It was a lovely birthday afternoon

My birthday rolled around again today.  I miss my grandmother's email as she no longer gets on to her computer.  I'm not entirely certain she even realizes it is my birthday, which is a bit sad as well, and I know she would hate that.  I don't really know when (or at this point, if) I will get to celebrate with the kids.  Thomas wants to do something on a Sunday evening, and Catherine works all Sunday evenings, so I'm not sure how that will work out.  But, I had a really lovely day, none-the-less.  Andrew and I went to church this morning, then I asked if he wanted to go the "candle store" with me.  There is this store in Indiana that is just a fun place to visit this time of year.  I try to visit each year, but I don't think I made it over last year.  I didn't realize Andrew had never been there with me.  The drive over was absolutely gorgeous as it was a beautiful weather day (definitely on the cooler side) and very sunny, making the leaves and trees even more stunning.  Andrew agreed that it was a fun store, and we really enjoyed the store and the drive.  We ordered some food to be delivered this evening, and I've appreciated the end of my 51st year in this life.  And I'm so grateful it is a life full of so many blessings.

It's all so different

Andrew and I have commented on how everything just feels so different.  It's so different when we get home each day and Abby isn't at our door to greet us with her loving squeals and wagging tail.  It's so different that on Tuesday we were able to run and grab some dinner after work without having to worry about getting home to let her out.  It's so different that there is no animal howling at us around 5:00 each day (and again at 8 for a snack) because it's dinner time.  Even without Abby, Lincoln was the one that started howling first, but he's gone too.  It just really sucks.  I was looking at a picture of her today, and the tears began to flow.  I didn't mean for them too, but she just didn't feel old, and seven years wasn't enough with her.  I really thought she was the beagle who was going to live longer than the average of 12-15 years, and I certainly never thought she'd be gone at 12.

Outside seems different.  It's been entirely too warm this October.  There is a chance that it will be in the 70's during Trick-or-Treating on Thursday.  That's crazy.  The leaves are finally starting to really turn color, but it's just less than it has been in years past.

The holidays are going to feel so different this year as well.  Thomas doesn't live here, so he won't be waking up in our house on Christmas morning.  I haven't completely wrapped my head around that yet.  Because of the way things fall this year, we decided to do our Thanksgiving meal on the Sunday before.  I'm actually kind of excited about this.  It was really important to me that we decorate the tree together, but I refuse to serve a Thanksgiving meal with a tree up.  This will allow us to decorate the tree Wednesday evening and we can watch our Friends episodes as well.  These things are going to be different, but we can go with them.

Christmas shopping is going to feel different this year as well.  Some friends have decided we are going to stop exchanging gifts, and the kids truly need mostly just money.  There will be a few cute and traditional gifts here and there, but no one really wants "things" just for the sake of having a gift.  I bought my mom tickets to a performance she wanted, and that took care of that.

I don't love change, and it feels like there is so much that is different. I know it isn't all bad, but right now it sure doesn't necessarily feel good either.  Even 

It's less raw today

Yesterday was just a very raw day.  Andrew and I dreaded going to bed without our sweet girl, but we also really wanted the day to be over.  I'm so grateful it was a Friday.  Our bed felt big and cold without Abby last night.  Waking up today though, it felt less raw than yesterday.

There were still tough moments though.  Andrew was going to his mom's today, and I was dreading him leaving because Abby was always depressed when he'd leave.  This time though, I was dreading him leaving for an entirely different reason.  This house is so quiet and it feels so empty.  I miss her so, so much.  I watched some videos of her this evening and allowed myself to have a good cry.

I know this is part of owning a pet.  We outlive them and we miss them.  Yesterday, I felt it was my job to be strong for Andrew.  This evening though, I'm really reminded that it just really sucks.  It also doesn't help that I don't have a vehicle (that is another post) and I'm basically stuck here for the weekend.  I know that there are worse things in life, but today I'm still sad.  It just feels so sudden.  I also can't help but feeling if she hadn't tripped on Wednesday, she might still be with us.  I wish I could go back in time and keep her from doing that.

I'm sad, but I know tomorrow will be better.

We had to say goodbye to Abby

Our hearts are broken as we had to say good-bye to our sweet pup this morning.  She had a slipped disc again, but as always, was responding to the medication and was improving after 24 hours on medication.  Then, she slipped, and it seemed to compress the disc.  By last night, she was no longer able to walk.  It was awful to see.  Andrew called the vet last evening, and the news wasn't good.  Unless we woke up to a miracle this morning, we would be waking up with our sweet girl for the last time.  Fortunately, Andrew had no school today, and my co-workers graciously re-arranged schedules so I could be off most of the day.  The vet confirmed our worst fears, and we had to come home without her.  We were with her at the end, and honestly, we've spent a good part of the day crying.  We had Facetimed the kids last evening so each of them could say good-bye.  Telling Thomas and Catherine today was hard, especially Catherine.  She sobbed.  We are grateful her suffering wasn't worse, but oh, we miss her already.  The hard part is that she was still our sweet girl, her body was just failing her.  It's so quiet here.  As dog owners, I mentioned to Andrew that we pretty much had scheduled our lives around her.  This absolutely sucks.  Andrew and Thomas will be heading east tomorrow for football and it will just be me here tomorrow.  Dogs aren't really just pets, they are part of the family, and this is happening way too soon after losing Lincoln.

Another week gone by in October

We are nearly half-way through October.  I'm especially excited about tomorrow's weather as the high may not make it out of the 50's.  My kind of weather!  I can't complain to much though, as it's been warmer during the days than I would prefer, but very cool overnight and no humidity at all.  I'm really ready to wear long-sleeved shirts though.

Last weekend we had a lovely dinner with the kids, my mom, and even my sister joined us.  We were at one of our favorite restaurants where they serve incredible loaded fries.  Andrew insisted on a burger, but the rest of us all ate the fries...and even ordered extras!  It was nice to have some time all together.

Catherine is really enjoying her new job, and even has a second job!  She has a significant amount of debt and is beginning to understand the consequences of her decisions.  It's been really nice having her with us during the week and it's been helpful.  She appreciates that she still gets to spend her weekends in her apartment, but this is all temporary.  She understands when her lease is up next summer that she'll be moving in with us until she can really get back on her feet financially.

We have made it through the fall sports season.  It wasn't quite as bad as previous years, except for last week.  Andrew had to work every single evening.  The last two weeks have also been really, really hard at my job.  We had a lot of staff illness and it really took a toll.  I was the only admin working two of those days, and the Head was out pretty much all week.  That made it really challenging to be able to help in classrooms when I was the only one in the office, and there were times I just wasn't sure how we were going to cover everything.  We did though, and thank goodness we had Friday off school!  I spent Thursday night at an AirBnB with our good friend who also had Friday off. 

I can't lie, it's been hard to write this year.  My stories aren't very exciting or entertaining, and my kids' stories are their stories, not mine.  And it's been a really hard year dealing with some things.  I still enjoying re-reading some of the memories I've written here, and hopefully I'll be motivated to be better at recording the future memories!

He's still my little guy

Thomas called me yesterday after getting a text from Catherine.  She just told him they were taking Lincoln to the vet.  He called me right away and wanted to know if Lincoln was okay.  I explained the situation, and he got really quiet.  We talked about how glad we were he would be reunited with our cats who had gone before him, and especially Rosie.  I was getting choked up and we were both at work, so it was a short conversation.

Thomas texted later in the evening and asked if they could come over.  Of course we said yes!  When they walked in, I walked over for a hug, and my "little guy" hugged me and clung to me for a bit.  I know he is all grown up and living on his own (and isn't really little), but my little guy was sad about the passing of our cat and needed a hug from his mom.

I love this phase of our life.  I love the life my husband and I have together, and I'm grateful for the family we've created.  And I'm so, so grateful my little guy still needed his mom.

We had to say goodbye to Lincoln today

One of our cats, Lincoln, passed away today.  It was a bit of a shock.  This morning, Andrew mentioned he seemed like something was wrong.  Catherine heard us, hopped out of bed and checked him out, then scooped him and took him to bed with her (she still had another hour+ to sleep).  He seemed to settle in with her.  Before she left for work, Catherine set him up in her room with a comfy bed, and his own food, water, and litter box.  He took a turn during the day, and when Catherine got home she instantly knew something was very wrong.  She said he sounded like he was gasping.  She called me sobbing, but I was in the middle of carline.  I had her call her dad.  He called the vet, who was willing to see them right away.  Catherine cradled Lincoln, went to pick up her dad, and then they went to the vet.  We all knew at this point that Lincoln wasn't coming home.  The vet said she heard a heartbeat when they first got there, and then he was gone.  She assured us that bringing him in earlier today would not have changed today's outcome.  I'm so grateful it happened fairly quickly and his suffering was hours instead of longer.  But I sure do regret I didn't think to be more aware when I left this morning and give him a quick pat on the head or tell him I loved him...because of course I did.  He'd been with us for eleven years starting when he was just nine-months-old with his sister Rosie.  Those two had to be adopted together as it was clear they had a special bond.  After she died, Lincoln lost a lot of weight, and he had lost his cuddle buddy.  We all agreed that we are so glad he gets to see her again.  My daughter's heartbreak is always the part that hurts the most, but I'll be honest, I'm pretty sad myself.  Losing our furry family members really sucks.

Pete Rose died

Last evening we learned that Pete Rose had passed away.  My sister let me know.  I really wanted to write, but I wasn't feeling well at all.  My sister and I share so many memories from our childhood that involve the Reds, and specifically, Pete Rose.  I remember being devastated when he started playing for the Phillies, and I was beyond thrilled when he came to back to Cincinnati from Montreal.  I vividly remember watching the game on TV the night that he hit #4192.  It's always sad to lose parts of our childhood.  So, so many memories.