Last weekend my husband and I were having a conversation about my working, and he admitted he really enjoys having me at home. I have such a peaceful feeling about being at home, especially this last year of having an elementary student, as well as managing my mom's many doctor appointments. But then I look at our budget, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why I'm not out there doing more to contribute to our budget. We are by no means going broke...we have been blessed to make smart choices and accumulate a decent amount of savings. But this past 15 months since I last worked has seen us eat into that savings, although that did table off this year after we got the other house sold. Yesterday two things happened, that while it made me grateful my kids have realistic expectations of life, also made me feel VERY guilty about not working.
The first was after running some errands. We had to refill a Rx at Kroger, and Thomas asked if he could look at the Halloween costumes. I reminded him that we don't spend $20 on store bought costumes and he understood. He found a costume he really liked and since it was only $10 and checked off one thing to deal with, I agreed. I was even more delighted when my customer loyalty card gave me another $2 off! Our rule in our house is beginning in 7th grade the trick-or-treating days are over...I've never been a fan of teenagers begging for candy (let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the entire Halloween experience, but that's another story). So in my world, only Thomas needed a costume and that was done.
As we were driving home, Thomas asked how much money we had spent at the grocery. I asked why he was asking, and he mentioned that he was wondering if we had enough money "left over" to buy Catherine the costume she really liked. Oh goodness, talk about pulling at heartstrings! My reasoning for not buying the costume was not at all based on money, but rather because of our house rules. However, I talked it over with Andrew and we agreed that since Robert has a football game that evening and it will just be the younger two and myself, that I would go get Catherine that costume today and surprise her when she gets home.
The second incident happened later in the evening. Robert has another away football game this evening. He has cross country practice right after school, and then has about 1/2 hour until the marching band bus leaves for the football game. We had been bringing him a sub from Subway for dinner on those nights to make sure that he had something decent in his stomach. Last evening he offered to pack himself extra food instead of us bringing him a sub. He said, "I know that doing that all the time adds up. I don't mind just bringing an extra lunch for dinner." Again, oh the tugging on the heartstrings! I told him that we don't mind bringing him dinner and we want to make sure he has a meal on those long evenings.
So this is leading me to a tremendous amount of guilt! First is the guilt of not working and adding to the family income, and secondly is the fact that my children are worrying about it. I plan to set them all down this weekend and explain that we have plenty of money to cover all of our needs, and I don't want them worrying about it. We also have plenty of money tucked away to cover some "wants" because we have always made very careful choices, and that as long as we continue to make careful choices we will be fine.
I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me to be the mother of these three amazing children. I'm pretty sure they teach me more each day than I teach them...and that is part of the reason I still want to be home with them as much as I can. And that of course leads to guilt about the budget...and well it's just a vicious circle! I am confidant though, that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to!
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