I'm angry

Today, my sister and I drove three hours to attend the funeral of my friend, Ryan.  There were a lot of people I knew, and I'm so glad I went.  I don't think I would have ever felt it was real if I hadn't gone.  When his mom saw me, she said to me, "He wasn't supposed to do this to us, was he?"  I said he sure wasn't.  I was able to see and hug his brother and sister-in-law, and even his sister-in-law's parents.  So many hugs and memories.

As I sat there in this church hours away from my home, I just kept thinking that I couldn't believe I was sitting there at Ryan's funeral.  I couldn't believe I had finally made the trip down there, and it was for his funeral.  And then I was angry.  Ryan took his own life, and hundreds of people were sitting in a church paying respects to him, and we were hurting.  The lives of his wife, children, parents, and brother are never going to be the same.  I know he was hurting and I can't imagine what he was going through, but I can't help be angry.  And I'm angry at myself.  I'm so angry that I'll never get the chance to spend more time with him.  It's so awful.

I will always treasure the memories of our childhood and teenage friendship.  I will always be grateful that Ryan was a part of my life, and I'll be praying for him and his family.