When I was a child, my mother was a stay-at-home mom. I don't ever remember thinking much about it. I do remember though, when I was in middle school my mom had some community volunteer commitments that meant she wasn't home when I got home from school. My sister and I were certainly old enough to be alone for a little bit after school. My mom though, mentioned that every day I would ask if she would be home after school. She took that to mean I didn't necessarily love her not being there. It's possible. I don't honestly remember.
I do know that half-way through my senior year of high school, my mother took a full-time job. She made very clear that she was working to help my sister and I pay for college. She worked for nearly eight years, finishing a little over a year after my sister finished her undergraduate degree.
Many times over the years when my father was ill, I remember being irritated that Dad was working and Mom was not. I remember feeling that if my mother would go and get a job then Dad wouldn't feel the need to work. I felt irritated that my mom was home just doing whatever she wanted.
Realistically though, there was nothing that was going to keep my father from working. We always said he would work right until the end, and at the visitation I learned he had sent a work email less than an hour before he passed away. My parents could have won millions in the lottery, and I don't think my dad would've completely given up working.
I also realize, and this week really drove it home, my mom wasn't home "doing whatever she wanted". Mom was doing whatever was needed. That is true of the entire time she was home, and is still true today. When I was a kid, my mom was a room parent, and she was President of the PTO. For years she sat on the board of Community Services, a local non-profit that serves my home town. She volunteered as part of a group that drove those who couldn't drive themselves to medical appointments. Mom chaperoned field trips and was a girl scout leader. We were the house where friends stayed after school if they missed the bus or left their house keys at home and needed to wait until a parent got off work. We were the house where friends came and grabbed a quick bite to eat between school and after-school activities. After leaving her full-time job, Mom continued serving on nearly every committee that has ever existed in my hometown. It is why she was named my hometown's 'Citizen of the Year' in 1995, and along with my father was named 'Philanthropist of the Year' in 2013.
She was also my father's constant care-giver. Her volunteer commitments never came above my dad's needs, and it's been the same over the last three years with my aunt and my grandmother. She has also been acting as a surrogate mother to a cousin, and trying to help with her young daughter. She helps my sister out with things at her house when possible.
No, my mother did not spend all these years "doing whatever she wanted". She has been taking care of just about everything and everyone all these years. This past week was such an eye-opener for me. Andrew needed to be with his dad. I completely understood. There were other things that needed to be handled though, and I was supposed to be working. While I had only planned to take the one day, I will NEVER regret taking both days to be home. This is where I was needed. I was texting my mom the other day telling her everything that was going on, and telling about how I ended up being home both days. She responded by telling me I was doing the right thing by making sure I was home. I hadn't asked, and I'm not sure what made her say that, but it brought me to tears. Ultimately, I realized this where I want to be, because this is where I need to be.
I don't really know what this means for anything, other than it feels a little life-altering to have this realization. I know that I am incredibly blessed to even be able to consider not working a full-time job even without kids at home. So many thoughts, emotions, and feelings have been front and center this week.
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