that regard.

Some of my favorite children's books are a few that were given to us about six years ago by a very dear friend.  Because of the time of year, many of the books were Halloween books.  Even though I can't stand the holiday itself, these books have such great memories for me.  I was feeling a little sad that not once had we been able to read these books this year.  I decided though, that four days too late was better than not at all.  We all sat huddled together in the living room, and even better than me reading to them was everyone taking a turn.  Even my husband joined in!  I sat there and cherished the moment, and knew that it was a memory I'll always have with me!

Almost back to normal

There are only two days left in my long term assignment.  I am going to miss the little first graders so much that I could almost cry about it.  But at the same time, I am well aware of the fact that my three favorite "little" people in the world are right here at home with me, and I'm (hopefully) going to get to be a better mother now that I'm not working full time.  Understand, I know that MOST families deal with two full time parents every day.  But I've also known that I'm not one of them who would handle that well.  And it isn't just the guilt.  Being a teacher is NEVER (in spite of how most people feel) an eight hour job.  The eight hours I could deal with...it was the part where I STILL had to bring things home.  And I've also known that I'm a person that, if I'm going to do a job, I'm going to completely devote myself and do the best job I can, which is why I feel as though I've missed the last eight weeks of my children's lives.  The money has been very nice and will be handy at Christmas, but I'm so looking forward to pleasant and relaxing evenings again!

At the same time, fall baseball has also come to an end.  Robert was really starting to hit the ball well and I'm pretty sure that he is disappointed that the season has ended.  He'll most likely be going back to karate next week, as will the other two.  Thomas has been taking an after school enrichment program patterned after the Magic Tree House books and he's loved that.  Catherine has joined the tone chime choir at school and practices after school once a week for that.  And of course everyone still has scouts and Andrew is taking one of his final classes for his principal's license.  But I am so very grateful that as we head into the holidays, our lives are almost back to normal...whatever that is with three growing children!