The floodgates opened

After I wrote Saturday about car shopping and my Dad, the floodgates of my emotions kind of opened.  I was so emotional about everything, and Robert was unprepared to walk into the living room and see me sitting there crying.  In all honesty though, it was probably overdue.  Nothing at all is major, but there have been several little things that are causing me stress and as little things add up, sometimes it just needs to come on out.  I firmly believe, and have faith, that everything is going to work out, and there honestly is no reason to think that it won't.  At the same time, it's okay to spend a little bit of time allowing a good cry.

Very little sleep

Saturday night my fan that provides white noise started rattling in the middle of the night.  It rattled for about 20 minutes and then stopped.  Because it was a weekend, I wasn't going to turn it off.  I was fairly certain my husband would be able to sleep through it.  And then of course I didn't think about it again...until 1:00 this morning when it started rattling again.  Because today is school, I didn't want my husband to be irritable so I got up and turned it off.  I then proceeded to hear EVERYTHING that happened in our house.  Robert coughed a little (never would've heard it with the fan on), Andrew snored a lot (most of it would've been drowned up by the fan) and I could hear the cats around the house.  I had gone to be before 10:00, but because of the way I function it was nearly 10:30 before I fell asleep.  I definitely need more than 2-1/2 hours of sleep.  By 3:00 I was praying that I would fall asleep again, and I finally did and was able to get another 90 minutes or so, although it was very fitful.  I am subbing at the high school today, and then after school need to run some errands for the band.  This evening I had agreed to work in child care for a program that is being run by the school.  I should finally be home by 9:30 this evening.  It is definitely going to be a really long day.

Buying a vehicle without my dad

Yesterday we had Andrew's car in for an oil change.  Andrew was concerned about the brakes, and it turns out that isn't even half of the issue.  He needs new front and rear brakes, a new battery, new tie rods, and new springs (because part of one literally fell off when they put the car up to change the oil).  This is all to the tune of about $1200.00.  Because the car is a 2008 Malibu with over 130,000 miles,we've decided it isn't worth those repairs and it is time to car shop.  This is not at all what we wanted, but it is what needs to happen.  Of course, this only adds to the guilt I'm feeling about not working more.  There just aren't any jobs available right now, and there is nothing I can do about that, unless I'm willing to go outside the district or actually get a "real" job.  Right now, we are trying to avoid that because both Andrew and I want me home with the kids after school, and the flexibility to do the appointments and things like that.

Anyway, Andrew has jumped into researching with both feet, and I admire him for that.  I was gung ho about it last evening, but today my emotions have gotten the better of me.  Car shopping is synonymous with my dad in my world. When I was a child, my parents had no money.  For entertainment, my dad would drive my sister and me around to various car lots.  I could identify makes and models at a very young age.  My father could make deals on cars like you wouldn't believe.  As I got older and my dad made more, car buying became his hobby.  At one point we owned six vehicles and there were only four of us living in the house!  My dad could make such great deals that he could often purchase a car, drive it for six months to a year, and sell it for just about the same as he paid for it.  And he took care of cars like no one else.  He absolutely loved lining them all up and washing them.  Because we lived on Main St. in my hometown...everyone knew when it was Bob's car washing day!

As I started buying cars on my own, Dad always enjoyed hearing about it.  Because of his lack of mobility with his illness, he stopped the car browsing so he enjoyed hearing about it from others.  The last vehicle we purchased was over five years ago, about 22 months before he died.  When he was able to ride in the van he kept raving about how nice it was and was so pleased we had made a good deal.  I could tell he was not only pleased, but proud.  Then again, Dad was always proud of us girls.

This is the first car experience without him, and I'll be honest, the tears are flowing.  I didn't know after over three years it could still feel so fresh., but suddenly the grief is right there again.  I'm so grateful for the memories though!

His first solo trip

Robert officially became a licensed driver last evening.  We completed the task on our way to visit friends in our former town, so he didn't have the opportunity to drive.  However, we need to pick up Andrew's car from the shop (and that is an entirely separate post) so I sent Robert to taxi Andrew there and then he will be driving home on his own. He will be in the car for less than four miles, but I'll be honest, I'm trying not to vomit.  It is absolutely an entirely different level of worrying...and goodness knows I know how to worry!

Life in this house

We are approaching the end of February, which is generally one of my least favorite months.  I can't complain much this year because it has gone quickly, and we've had spring weather.  Tomorrow that changes, but it's been really nice out for a week.

I didn't work as much as I would've like in February.  I really hoped to be off today and I was, and I feel guilty about it.  As a mom, my guilt-o-meter feels very high all of the time, which I hope is just the month.

We have a few plans for the weekend and I'm hoping for a chance to relax with my favorite people in the whole world...my husband and kiddos.  I think we need it.

He passed his driving test

Yesterday Robert made the second attempt at receiving his driver's license.  He has passed the driving portion last week, but needed to pass the maneurverability.  Andrew took him right after school and he passed!  Unfortunately, my husband neglected to take his own wallet with him so Robert wasn't allowed to actually get his license.  Ugh!!!!!  I felt so badly for Robert, and so did Andrew.  It definitely took the wind out of his sails...not to mention that I was hoping Robert could take Thomas to youth group tonight.  We will be able to take him tomorrow and it will all work out, but it would be nice if we didn't have to make the extra trip.  He wanted to go this evening but has track practice so tomorrow he will officially be a licensed driver!

Third lock down in six weeks

This is becoming absolutely ridiculous.  The high school is currently on the third lock down in six weeks thanks to a bomb threat.  I hate that this is happening, and it needs to end!!  This is absolutely ridiculous.  They arrested someone in the one that happened last week, so clearly this is not that same person.  While I know that it is most likely a hoax, I absolutely hate the thought that it could be something worse.  I hope they find this person and throw the book at him/her as well!

Born to label

For Christmas, I had asked my grandmother for a label maker.  Specifically, I wanted to label my photo albums.  I have always been diligent about printing and identifying my photos and putting them into photo albums.  This goes back to being in elementary school...and definitely matches my "TypeA" personality.  I finally broke out the label maker this week and I love it!  I was born to label!

Not a relaxing long weekend

I had really hoped this weekend would be very relaxing.  It is quickly shaping up to be the opposite.  Part of that is just my anxiety though.  Andrew has left with the youngest two to visit his parents.  He has absolutely no concept of the thoughts I have about this.  It is literally one of the most terrifying things I experience because of my anxiety.  He forgets though, that I'm the one that suggested he go.  I'm the one putting myself through this because I want him to visit his parents.  I'm forcing myself to try to get past it...but I need him to leave on time and not be driving in the dark.  He doesn't understand and while I'm grateful for that, it's also hard for him to be sensitive to my feelings about it.

In addition, Robert and his girlfriend have had a big fight.  Ultimately I think everything will turn out okay, but it's hard.  It's really hard as a parent to watch your kid be hurt.  And with Robert, we have the added fear that hurting, or the ultimate breakout, will cause him to revert to his former ways.  That is just not something I can imagine going through again.  I've offered to have her over tomorrow so they can spend some time together and hopefully have a way to work things out.

This evening Robert and I are working at the swim meet, and then I am looking forward to being home and relaxing afterwards!

Happy four day weekend

I am so, so excited about this weekend!  It's not totally relaxing as Andrew has parent/teacher conferences this weekend (crappy scheduling, if you ask me) and we have two days of working as volunteers at swim meets (required even though the season is over).  Andrew is taking Catherine and Thomas to his parents for a couple of days so they won't be here.  But on the upside, we don't have to set the alarm any earlier than 8:30 all weekend...that's sleeping in over three hours!!!!!!  And there are two days where we don't have to set an alarm at all.  I think I'm in heaven!

New phones

Our family has finally joined the world of smart phones.  It was time to switch cell plans as we had been paying way too much, for very little, for way too long.  And I was ready to just be completely done with contracts.  My mom wanted nothing to do with a smart phone, but to be honest, she rarely uses her phone.  We decided to go with a prepaid phone for her which I definitely think will be the best decision for her.

We decided since we were changing we would just go ahead and get each kid their own phone.  Andrew and I have them pretty well locked down so they can't use too many features, but that will change as they get older and prove themselves responsible.  Because we are not people who need the "latest and greatest", we were able to get a really good deal on good phones that we are comfortable using.  Our cell phone bill has also decreased by 30%.  We are all very happy people!

It's a little unnerving

Yesterday's lock down ended up lasting about 90 minutes.  Overall it wasn't an awful experience for me, but that's because I didn't have a class.  I was stuck with three young people, two of whom I already knew.  Now we've bonded and know each other even better!  However, it's still not an experience I want to repeat.  An arrest was made last evening and that certainly helps to make us feel better.  We are unsure if it is connected to the one last month or not.  From the perspective of a teacher/sub, the school handles things wonderfully.  From the perspective of a parent, I know they want to keep the kids safe and I don't question that.

However, Catherine mentioned to me that she had received an email from Thomas and that he was aware what had happened.  When Thomas arrived home from school, he mentioned that he had received the news and thought about how both of his parents, as well as his sister, were in a building with a bomb threat.  While they've become so common we are all pretty certain nothing will come of it, it broke my heart to think of my little guy worrying about 3 our of the 4 of his immediate family members.  And it made me angry.

Today I am back at the high school. I wasn't supposed to be here until this afternoon, but they asked me to come in and cover some for this morning.  In addition to the SRO who is normally here in the morning, the second SRO was here as well.  To be honest, I found the added police to be unnerving, although I suspect the intent was the exact opposite.

I am looking forward to our four day weekend when I don't have to worry about things like this...at least I hope!

My first real lockdown

I am in at the high school for just an afternoon...just a half day...and we are on a lock down.  It's actually not been the worst scenario as I'm technically at lunch so I have no official responsibilities.  Three students (two of whom I know) were eating lunch in the classroom, so we are all stuck in here together.  Apparently there is a bomb threat on a note in a bathroom somewhere in the building.  While I've had some odd teaching experiences, this is my first real lock down...and it's an experience I could do without.

This year's Valentine's Day

This year we are spending Valentine's Day as we do most others...not doing anything particularly exciting.  Andrew and I had dinner together over the weekend and that was a combination of our anniversary and Valentine's Day celebration.  As frugal people, I appreciate being able to combine the two!  Catherine has a dentist appointment right after school and then we will be home for the evening.  Andrew has an activity after school, then he will be home.  I'm so grateful for another evening where we are mostly home, and I'm grateful for the family to share it with!

We had another great weekend

We had another truly fabulous weekend together, other than the sadness of losing Wally on Friday.  That evening, we brought in some tacos and decided we needed to binge watch some "Big Bang Theory" episodes that we knew would make us laugh.  Saturday I had to be up early to get Catherine to the bus for her swim meet, but I had a tremendously productive day.  Andrew took Thomas to a youth group activity, and I think it was good for them, but especially Thomas, to be able to have fun and not think about being sad.  Catherine was home early enough that Andrew and I were able to go for an early dinner as a joint Valentine's Day/anniversary celebration.  We tried an Italian restaurant in town, and it was a nice dinner out.  We were home by 7:30, which gave us the opportunity to have some champagne and not be up too terribly late.  The kids were watching their shows and we were watching our shows, and everyone was in bed wonderfully early.

Yesterday morning the power went out about 1/2 hour before we needed to get up for church.  It made our morning a little interesting in terms of limiting breakfast choices, but fortunately it was generally daylight enough that it didn't really cause any problems.  Andrew and I attended a Rel. Ed committee meeting after church, took the kids out for a late lunch, and accomplished a few things at home before I pretty much sat on my rear end the rest of the day.  Since we had eaten so late and Robert had to work (and Andrew went to school as well) we didn't worry about a big dinner and just all ate when we were hungry.  It was truly a fabulous weekend together!

We have an evening together

I'll be honest, I am so very excited about our evening...even though it's a Monday!  Once everyone is home from school (probably in about 2 hours) no one has to leave the house again today.  It almost seems too good to be true!  The thing I think is sweet is that the kids are just as excited about it as I am.  Robert and Catherine are very pleased to be finished with swim practices.  No one has a meeting, no one has a practice, no one has anything after school!  I worked both at an elementary school and at the church today, but I've changed into my sweats.  These are the kind of evenings that make Mondays not seem so awful!

Overall, our week is pretty light.  Robert won't start track conditioning until Thursday (and possibly next week) so we are officially between seasons.  AND, it's only a four day week!  Everyone is off both Friday and Monday (although there are swim "volunteer" requirements Friday & Saturday) so it definitely feels lighter this week.  Even when track begins it is right after school so it won't be so bad either...everyone will be home by 5:30.  I am looking forward to family dinners again!

Six weeks into the year

I can't really believe that six weeks ago today was the first day of the year.  I really just can't believe how quickly time has flown by.

Part of the reason is the crazy work schedule I've had, and part of it is definitely the kids' swim schedule.  I am so excited to be finished with swim and to have all the swimming things put away for a few months.

I've told everyone this is a week off...heading into a long weekend!  Woohoo!

So quiet around here, and it's just not the same

Wally was by far our most vocal cat, and it's just not the same around here.  Lincoln and Rosie realize things have changed.  Yesterday, Lincoln didn't leave Thomas's side during the day.  Lincoln seems to miss his buddy, even though Wally was way too old to every play with him.  All of us, even the other two cats, miss him.

Wally Boone (his middle name) was definitely the funnier of my first two cats.  He was named after Wally Szczerbiak, an NBA player from my alma mater, and Aaron Boone, my favorite baseball player.  He loved playing in the water, and he loved the laser pointer.  Wally was just so full of life, and I'm very grateful that he stayed rather healthy and strong until the end.  I am so grateful for all of the years we were able to love him! 

We had to say goodbye to Wally

It's been a really long week, but especially the last 24 hours.  Our oldest cat, Wally, had developed a thyroid problem about a month ago.  We had been giving him meds, and Tuesday evening he was at the vet for a checkup.  Not sure, what happened, but he came home and vomited for several hours.  The treats he was given before he left for the vet that evening were the last thing he ate.  He was still drinking and still very mobile, but he was quickly losing weight.  I told Andrew last evening that I was pretty sure it was time.  He called and was able to get an appointment at the vet this afternoon.  We waited until all of the kids' activities were finished last night before we told them what we thought was happening.  Thomas, especially, was heartbroken.  He and I cried and cried together for a while.  He was so emotional and stayed up so late last evening that I even let him stay home from school together.  To be honest, I appreciated the distraction of having him around today.  Andrew and I went together to the vet this afternoon, although I remained in the car while Andrew was with Wally.  I'm so grateful his suffering was minimal.  In fact, he seemed absolutely fine except for not eating.  I'm grateful it is the beginning of the weekend so that we can all just kind of hangout this weekend and enjoy each other.  We've been doing some reminiscing, and although it hurts a little right now, we have so many good memories.  We are also so grateful for Lincoln and Rosie who help us keep our minds on other things!

Not enough caffeine

There doesn't seem to be enough caffeine to keep me awake today.  Unfortunately, I'm subbing so sleeping is not an option.  I had really hoped for a delay this morning, although I was pretty sure the dusting of snow wasn't going to get it done.  I was right.

It's been a long week.  I've worked Monday, yesterday, and today in a classroom that has some challenges.  The three morning classes are fabulous and I've come to have a good rapport with the kids.  The afternoon classes are rough, and one class is downright awful.  It's a mentally draining afternoon.  I refuse to allow those hooligans to chase me away though, especially since I enjoy the morning students so much.

In addition, I've had to work at the church this week and our new secretary is learning the process very slowly.  I had a dentist appointment and Catherine had an orthodontist appointment.  I had to make a trip to my home town to help my mom with a cell phone issue, I had a meeting last night, and tonight I am volunteering with Thomas's youth group.  The kids still have swim, and I'm grateful Andrew has been such a huge help with everything.  I know this is nothing that most parents aren't dealing with, but I am sure am tired right now!

Starting to think we might not have any snow days

The weather has been so mild this winter.  My heating bills don't complain, but a snow day, or even a delay, sure would be nice.  We've had two decent snows this winter, both of which occurred in the afternoon hours and did lead to some free evenings as activities were cancelled.  We are supposed to get about an inch of snow tonight, but it's falling this evening and before Midnight, so that isn't going to get us anywhere either.  So disappointing!  I just checked the 10 day forecast and while I know that beyond just a couple of days it can be unreliable, there are no temps in that forecast that would get us a snow day even if there were to be precipitation.  After only having two snow days last year I thought we'd be due for a good amount this year but I was wrong...and it's so disappointing!

Another year of marriage

Andrew and I have been married another year.  Honestly, I feel more and more grateful for him each year.  I'm so grateful that my marriage is even stronger than I ever imagined it could be.  Our day is unbelievably crazy, and I'm not sure that we will spend more than about an hour together this evening.  I'm working at the high school today and this teacher eats the same lunch as Andrew, so we will get to eat lunch together.  That's pretty much my favorite thing about subbing here!  We are hoping to have an opportunity to have a nice dinner out this weekend, but we'll have to see how things go.  I'm just so grateful for this life we have together!

Hoping she can find her niche

Catherine is getting ready to schedule for next year.  I can't believe we are already talking about her sophomore year of high school, but that is reality!  We've encouraged her to take a class that is run by the local career tech school that is basically a form of life skills.  We are really hoping that Catherine is able to find something that might be her niche...and we don't seem to have found it yet.

I long ago recognized that Catherine is not our athlete.  Part of it is the fact that she is willing to complete the expected activities and practices, but she is not interested in putting in any additional effort.  Cross country ended years ago, and she has also decided to not participate in track this year.  She still enjoys swim, but her size is a detriment...and she just isn't that strong.  Marching band was a challenge for her, which surprised us.  Apparently though, she is unable to march and play at the same time.  Hopefully there will be some improvement this year, but last year it just never clicked for her.  She loved participating in drama as an eighth grader, and we really thought drama and performing might be her thing.  She didn't get a part in the fall play though, and struggled a bit through her drama class first semester.  She has decided not to participate in the spring musical.  I can't blame her for wanting to take the spring off because in addition to swim, she participated in mock trial this winter as well.  She worked on it, although not as committed as some of the others, and apparently had a very difficult time at the competition.  The adviser is a close colleague of Andrew's and I know that she would never be completely honest if she thought Catherine wasn't cut out for it, but she did suggest some other things Catherine might want to consider.  I feel badly that she has struggled, but I'm grateful she has tried so many things.  I'm also grateful we are at a school where there are still many different things she can attempt!

It was a wonderful family weekend

This weekend worked out even better than we had originally planned.  I'm so grateful for the time with my kids.

On Friday, Catherine had pepband and Andrew had dinner with a friend then went to the game.  I got Robert to and from swim practice, then the boys and I hung out at home.  Robert has been fighting a cold so he had NyQuil, and everyone was in bed early.  Everyone slept over nine hours, and Catherine and Thomas slept over twelve hours.  We needed that.

I spent Saturday cleaning the house.  We were supposed to have company and I wanted things picked up.  Robert was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend since we had plans for the evening.  I was able to be hugely productive, and early afternoon our friends had to cancel because of illness in their family.  We were disappointed, but I was also excited about the opportunity to spend time just with our family.  We ordered a few pizzas, and the kids decided they wanted to watch Big Bang Theory.  They hadn't seen much of season 9 so we binged watched several episodes.  I love, love, love listening to my kids laugh.  Everyone had an early morning at church yesterday, so they went to bed early on Saturday as well.

Yesterday after church we ran a few errands.  Andrew spent the afternoon at school planning for the week and Robert had to be at work at 5.  No one wanted to eat out last evening though, and he was off by 7.  Our family watched the game together, although since we aren't fans of either team (although I can't stand the Patriots...NOT happy with the outcome) everyone went to bed early since this is the last week of swim and it's important to stay healthy.

I'm so grateful to have had these opportunities.  I never miss the chance to soak them up!

Remembering what I want

Yesterday when Thomas and Catherine arrived home from school, we sat and chatted about their day.  Robert arrived home half hour later, and we did the same as well.  I was so grateful for those moments.  And I remembered that there is nothing I do that is more important right now than being "mom".  Thomas even mentioned he prefers the days when I'm home when he gets home.  I told Andrew that it's time I go back to being picky about the sub jobs I take and not only did he agree, he was very happy to hear it.  I'm so very grateful for his support in this.  In just five years, my youngest will be only months from graduating high school.  These days are going to fly by like I can't even imagine, and when it happens, I don't want to look back and think about how I was always working.  I don't want Andrew to always be working either.  I'm so grateful that we share the priority that time together is so important to us!

So very grateful today is Friday!

I am absolutely grateful that today is Friday...more grateful than I can really put into words.  This evening, Robert has two hours of swim practice and Catherine has pep band for the basketball game.  Andrew is having dinner with a friend and then hanging out at the game.  Thomas and I are just going to hang out at home and do our thing.  I think we can even have some fast food for dinner.  Everyone should be home by 9:30, 10:00 at the absolute latest, and then I can go to bed.  I can even sleep eleven hours if I want to.  I know that I am unlikely to do that, but I truly can't put into words how tired I feel these days.  The 5:00 A.M. wake up call has been rough all year, but then having to be at work by 7:00 on most days just adds onto it.  I know that Thomas misses being able to play basketball or have art classes, but we are all grateful for the opportunity to sleep in on Saturdays.  In fact, I might even be able to take a nap this afternoon!

Trying to find that balance

I'm trying to find balance as a working mom.  I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job with it.  With some expenses coming up and three full weeks off at Christmas, I am trying to work as much as I can.  That often means that I need to go to the church after finishing at school.  Or it might mean that I take an elementary job which means I get home later in the afternoon.  I just feel it's what I need to do.  However, I am reminded that being mom is still my first priority.  Catherine has been asking each day if I will be home when she gets home.  I've been trying to make sure that I am home at least every other day, and not be out of the house two days in a row.

I also worry about Thomas.  He's been much less cheerful, and even one of his teachers mentioned it to me last week.  So much so, that he was so happy in class one day this week that she felt it was noteworthy enough to send us an email.  I think the last couple of months have taken a bit of a toll on him.  Our entire focus has been on swim.  Every evening, two kids had swim (and Catherine had mock trial many times as well) so our focus was really on how logistics were going to work.  One or two evenings a week Thomas, Andrew, and I might have sat down for dinner but many nights things were just thrown together whenever there was time.  He's been spending a lot of time by himself while the rest of us were running around, and he's missing his brother and sister, especially Catherine.  I suspect he may also be sensitive to the lack of sunshine that is happening this time of year, and we've had plenty of cloud cover during the few daylight hours that do happen.

I'm trying very hard to be more present with all of my children.  This is exactly the reason I've been hesitant to resume working...I don't want to lose my focus as a parent.  I'm hoping I can keep everything in perspective and find the right balance!

Where did January go?

I really can't believe an entire month has flown by in the new year.  It just doesn't feel like that much time has passed!  If I had to answer the question though, it would probably be "to the pool".  Swimming has been exhausting, but such a wonderful experience for the kids.

The other thing is that there have been no snow days or delays!  No extra sleep for this family...and we could use some!  I'm really starting to think this is going to be like five years ago where there was not one single snow day (except for the kids and me who had norovirus days but nobody wants that!).  There is nothing in the forecast that indicates we might get some time off and that is so disappointing.  Hopefully something comes along soon!