The end of March

March always feels like such a long month.  I think it's partly due to the fact that February is such a short one, and I also think it's because true spring weather (and often times spring break) is coming in April.  Normally I look forward to the end of March and beginning of April for those very reasons.  This year though...wow this year is going to be super emotional I think.

Starting today...today would've been my parents' wedding anniversary.  They were never particularly big on celebrating the day, but I always tried to make it special.  We had a really big party for them on their 25th, and then we did a card shower on their 35th which my mom especially enjoyed.  Last year we were going to do something big to celebrate their 40th, but Dad declined rapidly before anything could be planned.

At the end of the month, my mom will celebrate her birthday...her first without my dad.  And then just three days later, we will remember what would've been Dad's 60th.  Those are going to be some rougher-than-normal days.  It doesn't help that the day after Dad's birthday will be the one-year anniversary of losing our cat Piper.  We will also stop to remember Grace and the amazing person that she was as her birthday would've been next week as well.

And hanging over all of this is my mom's cancer diagnosis.  My mom had cancer over 12 years ago.  It was of the thyroid, and for whatever reason, never once did I consider anything but that she was going to be just fine.  I remember calling a friend of Mom's to let her know the tumor had been malignant, and being surprised at how upset she was...I was absolutely convinced Mom would be fine.  This time is different though.  The cancer is completely unrelated to the thyroid cancer.  The fact that it can't be surgically removed is a concern, although her doctor is extremely optimistic, and I know they don't like to get up false hopes.  Secondly, there is the fact that we've all just kind of been emotionally spent in the last year.  Add to the fact that she is my last remaining parent, and not only is that a terrifying prospect, but it means that the caregiving is going to fall on us...although mostly on me.  My sister has a full time job, and as a single person is her only source of income.  I'm not currently working, and although I'm further away and have three kids, I have flexibility.  There is family in town who will help with the kids and we'll get through.  I just truly hate the thought of my mom suffering, but I completely appreciate her positive and upbeat attitude right now!

The other shoe dropped

I had called my mom yesterday morning because I wanted to vent about our cable box not working and our water heater leaking.  Several hours later I had thought it odd that she hadn't yet returned my call.  When she finally did, she explained she had been at the oncologist.  So yeah, the biopsy from Monday came back and it wasn't good news.  My mom has cancer.  Honestly, I've pretty much felt like vomiting ever since she told me.  The oncologist is optimistic and is very positive, but starting within the next couple of weeks, she will begin seven weeks of radiation (every day), and during that will also have three treatments of chemo.  Operating is not an option, but the doctor feels he can still eradicate the tumor this way.  I'll be honest, I've gone to an angry place.  My father was chronically ill for 17 years, and has only been gone for four months.  I am angry that we are dealing with another medical crisis so soon.  I am angry that my mother was just getting her life back after taking such good care of my dad, literally being a nursemaid to him especially in the final months, and her life is about to be turned upside down.  She is feeling pretty good right now (this all started because she couldn't hear out of her left ear, and one thing led to another) but we all know that there are going to be some really tough days ahead.  I am so grateful for friends she has who will do what she can to help, but I also know that I'm going to be spending A LOT of time on the road and helping.  I am glad to do it, but I regret it will take away from time with my kids.  And speaking of kids, Robert has struck again.  I am just so angry and hurt by the crap he keeps pulling I can't even describe it.

I am trying very hard to be optimistic and positive...that is what Mom needs.  At the same time, I am allowing myself to be emotional this weekend.  This last year has really been a lot to process, and I am allowing myself to cry before we rev up to fight this thing!

Another Friday has arrived

Anybody catch the Dayton/Stanford NCAA game last night?  The Flyers are flyin' high baby!!!!  Such an exciting game, and we are grateful for the lack of last minute drama in this one.  Sadly, my fingernails are still a little chewed.  Tomorrow evening, Florida Gators...my, oh my!

I would like to be able to get some laundry done so we can all wear the exact same clothes we wore for the first three tournament games, but sadly, there is a puddle around our water heater so that isn't going to happen right now.  Hopefully someone will be here at 1:00 (so they say) to help take care of the problem.  The good news is that it is a leased water heater so any repairs/replacements are on their dime.

It also seems as though our cable box is fried.  That happened during the game last night.  Fortunately the rest of the TV's that are directly hooked up work fine, so we didn't miss the rest of the game!

Other than these couple of things...life is going along at the same old pace.  We still have two full weeks until spring break and I'm not going to lie, I am looking forward to that.  I am also looking forward to the arrival of April, and hopefully some nicer weather!!

Feeling beat

I'll be honest, I just don't have a lot in the emotional reserve tank these days, and I fell oh so very guilty for that.  My life is amazingly blessed and I'm so grateful for each and every day.  And yet, sometimes I am so consumed by grief, or even worse yet, fear.  Fear and anxiety are really front and center right now.  Not about anything in particular, just that another shoe is going to drop and I'll have no stamina to fight it or get through.  I am very hopeful that as each day passes we are going to get some sunshine and spring like days...hopefully that will help to improve my mood!

My mom

My mom had her surgery this morning.  It was nothing major, but oh, the emotions.  She had to be there at 7:30 this morning, and since I live 75 minutes away, I was very grateful that her good friend Marilyn offered to take her, and then I would be there to take her home.  I was able to get Thomas on the bus and hit the road.  It was nice to be able to visit with Marilyn, whom I've known literally my entire life.  It was her mother, "Granny", that passed away at the beginning of the year, and we shed a few tears together.  Seeing my mom in recovery was tough...tougher than I thought it would be.  Mom ALWAYS took such good care of Dad, and now there isn't anyone there to do the same for her.  Fortunately, she didn't need much of it today.  I got her lunch and stayed with her until my aunt got to the house, and then another friend came to spend the evening.  Mom is insistent she doesn't need anyone overnight (although if I lived closer I would've insisted on being there).  This really was a simple outpatient surgery, although a biopsy was performed so things aren't over yet.  We are optimistic though, that the news next Monday will be good news.  Grateful to have today behind us...and grateful for the new opportunities tomorrow will bring.

It was a fabulous weekend

We really enjoyed our weekend.  It was so nice having Andrew around for a couple of extra days.  Since Dayton was playing Saturday evening, we invited my mother to come down and watch the game with us.  She brought another family friend and my grandmother along, and it was really a lot of fun to have a houseful as Dayton won AGAIN!  Dancing to the sweet 16 baby!  Not only is Andrew a UD alum, but my aunt & uncle are professors, and four cousins and three cousins-in-law are grads.  So we are a very happy family!

Then of course, Sunday evening hit and reality struck us in the face.  While we are hoping and praying with all of our might that Robert is on the path to making better choices, Catherine made MANY poor choices this weekend, and especially yesterday.  Thomas refused to eat dinner simply because the burger was too thick, and I have to be on the road very shortly because my mother is having surgery this morning.  Lots going on and as a Monday, it feels a bit overwhelming, but I know we will get through!

Still dancing!

Dayton Flyers won yesterday!  It was an unbelievably dramatic game with OSU going ahead with something like 10 seconds left, but UD drove down the floor and scored with less than 4 seconds remaining.  OSU drove again, but just ran out of time to make a shot fall.  It was so exciting!

Then we flipped over to watch Harvard knock off UC.  Many people might think that us southwest Ohioans would firmly be rooted in Cincinnati's corner, but not so folks!  In fact, I would've rooted for Harvard anyway, the fact that the Bearcats were knocked out is just an added bonus!

We then watched THREE overtime games last night (I didn't stay up late enough to watch the fourth one) and were thrilled when North Dakota St. knocked off Oklahoma.  There were some absolutely fabulous games to watch yesterday, and I told my husband that I was so very grateful that he took these two days off to watch the games with me.  It's much more fun than watching alone.  And I'm so grateful that we've pretty much cleared our calendar in order to be able to do this.  We really, really needed something to focus on besides some of the stress and sadness that has been occurring in our lives the last several months.  I am so looking forward to another slate of 16 games today!

Their picks

Every year we have had the kids fill our their own NCAA brackets.  In years past, they've usually chosen places they've been, or just things with which they were familiar, and one year Thomas even made sure who know the mascots of each one and chose based on that.  This year Robert's bracket is pretty straight forward and normal (although he is the first person I've seen with Iowa St. going to the Final Four).  I literally laughed out loud when Thomas handed me his bracket.  He has Dayton beating Harvard in the semi's before beating Arizona to win the national title.  We are very much Flyer fans in this family, and my uncle is a Harvard grad so Thomas is still going with what he knows!  As Catherine hands me her bracket, she says, "I couldn't decide who would win the final...Dayton or Michigan."  Since we are not only huge Flyer fans but very anti-Michigan in this house, I was astounded when she then added, "So I just went with Michigan."  Um, we simply don't choose Michigan in this house!  Thomas asked who she had picked and then said, "Seriously??"  Catherine responded with, "I'm just not sure Dayton has what it takes so I went with Michigan."  I'm completely amused that she doubts Dayton's ability but still has the #11 seed advancing to the finals!

The sports world

One of my favorite weekends of the year is coming up this weekend...NCAA tourney!  Andrew has taken a personal day for Thursday and Friday so that he can stay home and watch the games.  Our Flyers are even in this year!  It's going to be awesome!

And, in only two weeks, the baseball season will be officially underway.  That really makes it feel as though spring must certainly be on the way, although when Thomas and I were waiting for the bus this morning the wind chill was 11.  Not feeling too close at the moment, but we are on our way...the sports seasons tell us so!

Not what we'd planned for the weekend

We had an incredibly busy weekend planned.  But of course, Thomas awoke yesterday with a fever over 101.  I HATE fevers.  I never like my children to be sick, but for whatever reason, fevers just terrify me.  Fortunately, it has been very well controlled with ibuprofen, but it's still there this morning and he vomited when he first got up.  He mentioned yesterday morning and this morning that his throat hurt, but he said it went away after he got up yesterday so I attributed it to sinus...now I'm wondering about strep throat.  We had to adjust our plans for yesterday, and flat out cancel the ones for today.  I don't mind, although it was with friends we'd only seen once in the last eleven years, but hopefully we will be able to reschedule.  I just truly, truly hate having sick kids, and it's just contributing to my weariness lately!

Really, really long week

This has been an amazingly long week.  Yet, it pales in comparison to what the family of the young lady in my previous post is dealing with.  This town, and especially the school community are doing a tremendous job of rallying around them, but I can not fathom the depths of their grief.

Middle school is an absolutely horrible time of life.  I am not going to go into details, but suffice it to say it just completely stinks.  I remember back to my own childhood, and sixth grade was definitely the low point for me.  High school holds more opportunities, and it's really a chance to branch out a little more.  You aren't stuck in the "mold" you might've found yourself in during middle school.  We made the challenging decision of asking that Robert not be in Andrew's class.  It was a very tough decision.  As a parent, I want all three of my children to have Andrew.  My number one reason is that from everything I've heard, he is the best freshmen teacher, and of course I want my children to have the best.  But, we decided that we needed for Andrew to just be his father, and not to add even more issues to the challenges already on the table.

I am tired this morning.  I am tired to the core, and weary.  However, I am grateful that my heart is still full of gratitude and hope, and I'm grateful for my faith and the opportunity to pray.

An unspeakable amount of sadness

The heavy rain around here matches the mood in our hearts.  In all of our hustle and bustle yesterday, we learned a high school freshman had committed suicide.  Andrew did not have her in class and I did not know her, but Robert did and he is friends with her brother.  I do not know the circumstances surrounding her death, and honestly, it doesn't matter.  It is absolutely heartbreaking and there are no words to describe what her parents must be feeling.  I am certain it is 1000 times worse than what I could imagine.  Andrew was with the principals and counselors last evening when they were alerted, and I had to attend a meeting later with people who knew her well.  I did not speak about it until it was brought up, and then it was only to confirm that it was indeed accurate information.  Apparently this girl was the model student.  Many people said she was always smiling, was very popular, and was a leader in everything she did.  It is so very sad that there was apparently so much pain in her heart.

We sat down and had a long chat with Robert about it last evening.  Sadly, because so many teenagers passed away while I was in high school, I was able to provide him some insight into how teenagers react.  While I expect things to be mostly normal at his middle school, high school, especially in Andrew's freshmen classes, will be far from normal.  As I explained to Andrew, there is no "go-to game plan" for dealing with such a thing.  You just have to follow the kids' lead and go where it takes you.  Of course counselors will be available to all during the day.

Last evening I was even having trouble praying for the family.  I have an incredibly deep sense of faith, but praying for peace and comfort seemed futile...unattainable.  It's all I can do right now though, and I ask that you please join me in doing so.

Living in a bit of chaos again

One of my husband's dreams has always been to have a larger bed.  I don't particularly care one way or the other, and before we moved it would never have been an option.  The full sized bed we had barely fit up the stairs as it was.  Moving here however, provided possibilities, so half of this year's tax refund is officially spent.  I do acknowledge it will be nice to have a new mattress and box springs, as the one we'd been sleeping on is pretty old.  However, it isn't as simple as "out with the old, in with the new."  We asked Catherine if she wanted our bed and I was surprised that she did.  She has a fabulous bed that my uncle made for my cousin, but it's a twin and she wanted a larger bed.  So we will need to tear down her old one and put ours back together in her room.  However, she has the newer and nicest mattress and box springs set, so Robert is getting it.  I can't take his bed apart however, until I am able to move our old mattress out of the way...and you see how it goes.  Honestly, I think I've done a pretty fabulous job considering I've been doing it by myself.  Of course this is the evening that Andrew won't be home until about 6:30, as I'm walking out the door for a meeting, but we'll get it done eventually!

Lots of fun

We've been having a lot of fun around here lately, at least up until yesterday (another post...or maybe not at all...it involves kids' poor choices).  Last Thursday one of my life-long friends came down to spend the day with me for his birthday.  We had lots of laughs, and there is pretty much no one in the world who knows me as well as he does.  That evening Robert had a band concert.  My mom brought my grandmothers down and everyone was very impressed with how they sounded.  Friday Catherine had ball practice and then we enjoyed a nice family dinner and evening.  Saturday was scouts and basketball, which although we all had "bleacher butt", was a great day.  Sunday we attended church (another post as well) and Thomas had a friend over early that afternoon.  We then drove to our family's favorite restaurant Montgomery Inn.  There is no question that is absolutely our favorite place to eat as a family.  The kids always enjoy it, and the fact that we can only afford to go once a year makes it a special treat!  We even got to listen to the Reds game on the radio on the drive there and back.  It was a really great family weekend!

Basketball champs!

Yesterday was a long day in this house.  It began with Andrew taking Robert to our former town for a two-hour scouting function.  Shortly after they returned, we were off for our afternoon of basketball tournaments.  Five games and five victories later, we had two league champions living in our home!

I was so excited for the kids...so excited I couldn't sleep last night!  I was so happy for them.  My kids were by no means the best players on their teams, but they were blessed enough to be along for the ride.  We hit the jack pot with the coaches and teammates, and it was just an absolutely great season.  I loved watching Thomas jump into the air when his team won the final game!  He even told me later, "Mom, I was so excited when we won that I cried a little."  Oh my goodness, I love these children!

Hole in my heart

Today I was walking through Meijer getting my weekly shopping completed.  I was on the search for a headlight that is burnt out on Andrew's car, and I stumbled upon fishing poles.  I was unprepared to stand there and tear up in the grocery, and yet that is exactly what I did.  My dad loved fishing...it was his favorite hobby, and a connection that he shared with Robert.  I hadn't thought about all of the things that would remind me of Dad and how much they would hurt.  It's been 3-1/2 months, and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever get through a day without crying at some point.  It seems so selfish, because he was so very, very sick, but it is what it is.

And that led me to understand that I have a hole in my heart, and I always will.  It's much, much bigger than the ones that my grandfathers and other loved ones have left, but I realize that those holes are still there too.  Having children (or someday, grandchildren) doesn't fill those holes, but I believe that our hearts do grow bigger and we are able to have even more love in our lives...but the holes left by our dear loved ones are still there.  Somehow, realizing that is comforting.

A really beautiful day

Today is truly an absolutely beautiful day.  I walked Thomas to the bus stop this morning, then did my morning exercise (part of Lent, which I shall post about another time).  Shortly after, I was off to the grocery.  I loved the fact that I had all of the things I needed to get done today finished by 11:30!

And the weather is so nice as well.  I believe it is supposed to be in the 50's today and lots of sun.  And of course the fact that it is a Friday is just icing on the cake!

Reservations made!

Andrew and I just made reservations for our summer vacation.  After showing Andrew the budget with me not working, and knowing all of the things we want to do for the house, we both decided that this year's vacation was going to be scaled back dramatically from last year.  But honestly, I am just as excited, if not even more so!  No thirteen hour drives to the beach this year.  We have booked a two bedroom suite in a hotel in Columbus for three nights!  I am certain that doesn't sound very exciting to very many people, but it is to us!  There is so much to do around the Columbus area, and we've never done most of them.  The important thing is that we will save BIG time on gas and will only have four days of meals to plan for.  The hotel has free breakfasts and plenty of room for everyone to spread out.  It is going to be a really great experience.  It was very important to us that we take an opportunity to make fun memories with our kids while not breaking the bank.  I think this is an excellent start to that!  And of course, it's nice to think about warmer weather!

In like a lion...

Yep, everyone is home again today.  There really aren't words to describe my feelings for winter at this point.  It is what it is.  The part that really stinks is that everyone will now be in school on what will undoubtedly be a gorgeous day in June.

I have, however, decided there is no way we are all spending the day with electronics.  There will be board games or there will be reading, or playing, or crafting but there will not be computers, iPads, and TV all day.

I know that since March has arrived there is bound to be some decent weather (I should note, however, there is none in the five-day-forecast), but it definitely came in 'like a lion' this year!!!!

Still adjusting

Last evening was a prime example that Andrew and I have not completely adjusted to our new town...there is still some ways to go in that regard.  We attended the annual athletic boosters fundraiser.  I had been looking forward to it all week.  An evening out with adults sounded divine!  I am struggling a bit with the fact that not only do I not have any friends here, but this winter has been so brutal that I can't really be out.  My "old" friends aren't that far away, but in this weather it's too far.  I knew that we would know many people last night and I was really looking forward to that.

I acknowledged before we left that I was tired.  Robert had to be at a scouting function in our old town which required us to leave our house about 7:15 in the morning.  We then had a day full of basketball games and errands, and of course another trip back to our old town early afternoon to retrieve Robert.  But still, I was looking forward to the evening.

About an hour into it though, I was wondering how much longer we had to stay.  The kids were all tired and I was afraid they might implode on each other if left alone too long, and frankly, I was bored.  We did know several people there, especially Andrew, and he did a wonderful job of introducing me.  However, not one single person there could I consider a friend.  There was only so much small talk I could make throughout the course of the evening, and then it became evident nothing was left to say...and usually the person I was chatting with had friends and would move on anyway.  Andrew was very understanding when I decided it was time to go, and surprisingly, he felt the same way I did.  He knew many people there, but agreed it was mostly just small talk that grew awkward after time.  Obviously we still have a ways to go with making friends, and I'm hoping that we will be able to do so.  We are very blessed to have wonderful friends not too terribly far away, but it would be so very nice to be able to have some right here in town!