Another week gone by

This was another tough week, but we are hanging in there.  Maybe my expectations are just too high...maybe this is all perfectly normal (although the nurses don't think so).  Regardless, it was a tough week.

I was able to spend both Tuesday and Wednesday with Mom since Andrew and the kids were at my in-laws.  I would be more than willing to spend any amount of time with her, but she hates to take me away from my kids, and I really do appreciate that.  Her mom stays with her at night, and my dad's mom spends the afternoons with her when I'm not there.  I am so grateful for all of our family, and for our amazing little community that has rallied around us yet again and taken her to her daily radiation treatments.

After not eating for three weeks, we had really hoped the feeding tube was going to be a huge help.  It hasn't exactly turned out that way.  On more than one occasion, she has become dizzy, and at times fallen, after doing a feeding.  Even the nurses aren't really sure what's happening in that regard.

Mom admits chemo Thursday followed by feeding tube insertion on Friday was probably not the best scheduling...although I don't feel that we really had another option.  I know that part of the way she has felt has been from the chemo.  Tuesday she told me she was better than Monday, although she was still VERY weak and slept a great deal of the time.  There is also a lot of gagging, but I won't go into details with that.  Wednesday I thought had been such a fabulous day.  She was not only awake the entire time I was there, but I told her that it was her...not just her awake, but it was my mom's personality.  I really enjoyed being with her Wednesday, and felt so good about it all...I mistakenly thought we had turned a corner.  Yesterday things took a turn again, and although she still felt better than earlier in the week, in my mind it was a step backwards.  I was the only one who had seen her on Wednesday, so I was the only one with the higher expectations.

I am trying so hard to remember that this is all part of the process, and to NOT be angry...and right now that is really hard.  I really share Mom's optimism that she is going to beat this, and I appreciate her attitude.  At the same time, there are so many parallels to Dad last summer, and while I recognize we knew it was the end with Dad and this time there is actually hope, it's still a really tough thing to watch...again.