I'll be honest, my emotions are absolutely all over the place right now. I am grieving the death of my father's friend, who in many ways was like a second father to me...and of course I think of my own father and grieve with him, and know it won't be terribly long before our own family faces this struggle.
It is Sunday morning which of course is church morning. I have always preferred my conversations and relationship with God to be one of a personal nature...I prefer to be private in this regard. Therefore, the "community" of the church and worship is not comforting to me. It is a ritual that in some cases is so automatic to people that it holds no real meaning. I absolutely find my faith to be comforting in times of sadness. However, I do not find myself being surrounded by strangers to be of any comfort at all. This leads to a "gap" in my relationship with my husband, but I am grateful that he accepts that my beliefs are what they are.
I'm probably rambling. I truly feel my thoughts as well as my emotions are just like a ping-pong ball. I am grateful for the support of my family and good friends on days I feel like this!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
It was unexpected
We had a very nice morning. We attended the area Alzheimer's Association walk with our very dear friend "Uncle Nick" whose father passed away from this horrible disease. It could not have been a more beautiful morning for the walk, and it was so nice being able to spend time visiting as well!
We had just left and were on our way home when my phone cell rang. I was completely unprepared for the words from my mother. My father's boss/dear friend (also my former boss) had passed away suddenly this morning. While we knew he had just been diagnosed with cancer this week, many indications were good and just this past Thursday had been full of good news for him. It just wasn't meant to be though, and his kidneys began to fail from the chemo treatment. He faded quickly overnight and passed this morning, surrounded by many family members.
I just can't believe we are going to bury this man who has been such a huge part of my life for over 30 years...especially as my own father is so ill. On that front, Dad is very upset, and I know that isn't good for him either. I just can't wrap my head around this...it wasn't supposed to be this way.
We had just left and were on our way home when my phone cell rang. I was completely unprepared for the words from my mother. My father's boss/dear friend (also my former boss) had passed away suddenly this morning. While we knew he had just been diagnosed with cancer this week, many indications were good and just this past Thursday had been full of good news for him. It just wasn't meant to be though, and his kidneys began to fail from the chemo treatment. He faded quickly overnight and passed this morning, surrounded by many family members.
I just can't believe we are going to bury this man who has been such a huge part of my life for over 30 years...especially as my own father is so ill. On that front, Dad is very upset, and I know that isn't good for him either. I just can't wrap my head around this...it wasn't supposed to be this way.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
It just got to be too much
Yesterday was a pretty rough day...start to finish. I awoke in an absolutely horrible mood. While I think that was in some part due to being exhausted (Reds went into extra innings the night before), I think it also had something to do with the really bad dreams I had during the night. I can still vividly see those dreams right now. This is not terribly uncommon for me, but these dreams involved my children, and that feeling just stuck with me.
We had a pretty wretched morning of getting ready. I refuse to allow the kids to wait for the bus in the dark without me keeping an eye out, and Andrew thinks I'm completely over reacting. I've asked if he could take the kids to school with him and have them catch a bus there so I could sleep a little longer. Since he feels I'm over reacting, he refuses to do this, and points out that if he takes them, they'll be "in his way." I certainly understand that feeling, because I HAD to take them with me, pretty much EVERY DAY I'VE WORKED in the last three years. You can see where that little point might set me off a bit.
Anyway, I'm still working on painting our old house, so I get ready to head out right after Thomas gets on the bus. My tire pressure light comes on. I go to dig out the air compressor, and realize the VERY HEAVY equipment is above my head where I can't reach it. AGH! I find something to stand on, and also found it very ironic that a box I asked Andrew to put somewhere (anywhere!) three times over the course of the previous week that he had finally gotten to the evening before, was stacked right on top of it. I finally get the thing set up and realize I have no pressure gage so I'm going to have to guess which tire it is. They all looked fine, so I try one tire. Light still comes on. Second tire...light still comes on. Third tire...still there. So of course it is the fourth (and final!) tire that does the trick.
There is tons of "tree work" happening on the back roads between here and our old town. It takes a ridiculously long time to get there. As I'm getting ready to wash my hands for lunch (I pack it each day) I realize that our water has been turned off by the guy who had come to fix a valve. Not a problem, I know where the main valve is, except that does absolutely nothing. It quickly becomes clear that he has turned the water off somewhere else, but I don't know where, and I can't reach the guy. Honestly, the fact that I couldn't wash my hands to eat lunch was more than I could handle and I just began to cry.
About this time, the sciatic nerve that has been screaming at me for days begins to scream even louder, and a migraine begins to come on. Since I can't wash out the paint brushes, I find a Ziploc bag and bring them home. I really wanted to take a quick nap, but realize that Thomas has to get off the bus before Andrew arrives home with the other two, and the driver must see an adult for Thomas to be allowed off the bus. I understand this and I'm not complaining, but it stunk at that point.
When Andrew arrives home he informs me that he has received a call from the person at Catherine's school who is now responsible for her IEP. That person had informed Andrew that they would like to dismiss her from services. I was not surprised by this, as when we handed them the IEP at registration we were told they don't offer those services. This person tells Andrew that she has spoken to Catherine's teachers and they don't see a need for her to receive services. Excuse me? She is speaking to people who have known my daughter for exactly five weeks. And it's the beginning of the year...the first week doesn't even count! Add on how much more that is just review, and I'm supposed to be okay with just letting it go? At her old school, her three year re-eval was just completed in May. Everyone there agreed that Catherine would benefit from continued services...people who had worked with Catherine ALL YEAR and in the case of the speech pathologist, FIVE YEARS! Their opinions hold a whole lot more credence with me than people who have known her a month.
While discussing this with Andrew, my mother calls. When I call her back, she informs me that a very good friend of my dad, whom I've known since the third grade, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. He is 71, and they say that it is so advanced there is no point in surgery at this point. That was it. That was the last straw for me, and I began to weep. I just needed to be by myself for awhile and allow myself to cry it out (although I'd been pretty teary for most of the day).
Strange/frustrating things continued into the evening. After doing laundry, I noticed a puddle of water on the laundry room floor. We aren't exactly certain where it came from, although there does seem to be a small leak at one of the hoses. Then shortly after the kids went to bed, we heard a crashing sound from Catherine's room. No one can explain why, but her floor lamp suddenly fell over and broke. She was in bed, although I suppose a cat could've been involved.
I went to bed very early last night. We also made some changes to our morning routine so that I can get a little bit of extra sleep each morning. And extra innings or not, I've got to be in bed no later than 10...it's just the way my body functions (or doesn't, if I don't get enough sleep). I'm happy to report that today I woke up feeling so much better and in a much better mood. I only got teary-eyed once, and that was when I stopped at the old school to drop something off. All-in-all, it's a much better day!
We had a pretty wretched morning of getting ready. I refuse to allow the kids to wait for the bus in the dark without me keeping an eye out, and Andrew thinks I'm completely over reacting. I've asked if he could take the kids to school with him and have them catch a bus there so I could sleep a little longer. Since he feels I'm over reacting, he refuses to do this, and points out that if he takes them, they'll be "in his way." I certainly understand that feeling, because I HAD to take them with me, pretty much EVERY DAY I'VE WORKED in the last three years. You can see where that little point might set me off a bit.
Anyway, I'm still working on painting our old house, so I get ready to head out right after Thomas gets on the bus. My tire pressure light comes on. I go to dig out the air compressor, and realize the VERY HEAVY equipment is above my head where I can't reach it. AGH! I find something to stand on, and also found it very ironic that a box I asked Andrew to put somewhere (anywhere!) three times over the course of the previous week that he had finally gotten to the evening before, was stacked right on top of it. I finally get the thing set up and realize I have no pressure gage so I'm going to have to guess which tire it is. They all looked fine, so I try one tire. Light still comes on. Second tire...light still comes on. Third tire...still there. So of course it is the fourth (and final!) tire that does the trick.
There is tons of "tree work" happening on the back roads between here and our old town. It takes a ridiculously long time to get there. As I'm getting ready to wash my hands for lunch (I pack it each day) I realize that our water has been turned off by the guy who had come to fix a valve. Not a problem, I know where the main valve is, except that does absolutely nothing. It quickly becomes clear that he has turned the water off somewhere else, but I don't know where, and I can't reach the guy. Honestly, the fact that I couldn't wash my hands to eat lunch was more than I could handle and I just began to cry.
About this time, the sciatic nerve that has been screaming at me for days begins to scream even louder, and a migraine begins to come on. Since I can't wash out the paint brushes, I find a Ziploc bag and bring them home. I really wanted to take a quick nap, but realize that Thomas has to get off the bus before Andrew arrives home with the other two, and the driver must see an adult for Thomas to be allowed off the bus. I understand this and I'm not complaining, but it stunk at that point.
When Andrew arrives home he informs me that he has received a call from the person at Catherine's school who is now responsible for her IEP. That person had informed Andrew that they would like to dismiss her from services. I was not surprised by this, as when we handed them the IEP at registration we were told they don't offer those services. This person tells Andrew that she has spoken to Catherine's teachers and they don't see a need for her to receive services. Excuse me? She is speaking to people who have known my daughter for exactly five weeks. And it's the beginning of the year...the first week doesn't even count! Add on how much more that is just review, and I'm supposed to be okay with just letting it go? At her old school, her three year re-eval was just completed in May. Everyone there agreed that Catherine would benefit from continued services...people who had worked with Catherine ALL YEAR and in the case of the speech pathologist, FIVE YEARS! Their opinions hold a whole lot more credence with me than people who have known her a month.
While discussing this with Andrew, my mother calls. When I call her back, she informs me that a very good friend of my dad, whom I've known since the third grade, has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. He is 71, and they say that it is so advanced there is no point in surgery at this point. That was it. That was the last straw for me, and I began to weep. I just needed to be by myself for awhile and allow myself to cry it out (although I'd been pretty teary for most of the day).
Strange/frustrating things continued into the evening. After doing laundry, I noticed a puddle of water on the laundry room floor. We aren't exactly certain where it came from, although there does seem to be a small leak at one of the hoses. Then shortly after the kids went to bed, we heard a crashing sound from Catherine's room. No one can explain why, but her floor lamp suddenly fell over and broke. She was in bed, although I suppose a cat could've been involved.
I went to bed very early last night. We also made some changes to our morning routine so that I can get a little bit of extra sleep each morning. And extra innings or not, I've got to be in bed no later than 10...it's just the way my body functions (or doesn't, if I don't get enough sleep). I'm happy to report that today I woke up feeling so much better and in a much better mood. I only got teary-eyed once, and that was when I stopped at the old school to drop something off. All-in-all, it's a much better day!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I'm tired and grumpy
Yes, yes I am. I am tired and grumpy, and quite honestly, getting a little resentful. Some things have got to change around here or it's going to get very unpleasant, very fast. I love being "mom" and it truly is the best job in the world. However, "mom" is not maid/butler/cook/laundress, etc. I'm happy to do those things, but attitude, tone, and expectations go a long way in making life pleasant. And honestly, it's just as much my wonderfully dear husband as it is the kids...in some ways it's even more him than the kids. I'm tired of feeling disrespected, and I'm tired of crying.
Monday, September 23, 2013
New sleep routines
Last year on days I had to work, my alarm was set for 6:55. On days when I didn't have to work, we usually got up at 7:30 or shortly thereafter. This year, I'm losing hours of sleep each week. Andrew's alarm goes off a little before 5:30. I can pretty much ignore that, just as I did last year. However, my alarm now goes off at 5:55. I don't need to get up, but Robert and Catherine do, and that is Andrew's cue to get them up and moving. I then get up about 6:20 to watch them wait for the bus. That is LITERALLY the only reason I'm getting up. However, Andrew leaves for work before the bus arrives, and I'm not comfortable with them being out in the dark without an adult being up and with it. They are on the bus around 6:40, and I don't have to get Thomas up until 7:30 at the earliest (if I happen to be taking him to school for some reason it's even later). Some mornings I love that almost hour of quiet time, and some mornings I go back to bed for another half hour or so of sleep. I'm in bed by 10 many evenings and last night it was just after 9:30. I'm so tired so much of the time, and I'm especially concerned when I go back to work. We are going to have to come up with a different plan. I'm pretty sure that plan is going to involve Andrew taking Robert and Catherine with him to school (they switch buses at the high school anyway) on days I know that I'm working so I can get some more sleep. He resists this because he feels they would be in the way. As someone who has had my children with me pretty much every day I've had to work I understand what he is saying, but at the same time I don't particularly feel sorry for him...I did it for three years and he can step up and handle it now. In the meantime, I guess I'll just enjoy my second cup of coffee for the day!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Struggling with forgiveness
In addition to all of the other emotions I've been feeling lately, I am struggling with forgiveness and I don't like how it's making me feel. I am truly struggling with my feelings about Andrew's friend, the baseball coach. Honestly, Andrew has pretty much put it out of his head and doesn't think about it...that's the kind of person he is. At the same time, I'm the one who personally encountered him at a scout function a few weeks ago, and I don't like awkward situations. There is also the fact that I talk to his wife about once a week and text with her several times a week, and each time I always feel like there is a giant elephant in the room that we never discuss. And of course there is the fact that we have the same group of friends. It's certainly not as though we've discussed this situation with those friends because we aren't going to sit around and "bad mouth", but that also means that everyone is assuming that we are all going to attend the same functions, and honestly that is a little uncomfortable.
I am tired of being "haunted" by this feeling, and I'm just not sure how to let go. I don't like anger building up. I truly want to forgive and move past it. Things will never be as they were, but I don't want to be angry every time I think about this situation. We have six years of good memories that I can't seem to enjoy right now because I'm so angry. I'm sure this guy isn't losing any sleep over the situation and probably doesn't even care about my forgiveness because he seems pretty convinced he didn't do anything that should offend us. I just don't like conflict in my life!
I am tired of being "haunted" by this feeling, and I'm just not sure how to let go. I don't like anger building up. I truly want to forgive and move past it. Things will never be as they were, but I don't want to be angry every time I think about this situation. We have six years of good memories that I can't seem to enjoy right now because I'm so angry. I'm sure this guy isn't losing any sleep over the situation and probably doesn't even care about my forgiveness because he seems pretty convinced he didn't do anything that should offend us. I just don't like conflict in my life!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Living in a college town
When we decided to move here, one of my biggest apprehensions was raising our kids in a college town. I am by no means naive about the shenanigans of college students, and XX years ago (let's not go into exactly how long ago) I was a student at this very university. One of the reasons I really like the location of our house is that we are about a mile outside of town, and while that presents other challenges, in the long run I think it's for the best in terms of raising a family.
Since this community is truly a small town built around the school, it is not exactly designed to have 16,000 extra residents. I completely understand that pedestrians have the right to walk in the cross walk and that I am to yield to them when they are in the cross walk. However it does NOT give them the right to walk out in front of me, particularly when I have a green light and they have the "big red hand" indicating they are to stop. Going through campus during the day (and unfortunately, "through campus" is the ONLY way we can get into town without driving MILES out of our way...although we've done that on certain days) requires sitting through stoplights more than once. It was both terrifying and infuriating as I was trying to get to Thomas at the hospital last week. Nothing is simple if it involves a trip into town. There is also the fact that there is no parking anywhere near the place you might actually wish to patronize. And don't get me started on the prices at some of the stores because we have thousands of college students who don't shop elsewhere...YIKES!
But there are also some good things about living in a college town. There are many amenities available that most small towns don't have. There are additional opportunities, both in the schools and in the community at large, that are here because of the college. Because of the college, this is an extremely diverse school district and I think that is wonderful for the kids...they NEVER would have had that before we moved here. They will get to see Division I basketball and football games regularly, and college level drama and music performances. They've already had professors and college athletes visit their classrooms. And I have wonderful memories of how beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, this campus and community are in the fall when the leaves are changing.
That is what I was thinking about last week as Thomas, Catherine and I were walking to our car after shopping for a gift for my mother-in-law. I was noticing how there was definitely a nip in the air, and I was thinking about how much fun Saturday afternoons will be when the team is playing at home. I was feeling grateful that I didn't have to leave town in order to shop and was able to accomplish everything I wanted to get done right here in town. I was really beginning to feel at peace and almost allowing myself to enjoy and appreciate the college atmosphere...then Thomas tripped over a broken beer bottle. Lovely.
Since this community is truly a small town built around the school, it is not exactly designed to have 16,000 extra residents. I completely understand that pedestrians have the right to walk in the cross walk and that I am to yield to them when they are in the cross walk. However it does NOT give them the right to walk out in front of me, particularly when I have a green light and they have the "big red hand" indicating they are to stop. Going through campus during the day (and unfortunately, "through campus" is the ONLY way we can get into town without driving MILES out of our way...although we've done that on certain days) requires sitting through stoplights more than once. It was both terrifying and infuriating as I was trying to get to Thomas at the hospital last week. Nothing is simple if it involves a trip into town. There is also the fact that there is no parking anywhere near the place you might actually wish to patronize. And don't get me started on the prices at some of the stores because we have thousands of college students who don't shop elsewhere...YIKES!
But there are also some good things about living in a college town. There are many amenities available that most small towns don't have. There are additional opportunities, both in the schools and in the community at large, that are here because of the college. Because of the college, this is an extremely diverse school district and I think that is wonderful for the kids...they NEVER would have had that before we moved here. They will get to see Division I basketball and football games regularly, and college level drama and music performances. They've already had professors and college athletes visit their classrooms. And I have wonderful memories of how beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, this campus and community are in the fall when the leaves are changing.
That is what I was thinking about last week as Thomas, Catherine and I were walking to our car after shopping for a gift for my mother-in-law. I was noticing how there was definitely a nip in the air, and I was thinking about how much fun Saturday afternoons will be when the team is playing at home. I was feeling grateful that I didn't have to leave town in order to shop and was able to accomplish everything I wanted to get done right here in town. I was really beginning to feel at peace and almost allowing myself to enjoy and appreciate the college atmosphere...then Thomas tripped over a broken beer bottle. Lovely.
All clear
I am so very grateful to report that Thomas received a clean bill of health at his follow-up cardiology appointment this morning. I was way more anxious about all of it than I had originally realized, and the fact that we saw the doctor an hour and ten minutes AFTER our scheduled appointment did not help. The doctor was very kind and I was very grateful that it was a pediatric cardiologist. He asked lots of questions and spent a great deal of time assessing the situation...but of course during it all never changed facial expression, never gave an indication of whether or not I should be alarmed. While he was listening to Thomas's heart and lungs, I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I exhaled when he gave the thumbs up and said, "everything seems perfectly normal."
His view on the scenario tends to follow what the e/r docs expressed...it was just one of those things. He did indicate that it could happen again, and that Thomas needs to be aware of his body and the warning signs. He suggested making sure Thomas begins drinking more liquids and consuming more salt. You read that correctly...more sodium is to be added to his diet. This seems odd, but he assured me it was the way to go. He must've thought I was crazy when I asked for suggestions, thinking there must be some sort of "healthy" sodium of which I'm aware. He responded that he needed to add table salt whenever possible, and "chips, doritos, and salty french fries are a gold mind." Okay then!
We also received very good news regarding a mole Andrew had removed last week. I was terrified by the looks of it, but the doctor was optimistic. Fortunately, the call came today that it was indeed benign.
I am so very, very grateful for the healthy blessings of our lives. I shall sleep better tonight!
His view on the scenario tends to follow what the e/r docs expressed...it was just one of those things. He did indicate that it could happen again, and that Thomas needs to be aware of his body and the warning signs. He suggested making sure Thomas begins drinking more liquids and consuming more salt. You read that correctly...more sodium is to be added to his diet. This seems odd, but he assured me it was the way to go. He must've thought I was crazy when I asked for suggestions, thinking there must be some sort of "healthy" sodium of which I'm aware. He responded that he needed to add table salt whenever possible, and "chips, doritos, and salty french fries are a gold mind." Okay then!
We also received very good news regarding a mole Andrew had removed last week. I was terrified by the looks of it, but the doctor was optimistic. Fortunately, the call came today that it was indeed benign.
I am so very, very grateful for the healthy blessings of our lives. I shall sleep better tonight!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Our (much needed) weekend
This weekend was very much needed in this house. The timing could not have been more perfect!
While we were on vacation, I noticed Andrew had a mole on his arm. The part that freaked me out was that it had a hair growing out of it. BIG ALARMS went off in my head. I insisted he make a doctor appointment when we got home. He did, and it was cut out on Friday. While we won't know until later this week, the doctor is very optimistic it was just a mole and nothing is malignant. Because of the procedure on Friday, Andrew took a sick day, and we spent the day finishing getting our house together. Still not entirely there, but enough we can sit and relax...and not "feel" the clutter piling around us. Andrew's parents arrived Friday evening and actually stayed with us, which they never felt comfortable doing at the old house. They very much enjoyed seeing our house and are so happy we've found such a great home for our family!
Saturday morning was Robert's cross country meet. Because it was a great distance away, Andrew took his parents and I stayed home to let the younger two sleep. Although the race wasn't a full two miles, Robert cut another two minutes off of his time. He is really loving this running thing! That afternoon was the school carnival where Thomas attends. He absolutely had a blast, and we got to meet the parents of the child who has invited him over. They are really nice people and it really helped me to feel at ease about sending Thomas to their house...and they are Steelers fans! After the carnival we attended Mass and then grabbed dinner. Thomas has been fading quickly in the evenings because he is still fighting a horrible cough/cold. It was wonderful to be able to visit with his parents after the kids were in bed, and especially to have his mother's thoughts and advice on things.
Yesterday we all SLEPT IN. I am so grateful for that! Andrew made an awesome brunch for all of us, then we took his parents on a quick trip to see some things. They wanted to get on the road shortly after noon, and Andrew and I sat down to watch football. It was so nice to actually be able to sit and not feel as though I needed to be running around getting something done. We still have our old house to work on, but we are really close to being able to list it for sale. Andrew and I even allowed ourselves to take a nap yesterday. The weather was gorgeous, and the nap was awesome. It was such a great day! And after the last several weeks, it was so very needed!
While we were on vacation, I noticed Andrew had a mole on his arm. The part that freaked me out was that it had a hair growing out of it. BIG ALARMS went off in my head. I insisted he make a doctor appointment when we got home. He did, and it was cut out on Friday. While we won't know until later this week, the doctor is very optimistic it was just a mole and nothing is malignant. Because of the procedure on Friday, Andrew took a sick day, and we spent the day finishing getting our house together. Still not entirely there, but enough we can sit and relax...and not "feel" the clutter piling around us. Andrew's parents arrived Friday evening and actually stayed with us, which they never felt comfortable doing at the old house. They very much enjoyed seeing our house and are so happy we've found such a great home for our family!
Saturday morning was Robert's cross country meet. Because it was a great distance away, Andrew took his parents and I stayed home to let the younger two sleep. Although the race wasn't a full two miles, Robert cut another two minutes off of his time. He is really loving this running thing! That afternoon was the school carnival where Thomas attends. He absolutely had a blast, and we got to meet the parents of the child who has invited him over. They are really nice people and it really helped me to feel at ease about sending Thomas to their house...and they are Steelers fans! After the carnival we attended Mass and then grabbed dinner. Thomas has been fading quickly in the evenings because he is still fighting a horrible cough/cold. It was wonderful to be able to visit with his parents after the kids were in bed, and especially to have his mother's thoughts and advice on things.
Yesterday we all SLEPT IN. I am so grateful for that! Andrew made an awesome brunch for all of us, then we took his parents on a quick trip to see some things. They wanted to get on the road shortly after noon, and Andrew and I sat down to watch football. It was so nice to actually be able to sit and not feel as though I needed to be running around getting something done. We still have our old house to work on, but we are really close to being able to list it for sale. Andrew and I even allowed ourselves to take a nap yesterday. The weather was gorgeous, and the nap was awesome. It was such a great day! And after the last several weeks, it was so very needed!
Friday, September 13, 2013
My parents
I had the honor of being present last night as my parents received the inaugural "Philanthropists of the Year" award by our hometown's Community Foundation organization. My mother has set on the board of this organization since I was a child, and my parents decided to become Legacy Donors with a fund that will be funded by my father's life insurance policy. My sister and I will be the advisers and distributors of the fund money. I had known for a week that my parents were receiving the award, and I made arrangements to be there as it was being presented. My father, of course, wasn't able to attend the ceremony, but my sister, aunt, and grandmother were there. My paternal grandmother knew about the award, but decided she wanted to stay close by my dad since he would be alone for a few hours. This organization is so special and important to my mom, and I'm so grateful I was able to be there for the presentation. I snuck in so that I could hear and see, but she couldn't see me until after the presentation. My mother literally wept when she was presented the award. Mom has won many awards over time, but because this one honored both she and Dad, it was especially emotional, and I know the fact that this was the very first one ever given added to that as well. I am so blessed with an amazing family!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I will NEVER forget that call
Yesterday when Thomas woke up he had an awful cough. I could tell that he didn't feel 100%, and since the heat indexes were supposed to be in the upper 90's I did think about keeping him home. However, it was picture day, and he is in an air-conditioned classroom (although the building is not...each room has a window unit) and so off he went. We had some after school scheduling conflicts so while Robert was at cross country practice Catherine would ride the bus home then we would pick up Thomas from school.
About 12:30 I heard my cell phone ring. I didn't get to it and at first kind of ignored it. Then I remembered Thomas hadn't felt so well and I thought I'd better check. Sure enough, the caller ID indicated it was his school and there was a voice message. My heart stopped when I heard the caller explain I needed to call because there was an "emergency." That was the exact word. I called back, although of course I couldn't dial and the phone didn't work correctly. I couldn't even remember my name when I called (I suddenly reverted back to my maiden name!). When I finally got in touch with someone I was told, "Thomas collapsed and we've called the squad." He is on his way to the hospital." I remember asking if he was conscious at that point and the woman explained she didn't know because she wasn't with him. I ran to my room to throw on some clothes other than the shabby things I had been wearing to clean, and immediately dialed my husband's cell. I had thought he was still in his plan period. I accidentally hung up on him while calling and called right back. The good news is that our "code" if he is in class (and it turned out he was) if there is an emergency is keep calling until he answers. I explained the situation, and he was out the door as fast as he could be.
The drive to the e/r here in town was the longest of my life. I don't remember crying, but I remember feeling an increasing amount of panic, and I remember lots of praying. I remember being VERY irritated at college students who kept walking out in front of me. I remember running into the e/r lobby then seeing an ambulance pull up and running back out. It wasn't him though. The emt's explained he was already in. I ran back in and someone sitting at check-in asked if I was Thomas's mom. The school nurse had accompanied him to the hospital and assured me he was doing fine at that time. There is some confusion as to whether or not he ever actually lost consciousness, but apparently he was absolutely pale white and not recovering quickly. Apparently this incident had occurred as they were coming in from recess and getting ready for lunch. Anyway, the immediately took me to him, and while he looked terrified, he was awake and alert and aware, and to this mother's eyes he had never looked better. They ran blood work and started an IV. They also had him hooked up to a heart monitor and did a chest xray and a EKG. They even ran a strep test.
All of the tests came back absolutely fine. Good news, right? Not so fast! This particular doctor was simply not comfortable dealing with a pediatric patient, and especially one who arrived in the e/r with the coloring (or lack thereof) Thomas had. He decided we needed to be transferred to a Children's Hospital and kept overnight for observation. We had already made arrangements for the older two kids to be with my aunt & uncle for the evening, and I immediately began to plan how we were going to handle an overnight admittance. Thomas wanted his dad in the ambulance with him, and I would follow behind. Andrew would then come home and get the other two and take care of them for the night and I would stay with Thomas. That is also when my emotions began to get the better of me, and I just had to excuse myself and let myself cry for a minute. It all just felt so overwhelming at the time, especially with all of the other emotions (all of which seemed pretty petty at that moment) I'd been feeling during the week.
After several hours at Children's we were sent home. The doctor feels it was vasovagal syncope, which in my opinion is a name for "one of those things that just happens". Because this was not the first episode (a similar, although much less severe, episode happened the second day of school when it was also VERY hot) we are being referred to a cardiologist. The good news is that both e/r docs said there was absolutely NO indication there is a heart problem, but they want to be able to have an expert rule it out. Thomas was absolutely himself by this point, and he couldn't wait to tell his sister all about his IV and experiences of the day. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived home it was so late the other kids were in bed. My aunt dropped me at the hospital to get Andrew's car which we had left there and Andrew got Thomas into bed. I came home, emailed some teachers and then sat down with Andrew and began to cry. I was so very, very grateful to be home in our own bed, but the emotions of the day caught up with me. I regretted that Catherine hadn't been able to see Thomas before she went to bed, and I regretted that while both kids knew we would be coming home, neither Robert nor Catherine got to see us. While the tears were due to stress and emotion, a great deal of that emotion was gratitude. There is definitely a lot going on in our lives right now, but I am so grateful to have my wonderful family surrounding me. We will get through all of these little (and not-so-little) dramas, and we'll be fine...most importantly we will be together!
About 12:30 I heard my cell phone ring. I didn't get to it and at first kind of ignored it. Then I remembered Thomas hadn't felt so well and I thought I'd better check. Sure enough, the caller ID indicated it was his school and there was a voice message. My heart stopped when I heard the caller explain I needed to call because there was an "emergency." That was the exact word. I called back, although of course I couldn't dial and the phone didn't work correctly. I couldn't even remember my name when I called (I suddenly reverted back to my maiden name!). When I finally got in touch with someone I was told, "Thomas collapsed and we've called the squad." He is on his way to the hospital." I remember asking if he was conscious at that point and the woman explained she didn't know because she wasn't with him. I ran to my room to throw on some clothes other than the shabby things I had been wearing to clean, and immediately dialed my husband's cell. I had thought he was still in his plan period. I accidentally hung up on him while calling and called right back. The good news is that our "code" if he is in class (and it turned out he was) if there is an emergency is keep calling until he answers. I explained the situation, and he was out the door as fast as he could be.
The drive to the e/r here in town was the longest of my life. I don't remember crying, but I remember feeling an increasing amount of panic, and I remember lots of praying. I remember being VERY irritated at college students who kept walking out in front of me. I remember running into the e/r lobby then seeing an ambulance pull up and running back out. It wasn't him though. The emt's explained he was already in. I ran back in and someone sitting at check-in asked if I was Thomas's mom. The school nurse had accompanied him to the hospital and assured me he was doing fine at that time. There is some confusion as to whether or not he ever actually lost consciousness, but apparently he was absolutely pale white and not recovering quickly. Apparently this incident had occurred as they were coming in from recess and getting ready for lunch. Anyway, the immediately took me to him, and while he looked terrified, he was awake and alert and aware, and to this mother's eyes he had never looked better. They ran blood work and started an IV. They also had him hooked up to a heart monitor and did a chest xray and a EKG. They even ran a strep test.
All of the tests came back absolutely fine. Good news, right? Not so fast! This particular doctor was simply not comfortable dealing with a pediatric patient, and especially one who arrived in the e/r with the coloring (or lack thereof) Thomas had. He decided we needed to be transferred to a Children's Hospital and kept overnight for observation. We had already made arrangements for the older two kids to be with my aunt & uncle for the evening, and I immediately began to plan how we were going to handle an overnight admittance. Thomas wanted his dad in the ambulance with him, and I would follow behind. Andrew would then come home and get the other two and take care of them for the night and I would stay with Thomas. That is also when my emotions began to get the better of me, and I just had to excuse myself and let myself cry for a minute. It all just felt so overwhelming at the time, especially with all of the other emotions (all of which seemed pretty petty at that moment) I'd been feeling during the week.
After several hours at Children's we were sent home. The doctor feels it was vasovagal syncope, which in my opinion is a name for "one of those things that just happens". Because this was not the first episode (a similar, although much less severe, episode happened the second day of school when it was also VERY hot) we are being referred to a cardiologist. The good news is that both e/r docs said there was absolutely NO indication there is a heart problem, but they want to be able to have an expert rule it out. Thomas was absolutely himself by this point, and he couldn't wait to tell his sister all about his IV and experiences of the day. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived home it was so late the other kids were in bed. My aunt dropped me at the hospital to get Andrew's car which we had left there and Andrew got Thomas into bed. I came home, emailed some teachers and then sat down with Andrew and began to cry. I was so very, very grateful to be home in our own bed, but the emotions of the day caught up with me. I regretted that Catherine hadn't been able to see Thomas before she went to bed, and I regretted that while both kids knew we would be coming home, neither Robert nor Catherine got to see us. While the tears were due to stress and emotion, a great deal of that emotion was gratitude. There is definitely a lot going on in our lives right now, but I am so grateful to have my wonderful family surrounding me. We will get through all of these little (and not-so-little) dramas, and we'll be fine...most importantly we will be together!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Not how I expected to react
Yesterday I had to run some errands and one of my stops was at Thomas's school. I needed to update some information and also to try to figure out how the lunch account system works. I'll be honest, it truly does bother me that I don't yet understand how everything works when it comes to the kids' schools. I'm not a hover parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I do like to have a clue! Anyway, the secretary mentioned I could go ahead and take my check down to the lunch room (of course I had to ask how to get there) and I was absolutely thrilled to walk in and there was my little guy. We were both surprised, and I walked over to say hello. He introduced me to some of his new friends at the table, and then I took care of the money part. I said good bye on my way out with another high five and I walked down the hall...where I then began to cry.
And I couldn't stop crying. It was a somewhat selfish thought process. I walk into that school and I'm absolutely no one. I still have to show my ID and explain who I am. With the exception of very, very few, no one there knows me. Yesterday I literally ached for what I had left behind...a job that I absolutely loved where I was respected. Last year I could pretty much tell you exactly where Catherine and Thomas were at any time during the day...I knew almost exactly how it all worked. I miss the people with whom I worked and those adorable kids...even the ones that drove me crazy! Andrew keeps reminding me that I'll probably be back at work after the first of the year, but I also know it isn't going to be the same. I'm not saying it can't still be as good, but it's not going to be the same. In all of the chaos of the month of August, I realize that I didn't really have time to grieve what I would be giving up, and "grieving" is not too strong of a word. As I've said all along, this is still a wonderful decision for our family, and while I expected there would be tough days, I don't think Andrew completely realized how hard this would be for me or what I was giving up personally. I have no regrets about our decision, but some days are just tougher than others. I didn't expect something as simple as paying into a lunch account to set off set a flurry of tears, but I guess that is one of the things about grief. You never know what's going to set it off!
And I couldn't stop crying. It was a somewhat selfish thought process. I walk into that school and I'm absolutely no one. I still have to show my ID and explain who I am. With the exception of very, very few, no one there knows me. Yesterday I literally ached for what I had left behind...a job that I absolutely loved where I was respected. Last year I could pretty much tell you exactly where Catherine and Thomas were at any time during the day...I knew almost exactly how it all worked. I miss the people with whom I worked and those adorable kids...even the ones that drove me crazy! Andrew keeps reminding me that I'll probably be back at work after the first of the year, but I also know it isn't going to be the same. I'm not saying it can't still be as good, but it's not going to be the same. In all of the chaos of the month of August, I realize that I didn't really have time to grieve what I would be giving up, and "grieving" is not too strong of a word. As I've said all along, this is still a wonderful decision for our family, and while I expected there would be tough days, I don't think Andrew completely realized how hard this would be for me or what I was giving up personally. I have no regrets about our decision, but some days are just tougher than others. I didn't expect something as simple as paying into a lunch account to set off set a flurry of tears, but I guess that is one of the things about grief. You never know what's going to set it off!
Another Personal Best
This weekend Robert ran in his third cross country race, but before I discuss his race, let me tell you about the meet itself. This particular meet was held about 20 minutes from my hometown and about 20 minutes from where we used to live. My family had decided to come for Robert's 10:20 race, and I figured by 11:30 I would be at our old house and would have all day to work...a rarity these days!
The race was being held in a large park in a small town. As soon as I got off the interstate, I knew there were problems...the park was out of room for vehicles. Knowing how large this park was, I was concerned about the vast number of participants. I called my mom and explained the alternate parking situation, and was grateful to hear my father had not joined her. She was only bringing Grandma, and my sister was already there. After a bit, I was able to locate my sister who informed me that apparently several races had been added. I found the "team mom" who said apparently the organizers decided they had too many teams (UGH!) and decided to add high school races to break down the number of participants. This meant Robert's race wasn't even scheduled to begin until 11:30, and by 10AM they were already behind schedule. My mom didn't feel she could be away from my dad that long, and I understood. My sister wanted to attend a cousin's soccer game, so in the end no one other than myself and Catherine were there for the actual race. When the middle school race started, I was concerned about the number of participants for the narrow lane that had been cleared, and sure enough, several runners tripped over each other at the start. I was so irritated by the entire lack of organization for this event! Enough about the meet though...
Robert's goal for the week was 15:00. After cutting over two minutes off from week one to week two, I thought perhaps cutting another 1:40 off was a little too ambitious. I positioned myself about 30 yards from the finish line and waited. I was SO excited when he came into view and it wasn't yet 14 minutes into the race. He kicked it into high gear again, and finished very strong with a time of 14:34. I was so excited! He had cut over four minutes off in just two weeks! I was so proud that I cried!
This week Andrew's parents will be visiting and we have another meet. This one is quite a distance, but I'm looking forward to seeing how he does!
The race was being held in a large park in a small town. As soon as I got off the interstate, I knew there were problems...the park was out of room for vehicles. Knowing how large this park was, I was concerned about the vast number of participants. I called my mom and explained the alternate parking situation, and was grateful to hear my father had not joined her. She was only bringing Grandma, and my sister was already there. After a bit, I was able to locate my sister who informed me that apparently several races had been added. I found the "team mom" who said apparently the organizers decided they had too many teams (UGH!) and decided to add high school races to break down the number of participants. This meant Robert's race wasn't even scheduled to begin until 11:30, and by 10AM they were already behind schedule. My mom didn't feel she could be away from my dad that long, and I understood. My sister wanted to attend a cousin's soccer game, so in the end no one other than myself and Catherine were there for the actual race. When the middle school race started, I was concerned about the number of participants for the narrow lane that had been cleared, and sure enough, several runners tripped over each other at the start. I was so irritated by the entire lack of organization for this event! Enough about the meet though...
Robert's goal for the week was 15:00. After cutting over two minutes off from week one to week two, I thought perhaps cutting another 1:40 off was a little too ambitious. I positioned myself about 30 yards from the finish line and waited. I was SO excited when he came into view and it wasn't yet 14 minutes into the race. He kicked it into high gear again, and finished very strong with a time of 14:34. I was so excited! He had cut over four minutes off in just two weeks! I was so proud that I cried!
This week Andrew's parents will be visiting and we have another meet. This one is quite a distance, but I'm looking forward to seeing how he does!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Another busy weekend
Our weekends are jam packed right now, but I know things will settle. Last week I spent every day at our old house (that's probably a post in itself) so after Catherine got off the bus we were off to the grocery. Two rather unpleasant hours later (thanks to unhelpful staff at particular grocery) we made it home. Andrew had to work at the football game, and the kids understood I was beyond exhausted so everyone was happy with cereal or whatever they could find for dinner. Honestly, they were actually thrilled with it that way, and it made me glad we had picked up a couple of treats that I don't normally purchase. Anyway, Thomas and Andrew were going camping with scouts bright and early Saturday so we (let's be serious, mostly "I') got things together and ready to go. First thing Saturday I dropped Robert off at school to catch the cross country bus and when I returned the others were off to scouts. It's only 8AM on Saturday folks!
Catherine and I pack clothes and coolers because the cross country meet is near our old house and we are planning to spend the day working there after the meet. We ended up spending several hours at the cross country meet (another post as well!) and finally made it to the house around lunch. I chowed down on some food and got to work! We had taken a small TV and DVD player and Robert and Catherine were able to entertain themselves with electronics for the afternoon...and they loved it of course! After MANY hours of painting we headed back to our new house and after a much needed shower I settled in to watch the Notre Dame game. Didn't go as I had hoped, but it was a nice way to spend the evening.
Yesterday I was able to sleep in for a bit...so grateful! I spent the day unpacking and organizing some more. It just feels some days like I'm getting no where...just moving things from box to box. My in-laws arrive on Friday though, so I better get my act together. I'm staying away from the old house just for today so I can have another full day working here.
Time to get Thomas up for school...here we go again!
Catherine and I pack clothes and coolers because the cross country meet is near our old house and we are planning to spend the day working there after the meet. We ended up spending several hours at the cross country meet (another post as well!) and finally made it to the house around lunch. I chowed down on some food and got to work! We had taken a small TV and DVD player and Robert and Catherine were able to entertain themselves with electronics for the afternoon...and they loved it of course! After MANY hours of painting we headed back to our new house and after a much needed shower I settled in to watch the Notre Dame game. Didn't go as I had hoped, but it was a nice way to spend the evening.
Yesterday I was able to sleep in for a bit...so grateful! I spent the day unpacking and organizing some more. It just feels some days like I'm getting no where...just moving things from box to box. My in-laws arrive on Friday though, so I better get my act together. I'm staying away from the old house just for today so I can have another full day working here.
Time to get Thomas up for school...here we go again!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Yesterday's favorite moment
Catherine's favorite thing to do each day is to get her brother off the bus. I think she sees it as an additional responsibility and in some ways it is. I'm always on the porch watching though, at least for now. And because I was watching, I got to witness a beautiful moment. Thomas ran off the bus and wrapped his arms around his sister in a big bear hug. They then walked all the way back to our house arm-in-arm, smiling, chatting, and giggling the entire way. I love moments like that!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Back to school blues
In spite of the fact that my children are in their third week of school, I have the "back to school blues" and am fighting tears. Our old school district begins today, and my sadness isn't for my kids, it is selfishly for me. My kids love their schools here, and I'm very glad they are here. I am so very sad about all of the people at the old school that I'm going to miss. I very much miss the teachers who had become my friends, and I very, very much miss all of those awesome kids! I guess it's kind of like a reality check. Life there is going on without us (well, yeah!) and I just feel a little lost. I told Andrew from the beginning that while I had no doubts this was the best move for our family, for me personally it meant giving up a great deal. And I was okay with it because I know with certainty this was a move our family needed to make...but today I'm just a little sad about what I left behind.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Labor Day weekend
Unlike Memorial Day weekend where there have always been many traditions, Labor Day weekend has never really had any. There have been many years though, where I've been lamenting the fact that school is beginning again, and times I've been even down right sad about it. This year though, the kids already have two full weeks in, and it's a wonderful weekend because it feels like a BREAK...a very much needed break!
Thomas was able to spend most of the weekend with my sister and she took him to the Notre Dame victory over Temple on Saturday. How awesome is that? He had a blast. Andrew and I had a date night Saturday evening since it was just the older two. We stayed here in town and I was comfortable leaving them. We dined at a nice restaurant where I knew college students would NOT be...that was my primary goal. It was a little pricey, but I so desperately needed an evening with just Andrew to get away and not feel guilty about all the work that needs done at both houses.
Last evening was my favorite part of the weekend (besides sleeping in this morning). My best friend hosted our group of friends, and almost everyone of our group was there. There were a couple of spouses unable to attend, but we took a group picture and I'm so grateful to have a record of the evening. These people are the dearest friends I'll ever have in life, and I'm so very grateful for each of them.
Today is another unpacking/arranging day, and Robert has practice this evening. Hopefully we are no longer living in chaos soon!
Thomas was able to spend most of the weekend with my sister and she took him to the Notre Dame victory over Temple on Saturday. How awesome is that? He had a blast. Andrew and I had a date night Saturday evening since it was just the older two. We stayed here in town and I was comfortable leaving them. We dined at a nice restaurant where I knew college students would NOT be...that was my primary goal. It was a little pricey, but I so desperately needed an evening with just Andrew to get away and not feel guilty about all the work that needs done at both houses.
Last evening was my favorite part of the weekend (besides sleeping in this morning). My best friend hosted our group of friends, and almost everyone of our group was there. There were a couple of spouses unable to attend, but we took a group picture and I'm so grateful to have a record of the evening. These people are the dearest friends I'll ever have in life, and I'm so very grateful for each of them.
Today is another unpacking/arranging day, and Robert has practice this evening. Hopefully we are no longer living in chaos soon!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Cross country
Robert is running cross country this year. Moving here has made the fact that his practice schedule is all over the place much more tolerable. Anyway, we are very new to this sport, although my dad ran it in high school and enjoyed it, and has been helpful with info. The coaches of Robert's cross country team are very laid back. This is both good and bad. It's good in that whatever happens is what happens, but it's not so good in that they are NOT detail oriented people and I'm trying not to let that drive me nuts. I just don't handle "last minute everything" as well as others!
Yesterday was Robert's second meet. The first was last Friday. I'll be honest, I'm still a mom, and I was a mess! I wanted my child to succeed because I wanted him to feel the great power of success! As I'm watching child after child cross the finish line and seeing no sign of Robert, I began to tear up and worry...I was afraid he had passed out on the course somewhere (yes, worst case scenario is always my first thought). Finally, about 2/3 or 3/4 into the finishers, we see this young man in an absolute dead sprint. We watched Robert zoom by to the finish line, passing no fewer than ten other finishers in the last 200 yards. We were absolutely amused by his strong finish after watching others who practically had their tongues hanging out. We asked him about it and he said he wanted to be able to finish strong. We chuckled and informed him that perhaps he could go a little stronger during the race...maybe he saved a little too much for the end. His time was 18:50 and of course each week the goal is to improve on the personal time.
Yesterday was a much smaller race. The weather was awful in terms of humidity. It's been a long time since I've experienced air that thick and heavy. This race also had more terrain than the very flat race of the week before. Robert changed his strategy and flew out at the beginning. In fact, he was in 6th place at the first viewing spot. I was very concerned that he was over compensating for the previous week. While he still finished later in the race, his time this week was 16:40...he had cut over two full minutes off his time! We are having so much fun watching the races and Robert is truly enjoying himself. Catherine has already announced that she wants to run next year. It's all going very well!
Yesterday was Robert's second meet. The first was last Friday. I'll be honest, I'm still a mom, and I was a mess! I wanted my child to succeed because I wanted him to feel the great power of success! As I'm watching child after child cross the finish line and seeing no sign of Robert, I began to tear up and worry...I was afraid he had passed out on the course somewhere (yes, worst case scenario is always my first thought). Finally, about 2/3 or 3/4 into the finishers, we see this young man in an absolute dead sprint. We watched Robert zoom by to the finish line, passing no fewer than ten other finishers in the last 200 yards. We were absolutely amused by his strong finish after watching others who practically had their tongues hanging out. We asked him about it and he said he wanted to be able to finish strong. We chuckled and informed him that perhaps he could go a little stronger during the race...maybe he saved a little too much for the end. His time was 18:50 and of course each week the goal is to improve on the personal time.
Yesterday was a much smaller race. The weather was awful in terms of humidity. It's been a long time since I've experienced air that thick and heavy. This race also had more terrain than the very flat race of the week before. Robert changed his strategy and flew out at the beginning. In fact, he was in 6th place at the first viewing spot. I was very concerned that he was over compensating for the previous week. While he still finished later in the race, his time this week was 16:40...he had cut over two full minutes off his time! We are having so much fun watching the races and Robert is truly enjoying himself. Catherine has already announced that she wants to run next year. It's all going very well!
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