Part of the reason this all hurts so much is that the person they hired was an internal transfer. They choose to prioritize those requests, although they do not have to do so (I've read the contract). The thing is, this particular person had just transferred from one elementary to another six weeks ago. It seems to me that perhaps she should've hung out in that job for a bit more, but whatever. I, on the other hand, have worked in the high school many more days than not over the last four year. But, I am not technically a district employee. The district pays the county who then pays me. But that doesn't change the fact that I did everything I could each day I was there. I wanted to be there, and I developed relationships with the kids. Clearly, none of that truly mattered to those who made the decision.
I'll be honest, I'm a little hyper-sensitive to that after what happened this week. We had a school staff meeting at my current job. I attended, because I consider myself part of the staff. I have a staff badge, and keys to the classroom and the building (more than I was ever given previously). We all know that this is only a one-year thing, but anyone who knows me knows I will give it everything I have each day I am there. Again, though, I am actually paid by the county who is reimbursed by the school. At the staff meeting this week, materials for a district wide project were handed out. I received none. Message received. I'm not really a part of things there. My friend (who hired me) makes sure I am included in things, but he is not my direct supervisor. I'm not saying I'm not needed or not appreciated, I'm just saying I'm often an afterthought at best, and not truly part of the staff.
I mentioned to Andrew last night how I'm kind of tired of "not counting". He immediately understood. He mentioned I seem excited about this opportunity at the private school in town, and I do appreciate the possibility of being part of something there. At the same time, my heart breaks when I think about how much I'll miss when it comes to things with Thomas. I talked to him about it last evening, and said he understood. I told him that I hate that I've worked during so much more of his schooling than I did for either his brother or sister. I want him to know that he is just as important to me as the others and that I want to be at all of his moments. When we talk, he seems to understand, but it still breaks my heart. That is why the job I am not getting was so perfect, and so important to me.
Okay, now life has to go on. I didn't get the job. I am still grateful for the one I have, and life is good overall. Time to stop the pity party!
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