A year ago tomorrow

Tomorrow marks one year of a day that represents a tough situation.  While I know the rest of my family remembers the day as well, none of them could tell you the exact date, but I can.  I don't want to "air dirty family laundry", but I do want to explain some things.

It was a bright, warm Saturday.  We had absolutely nothing on our calendar.  With two active teens involved in band, swim, job schedules, and other summer fun, an "empty" day is rare (at least until the virus hit).  We had some chores we wanted to accomplish, but no set schedule.  It was a fun family day just being at home.  Our plans for the evening included watching a movie together.  I vividly remember us sitting together as Thomas suddenly exclaimed, "Robert is married!"  He had found some information on social media.  Catherine and Andrew gasped.  I remember not being at all surprised, but that doesn't mean I wasn't hurt.  He had been gone 52 weeks at that point, and honestly, this was the day I think I kind of realized we were pretty much going to be going forward as a family of four.

Catherine reached out to him about this, and none of us heard from him for weeks.  I should have seen the writing on the wall.  He never would give us a mailing address of where he actually lived, just his official military address.  We didn't always have a current phone number for him.  I (in an effort to be hopeful) kind of assumed it was because he was out of the country and things didn't always work like they did here.  Robert had been an incredibly challenging teen, but we had always hoped some maturity and discipline from the military would help with his decision making, and we hoped some distance might help us to have a better relationship.

As weeks went on, we learned about so very many things he had not told us, or had flat out lied to us about since he had left for the Navy (including the fact he had been married six months before we found out).  His wife reached out to us at one point, and she seemed like a lovely young lady.  I knew very little about her, but we all wanted to be open-minded.  To this day, I truly know almost nothing about her.  I have no opinion of her.

Sadly, things did not get better with Robert.  We would hear from him, but usually only when he needed something, and that thing was pretty much always money.  The extended family was very hurt when they didn't hear from him at the holidays in any way...no card, no emails, not even a thank you for the generous gifts shipped to him.  We know he received the packages because he cashed the checks!  He never reached out to anyone in the family when relatives passed.  Many in the extended family were less than pleased by his behavior, especially in this day of easy communication.

Through it all, I can't say Andrew or I were surprised.  We knew there was a pretty good chance that Robert would one day be estranged from us for whatever reason.  We also knew it would be his choice.  We will never burn a bridge or refuse communication.  However, he has to want to be a part of the family.  We can't force him.  We took solace in that no matter what, he was not only a productive, tax-paying member of society, but he was serving our country.

Sadly, in February it seems as though his choices (which had apparently continued to be poor) caught up with him.  The Navy decided to part ways with him.  While he has not reached out to us since January (Thomas did receive a text February 1) we do know where he is and that he is safe.  He has let it be known that he wishes to completely separate from us.  Again, not surprised, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at times.  The most heart-wrenching part has been watching my other two children try to understand and process this.

I am putting this all out there because I kind of feel like sometimes it is the elephant in the room.  This is the story.  This will most likely be the last I write about Robert specifically, because at this point, this is where the story ends with him.  As his parents, we will never close the door completely on him.  He is our son and we love him.  As adults, Andrew and I are also able to recognize that sometimes life is better without drama and toxic relationships.  If Robert ever chooses to be a functioning part of this family, he will be welcome.  In the meantime, our little family of four is still full of much love, and we are blessed to have such an amazing extended family, and so very many supportive friends-like-family!