Last spring just as school was ending, I learned my "dream job" was going to be available. The church we attend was losing it's secretary of 8-1/2 years. It was perfect in the sense that it was only 20 hours a week and right here in town. I was certain with my background I would be a strong candidate, and I was very excited. The best part was that it would start just as school was starting back up, so I would still have this past summer with my kids. My only concern was that it was every day, and I didn't love that thought, but still thought it to be ideal.
Then Mom really started to feel lousy. I had decided that it was best I not take an every day commitment. But then Andrew was so disappointed and I reconsidered. By the time I really got around to thinking about getting my resume together (I haven't needed one in over a decade!) they had already started interviewing and were about to make a decision. I told Andrew that was just the way it was meant to be.
And after today I am even more convinced of that. While Mom is getting better in the sense that she doesn't have daily treatments and her oncology appointments are monthly instead of weekly, it isn't over yet. She had a swallowing evaluation performed two weeks ago and learned that her esophagus had shrunk to the size of a pencil (I've since seen the pictures and that is overstating the size). Today we met with her GI doc, and he explained that while it can be stretched, it won't be as easy as originally hoped. Because of the size it has to be stretched in phases, and because of the location, the first phase has to be performed in the hospital. It will be outpatient, but in the hospital none-the-less. He estimates it will take 4-6 stages in order to get it stretched so that she will be able to eat again, and then have to be monitored to see if it needs to be re-stretched.
We were both disappointed in this news, although still grateful that something can be done about it. She had hoped to be eating again by the end of October, but now we are shooting more toward the holidays. As we left and I thought about all of the appointments that are ahead due to this, I took it as a sign. I made the right decision not pursuing the church job at this time. My mom needs me, and I am so grateful that I can be there for her!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
A year ago today
It has been exactly one year since my dad's best friend passed away. Dad was so heartbroken, and to be honest, he never really got over it and passed just 47 days later. One of the greatest comforts I have is my belief that Dad was greeted by him on his own passing. Again, it's been a hell of a year.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
An amazingly beautiful drive
Today we had nothing specific marked on our calendar, with the exception of Andrew having to work at the freshman football game. Since that fell right in the middle of the day, I decided it would be a great opportunity to take the kids up to see my mom. I know that she has really, really missed them, and although it can be tiring for her, we only stay about an hour so I try to make sure she has an opportunity to see them. We left here about 11:00 and headed north. We have had beautiful weather here this week with temps in the upper 70's/low 80's, virtually no humidity, and not a cloud in the sky. Today is no exception. For some odd reason*, the leaves are turning here about two weeks earlier than normal, and today's drive up was absolutely gorgeous. I am so grateful we made the effort to get up there. It was a great visit for everyone, and the scenery was breathtaking!
*The meteorologists are claiming that the leaves are changing because we have had one of the driest Septembers on record. That may be true, but there is also a "meteorological rumor" that we are going to have another really hard Winter and get our first big snow storm in October (unheard of around here)! I am hoping that the leaves changing is not a foreshadowing that the trees know something we don't know!
*The meteorologists are claiming that the leaves are changing because we have had one of the driest Septembers on record. That may be true, but there is also a "meteorological rumor" that we are going to have another really hard Winter and get our first big snow storm in October (unheard of around here)! I am hoping that the leaves changing is not a foreshadowing that the trees know something we don't know!
Friday, September 26, 2014
Mom guilt is tough
Last weekend my husband and I were having a conversation about my working, and he admitted he really enjoys having me at home. I have such a peaceful feeling about being at home, especially this last year of having an elementary student, as well as managing my mom's many doctor appointments. But then I look at our budget, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I wonder why I'm not out there doing more to contribute to our budget. We are by no means going broke...we have been blessed to make smart choices and accumulate a decent amount of savings. But this past 15 months since I last worked has seen us eat into that savings, although that did table off this year after we got the other house sold. Yesterday two things happened, that while it made me grateful my kids have realistic expectations of life, also made me feel VERY guilty about not working.
The first was after running some errands. We had to refill a Rx at Kroger, and Thomas asked if he could look at the Halloween costumes. I reminded him that we don't spend $20 on store bought costumes and he understood. He found a costume he really liked and since it was only $10 and checked off one thing to deal with, I agreed. I was even more delighted when my customer loyalty card gave me another $2 off! Our rule in our house is beginning in 7th grade the trick-or-treating days are over...I've never been a fan of teenagers begging for candy (let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the entire Halloween experience, but that's another story). So in my world, only Thomas needed a costume and that was done.
As we were driving home, Thomas asked how much money we had spent at the grocery. I asked why he was asking, and he mentioned that he was wondering if we had enough money "left over" to buy Catherine the costume she really liked. Oh goodness, talk about pulling at heartstrings! My reasoning for not buying the costume was not at all based on money, but rather because of our house rules. However, I talked it over with Andrew and we agreed that since Robert has a football game that evening and it will just be the younger two and myself, that I would go get Catherine that costume today and surprise her when she gets home.
The second incident happened later in the evening. Robert has another away football game this evening. He has cross country practice right after school, and then has about 1/2 hour until the marching band bus leaves for the football game. We had been bringing him a sub from Subway for dinner on those nights to make sure that he had something decent in his stomach. Last evening he offered to pack himself extra food instead of us bringing him a sub. He said, "I know that doing that all the time adds up. I don't mind just bringing an extra lunch for dinner." Again, oh the tugging on the heartstrings! I told him that we don't mind bringing him dinner and we want to make sure he has a meal on those long evenings.
So this is leading me to a tremendous amount of guilt! First is the guilt of not working and adding to the family income, and secondly is the fact that my children are worrying about it. I plan to set them all down this weekend and explain that we have plenty of money to cover all of our needs, and I don't want them worrying about it. We also have plenty of money tucked away to cover some "wants" because we have always made very careful choices, and that as long as we continue to make careful choices we will be fine.
I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me to be the mother of these three amazing children. I'm pretty sure they teach me more each day than I teach them...and that is part of the reason I still want to be home with them as much as I can. And that of course leads to guilt about the budget...and well it's just a vicious circle! I am confidant though, that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to!
The first was after running some errands. We had to refill a Rx at Kroger, and Thomas asked if he could look at the Halloween costumes. I reminded him that we don't spend $20 on store bought costumes and he understood. He found a costume he really liked and since it was only $10 and checked off one thing to deal with, I agreed. I was even more delighted when my customer loyalty card gave me another $2 off! Our rule in our house is beginning in 7th grade the trick-or-treating days are over...I've never been a fan of teenagers begging for candy (let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the entire Halloween experience, but that's another story). So in my world, only Thomas needed a costume and that was done.
As we were driving home, Thomas asked how much money we had spent at the grocery. I asked why he was asking, and he mentioned that he was wondering if we had enough money "left over" to buy Catherine the costume she really liked. Oh goodness, talk about pulling at heartstrings! My reasoning for not buying the costume was not at all based on money, but rather because of our house rules. However, I talked it over with Andrew and we agreed that since Robert has a football game that evening and it will just be the younger two and myself, that I would go get Catherine that costume today and surprise her when she gets home.
The second incident happened later in the evening. Robert has another away football game this evening. He has cross country practice right after school, and then has about 1/2 hour until the marching band bus leaves for the football game. We had been bringing him a sub from Subway for dinner on those nights to make sure that he had something decent in his stomach. Last evening he offered to pack himself extra food instead of us bringing him a sub. He said, "I know that doing that all the time adds up. I don't mind just bringing an extra lunch for dinner." Again, oh the tugging on the heartstrings! I told him that we don't mind bringing him dinner and we want to make sure he has a meal on those long evenings.
So this is leading me to a tremendous amount of guilt! First is the guilt of not working and adding to the family income, and secondly is the fact that my children are worrying about it. I plan to set them all down this weekend and explain that we have plenty of money to cover all of our needs, and I don't want them worrying about it. We also have plenty of money tucked away to cover some "wants" because we have always made very careful choices, and that as long as we continue to make careful choices we will be fine.
I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me to be the mother of these three amazing children. I'm pretty sure they teach me more each day than I teach them...and that is part of the reason I still want to be home with them as much as I can. And that of course leads to guilt about the budget...and well it's just a vicious circle! I am confidant though, that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Living in this moment
One of the things I have been trying very hard to do is to be living, to be present, in each moment. I am trying to remember that I will never again get that particular moment back. I am trying to not dwell in the past and dread the future, or to look too forward to the future and ignore the present. The last year has taught me that no matter how blessed the past has been, the future is no guarantee. It has also taught me that no matter how rough things might seem at the moment, there is almost always something for which to be grateful.
It is because of this that I have so very desperately wanted to be home this year. I know that subbing is great part-time job because I never have to worry about Thomas and getting a sitter for him. But there was still that morning last week I couldn't have sat with him while he tried to pull himself together after being scolded, and we wouldn't have had this morning.
I got Thomas on the bus, and usually he is so busy chatting with his buddy Elliott that he never thinks twice about me standing there. This morning though, Elliott wasn't on the bus, and Thomas kept twisting and turning in his seat as the bus drove away to keep waving me. I watched that little hand wave and wave and wave until he was out of sight...and then I walked back to the house crying like a fool. Now before anyone goes to call the "little white jacket people", I'm fine. My heart was just so full of love and gratitude that I thought it might just burst. I am so amazingly grateful that I get to be the mother of these three amazing children, and the wife to my incredible husband. I am so grateful that I got to experience that moment, where my little guy didn't want to stop waving to me either, until his bus was out of sight. I want that snapshot of a memory to remain forever because there will come a day when, while I will always be their mother, I will not be needing to parent 24/7. They will have their own children and will be parenting their own little ones.
So I am planning to soak up all of the these little moments while I can.
It is because of this that I have so very desperately wanted to be home this year. I know that subbing is great part-time job because I never have to worry about Thomas and getting a sitter for him. But there was still that morning last week I couldn't have sat with him while he tried to pull himself together after being scolded, and we wouldn't have had this morning.
I got Thomas on the bus, and usually he is so busy chatting with his buddy Elliott that he never thinks twice about me standing there. This morning though, Elliott wasn't on the bus, and Thomas kept twisting and turning in his seat as the bus drove away to keep waving me. I watched that little hand wave and wave and wave until he was out of sight...and then I walked back to the house crying like a fool. Now before anyone goes to call the "little white jacket people", I'm fine. My heart was just so full of love and gratitude that I thought it might just burst. I am so amazingly grateful that I get to be the mother of these three amazing children, and the wife to my incredible husband. I am so grateful that I got to experience that moment, where my little guy didn't want to stop waving to me either, until his bus was out of sight. I want that snapshot of a memory to remain forever because there will come a day when, while I will always be their mother, I will not be needing to parent 24/7. They will have their own children and will be parenting their own little ones.
So I am planning to soak up all of the these little moments while I can.
Chilly mornings
I had made the comment to Andrew a couple of weeks ago that even though everyone was getting up at the same time as last year, and for Catherine the bus comes even earlier, everyone still seems to have plenty of time in the mornings. We both mentioned though, that the really chilly mornings hadn't set in yet...those chilly mornings when it just feels so good to crawl back down and snuggle under the covers for just a few minutes more. Those are the mornings when it is really hard to get up and get going.
And we have definitely reached those mornings. The kids are on their sixth week of school. Nothing is new and exciting anymore, and everyone is really tired...and those chilly mornings make snuggling in bed just a little bit longer feel like the thing to do!
And we have definitely reached those mornings. The kids are on their sixth week of school. Nothing is new and exciting anymore, and everyone is really tired...and those chilly mornings make snuggling in bed just a little bit longer feel like the thing to do!
Saturday, September 20, 2014
I hate when they are disappointed
I absolutely hate when my kids are disappointed, although I completely understand it is a part of life. There was a miscommunication involving Catherine at school this week. An author was coming to visit, and the teacher said he was picking three students from his classes to have the opportunity to personally meet the author. A written essay was required to enter, and Catherine mentioned to me that only three kids from her class entered. She had taken her copy of a book the author had written and was excited to have the author autograph it. Unfortunately, it turns out that the teacher was choosing a total of three kids from all of his classes, not three from "each" class. I could see the disappointment in Catherine's eyes when she told me, and my heart just broke for her. I'm not at all mad at the teacher...this was simply a misunderstanding and these things happen.
I have always said my job as a parent is to teach my kids that these things happen and to make sure they understand how to cope with life being disappointing and even at times unfair. And while that is absolutely true, and in the grand scheme of life this will probably be forgotten quickly, it is still one of those parenting moments that pretty much stinks.
I have always said my job as a parent is to teach my kids that these things happen and to make sure they understand how to cope with life being disappointing and even at times unfair. And while that is absolutely true, and in the grand scheme of life this will probably be forgotten quickly, it is still one of those parenting moments that pretty much stinks.
Friday, September 19, 2014
We've been waiting for this
This post is going to be so anti-climatic after that title, but we most certainly have been waiting for this! Tomorrow we get to...are you ready?...wait for it...sleep in!!!!!!! You honestly can not imagine how absolutely exciting this is to my family! It has been four weeks since we went to bed and didn't have to set an alarm for the next morning (and some of those weekend alarms have been even earlier than our way-too-early-weekday-alarms). We still, technically, will need to set an alarm for tomorrow because Robert has to be at the high school at 10:45 to leave for his marching band competition, and since he won't be home until 11:00 tonight from the away football game, I know he'll still be wishing he could sleep even later, but an alarm for 9:30/9:45 is definitely an absolute treat. None of the rest of us have anywhere we have to be tomorrow except for Andrew, and that isn't until 2:00 in the afternoon. Even Thomas is excited about a day to kick back a little. I am so very grateful for some extra sleep tomorrow!
Living in this house
I will warn you now...this is not a post that is going to be particularly interesting to anyone. It's going to be long, and it's mostly just so I can get my thoughts down on, and reflect back upon them from time to time...especially as our life changes. This post is simply a summary of living in this house vs. living in our old house, and things I'll want to think about IF we ever move again. The nice thing about this house though, is that while it's a nice size for us now with plenty of space, it isn't too big where it will be too much for us when the kids are living on their own.
To begin, the lot here was one of the biggest selling points. Our old house was on 1/8 acre and mostly covered with house or driveway. There was VERY little yard...perhaps the smallest I've ever seen! We didn't even own a powered mower...just the little push reel kind! Here we have over 1/2 acre and lots of mature trees. My kids actually have a yard to play in! We've commented many times over the last year how we wish we would've had this when they were little, but we shouldn't live life with "if's". I sometimes miss being in town, but I love the neighborhood feel here, and I love how absolutely quiet it is. I love having neighbors without having strangers walk just feet from my living room (our former house sat right up against the sidewalk).
While this house has less than 100 sq. ft. more than our old house, it is so much more functional. This house has three living spaces (if you include the sunroom) so we are all able to spread out and have our own space. Unfortunately, the extra living space comes at the expense of the kids' rooms, which in Catherine's case isn't really an issue. It's much tougher with the boys sharing a room, but we are making it work. On the upside, their closet is twice the size of their old room, so that replaces the dresser that didn't fit, and all of Thomas's Lego's are in the sunroom which also helps the space in their bedroom.
Overall, the closets here are amazing. People probably laugh because I point them out to everyone when they first visit. Our old house was built in 1865...any closet in that house had been added at some point. Andrew's closet in our bedroom is twice the size of the closet in our old bedroom, AND I have a large walk-in closet! At our old house, my dress clothes were either in Catherine's room (so although her closet size is still the same she gained space) or in a portable closet in our garage. Yes, you read that correctly...garage. It made the most sense when I became a SAHM because I wasn't wearing dress clothes very often and Andrew was getting dressed every day at 5:30AM. So the closets here are fabulous!
I'll be honest, I really miss having stairs. I know that in the long run, a ranch house has huge benefits. After watching my father struggle to breathe for 17 years, I understand the advantage of NOT having steps in the house. However, I miss having an "upstairs" that isn't necessarily "open" when company comes over. I liked the fact that there was rarely a need for visitors to be upstairs, and it didn't really matter what the upstairs looked like! It's also an issue with the bathrooms. In our old house, we had one really large bathroom upstairs. It had two sinks and lots of floor space...plenty of room for everyone. We also had a cute little half bath downstairs that was rarely used and perfect for guests. Having the two full baths here is nice, but I really detest the fact that our guest bath is the one the kids use...none of them are good about keeping it picked up. I could let guests use our bathroom, but I don't really want people traipsing in and out of my bedroom. Having the two sinks in the large upstairs bathroom was also really nice when the kids were getting ready for school, although since Thomas is the only one getting ready at his time it works out. Next year is going to be a MAJOR issue with all three at the same time.
Strangely enough, I do NOT love having a master bathroom. I actually preferred the layout at our old house, where the bathroom was right outside our door...it's not like we had to walk forever, and since Andrew gets up before the crack of dawn (literally) it provided an extra buffer to the noise when he is getting ready. I could fall back to sleep after he got up without too many problems. Now, it's pretty much like he's still right there in the room, and I'm pretty much up when he's up.
I miss having a basement (another great space to hide junk when guests arrive), but we do have two garages for added storage space. It's definitely not quite the same (especially in winter when there is snow on the ground) but it serves a purpose. We are hoping that our attached garage can be more of a "hang out" space when we get better organized in there...it would be great for foosball or ping pong! Might be a little too chilly in winter, but we can see what can be done about that.
Overall, I kind of see this house as a dream come true. Every day as I walk out to take Thomas to the bus stop, I look back at our house and almost can't believe that we live here. I feel so very blessed at how this house allows us to enjoy being home...which is one of my favorite places to be!
To begin, the lot here was one of the biggest selling points. Our old house was on 1/8 acre and mostly covered with house or driveway. There was VERY little yard...perhaps the smallest I've ever seen! We didn't even own a powered mower...just the little push reel kind! Here we have over 1/2 acre and lots of mature trees. My kids actually have a yard to play in! We've commented many times over the last year how we wish we would've had this when they were little, but we shouldn't live life with "if's". I sometimes miss being in town, but I love the neighborhood feel here, and I love how absolutely quiet it is. I love having neighbors without having strangers walk just feet from my living room (our former house sat right up against the sidewalk).
While this house has less than 100 sq. ft. more than our old house, it is so much more functional. This house has three living spaces (if you include the sunroom) so we are all able to spread out and have our own space. Unfortunately, the extra living space comes at the expense of the kids' rooms, which in Catherine's case isn't really an issue. It's much tougher with the boys sharing a room, but we are making it work. On the upside, their closet is twice the size of their old room, so that replaces the dresser that didn't fit, and all of Thomas's Lego's are in the sunroom which also helps the space in their bedroom.
Overall, the closets here are amazing. People probably laugh because I point them out to everyone when they first visit. Our old house was built in 1865...any closet in that house had been added at some point. Andrew's closet in our bedroom is twice the size of the closet in our old bedroom, AND I have a large walk-in closet! At our old house, my dress clothes were either in Catherine's room (so although her closet size is still the same she gained space) or in a portable closet in our garage. Yes, you read that correctly...garage. It made the most sense when I became a SAHM because I wasn't wearing dress clothes very often and Andrew was getting dressed every day at 5:30AM. So the closets here are fabulous!
I'll be honest, I really miss having stairs. I know that in the long run, a ranch house has huge benefits. After watching my father struggle to breathe for 17 years, I understand the advantage of NOT having steps in the house. However, I miss having an "upstairs" that isn't necessarily "open" when company comes over. I liked the fact that there was rarely a need for visitors to be upstairs, and it didn't really matter what the upstairs looked like! It's also an issue with the bathrooms. In our old house, we had one really large bathroom upstairs. It had two sinks and lots of floor space...plenty of room for everyone. We also had a cute little half bath downstairs that was rarely used and perfect for guests. Having the two full baths here is nice, but I really detest the fact that our guest bath is the one the kids use...none of them are good about keeping it picked up. I could let guests use our bathroom, but I don't really want people traipsing in and out of my bedroom. Having the two sinks in the large upstairs bathroom was also really nice when the kids were getting ready for school, although since Thomas is the only one getting ready at his time it works out. Next year is going to be a MAJOR issue with all three at the same time.
Strangely enough, I do NOT love having a master bathroom. I actually preferred the layout at our old house, where the bathroom was right outside our door...it's not like we had to walk forever, and since Andrew gets up before the crack of dawn (literally) it provided an extra buffer to the noise when he is getting ready. I could fall back to sleep after he got up without too many problems. Now, it's pretty much like he's still right there in the room, and I'm pretty much up when he's up.
I miss having a basement (another great space to hide junk when guests arrive), but we do have two garages for added storage space. It's definitely not quite the same (especially in winter when there is snow on the ground) but it serves a purpose. We are hoping that our attached garage can be more of a "hang out" space when we get better organized in there...it would be great for foosball or ping pong! Might be a little too chilly in winter, but we can see what can be done about that.
Overall, I kind of see this house as a dream come true. Every day as I walk out to take Thomas to the bus stop, I look back at our house and almost can't believe that we live here. I feel so very blessed at how this house allows us to enjoy being home...which is one of my favorite places to be!
Thursday, September 18, 2014
A freezer that works
Our new freezer arrived this morning! We are so excited to be able to have frozen foods again! And it allowed us to put the ice tray back in the inside freezer and actually have ice again...ah, the little things in life!
I was very, very happy yesterday when all of our family members were again under one roof. There was just something about yesterday that bothered me, and others said the same thing as well. Maybe it's the tension of ISIS, or maybe ebola, or maybe any one of a number of other things, but I just felt stressed yesterday about life in general. I am very grateful that today brings a new outlook!
I was very, very happy yesterday when all of our family members were again under one roof. There was just something about yesterday that bothered me, and others said the same thing as well. Maybe it's the tension of ISIS, or maybe ebola, or maybe any one of a number of other things, but I just felt stressed yesterday about life in general. I am very grateful that today brings a new outlook!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
The good times don't always last though...although this is why I want to be home with my kids
This morning was pretty much the exact opposite of our family fun last evening. Things went relatively well with Catherine & Robert getting out the door, but Thomas was another story. I am not at all convinced that he is feeling 100%. He was laying down on the couch this morning, which is never a good sign. He even admitted he was sleepy (which is a RARE admission) but insisted he was feeling fine. Right before we were to walk out to the bus though, he had an absolute meltdown. I informed him we weren't walking to the bus until he could pull himself together, because I truly didn't understand his reaction...I hadn't been yelling, and he should expect I would be irritated when learning he didn't do his vocabulary homework last week. He just couldn't pull himself together though, and then when the bus drove by and he realized he wasn't going to be on it, he really fell apart. I again explained I wasn't going to take him to school until he could pull himself together, and that child cried for an hour. At one point I even sat down on the couch and held him for about 15 minutes, and even then, he couldn't quite pull himself together. Nothing hurts though, he certainly isn't running a fever, and there is no cough/congestion, so I certainly hope it is nothing more than being overly tired. We have nothing on our calendar this evening, and I've already told him an early bedtime should help him to get a good night's sleep.
Sitting there, though, this is why I want to be home with my kids. Something was going on with Thomas this morning, and I don't know exactly what. It seems as though he just needed to cry for a little bit. I am so grateful that we could just sit this morning, and just be. If I had a job, or even if I was subbing and today happened to be a day I was in, that wouldn't have been an option. As it was, I was able to give him some extra time, and I'm so grateful for that. I literally have no idea how we will make it all work out without me working, but families do it all the time. Hoping, hoping, hoping, I can figure out a way to be one of those families!
Sitting there, though, this is why I want to be home with my kids. Something was going on with Thomas this morning, and I don't know exactly what. It seems as though he just needed to cry for a little bit. I am so grateful that we could just sit this morning, and just be. If I had a job, or even if I was subbing and today happened to be a day I was in, that wouldn't have been an option. As it was, I was able to give him some extra time, and I'm so grateful for that. I literally have no idea how we will make it all work out without me working, but families do it all the time. Hoping, hoping, hoping, I can figure out a way to be one of those families!
A fabulous evening at home
An evening at home, with everyone, is a rarity these days. Even last evening, Catherine and I didn't get home until about 6:00 because she had a meet, but once we were home, we were all home to stay. It had been almost two weeks since that had happened! I stopped at Kroger and picked up their fried chicken deal (eight pieces for $6.99...I can't cook it at that price!) and Andrew made some rice and beans to go with it. We sat around the dinner table, and I can't remember the last time we all laughed together like that. After showers, the kids were gracious enough to play a board game with me (because I threatened to ground them if they didn't!) and Andrew sat in the room with us and graded. Again, we found so many fun things to laugh about. Andrew told me he enjoyed just being in the same room with us because it made him laugh too even though he wasn't part of the game. After prayers and everyone was tucked in, I sat there while Andrew continued to grade, and I just felt so full of gratitude. It had been such a fabulously fun evening, and I hope it is an evening that I'll always remember. Even more so, I hope it is an evening the kids will always remember. I would love to think that my kids will look back on their childhoods, and more than anything else will remember lots of laughter and love.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
You know what? Today I just really don't wanna
That is pretty much my mindset today...I just don't wanna. I acknowledge that sounds like something a little toddler would say, but it's how I'm feeling. Fortunately, I scrubbed most of the house top to bottom yesterday so the cleaning is finished. As for the rest of it...
I just really don't wanna have to remind Robert AGAIN to take care of the cats. Seriously? It has been part of your morning routine for the last SEVEN years. And I definitely don't wanna hear how you don't feel like it.
I don't really wanna remind Catherine to make sure that she has her lunch. It's day 21 of school folks. As far as I know eating has been part of each one. And I definitely don't wanna wait at the bus stop with her in 50 degree weather at a dark 6:30AM because she refuses to ride to school with her dad and catch the transfer bus, but then she almost misses the bus because she has so much stuff and isn't paying attention.
I don't really wanna have to ask Thomas, "Have you put on your shoes? Have you eaten breakfast? Have you brushed your teeth? Are you sure? Do I need to smell your minty breath and is your toothbrush wet? Do you know where your jacket is? Have you fed the cats?" Literally every day.
I don't really wanna have to email Robert's cross country coach and explain that the reason he doesn't have Robert marked off for turning in his money and extra fundraising materials is that because of handing them into the coach, whom he sees every day at practice, Robert chose to seek out/hunt down the athletic director and turn them into him. Really? Hopefully the AD's follow through is good and we won't be charged $50 for the materials that were supposed to be turned into the coach.
I don't really wanna have to spend hours today working on my volunteer "job". I don't wanna have to spend time writing a reimbursement check because even though I explained to "him" a month ago that his credit card had expired and he needed to get with me to get the new one that had arrived in the mail, he couldn't be bothered. I don't really wanna spend time compiling a contact list of people who might be able to help "her" with senior night because she agreed to do it without bothering to learn the date and know whether or not she could even be in attendance. And I definitely don't want to have to spend hours trying to figure out how to reconfigure our monthly statements and contact methods because the IT volunteer doesn't really wanna figure out why two systems can't communicate with each other.
That's really more than enough whining and complaining on my part. Time to put on my big-girl panties and just deal with it!
I just really don't wanna have to remind Robert AGAIN to take care of the cats. Seriously? It has been part of your morning routine for the last SEVEN years. And I definitely don't wanna hear how you don't feel like it.
I don't really wanna remind Catherine to make sure that she has her lunch. It's day 21 of school folks. As far as I know eating has been part of each one. And I definitely don't wanna wait at the bus stop with her in 50 degree weather at a dark 6:30AM because she refuses to ride to school with her dad and catch the transfer bus, but then she almost misses the bus because she has so much stuff and isn't paying attention.
I don't really wanna have to ask Thomas, "Have you put on your shoes? Have you eaten breakfast? Have you brushed your teeth? Are you sure? Do I need to smell your minty breath and is your toothbrush wet? Do you know where your jacket is? Have you fed the cats?" Literally every day.
I don't really wanna have to email Robert's cross country coach and explain that the reason he doesn't have Robert marked off for turning in his money and extra fundraising materials is that because of handing them into the coach, whom he sees every day at practice, Robert chose to seek out/hunt down the athletic director and turn them into him. Really? Hopefully the AD's follow through is good and we won't be charged $50 for the materials that were supposed to be turned into the coach.
I don't really wanna have to spend hours today working on my volunteer "job". I don't wanna have to spend time writing a reimbursement check because even though I explained to "him" a month ago that his credit card had expired and he needed to get with me to get the new one that had arrived in the mail, he couldn't be bothered. I don't really wanna spend time compiling a contact list of people who might be able to help "her" with senior night because she agreed to do it without bothering to learn the date and know whether or not she could even be in attendance. And I definitely don't want to have to spend hours trying to figure out how to reconfigure our monthly statements and contact methods because the IT volunteer doesn't really wanna figure out why two systems can't communicate with each other.
That's really more than enough whining and complaining on my part. Time to put on my big-girl panties and just deal with it!
Monday, September 15, 2014
Mom's scans
This Wednesday is the big day...Mom has her PET scan. We are optimistic because the CT scan in August showed the tumor was gone. She is still feeling so very lousy though, and that is really tough. Our prayers, without a doubt, is that there will be no sign of the cancer, and we can really start to move beyond all of this!
Trying to hold onto the peaceful feeling as long as I can
Fall is such a fabulous season. It just feels so peaceful, even though our lives are incredibly hectic. I guess it's just such a "cozy" season...not yet frigid, but chilly enough for jackets and blankets. I also love the fact that in September we can give both the a/c and the furnace a rest. The kids are in school and have learned the routine...and life just feels as though it is chugging along well.
Adding to my peaceful feeling is the fact that I'm not working...and I really, really feel more content than I may have ever felt in my life. It could be because I am introvert at heart and having nearly eight hours of alone time a day is certainly a benefit! :) But I think it's just that I love this moment with my family, and I love being in these moments. At the same time, Andrew's car is "iffy", my van just needed new front brakes, our garage freezer died and we replaced it, and the kids' activity fees are going to kill us! They aren't even that involved...it's just that even school activities now come with a pretty hefty price. Knowing that this can't last (fingers crossed through the holidays, but I may have to find a way to sub sooner) makes me appreciate what we have right now even more.
I am so grateful for this peaceful feeling...and hoping I can continue to use it for motivation in life each day!
Adding to my peaceful feeling is the fact that I'm not working...and I really, really feel more content than I may have ever felt in my life. It could be because I am introvert at heart and having nearly eight hours of alone time a day is certainly a benefit! :) But I think it's just that I love this moment with my family, and I love being in these moments. At the same time, Andrew's car is "iffy", my van just needed new front brakes, our garage freezer died and we replaced it, and the kids' activity fees are going to kill us! They aren't even that involved...it's just that even school activities now come with a pretty hefty price. Knowing that this can't last (fingers crossed through the holidays, but I may have to find a way to sub sooner) makes me appreciate what we have right now even more.
I am so grateful for this peaceful feeling...and hoping I can continue to use it for motivation in life each day!
Friday, September 12, 2014
Parenting and sleep
I think we can all agree that once we become parents sleep becomes a luxury...at least until that point when we hit bottom and it becomes a necessity. Regardless, parenting babies means little sleep. Parenting toddlers means you sleep through the night most nights, but you still need to be awake when the children are awake.
But then they hit those early school age years, and they don't necessarily require constant supervision. You probably don't have to get up with them for them to watch their Saturday morning cartoons and if you have a child that can reach the pop-tarts...Woo Hoo! They will even allow you to sleep another hour or so (in fact, in order to encourage our children to let us sleep a little more on the weekends, we had the rule that once we were up, we turned the TV off...talk about motivation to not disturb the parents)! This folks, is the last time you will feel rested even one day a week...
...because then you hit the beginning of the "involved" years. While the kids are more than old enough to take care of themselves, children of this age will almost certainly have a 9:00 soccer game/basketball game/baseball game/gymnastics meet/cheerleading competition/scout event that will require, if you are lucky it is close enough, that everyone be out the door by 8AM. Hard to believe, but you will someday wish for these days...
...because next is the high school years. Now, I will grant you that Robert has made an effort to join EVERYTHING, but I remember I wasn't much different at his age. Last week he returned with the marching band from the away football game at 11:30. Not awful, except that he had to be back at school just 7-1/2 hours later to catch the bus for his cross country meet, and obviously, a parent needed to be doing the driving. Normally if I have to be up prior to 6AM I make sure I am in bed absolutely no later than 10:00, but that wasn't an option Friday night. Yes, I am married and his father could certainly help, but since I am not currently working I am trying to allow him to sleep when he can because I can always take a nap during the school day if I really try. Robert's schedule is exhausting for us, because we are just not as young as we used to be! There is part of me that is looking forward to a year from now when he will be able to drive himself, but I'll be honest, I do not see sleeping blissfully at that point either...I see lots of anxiety & prayers!
But then they hit those early school age years, and they don't necessarily require constant supervision. You probably don't have to get up with them for them to watch their Saturday morning cartoons and if you have a child that can reach the pop-tarts...Woo Hoo! They will even allow you to sleep another hour or so (in fact, in order to encourage our children to let us sleep a little more on the weekends, we had the rule that once we were up, we turned the TV off...talk about motivation to not disturb the parents)! This folks, is the last time you will feel rested even one day a week...
...because then you hit the beginning of the "involved" years. While the kids are more than old enough to take care of themselves, children of this age will almost certainly have a 9:00 soccer game/basketball game/baseball game/gymnastics meet/cheerleading competition/scout event that will require, if you are lucky it is close enough, that everyone be out the door by 8AM. Hard to believe, but you will someday wish for these days...
...because next is the high school years. Now, I will grant you that Robert has made an effort to join EVERYTHING, but I remember I wasn't much different at his age. Last week he returned with the marching band from the away football game at 11:30. Not awful, except that he had to be back at school just 7-1/2 hours later to catch the bus for his cross country meet, and obviously, a parent needed to be doing the driving. Normally if I have to be up prior to 6AM I make sure I am in bed absolutely no later than 10:00, but that wasn't an option Friday night. Yes, I am married and his father could certainly help, but since I am not currently working I am trying to allow him to sleep when he can because I can always take a nap during the school day if I really try. Robert's schedule is exhausting for us, because we are just not as young as we used to be! There is part of me that is looking forward to a year from now when he will be able to drive himself, but I'll be honest, I do not see sleeping blissfully at that point either...I see lots of anxiety & prayers!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
How I feel about it a year later
A year ago today was probably the most terrifying day I've ever had as a parent. I don't know that I will EVER forget how that all felt. I also recognize that we are incredibly blessed in that, for the most part, things turned out absolutely fine. That youngest kid of mine though...wow he can scare me!
There have been many days this school year where I feel like I've kind of "held my breath" until he got home from school. He's had a rough cold, and now I'm wondering if he may have had that "something68" virus that is going around. There have been really hot days, and I just don't want a repeat of last year. Yesterday was school picture day, and it brought back so many memories that I really found myself trying to block out that it was yesterday. Thank goodness Thomas remembered...he made sure he wore decent clothes!
I really feel that life is very blessed right now...and that scares me. We are in such a good place again that I feel as though the only way to do is down, and I don't like living in constant fear. I really, really need to learn to relax, and in the meantime, I really do count life's blessings!
UPDATED: I learned this afternoon that a little girl passed away at a local daycare center after passing out on the playground. It absolutely seems unreal that this would happen, and that it would happen on this date almost makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stop thinking that could've been us last year. My prayers go out to this family, and I also send even more prayers of thanksgiving for the blessings of my kids!
There have been many days this school year where I feel like I've kind of "held my breath" until he got home from school. He's had a rough cold, and now I'm wondering if he may have had that "something68" virus that is going around. There have been really hot days, and I just don't want a repeat of last year. Yesterday was school picture day, and it brought back so many memories that I really found myself trying to block out that it was yesterday. Thank goodness Thomas remembered...he made sure he wore decent clothes!
I really feel that life is very blessed right now...and that scares me. We are in such a good place again that I feel as though the only way to do is down, and I don't like living in constant fear. I really, really need to learn to relax, and in the meantime, I really do count life's blessings!
UPDATED: I learned this afternoon that a little girl passed away at a local daycare center after passing out on the playground. It absolutely seems unreal that this would happen, and that it would happen on this date almost makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stop thinking that could've been us last year. My prayers go out to this family, and I also send even more prayers of thanksgiving for the blessings of my kids!
Monday, September 8, 2014
Community
As we approached the year mark of our move, we were often asked if we felt settled in our new community. That question was trickier to answer than you might think. Our house is definitely our home, and we definitely feel at home in this neighborhood. This neighborhood community is definitely a safe haven. I also feel very much at home in the school community. People connected to the schools, particularly the high school know me and I know them. The town community though...that is a different story. That is not something to which I feel connected. This town is larger than our former town, but more than that I think it is the college factor. In our old town, pretty much everyone was connected. You had either lived there your entire life and had gone to school there, or you had moved in with your family and still your kids went to school there...the school was the central factor of the town. Here, lots of people have absolutely nothing to do with the school system, and it's just different.
Yesterday's sermon at church was also about community and reconciliation/forgiveness. Last August and September, I wrote often about our friend who had so blatantly disrespected us. I was fairly certain the friendship was irreparable. I was literally losing sleep because I was dreaming about the situation. These friends were invited to my birthday gathering because I felt it was the right thing to do...I basically didn't plan to spend any time with them and to focus on people I really wanted to see, particularly those that came from out of town. Then my dad died just two days before the gathering, and when they walked in the door I walked right over to them and gave them both a hug. Two days later I saw them again, as they made the 40 minute trip to my hometown to attend my father's visitation. Things will never be the same, but they can still be good. We also know that Bob realizes this is a second chance for our friendship. Not once during this past spring did he ever mention the team he was coaching...not how they were doing or ever even mention the word baseball. He understands it is a subject best avoided with us. For our part, moving allowed us space and perspective. It also keeps our kids from ever being in direct competition with theirs, and that is a good thing for our friendship as well. I am grateful for the fun memories we made over the many years, and I am grateful we have found a way to still be a part of each other's lives.
Yesterday's sermon at church was also about community and reconciliation/forgiveness. Last August and September, I wrote often about our friend who had so blatantly disrespected us. I was fairly certain the friendship was irreparable. I was literally losing sleep because I was dreaming about the situation. These friends were invited to my birthday gathering because I felt it was the right thing to do...I basically didn't plan to spend any time with them and to focus on people I really wanted to see, particularly those that came from out of town. Then my dad died just two days before the gathering, and when they walked in the door I walked right over to them and gave them both a hug. Two days later I saw them again, as they made the 40 minute trip to my hometown to attend my father's visitation. Things will never be the same, but they can still be good. We also know that Bob realizes this is a second chance for our friendship. Not once during this past spring did he ever mention the team he was coaching...not how they were doing or ever even mention the word baseball. He understands it is a subject best avoided with us. For our part, moving allowed us space and perspective. It also keeps our kids from ever being in direct competition with theirs, and that is a good thing for our friendship as well. I am grateful for the fun memories we made over the many years, and I am grateful we have found a way to still be a part of each other's lives.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Cooler weather
The cool front finally came through! Yesterday was still a drizzly day with some humidity, but oh goodness...today is absolutely gorgeous! Andrew and Thomas were camping last night with scouts and when I left this morning to take Catherine & Robert to church, I just couldn't believe it. It is so nice to be able to have the windows open...it might even be candle weather!
Saturday, September 6, 2014
My sister's whole world
Last evening I was checking in with my mom. She mentioned that my sister had to put her dog Nuxie to sleep. I knew that he hadn't been doing well lately, and Katie had even mentioned to Thomas last weekend that she thought the end might be near. In our house, Thomas loves all things dog. He loves all dog members of the family even though none of them live with him. After I hung up the phone, I told Thomas, I held him, and we both had a good cry. Catherine was so distressed seeing her little brother so sad, and tried comforting him by pointing out that Nuxie was able to see our Piper and they might be playing together. It was very sweet.
Now, I certainly had no attachment to my sister's dog, and in fact the dog was so neurotic that no one could even be around him for fear of being bitten, but the two most important things in my sister's life have been her dog and my dad. I can only begin to imagine the emptiness she is feeling right now, and my heart aches for her.
Nuxhall Robinson (named after Joe Nuxhall and Jackie Robinson) was such a good dog for my sister. RIP Nuxie.
Now, I certainly had no attachment to my sister's dog, and in fact the dog was so neurotic that no one could even be around him for fear of being bitten, but the two most important things in my sister's life have been her dog and my dad. I can only begin to imagine the emptiness she is feeling right now, and my heart aches for her.
Nuxhall Robinson (named after Joe Nuxhall and Jackie Robinson) was such a good dog for my sister. RIP Nuxie.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Boys of Fall
Kenny Chesney's song "Boys of Fall" is one of my all-time favorite songs. This time of year I could literally listen to it over and over again. It is a song that literally makes me feel fall. And of course, we all know that I love football! Last Thursday was awesome because of the kick off of the college season, and tonight is the NFL kick off! I already know how I am going to spend this Saturday. Thomas and Andrew will be camping, and after I spend several hours watching Robert & Catherine run at their cross country meet, I will spend the rest of day enjoying football. It is that simple.
And yet, I remember three years ago when Robert was actually playing the sport. I really didn't like watching his games, and there were times when I literally dreaded the hours I was going to be sitting at his game. For years I have beat myself up that I am a horrible mother...but now I think I've gained some insight into it. Robert and football were not a match made in Heaven...not even close. Not only was he not very good (that is reality) he didn't like it. In fact there was really nothing about the sport that he enjoyed it all, but he knew that he had made a commitment, and in our family we honor our commitments.
It doesn't help that many of the young men with whom he played (not all, not even most, but still way too many) were the boys who were making life miserable for Robert (and others). It's hard to get excited about a young man who is streaking down the sideline to score a touchdown when I know how he is treating other people.
And more than anything, I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I loved, absolutely LOVED watching Robert run track last spring. In fact, I went to every meet while Andrew volunteered to stay home with the younger ones since he didn't particularly enjoy it. I appreciate allowing myself to let go of some of the "mom guilt"!
And yet, I remember three years ago when Robert was actually playing the sport. I really didn't like watching his games, and there were times when I literally dreaded the hours I was going to be sitting at his game. For years I have beat myself up that I am a horrible mother...but now I think I've gained some insight into it. Robert and football were not a match made in Heaven...not even close. Not only was he not very good (that is reality) he didn't like it. In fact there was really nothing about the sport that he enjoyed it all, but he knew that he had made a commitment, and in our family we honor our commitments.
It doesn't help that many of the young men with whom he played (not all, not even most, but still way too many) were the boys who were making life miserable for Robert (and others). It's hard to get excited about a young man who is streaking down the sideline to score a touchdown when I know how he is treating other people.
And more than anything, I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I loved, absolutely LOVED watching Robert run track last spring. In fact, I went to every meet while Andrew volunteered to stay home with the younger ones since he didn't particularly enjoy it. I appreciate allowing myself to let go of some of the "mom guilt"!
News in the world
I have never been one who wants to watch the news. When a person has anxiety like I do, knowing ALL the things that are happening in the world is not always the best thing. Almost everything that happens on the news is beyond my control...and I need to not worry about it. And worry is EXACTLY what I will do. That is why I've always enjoyed getting my news from the newspaper...it allows me to "pick and choose" what I read.
I'm finding it a little tough to be online these days. There is just so much in the world that is happening, and very little of it seems to be pleasant. Between Russia/Ukraine, ebola, & ISIS, my anxiety level could be off the charts. Add to that the fact that this is childhood cancer awareness month, and next month is breast cancer awareness month, and YIKES. I am aware of these things, and they terrify me. I know that I should learn to let go, and trust me when I say that I try...I pray for peace in my heart. At the same time, I am who I am, and I think I better just take a little break from internet reading for awhile.
Don't worry though...I plan to still be posting. I am enjoying my little corner of the world!
I'm finding it a little tough to be online these days. There is just so much in the world that is happening, and very little of it seems to be pleasant. Between Russia/Ukraine, ebola, & ISIS, my anxiety level could be off the charts. Add to that the fact that this is childhood cancer awareness month, and next month is breast cancer awareness month, and YIKES. I am aware of these things, and they terrify me. I know that I should learn to let go, and trust me when I say that I try...I pray for peace in my heart. At the same time, I am who I am, and I think I better just take a little break from internet reading for awhile.
Don't worry though...I plan to still be posting. I am enjoying my little corner of the world!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
First 3-miler
Saturday morning was Robert's first official run of high school...3 miles. He ran it in 22:38. We are all very pleased with this time. He came in about 140th out of 179 runners, so there is still plenty of room for improvement. We all have to remember though, that he is competing against seniors...kids who are three years older & stronger than he is. Overall it's a good beginning!
He shared his cold
Thomas so very graciously shared his cold with me this weekend. I have felt pretty lousy since Saturday night. We both felt pretty lousy on Sunday and both of us slept most of the day away. We managed to be awake for church/breakfast, and then dinner for my MIL's birthday, and that was about it. I am feeling a little better today, although very low on energy. Thomas still has a cough, but hopefully he is on the mend as well!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)