I'll be honest, my emotions are absolutely all over the place right now. I am grieving the death of my father's friend, who in many ways was like a second father to me...and of course I think of my own father and grieve with him, and know it won't be terribly long before our own family faces this struggle.
It is Sunday morning which of course is church morning. I have always preferred my conversations and relationship with God to be one of a personal nature...I prefer to be private in this regard. Therefore, the "community" of the church and worship is not comforting to me. It is a ritual that in some cases is so automatic to people that it holds no real meaning. I absolutely find my faith to be comforting in times of sadness. However, I do not find myself being surrounded by strangers to be of any comfort at all. This leads to a "gap" in my relationship with my husband, but I am grateful that he accepts that my beliefs are what they are.
I'm probably rambling. I truly feel my thoughts as well as my emotions are just like a ping-pong ball. I am grateful for the support of my family and good friends on days I feel like this!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
It was unexpected
We had a very nice morning. We attended the area Alzheimer's Association walk with our very dear friend "Uncle Nick" whose father passed away from this horrible disease. It could not have been a more beautiful morning for the walk, and it was so nice being able to spend time visiting as well!
We had just left and were on our way home when my phone cell rang. I was completely unprepared for the words from my mother. My father's boss/dear friend (also my former boss) had passed away suddenly this morning. While we knew he had just been diagnosed with cancer this week, many indications were good and just this past Thursday had been full of good news for him. It just wasn't meant to be though, and his kidneys began to fail from the chemo treatment. He faded quickly overnight and passed this morning, surrounded by many family members.
I just can't believe we are going to bury this man who has been such a huge part of my life for over 30 years...especially as my own father is so ill. On that front, Dad is very upset, and I know that isn't good for him either. I just can't wrap my head around this...it wasn't supposed to be this way.
We had just left and were on our way home when my phone cell rang. I was completely unprepared for the words from my mother. My father's boss/dear friend (also my former boss) had passed away suddenly this morning. While we knew he had just been diagnosed with cancer this week, many indications were good and just this past Thursday had been full of good news for him. It just wasn't meant to be though, and his kidneys began to fail from the chemo treatment. He faded quickly overnight and passed this morning, surrounded by many family members.
I just can't believe we are going to bury this man who has been such a huge part of my life for over 30 years...especially as my own father is so ill. On that front, Dad is very upset, and I know that isn't good for him either. I just can't wrap my head around this...it wasn't supposed to be this way.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
It just got to be too much
Yesterday was a pretty rough day...start to finish. I awoke in an absolutely horrible mood. While I think that was in some part due to being exhausted (Reds went into extra innings the night before), I think it also had something to do with the really bad dreams I had during the night. I can still vividly see those dreams right now. This is not terribly uncommon for me, but these dreams involved my children, and that feeling just stuck with me.
We had a pretty wretched morning of getting ready. I refuse to allow the kids to wait for the bus in the dark without me keeping an eye out, and Andrew thinks I'm completely over reacting. I've asked if he could take the kids to school with him and have them catch a bus there so I could sleep a little longer. Since he feels I'm over reacting, he refuses to do this, and points out that if he takes them, they'll be "in his way." I certainly understand that feeling, because I HAD to take them with me, pretty much EVERY DAY I'VE WORKED in the last three years. You can see where that little point might set me off a bit.
Anyway, I'm still working on painting our old house, so I get ready to head out right after Thomas gets on the bus. My tire pressure light comes on. I go to dig out the air compressor, and realize the VERY HEAVY equipment is above my head where I can't reach it. AGH! I find something to stand on, and also found it very ironic that a box I asked Andrew to put somewhere (anywhere!) three times over the course of the previous week that he had finally gotten to the evening before, was stacked right on top of it. I finally get the thing set up and realize I have no pressure gage so I'm going to have to guess which tire it is. They all looked fine, so I try one tire. Light still comes on. Second tire...light still comes on. Third tire...still there. So of course it is the fourth (and final!) tire that does the trick.
There is tons of "tree work" happening on the back roads between here and our old town. It takes a ridiculously long time to get there. As I'm getting ready to wash my hands for lunch (I pack it each day) I realize that our water has been turned off by the guy who had come to fix a valve. Not a problem, I know where the main valve is, except that does absolutely nothing. It quickly becomes clear that he has turned the water off somewhere else, but I don't know where, and I can't reach the guy. Honestly, the fact that I couldn't wash my hands to eat lunch was more than I could handle and I just began to cry.
About this time, the sciatic nerve that has been screaming at me for days begins to scream even louder, and a migraine begins to come on. Since I can't wash out the paint brushes, I find a Ziploc bag and bring them home. I really wanted to take a quick nap, but realize that Thomas has to get off the bus before Andrew arrives home with the other two, and the driver must see an adult for Thomas to be allowed off the bus. I understand this and I'm not complaining, but it stunk at that point.
When Andrew arrives home he informs me that he has received a call from the person at Catherine's school who is now responsible for her IEP. That person had informed Andrew that they would like to dismiss her from services. I was not surprised by this, as when we handed them the IEP at registration we were told they don't offer those services. This person tells Andrew that she has spoken to Catherine's teachers and they don't see a need for her to receive services. Excuse me? She is speaking to people who have known my daughter for exactly five weeks. And it's the beginning of the year...the first week doesn't even count! Add on how much more that is just review, and I'm supposed to be okay with just letting it go? At her old school, her three year re-eval was just completed in May. Everyone there agreed that Catherine would benefit from continued services...people who had worked with Catherine ALL YEAR and in the case of the speech pathologist, FIVE YEARS! Their opinions hold a whole lot more credence with me than people who have known her a month.
While discussing this with Andrew, my mother calls. When I call her back, she informs me that a very good friend of my dad, whom I've known since the third grade, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. He is 71, and they say that it is so advanced there is no point in surgery at this point. That was it. That was the last straw for me, and I began to weep. I just needed to be by myself for awhile and allow myself to cry it out (although I'd been pretty teary for most of the day).
Strange/frustrating things continued into the evening. After doing laundry, I noticed a puddle of water on the laundry room floor. We aren't exactly certain where it came from, although there does seem to be a small leak at one of the hoses. Then shortly after the kids went to bed, we heard a crashing sound from Catherine's room. No one can explain why, but her floor lamp suddenly fell over and broke. She was in bed, although I suppose a cat could've been involved.
I went to bed very early last night. We also made some changes to our morning routine so that I can get a little bit of extra sleep each morning. And extra innings or not, I've got to be in bed no later than 10...it's just the way my body functions (or doesn't, if I don't get enough sleep). I'm happy to report that today I woke up feeling so much better and in a much better mood. I only got teary-eyed once, and that was when I stopped at the old school to drop something off. All-in-all, it's a much better day!
We had a pretty wretched morning of getting ready. I refuse to allow the kids to wait for the bus in the dark without me keeping an eye out, and Andrew thinks I'm completely over reacting. I've asked if he could take the kids to school with him and have them catch a bus there so I could sleep a little longer. Since he feels I'm over reacting, he refuses to do this, and points out that if he takes them, they'll be "in his way." I certainly understand that feeling, because I HAD to take them with me, pretty much EVERY DAY I'VE WORKED in the last three years. You can see where that little point might set me off a bit.
Anyway, I'm still working on painting our old house, so I get ready to head out right after Thomas gets on the bus. My tire pressure light comes on. I go to dig out the air compressor, and realize the VERY HEAVY equipment is above my head where I can't reach it. AGH! I find something to stand on, and also found it very ironic that a box I asked Andrew to put somewhere (anywhere!) three times over the course of the previous week that he had finally gotten to the evening before, was stacked right on top of it. I finally get the thing set up and realize I have no pressure gage so I'm going to have to guess which tire it is. They all looked fine, so I try one tire. Light still comes on. Second tire...light still comes on. Third tire...still there. So of course it is the fourth (and final!) tire that does the trick.
There is tons of "tree work" happening on the back roads between here and our old town. It takes a ridiculously long time to get there. As I'm getting ready to wash my hands for lunch (I pack it each day) I realize that our water has been turned off by the guy who had come to fix a valve. Not a problem, I know where the main valve is, except that does absolutely nothing. It quickly becomes clear that he has turned the water off somewhere else, but I don't know where, and I can't reach the guy. Honestly, the fact that I couldn't wash my hands to eat lunch was more than I could handle and I just began to cry.
About this time, the sciatic nerve that has been screaming at me for days begins to scream even louder, and a migraine begins to come on. Since I can't wash out the paint brushes, I find a Ziploc bag and bring them home. I really wanted to take a quick nap, but realize that Thomas has to get off the bus before Andrew arrives home with the other two, and the driver must see an adult for Thomas to be allowed off the bus. I understand this and I'm not complaining, but it stunk at that point.
When Andrew arrives home he informs me that he has received a call from the person at Catherine's school who is now responsible for her IEP. That person had informed Andrew that they would like to dismiss her from services. I was not surprised by this, as when we handed them the IEP at registration we were told they don't offer those services. This person tells Andrew that she has spoken to Catherine's teachers and they don't see a need for her to receive services. Excuse me? She is speaking to people who have known my daughter for exactly five weeks. And it's the beginning of the year...the first week doesn't even count! Add on how much more that is just review, and I'm supposed to be okay with just letting it go? At her old school, her three year re-eval was just completed in May. Everyone there agreed that Catherine would benefit from continued services...people who had worked with Catherine ALL YEAR and in the case of the speech pathologist, FIVE YEARS! Their opinions hold a whole lot more credence with me than people who have known her a month.
While discussing this with Andrew, my mother calls. When I call her back, she informs me that a very good friend of my dad, whom I've known since the third grade, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. He is 71, and they say that it is so advanced there is no point in surgery at this point. That was it. That was the last straw for me, and I began to weep. I just needed to be by myself for awhile and allow myself to cry it out (although I'd been pretty teary for most of the day).
Strange/frustrating things continued into the evening. After doing laundry, I noticed a puddle of water on the laundry room floor. We aren't exactly certain where it came from, although there does seem to be a small leak at one of the hoses. Then shortly after the kids went to bed, we heard a crashing sound from Catherine's room. No one can explain why, but her floor lamp suddenly fell over and broke. She was in bed, although I suppose a cat could've been involved.
I went to bed very early last night. We also made some changes to our morning routine so that I can get a little bit of extra sleep each morning. And extra innings or not, I've got to be in bed no later than 10...it's just the way my body functions (or doesn't, if I don't get enough sleep). I'm happy to report that today I woke up feeling so much better and in a much better mood. I only got teary-eyed once, and that was when I stopped at the old school to drop something off. All-in-all, it's a much better day!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I'm tired and grumpy
Yes, yes I am. I am tired and grumpy, and quite honestly, getting a little resentful. Some things have got to change around here or it's going to get very unpleasant, very fast. I love being "mom" and it truly is the best job in the world. However, "mom" is not maid/butler/cook/laundress, etc. I'm happy to do those things, but attitude, tone, and expectations go a long way in making life pleasant. And honestly, it's just as much my wonderfully dear husband as it is the kids...in some ways it's even more him than the kids. I'm tired of feeling disrespected, and I'm tired of crying.
Monday, September 23, 2013
New sleep routines
Last year on days I had to work, my alarm was set for 6:55. On days when I didn't have to work, we usually got up at 7:30 or shortly thereafter. This year, I'm losing hours of sleep each week. Andrew's alarm goes off a little before 5:30. I can pretty much ignore that, just as I did last year. However, my alarm now goes off at 5:55. I don't need to get up, but Robert and Catherine do, and that is Andrew's cue to get them up and moving. I then get up about 6:20 to watch them wait for the bus. That is LITERALLY the only reason I'm getting up. However, Andrew leaves for work before the bus arrives, and I'm not comfortable with them being out in the dark without an adult being up and with it. They are on the bus around 6:40, and I don't have to get Thomas up until 7:30 at the earliest (if I happen to be taking him to school for some reason it's even later). Some mornings I love that almost hour of quiet time, and some mornings I go back to bed for another half hour or so of sleep. I'm in bed by 10 many evenings and last night it was just after 9:30. I'm so tired so much of the time, and I'm especially concerned when I go back to work. We are going to have to come up with a different plan. I'm pretty sure that plan is going to involve Andrew taking Robert and Catherine with him to school (they switch buses at the high school anyway) on days I know that I'm working so I can get some more sleep. He resists this because he feels they would be in the way. As someone who has had my children with me pretty much every day I've had to work I understand what he is saying, but at the same time I don't particularly feel sorry for him...I did it for three years and he can step up and handle it now. In the meantime, I guess I'll just enjoy my second cup of coffee for the day!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Struggling with forgiveness
In addition to all of the other emotions I've been feeling lately, I am struggling with forgiveness and I don't like how it's making me feel. I am truly struggling with my feelings about Andrew's friend, the baseball coach. Honestly, Andrew has pretty much put it out of his head and doesn't think about it...that's the kind of person he is. At the same time, I'm the one who personally encountered him at a scout function a few weeks ago, and I don't like awkward situations. There is also the fact that I talk to his wife about once a week and text with her several times a week, and each time I always feel like there is a giant elephant in the room that we never discuss. And of course there is the fact that we have the same group of friends. It's certainly not as though we've discussed this situation with those friends because we aren't going to sit around and "bad mouth", but that also means that everyone is assuming that we are all going to attend the same functions, and honestly that is a little uncomfortable.
I am tired of being "haunted" by this feeling, and I'm just not sure how to let go. I don't like anger building up. I truly want to forgive and move past it. Things will never be as they were, but I don't want to be angry every time I think about this situation. We have six years of good memories that I can't seem to enjoy right now because I'm so angry. I'm sure this guy isn't losing any sleep over the situation and probably doesn't even care about my forgiveness because he seems pretty convinced he didn't do anything that should offend us. I just don't like conflict in my life!
I am tired of being "haunted" by this feeling, and I'm just not sure how to let go. I don't like anger building up. I truly want to forgive and move past it. Things will never be as they were, but I don't want to be angry every time I think about this situation. We have six years of good memories that I can't seem to enjoy right now because I'm so angry. I'm sure this guy isn't losing any sleep over the situation and probably doesn't even care about my forgiveness because he seems pretty convinced he didn't do anything that should offend us. I just don't like conflict in my life!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Living in a college town
When we decided to move here, one of my biggest apprehensions was raising our kids in a college town. I am by no means naive about the shenanigans of college students, and XX years ago (let's not go into exactly how long ago) I was a student at this very university. One of the reasons I really like the location of our house is that we are about a mile outside of town, and while that presents other challenges, in the long run I think it's for the best in terms of raising a family.
Since this community is truly a small town built around the school, it is not exactly designed to have 16,000 extra residents. I completely understand that pedestrians have the right to walk in the cross walk and that I am to yield to them when they are in the cross walk. However it does NOT give them the right to walk out in front of me, particularly when I have a green light and they have the "big red hand" indicating they are to stop. Going through campus during the day (and unfortunately, "through campus" is the ONLY way we can get into town without driving MILES out of our way...although we've done that on certain days) requires sitting through stoplights more than once. It was both terrifying and infuriating as I was trying to get to Thomas at the hospital last week. Nothing is simple if it involves a trip into town. There is also the fact that there is no parking anywhere near the place you might actually wish to patronize. And don't get me started on the prices at some of the stores because we have thousands of college students who don't shop elsewhere...YIKES!
But there are also some good things about living in a college town. There are many amenities available that most small towns don't have. There are additional opportunities, both in the schools and in the community at large, that are here because of the college. Because of the college, this is an extremely diverse school district and I think that is wonderful for the kids...they NEVER would have had that before we moved here. They will get to see Division I basketball and football games regularly, and college level drama and music performances. They've already had professors and college athletes visit their classrooms. And I have wonderful memories of how beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, this campus and community are in the fall when the leaves are changing.
That is what I was thinking about last week as Thomas, Catherine and I were walking to our car after shopping for a gift for my mother-in-law. I was noticing how there was definitely a nip in the air, and I was thinking about how much fun Saturday afternoons will be when the team is playing at home. I was feeling grateful that I didn't have to leave town in order to shop and was able to accomplish everything I wanted to get done right here in town. I was really beginning to feel at peace and almost allowing myself to enjoy and appreciate the college atmosphere...then Thomas tripped over a broken beer bottle. Lovely.
Since this community is truly a small town built around the school, it is not exactly designed to have 16,000 extra residents. I completely understand that pedestrians have the right to walk in the cross walk and that I am to yield to them when they are in the cross walk. However it does NOT give them the right to walk out in front of me, particularly when I have a green light and they have the "big red hand" indicating they are to stop. Going through campus during the day (and unfortunately, "through campus" is the ONLY way we can get into town without driving MILES out of our way...although we've done that on certain days) requires sitting through stoplights more than once. It was both terrifying and infuriating as I was trying to get to Thomas at the hospital last week. Nothing is simple if it involves a trip into town. There is also the fact that there is no parking anywhere near the place you might actually wish to patronize. And don't get me started on the prices at some of the stores because we have thousands of college students who don't shop elsewhere...YIKES!
But there are also some good things about living in a college town. There are many amenities available that most small towns don't have. There are additional opportunities, both in the schools and in the community at large, that are here because of the college. Because of the college, this is an extremely diverse school district and I think that is wonderful for the kids...they NEVER would have had that before we moved here. They will get to see Division I basketball and football games regularly, and college level drama and music performances. They've already had professors and college athletes visit their classrooms. And I have wonderful memories of how beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, this campus and community are in the fall when the leaves are changing.
That is what I was thinking about last week as Thomas, Catherine and I were walking to our car after shopping for a gift for my mother-in-law. I was noticing how there was definitely a nip in the air, and I was thinking about how much fun Saturday afternoons will be when the team is playing at home. I was feeling grateful that I didn't have to leave town in order to shop and was able to accomplish everything I wanted to get done right here in town. I was really beginning to feel at peace and almost allowing myself to enjoy and appreciate the college atmosphere...then Thomas tripped over a broken beer bottle. Lovely.
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