Monday morning in the middle of March

Another week has arrived, and we are officially in the middle of March.  We are still waiting for the "lamb" portion of the month, but at least this week appears to be a little less "lion."

I'll be honest, emotionally I had a rough weekend.  I wasn't just emotional, I was truly, deeply, sad.  I'm not entirely certain that I am over it yet, but I do feel better today.  I am trying however, not to panic about the work situation.  I am currently off tomorrow and Wednesday, and two days again next week.  That is really more time off than I would like.  And I try to tell myself that I should enjoy those days and it's okay, but right now I am only scheduled for four days the entire month of April.  That is unheard of!  There are only 42 days left in the year, and I would be fine working almost all of them.  At the same time there is nothing I can do about it, and I just try to lift my worries up.

Thomas is still home sick today.  Since it is just a cold and he is old enough, Andrew and I both came into work today.  While I have absolute complete confidence that he will be fine without us, it also completely breaks my heart that I am not there with him.  My most important job in the entire world is being the mother of my children, and since I'm not there, it feels like I'm not doing a very good job of it.  I know that my days of mothering 24/7 are drawing to a rapid close, and I hate that I'm not there for him right now.

I think that is at the crux of many of my emotions.  I'm feeling a little lost in terms of identity right now.  I've been a mom for so long, and I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to do next.  I love, absolutely love my job as a substitute teacher, but it doesn't pay a lot.  I've been fine with that while I've focused on being mom, but it as that winds down so does the benefits of this job.  I know that in about 18 months or so I should be looking for something a little more stable and "permanent", but leaving this makes me sad as well.  Oh goodness, so many emotions.

I am hoping with some nicer weather this week I can get outside a little bit, and I need to start working out again.  Hopefully I'll feel my mood start to lift!