How it's been

This has been a nice holiday weekend.  We have enjoyed having my in-laws here, although I am somewhat grateful that they are leaving today.  I don't feel well at all, and I'm just not really sure what we would do with them if they stayed today.  It's been truly wonderful to have them here though, and four weeks from today we'll be making the trek east ourselves for Christmas with them.

I had been somewhat apprehensive how I was going to feel about things.  Thanksgiving was wonderful though.  My aunt hosted 30 family members and close friends, and honestly, I truly enjoyed myself.  The nine great-grandkids were all together and we even got a picture of them with my grandmother.  I treasured watching all of the kids play together, and Robert was so very tolerant of the very little ones.  As the oldest grandchild myself I remembered those days, and I was proud of him.  I loved catching up with my cousins and I must say, everyone married well!  The in-laws have truly brought much joy to our family!  I am so grateful to my aunt and uncle who so graciously open their home to so many!

I've been wondering how the holidays were going to feel, and I've often felt surprised by how sad I don't feel.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Thanksgiving is not really a holiday I associated with my Dad.  Christmas will be another story.  That man absolutely loved Christmas.  As with so many examples I've learned over the last several weeks, giving was one of my father's greatest joys, and Christmas allowed him to really get carried away.  He loved decorating and driving around to see the lights, and he loved Christmas music...especially Mitch miller.  So yeah, Christmas is going to be the tough one.

At the same time, I also recognize that I've been grieving my father for nearly a decade.  Selling the cottage was, in some ways, our loss of him.  That had been our place and our time with him.  We were really the only ones who used it except him, and he loved having us there.  I can remember him telling us after we had spent a day there, "You don't know how much I've enjoyed this."  In the last year, we hadn't been able to go out to eat with him and since early summer, even visiting at the house was tough.  There had been very, very few phone calls, and the email exchanges that used to go on and on had ended months ago.  He just wasn't up to it.  I know we've been losing my father little by little for years, but since April, he had been gone in so many ways.  As I've told Andrew, I've grieved so many times over the years, and especially over the last few months.  I also have faith that allows me to believe he is no longer suffering and is in a better place.  I can accept that without question.

Today after my in-laws leave we are going to put up the decorations, especially the tree.  As much as my dad loved Christmas, I know I'm going to feel him here with me today.  It may be tough at times, but Dad would want us to celebrate and be happy!

Thanksgiving morning

While my in-laws are here, they sleep in our bed and Andrew and I set up camp in Catherine's room.  And since I sleep on a cot, it literally does feel like camping.  Anyway, shortly after 7:00 this morning, we both got up because neither of us could sleep.  I'm not sure why Andrew couldn't sleep, but for me I'm battling a head cold/possible sinus infection and it just wasn't going to let me go back to sleep.  I am sure I will pay for this tonight and will end up missing the Steelers/Ravens game!

But I must admit, it certainly is nice and quiet and peaceful here.  I love that our large bay picture window in the front of our house has a side that faces the southeast...perfect for watching the sun rise this time of year. 

In spite of the stress of the last month, I am so grateful for so many things...more things than I can list.  Family, friends, and the grace of God are very high on the list though...and are an amazing blessing everyday.

I hope that everyone has a peaceful and Happy Thanksgiving!

They are on their way

My in-laws had been planning for quite some time to come here for Thanksgiving and join my large extended family on my mother's side for the meal tomorrow.  Even after my brother-in-law's stroke of a couple of weeks ago, they were still hoping to come and see the grandkids, although they probably won't stay as long.  Watching the forecast though, we were becoming rather concerned.  My father-in-law is 78, and just not as confidant and comfortable on the roads as he used to be.  By last evening we were pretty convinced that it wasn't going to happen, and we were planning a trip there next weekend as a back up. 

However, we woke up to pleasant news this morning!  The storm had not tracked quite as expected and their area had not been hit nearly as badly as original predictions.  They left about 11:00 this morning and should arrive before dinner this evening.  We are so excited that they can still join us!

Tributes

There have been so many tributes paid to my dad that we have all been astounded.  Of course I knew that my dad was a special and wonderful man, but we have truly been overwhelmed by others who have shared with us that they felt the same way.  There was a tribute article in our hometown newspaper this past weekend, and people from near and far have sent messages to our family.  There were over 320 people who stood in line at his visitation, some for nearly an hour.  My friend from Chicago was coming for my birthday celebration and decided to stay through the services.  Another friend whom I haven't seen in over seven years surprised me by driving over an hour from her home near Columbus to pay her respects.  That brought me to tears.  I think the thing that truly touched me is that my father was a hugely successful businessman, but that isn't at all what people talked about as they chatted with us.  People told us how kind, gentle, and generous he was, and that no one, even going back to his high school days, had every heard anyone say an unkind word about him.  Those that are in my generation talked about what my dad had taught them...not only kindness and fairness, but his second-to-none work ethic.  Here we are, nearly 12 days removed, and we are still getting messages, cards, and condolences.

My mom mentioned to me the other day that Dad would be shocked to see all of this.  My father did everything in his life "behind the scenes."  If he were alive right now he would be pulling someone aside and telling them this nonsense needed to stop right now.

This had been a rough 12 days, but honestly, in some ways, not as awful as I had always anticipated it being.  I'm sure some things will hit me at times, and certain dates will be difficult.  But knowing that my father touched the lives of so many in such an amazingly positive way has provided such a great deal of comfort!

Last visit

Three weeks ago I vividly remember standing in our bathroom getting ready to drive to my hometown and go to my parents' house.  I remember how much I really didn't want to go.  I had only been finished working at our old house for about two weeks and still felt like there was so much to do here at the new one so that we weren't constantly living among boxes.  And the fact that we had moved further away meant that the entire thing was going to take an hour longer in the car than it would've if we had lived at our house...I wanted to just stay home.

And then I mentally scolded myself.  I should be grateful that I could help my parents, and even more grateful that my dad was still here.  Mom made a pot of sloppy joe's for lunch, and the kids occupied themselves watching TV and playing with some toys there.  Andrew and I, with some help from Robert, spent the day moving furniture around and doing some other little odd jobs that would help them out.  My dad was having a fairly good day, and even came in and sat with us for awhile.  At one point we all kind of became slap-happy, and I remember thinking how good it felt for all of us to be laughing.

As it turns out, that was the last time I ever got to see Dad.  I regret that he was asleep when we left, but I did get to talk to him on the phone one more time after that (although I was in the process of losing my cell signal and that was less than ideal as well).  Strangely, the memory of looking into his room and seeing him sleeping is absolutely seared into my memory.  I am eternally grateful that our last visit was full of so much laughter...I take great comfort in that.

The beginning of the holidays

As far as I am concerned, the official beginning of the holidays is this weekend...the weekend before Thanksgiving.  When Michigan and OSU played on this weekend, it really was a holiday in our house!  Now they don't play until next week which I don't really like as much...so much going on next weekend!  I am looking forward to celebrating and sharing time with family next weekend.  I know there are going to be some tough moments, but overall I'm excited about the holiday season coming!

Hoping it ends just as it began

A year ago today, Catherine's classmate Grace passed away.  Her family has grieved with such strength it has amazed me every day.  Having just lived it, I am certain her family also felt grateful she was no longer suffering, but I can not imagine losing a child.

Since Grace's passing, we have also lost my great-uncle, my aunt's mother, a friend's father, my father's best friend, and now my dad.  On top of that, one of our cats died, we moved and I had to give up a job that I loved, the kids have switched schools, Andrew's brother had a stroke last week, and there was some drama last spring involving our children.  That's a lot in just a year folks.

When I was in high school, my tiny hometown lost nine teenagers to car accidents...that was a HUGE amount.  I remember when Jeannette died.  Of the nine, the was the last one and the one I personally was closest to.  I remember gathering with friends and thinking to myself, "this is it.  This will be the last one.  We can't take anymore."  I am grateful that it was five years before another tragedy of that type befell our community.

I kind of feel that way now.  Overall, I recognize that our family is still amazingly blessed, and I experience gratitude on a daily basis.  At the same time, I am done.  This needs to be the end.  While last year's Thanksgiving was the beginning of a cycle of stress and sadness, I am completely confidant that this year's Thanksgiving is the beginning of a cycle of healing.

This time last week

At almost this exact time last week, I was on the phone with one of my best friends telling them my father has passed away.  Chad and I have been friends since 1992, our fathers graduated from high school together and our grandmothers worked together...so yeah, he kind of knows our family.  He was as stunned as the rest of us.  It seems so odd to say Dad's death was unexpected, but it truly was...at least right then.  He had been released from the hospital the day before.  I had talked to my mom in the middle of the day Thursday, and she told me Dad was having a great day.  He had awakened on his own, and was up and moving around more than he'd been in quite a while.  My mom went in a little before 7:30, and Dad was non-responsive.  She called the squad, thinking he had lost consciousness.  We were in the middle of parent teacher conferences and I had at first, ignored her call.  After all, Dad was having a great day.  When Andrew's cell phone then rang I knew immediately it was awful.  At that time she thought we should probably meet her at he hospital.  I told her I'd go home and drop Andrew off and come up.  I called her as we were leaving the school and she said she couldn't talk and would call right back.  She called ten minutes later and choked out my name then said, "He's gone."  I remember saying, "What?  What happened?"  She said she didn't know if it was a stroke or heart attack, she didn't know.  I told her we'd get things together and I'd be up there as soon as I could.  She said to bring the kids, and since it is about a 75 minute drive and already nearly 8:00, it was evident they weren't going to school the next day.

I know that we were all pretty much in shock.  I think Andrew and his mother, when he called her, were the ones that cried the most.  I know with certainty that I was numb...I was in crisis plan mode.  My family needed me and I was going to come through.  Not even the kids cried.  I'm not sure I understand that necessarily, but at the same time this has been an inevitable fact of life for them since they've been able to remember.

In spite of my sadness, there are so many things for which I am grateful.  Selfishly, I am grateful Dad didn't die in a hospital.  I know it had to be awful for my mom, but I am grateful that he passed right there in his own bed, and even though Mom wasn't right there she was nearby.  There were no outward signs of trauma to his body, and we are all grateful that his passing seemed to be peaceful.  I am grateful that it happened last week and not this week.  As it was it was too close to Thanksgiving.  However, by then, another week will have passed and I am grateful we didn't have funeral and holiday all in the same week.  I am grateful that the last visit we had together was full of much laughter.  I am grateful that he hung on long enough for the kids to be situated in their new schools.  They are settled and comfortable and have their own support systems there.  As absolutely bizarre as this may sound, I am grateful that he didn't hang on until January.  As tough as the holidays are going to be, in my heart I truly believe it would've been worse knowing that we were celebrating and he was to weak and sick to join us.  And more than anything, I am incredibly grateful that he is no longer suffering.  He fought valiantly for 17 years.  He recently had told Andrew that his doctor told him that he had lived longer with this disease than anyone in the country.  He fought everyday to enjoy life, and on most days I think he would tell you he won.

There will be a few more posts in the next couple of days about Dad, but many of them will be, I hope, uplifting.  We have been surrounded by an unbelievable support system, near and far.  I have truly, truly, truly, been amazed at it all.  I am so proud of my Dad...he touched more people's lives than I even knew!

Moving forward

As of this afternoon, my life without my father begins.  I know he passed Thursday evening, but since then I've been focusing on getting through today.  The funeral was this morning, and I was to speak.  So in many ways, my new reality begins now.  I am absolutely and completely exhausted, and I know that is okay.  Our family has been astounded by all of the love and support shown to our family.  I hope to get back on here and post about it as the days come along.  And they won't be overly sad posts either...my dad was truly a happy man and I hold on to that.  As I said before, there are so many blessings and I am grateful for each one.

I purposely left this post without a title, because there simply isn't one that would do it justice.  My dad passed away last night.  While I am sadder than I have ever been in my life, I am still grateful for so many blessings, and I acknowledge that so many prayers have been answered.  I am amazed and overwhelmed at the outpouring of support in just the 12 hours that he has been gone.  I am mentally and physically exhausted (only three hours of sleep last night), but know that he is at peace and no longer suffering.

First snowfall

This morning we've had our first accumulating snow of the season.  Andrew and I have discussed how different winter will be here because for both of us, we've lived our entire lives in town.  For the last ten years, we've been right downtown, and in my entire life I've always lived within about three blocks of the downtown business district.  So, a little neighborhood in the country is a different feel for us in every way, and winter is no exception.  We've discussed that when there are really bad storms forecasted we actually have to prepare.  Our road will NOT be the first one plowed and if our power goes out, we will NOT be among the first restored.

But our neighborhood is also a very quiet, wooded community.  I have two large windows, one in the living room facing the front, and one in the family room facing the back yard and the wooded area.  While this snow is accumulating, it's also very light and early enough in the season that it didn't stick to the roads (at least this far south).  So we have a gorgeous view of untouched winter wonderland.  I truly had no idea how beautiful it was going to be on the trees.  It is breathtaking!

Another Monday morning

I was actually looking forward to this morning.  Can you believe it?  Looking forward to a Monday morning?  Sadly, it was because all of my kids would be in school and the house would be quiet.  We had plenty of not quiet this weekend.  Life with Catherine and Thomas is like Jekyll and Hyde.  One minute they are the best of friends and the next all heck is breaking loose.  Yesterday on an hour long car ride I had to pull the vehicle over TWICE in order to deal with them.  Not okay.  And then there is Robert, who is, my husband assures me, behaving like a typical male teen.  His brain has clearly left him and he is simply not in any way, shape, or form functioning like a human with common sense.  It's tough...in many ways one of the toughest things I've dealt with in a long time.  The thing is, he's a pretty good kid and the stuff he's pulling are generally small things.  We explain to him though, if we can't trust him in the small things how can we trust him in bigger things.  I know that we are certainly not the first parents to deal with this and I'm grateful for Andrew's perspective into teenagers.

For now, however, I am enjoying the quiet and solitude of the day.  With Dad's precarious health, I know that at any moment, life could turn into a tailspin, and I've learned to appreciate the calm for however long it might last.

Saturday moments

Yesterday we had very few plans.  It was absolutely awesome!

One plan we did have was to attend Empty Bowls, a program here in our new town.  High school, college, and community arts classes fire up ceramic bowls and donate them.  Some are heavy duty pottery, some of lighter and are painted colorfully.  For a $10 donation, you get to purchase a bowl and have it filled with the soup of your choice.  Catherine chose a purple bowl, Robert wanted a red, white, and blue bowl with "USA" inside, and Andrew chose a colorful one as well.  I stumbled across a red, white, and black bowl, with my alma mater's (and local university) symbol on the outside, and snatched it up.  Thomas was having a very difficult time deciding...but when he saw mine that's what he wanted!  I was happy to give it to him.  I was thrilled that my son wanted it!  More importantly, I was very happy to see that the place was packed, and was very grateful for the opportunity to contribute to our new community and having the children involved.

Andrew and I spent our afternoon hanging things on the walls.  This place is beginning to feel like home and I'm very grateful for that.  In the evening, he wanted to watch the live streaming of the final toast of the Doolittle Raiders.  He gathered us all, and even the kids sat entranced in front of the computer.  I had no idea until it was over that I had been standing there for over an hour watching the ceremony and toast.  I loved how enthralled and interested the kids were while watching it.  Later, Andrew said to Thomas, "Thank you for watching the toast with me."  Thomas replied, "It's part of our history."  That little guy gets it...he understand that history is important.

Unfortunately, last evening we received a call from my mother that my dad was back in the e/r.  It's another episode with the congestive heart failure.  My heart is breaking for my parents, and for my kids.  My dad isn't ready to stop fighting, but we all know his time is running out.  My mother is dealing with the stress of being a caregiver and knowing that no matter what she does, it won't be enough to change the final outcome.  And I'm sad for my children who never got to know the man my father was, although I am grateful for the time they have had with him and the memories we made together, especially up at the cottage.

It's another gorgeous day here in southwest Ohio.  We have a few plans to be out today, and I'm grateful for the sunshine!

Heading into another weekend

These weeks are just flying by...unbelievably so!  I've been spending a lot of time away from home doing one of my least favorite things...shopping.  We are "officially" celebrating my birthday next weekend, and some out-of-town guests are expected, so I've been trying to buy a few things that we would like to have for the new house.  I don't want to get crazy about spending money because even though we have a deal to sell our house, nothing is concrete until closing as far as I'm concerned.

We don't have a lot of plans for this weekend, and I'm particularly grateful for that.  Our family needs some quiet together time!

We have a deal!

We worked out a deal on our old house.  It isn't the one we thought it would be.  It's the one with the better $$, but it does carry a little more risk that it could fall apart due to financing issues.   However, this guy seems to really want the house.  He made a VERY strong offer and took the time to write up an offer right after seeing the house.  The other guy on the other hand, never actually wrote up an offer, but his original offer was so low it was almost insulting (our house is priced VERY reasonably so it would sell quickly).  In addition, his submission included how he was a retired bank vice-president and other completely irrelevant information.  Honestly, I felt his arrogance coming through the email...as if we were just supposed to assume that he was right on his price and it should be done his way because of who he is.  I wasn't sad when he refused to meet our final price.  Now, hopefully all will go well with financing and inspections on the other buyer, and all will be good to go!  We really feel it has all worked out in the long run, and we hope that the new buyer enjoys the home as much as we did!

Letting go

There is a good chance that we are going to have a deal to sell our house within the next 48 hours (unless I just jinxed us!).  We actually have two offers on the table.  One offer is great in terms of the dollar amount, but contains some higher risk that the deal could fall through.  The other deal is sad and pathetic in terms of the dollars, but is pretty much guaranteed to go through.  Negotiating is not my thing, but we will see what happens.

I'm very relieved at the prospect of having it sold, and yet it also makes me a little emotional.  While I certainly have no intention of ever living there again, there was always a part of me that could go back and see the place where so many fabulous family memories occurred.  Last night as we were discussing things, Andrew made the comment that he just hopes whoever buys the house takes good care of it.  In that regard I guess I'm grateful that we won't be living in town anymore in case they don't...I won't have to see it every day.

I know that home is where my family is, and my family is doing great right here in our new place.  I am so incredibly grateful for the blessings of these people in my life, and for all of the opportunities we have!

Enjoying the time change

I am loving the time change!  I know it won't last, but for today, even more than yesterday, it's absolutely wonderful!  It was so nice to be out waiting for Catherine's bus without it being pitch black, and now, 40 minutes later, it's almost light out.  And of course everyone enjoys that extra hour of sleep!

We had a very nice weekend.  Friday evening we drove back to our old town and picked up Thomas's best friend Joseph.  Having those two reunited is truly heartwarming!  There is never enough laughter in the world, but those two together certainly try their best!  Saturday we were up and at 'em early to take Joseph back and also to get Robert to scouts.  We know there were a couple of house showing this weekend so we raked and mowed while Robert was at scouts, then we headed north to my parents.  We were moving furniture back into place after they had their new carpeting put down.  My dad is failing and my mother is stressed and exhausted, but I think they would tell you we had a very nice visit.  There was lots of laughter, which is again good for the soul.  I'm also finding ways I can help even though I can't be there every day, and I'm grateful for that.  Yesterday we visited another church in town.  I won't go into details, but I will confirm that will NOT be our new church home...we both agreed.  Robert helped out with the town food drive, and we enjoyed a beautiful afternoon.

I am so grateful for the calm and serenity that I'm currently feeling.  I wish the same for all!

October didn't disappoint

I would say, overall, October was a pretty good month.  Certainly much better than the previous few had been!  The funeral at the beginning of the month was emotional, but October is truly a beautiful month (usually), in terms of both weather and scenery.  Our new town is even prettier than the old one, and overall the stress level was much more manageable.  I enjoyed October.

And now we are moving into November...and my favorite holiday of Thanksgiving!  Of course everyone loves Christmas, but Thanksgiving is my favorite.  It's filled with family but without the stress of the gift giving.  Plus, it's the beginning of the holiday season.  SO MUCH FUN!  We have already confirmed that we are spending the day at my aunt & uncle's which we haven't done in four years and Andrew's parents are joining us as well.  I am filled with even more optimism for a wonderful month!