Last spring just as school was ending, I learned my "dream job" was going to be available. The church we attend was losing it's secretary of 8-1/2 years. It was perfect in the sense that it was only 20 hours a week and right here in town. I was certain with my background I would be a strong candidate, and I was very excited. The best part was that it would start just as school was starting back up, so I would still have this past summer with my kids. My only concern was that it was every day, and I didn't love that thought, but still thought it to be ideal.
Then Mom really started to feel lousy. I had decided that it was best I not take an every day commitment. But then Andrew was so disappointed and I reconsidered. By the time I really got around to thinking about getting my resume together (I haven't needed one in over a decade!) they had already started interviewing and were about to make a decision. I told Andrew that was just the way it was meant to be.
And after today I am even more convinced of that. While Mom is getting better in the sense that she doesn't have daily treatments and her oncology appointments are monthly instead of weekly, it isn't over yet. She had a swallowing evaluation performed two weeks ago and learned that her esophagus had shrunk to the size of a pencil (I've since seen the pictures and that is overstating the size). Today we met with her GI doc, and he explained that while it can be stretched, it won't be as easy as originally hoped. Because of the size it has to be stretched in phases, and because of the location, the first phase has to be performed in the hospital. It will be outpatient, but in the hospital none-the-less. He estimates it will take 4-6 stages in order to get it stretched so that she will be able to eat again, and then have to be monitored to see if it needs to be re-stretched.
We were both disappointed in this news, although still grateful that something can be done about it. She had hoped to be eating again by the end of October, but now we are shooting more toward the holidays. As we left and I thought about all of the appointments that are ahead due to this, I took it as a sign. I made the right decision not pursuing the church job at this time. My mom needs me, and I am so grateful that I can be there for her!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
A year ago today
It has been exactly one year since my dad's best friend passed away. Dad was so heartbroken, and to be honest, he never really got over it and passed just 47 days later. One of the greatest comforts I have is my belief that Dad was greeted by him on his own passing. Again, it's been a hell of a year.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
An amazingly beautiful drive
Today we had nothing specific marked on our calendar, with the exception of Andrew having to work at the freshman football game. Since that fell right in the middle of the day, I decided it would be a great opportunity to take the kids up to see my mom. I know that she has really, really missed them, and although it can be tiring for her, we only stay about an hour so I try to make sure she has an opportunity to see them. We left here about 11:00 and headed north. We have had beautiful weather here this week with temps in the upper 70's/low 80's, virtually no humidity, and not a cloud in the sky. Today is no exception. For some odd reason*, the leaves are turning here about two weeks earlier than normal, and today's drive up was absolutely gorgeous. I am so grateful we made the effort to get up there. It was a great visit for everyone, and the scenery was breathtaking!
*The meteorologists are claiming that the leaves are changing because we have had one of the driest Septembers on record. That may be true, but there is also a "meteorological rumor" that we are going to have another really hard Winter and get our first big snow storm in October (unheard of around here)! I am hoping that the leaves changing is not a foreshadowing that the trees know something we don't know!
*The meteorologists are claiming that the leaves are changing because we have had one of the driest Septembers on record. That may be true, but there is also a "meteorological rumor" that we are going to have another really hard Winter and get our first big snow storm in October (unheard of around here)! I am hoping that the leaves changing is not a foreshadowing that the trees know something we don't know!
Friday, September 26, 2014
Mom guilt is tough
Last weekend my husband and I were having a conversation about my working, and he admitted he really enjoys having me at home. I have such a peaceful feeling about being at home, especially this last year of having an elementary student, as well as managing my mom's many doctor appointments. But then I look at our budget, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why I'm not out there doing more to contribute to our budget. We are by no means going broke...we have been blessed to make smart choices and accumulate a decent amount of savings. But this past 15 months since I last worked has seen us eat into that savings, although that did table off this year after we got the other house sold. Yesterday two things happened, that while it made me grateful my kids have realistic expectations of life, also made me feel VERY guilty about not working.
The first was after running some errands. We had to refill a Rx at Kroger, and Thomas asked if he could look at the Halloween costumes. I reminded him that we don't spend $20 on store bought costumes and he understood. He found a costume he really liked and since it was only $10 and checked off one thing to deal with, I agreed. I was even more delighted when my customer loyalty card gave me another $2 off! Our rule in our house is beginning in 7th grade the trick-or-treating days are over...I've never been a fan of teenagers begging for candy (let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the entire Halloween experience, but that's another story). So in my world, only Thomas needed a costume and that was done.
As we were driving home, Thomas asked how much money we had spent at the grocery. I asked why he was asking, and he mentioned that he was wondering if we had enough money "left over" to buy Catherine the costume she really liked. Oh goodness, talk about pulling at heartstrings! My reasoning for not buying the costume was not at all based on money, but rather because of our house rules. However, I talked it over with Andrew and we agreed that since Robert has a football game that evening and it will just be the younger two and myself, that I would go get Catherine that costume today and surprise her when she gets home.
The second incident happened later in the evening. Robert has another away football game this evening. He has cross country practice right after school, and then has about 1/2 hour until the marching band bus leaves for the football game. We had been bringing him a sub from Subway for dinner on those nights to make sure that he had something decent in his stomach. Last evening he offered to pack himself extra food instead of us bringing him a sub. He said, "I know that doing that all the time adds up. I don't mind just bringing an extra lunch for dinner." Again, oh the tugging on the heartstrings! I told him that we don't mind bringing him dinner and we want to make sure he has a meal on those long evenings.
So this is leading me to a tremendous amount of guilt! First is the guilt of not working and adding to the family income, and secondly is the fact that my children are worrying about it. I plan to set them all down this weekend and explain that we have plenty of money to cover all of our needs, and I don't want them worrying about it. We also have plenty of money tucked away to cover some "wants" because we have always made very careful choices, and that as long as we continue to make careful choices we will be fine.
I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me to be the mother of these three amazing children. I'm pretty sure they teach me more each day than I teach them...and that is part of the reason I still want to be home with them as much as I can. And that of course leads to guilt about the budget...and well it's just a vicious circle! I am confidant though, that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to!
The first was after running some errands. We had to refill a Rx at Kroger, and Thomas asked if he could look at the Halloween costumes. I reminded him that we don't spend $20 on store bought costumes and he understood. He found a costume he really liked and since it was only $10 and checked off one thing to deal with, I agreed. I was even more delighted when my customer loyalty card gave me another $2 off! Our rule in our house is beginning in 7th grade the trick-or-treating days are over...I've never been a fan of teenagers begging for candy (let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the entire Halloween experience, but that's another story). So in my world, only Thomas needed a costume and that was done.
As we were driving home, Thomas asked how much money we had spent at the grocery. I asked why he was asking, and he mentioned that he was wondering if we had enough money "left over" to buy Catherine the costume she really liked. Oh goodness, talk about pulling at heartstrings! My reasoning for not buying the costume was not at all based on money, but rather because of our house rules. However, I talked it over with Andrew and we agreed that since Robert has a football game that evening and it will just be the younger two and myself, that I would go get Catherine that costume today and surprise her when she gets home.
The second incident happened later in the evening. Robert has another away football game this evening. He has cross country practice right after school, and then has about 1/2 hour until the marching band bus leaves for the football game. We had been bringing him a sub from Subway for dinner on those nights to make sure that he had something decent in his stomach. Last evening he offered to pack himself extra food instead of us bringing him a sub. He said, "I know that doing that all the time adds up. I don't mind just bringing an extra lunch for dinner." Again, oh the tugging on the heartstrings! I told him that we don't mind bringing him dinner and we want to make sure he has a meal on those long evenings.
So this is leading me to a tremendous amount of guilt! First is the guilt of not working and adding to the family income, and secondly is the fact that my children are worrying about it. I plan to set them all down this weekend and explain that we have plenty of money to cover all of our needs, and I don't want them worrying about it. We also have plenty of money tucked away to cover some "wants" because we have always made very careful choices, and that as long as we continue to make careful choices we will be fine.
I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me to be the mother of these three amazing children. I'm pretty sure they teach me more each day than I teach them...and that is part of the reason I still want to be home with them as much as I can. And that of course leads to guilt about the budget...and well it's just a vicious circle! I am confidant though, that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Living in this moment
One of the things I have been trying very hard to do is to be living, to be present, in each moment. I am trying to remember that I will never again get that particular moment back. I am trying to not dwell in the past and dread the future, or to look too forward to the future and ignore the present. The last year has taught me that no matter how blessed the past has been, the future is no guarantee. It has also taught me that no matter how rough things might seem at the moment, there is almost always something for which to be grateful.
It is because of this that I have so very desperately wanted to be home this year. I know that subbing is great part-time job because I never have to worry about Thomas and getting a sitter for him. But there was still that morning last week I couldn't have sat with him while he tried to pull himself together after being scolded, and we wouldn't have had this morning.
I got Thomas on the bus, and usually he is so busy chatting with his buddy Elliott that he never thinks twice about me standing there. This morning though, Elliott wasn't on the bus, and Thomas kept twisting and turning in his seat as the bus drove away to keep waving me. I watched that little hand wave and wave and wave until he was out of sight...and then I walked back to the house crying like a fool. Now before anyone goes to call the "little white jacket people", I'm fine. My heart was just so full of love and gratitude that I thought it might just burst. I am so amazingly grateful that I get to be the mother of these three amazing children, and the wife to my incredible husband. I am so grateful that I got to experience that moment, where my little guy didn't want to stop waving to me either, until his bus was out of sight. I want that snapshot of a memory to remain forever because there will come a day when, while I will always be their mother, I will not be needing to parent 24/7. They will have their own children and will be parenting their own little ones.
So I am planning to soak up all of the these little moments while I can.
It is because of this that I have so very desperately wanted to be home this year. I know that subbing is great part-time job because I never have to worry about Thomas and getting a sitter for him. But there was still that morning last week I couldn't have sat with him while he tried to pull himself together after being scolded, and we wouldn't have had this morning.
I got Thomas on the bus, and usually he is so busy chatting with his buddy Elliott that he never thinks twice about me standing there. This morning though, Elliott wasn't on the bus, and Thomas kept twisting and turning in his seat as the bus drove away to keep waving me. I watched that little hand wave and wave and wave until he was out of sight...and then I walked back to the house crying like a fool. Now before anyone goes to call the "little white jacket people", I'm fine. My heart was just so full of love and gratitude that I thought it might just burst. I am so amazingly grateful that I get to be the mother of these three amazing children, and the wife to my incredible husband. I am so grateful that I got to experience that moment, where my little guy didn't want to stop waving to me either, until his bus was out of sight. I want that snapshot of a memory to remain forever because there will come a day when, while I will always be their mother, I will not be needing to parent 24/7. They will have their own children and will be parenting their own little ones.
So I am planning to soak up all of the these little moments while I can.
Chilly mornings
I had made the comment to Andrew a couple of weeks ago that even though everyone was getting up at the same time as last year, and for Catherine the bus comes even earlier, everyone still seems to have plenty of time in the mornings. We both mentioned though, that the really chilly mornings hadn't set in yet...those chilly mornings when it just feels so good to crawl back down and snuggle under the covers for just a few minutes more. Those are the mornings when it is really hard to get up and get going.
And we have definitely reached those mornings. The kids are on their sixth week of school. Nothing is new and exciting anymore, and everyone is really tired...and those chilly mornings make snuggling in bed just a little bit longer feel like the thing to do!
And we have definitely reached those mornings. The kids are on their sixth week of school. Nothing is new and exciting anymore, and everyone is really tired...and those chilly mornings make snuggling in bed just a little bit longer feel like the thing to do!
Saturday, September 20, 2014
I hate when they are disappointed
I absolutely hate when my kids are disappointed, although I completely understand it is a part of life. There was a miscommunication involving Catherine at school this week. An author was coming to visit, and the teacher said he was picking three students from his classes to have the opportunity to personally meet the author. A written essay was required to enter, and Catherine mentioned to me that only three kids from her class entered. She had taken her copy of a book the author had written and was excited to have the author autograph it. Unfortunately, it turns out that the teacher was choosing a total of three kids from all of his classes, not three from "each" class. I could see the disappointment in Catherine's eyes when she told me, and my heart just broke for her. I'm not at all mad at the teacher...this was simply a misunderstanding and these things happen.
I have always said my job as a parent is to teach my kids that these things happen and to make sure they understand how to cope with life being disappointing and even at times unfair. And while that is absolutely true, and in the grand scheme of life this will probably be forgotten quickly, it is still one of those parenting moments that pretty much stinks.
I have always said my job as a parent is to teach my kids that these things happen and to make sure they understand how to cope with life being disappointing and even at times unfair. And while that is absolutely true, and in the grand scheme of life this will probably be forgotten quickly, it is still one of those parenting moments that pretty much stinks.
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