This has been a nice holiday weekend. We have enjoyed having my in-laws here, although I am somewhat grateful that they are leaving today. I don't feel well at all, and I'm just not really sure what we would do with them if they stayed today. It's been truly wonderful to have them here though, and four weeks from today we'll be making the trek east ourselves for Christmas with them.
I had been somewhat apprehensive how I was going to feel about things. Thanksgiving was wonderful though. My aunt hosted 30 family members and close friends, and honestly, I truly enjoyed myself. The nine great-grandkids were all together and we even got a picture of them with my grandmother. I treasured watching all of the kids play together, and Robert was so very tolerant of the very little ones. As the oldest grandchild myself I remembered those days, and I was proud of him. I loved catching up with my cousins and I must say, everyone married well! The in-laws have truly brought much joy to our family! I am so grateful to my aunt and uncle who so graciously open their home to so many!
I've been wondering how the holidays were going to feel, and I've often felt surprised by how sad I don't feel. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Thanksgiving is not really a holiday I associated with my Dad. Christmas will be another story. That man absolutely loved Christmas. As with so many examples I've learned over the last several weeks, giving was one of my father's greatest joys, and Christmas allowed him to really get carried away. He loved decorating and driving around to see the lights, and he loved Christmas music...especially Mitch miller. So yeah, Christmas is going to be the tough one.
At the same time, I also recognize that I've been grieving my father for nearly a decade. Selling the cottage was, in some ways, our loss of him. That had been our place and our time with him. We were really the only ones who used it except him, and he loved having us there. I can remember him telling us after we had spent a day there, "You don't know how much I've enjoyed this." In the last year, we hadn't been able to go out to eat with him and since early summer, even visiting at the house was tough. There had been very, very few phone calls, and the email exchanges that used to go on and on had ended months ago. He just wasn't up to it. I know we've been losing my father little by little for years, but since April, he had been gone in so many ways. As I've told Andrew, I've grieved so many times over the years, and especially over the last few months. I also have faith that allows me to believe he is no longer suffering and is in a better place. I can accept that without question.
Today after my in-laws leave we are going to put up the decorations, especially the tree. As much as my dad loved Christmas, I know I'm going to feel him here with me today. It may be tough at times, but Dad would want us to celebrate and be happy!
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