The end of another year

I am pretty sure it was just a few weeks ago that I was sitting here writing about the end of last year...wow.  New Year's Eve does not mean to me what it used to mean.  It used to be about the excitement of another new year.  Now, it simply marks the lightning speed passage of time as my children grow up so very quickly.  The times I have enjoyed the most these past two weeks have been the times we've all been together just relaxing with a movie or TV show, and usually with Thomas snuggled up on my lap.  Even at his age, he still loves to do so, and I don't mind one bit.  I've never let those moments go by without being so grateful and having a full heart.

With Mom's illness it's been another tough year, and yet I felt it was a pretty good year.  It's been stressful at times, but I acknowledge that is probably just the way life is going to be from here on out.  I need to learn to control my stress, and I know that I've already learned to be very grateful for the small moments of peace and to cherish them.  I've been blessed with the most amazing husband ever and I couldn't do what I do without him.  I'm so grateful for the two weeks of school break this year and all of the down time it has brought.  Knowing the activities that the kids want to do next year I am pretty sure this could be the end of that much extended down time, and I've tried to soak up every minute.

We are going to ring in the new year here tonight with the five of us since we aren't traveling to my in-laws.  Catherine is feeling better today, and we are cautiously optimistic that we might all be able to make the trip tomorrow, but we'll see how things go.  I am so grateful for all of my family and friends, and wish everyone a very Happy New Year!

A different plan

Our plans to travel tomorrow have been scratched.  While medicine is doing a fabulous job of keeping Catherine's fever down, when the meds wear off it starts to go back up.  And this folks, is why the schools actually have a policy that your child must be fever free for 24 hours WITHOUT medications before they are to return to school.  I had encouraged Andrew to go ahead and take the boys to his parents, but he really wanted to be with me on New Year's Eve...and I am not going to complain about that.  The current plan is that on Thursday, whomever can make the trip will do so then.  Fingers crossed Catherine will wake up fever free tomorrow and remain that way...but I'm not overly optimistic.  Andrew's parents told us not to worry about coming and just come some weekend...but we pointed out to them that would be March!  Hopefully this bug leaves Catherine, and stays away from everyone else!

The beginning of week 2 of break

Life has been interesting around here.  Our credit card was hacked last week and that is extremely stressful.  The tough part is that we have no idea how it happened, but I do know that I did not spend $4000 for ac/heating work at companies I've never heard of before!

Catherine is on day 2 of running a fever.  Yesterday it was well controlled with ibuprofen, but today we are not having the same luck.  I am becoming concerned about our chances for making it to Andrew's parents on Wednesday...we'll just have to see.  We are also crossing our fingers that no one else gets it.

I am ready to put away Christmas and get back to "normal", but Andrew will hear nothing of the sort, so I guess I will wait until the weekend.  He prefers that we wait until January 6 and I understand the significance of the date, but this weekend seems much more realistic!

I am grateful for another week off school!

A completely, absolutely unscheduled day

There is nothing on our calendar today.  These days are very rare, and the fact that we didn't have to skip an event in order to make it happen is even more rare.  Robert has planted himself in front of the TV for an NCIS marathon, and Catherine and Thomas have hunkered down for day of video gaming.  I have informed Andrew that I might NOT get out of my pajamas today...and we are all totally okay with this.  The kids did get a new board game that we might try out at some point, and I have LOADS of laundry to do, but overall it is just going to be a day to just be...and I am so grateful!

Another fabulous Christmas

Yesterday was really absolutely wonderful.  The kids were THRILLED with their gifts, especially their "big" gift of each getting a 3DS.  Thomas received several Lego sets, Robert received lots of clothes and books, and Catherine was kind of a mix of everything.  We had a very laid back morning and enjoyed our time together.  My sister was kind enough to host us for the afternoon at her house, and we actually got along really well.  Mom was having a tough day and that left G.G. to focus on her so it was just Katie and I getting things ready.  My uncle, two aunts, a cousin/husband/three kids, and a couple of family friends joined us for dinner and visiting in the evening.  By the time we got home last night it was just enough for a quick chat with Nonie & Pappy and then off to bed.  It was truly a spectacular day!

Christmas Eve dinner

Our tradition on Christmas Eve, when there wasn't a large family celebration, was to order Chinese food.  This tradition goes back to my childhood, and Andrew was happy to adopt it when we got married.  This year was a little different though.  At my grandmother's celebration over the weekend, we had years ago gone away from having a traditional Christmas meal.  There were years it was "finger foods" although this year there was BBQ pulled pork, potatoes, and mac & cheese.  My sister decided that she didn't want to go all out with a big meal either, so today's meal with my mom's large extended family will be appetizers and desserts (definitely a fun way to spend the day!), which meant we would have to wait until next week with my in-laws for a big traditional meal.  However, I had purchased a ham at the grocery last week because they had such good prices, and Andrew decided that we would go ahead and have a nice meal just the five of us after church last night.  We even used the china plates, cloth napkins, and crystal wine glasses.

We spent the evening building a fire in the fireplace, and then we all sat down together to watch Charlie Brown.  It is the one night of the year that the kids are anxious to get to bed, and I can't blame them.  Christmas morning (and Santa) can't come until we've slept!

Such sad news

I was in the middle of church when I got word that my friend Haley's step-dad passed away yesterday of a sudden heart attack.  Haley is much younger than me and Dan was only 48.  In many ways he was more of a father to her than her biological father, and this man was also friends with my aunt and uncle.  We are so heartbroken for the family.  Please send up some prayers for them!

It was an incredibly fun day

Andrew knew that I really, really wanted to go to the Cincinnati Reds Hall of Fame this year.  I just thought it was so much to spend when I wasn't really sure that the kids would enjoy it, and getting away without them also seemed impossible, so I hadn't really given it much more thought.  However, on the last day of school last week, he brought home five complementary vouchers!  Someone he has known through years of coaching had sent out an email asking if anyone wanted any because he had some available through his work with baseball.  Andrew was able to get five of them, and although they expired next week we were pretty sure that we could get there over break.  We decided this would be the day, and while Robert and Catherine were pretty indifferent, Thomas was very excited.

We got to see so many fun exhibits and Thomas was especially excited to see names he recognized.  We had watched the induction ceremony on TV this year, so he was particularly excited to see the plaques of this year's inductees...and the fact that one was Ken Griffey, Jr., whom Thomas remembered watching play made it even better.  He had an absolute blast.  When we left, we decided to do lunch, and I remembered that we weren't too far from the Montgomery Inn Boathouse.  The kids love the original restaurant and Thomas said this one was even better because of the view!    This is right on the river and it was really foggy today.  We had a fabulous lunch and then made our way home.

Thomas dubbed it the "best day ever"...a title which I'm sure will be gone in two days at Christmas.  I must admit, it was a pretty great day and I loved sharing this as a family!

The next dive meet

I am very happy to report that Robert showed tremendous improvement in his second dive meet Friday evening.  Unfortunately, a volunteer commitment that has turned into a fiasco prevented me from actually seeing it, but his scores increased tremendously.  We are so proud of him, and looking forward to the rest of the season!

How we've spent break so far

I am enjoying every. single. minute. of this break.  Okay, there were a few on Friday when I announced we had things to get done that weren't so much fun, but otherwise, we've had a blast!  Since Andrew had to get up Friday morning and go to work, I didn't sleep in nearly as late as I had wanted, but since I went to bed Thursday at about 9:30 I still felt pretty rested.  Thursday afternoon Andrew took Robert to a doctor appointment, and then we were all home and just, well, just "were".  We did absolutely nothing productive.  We just sat and watched TV and soaked up the fact that 17 days of break were in front of us...which is why on Friday I actually wanted to accomplish a few things.  Robert had another dive meet that evening, but again, it was a rather unscheduled day.  Saturday we ALL slept in, then Andrew took Thomas to a scouting function.  Robert and Catherine put in a few hours at the church babysitting then we spent the evening with some dear friends from our former town.  We hadn't seen them in months, and there just is no way to describe the amount of relaxing fun we have with them.  Yesterday was the beginning of our Christmas.  Strangely, I am finding the holidays a little tougher this year than last.  Yesterday was tough.  I think it had to do with not only missing Dad, but having Mom be there but not be able to eat, and there is some drama in my aunt's family with some cousins who refused to attend (so glad everyone can be mature and behave like the adult they are supposed to be).  We stopped by the cemetery on the way home, and I always wish I didn't.  While my faith tells me (and I believe) without question that my father is not there, knowing that his body is under that dirt truly sickens me.  I'm not sure if it will be more comforting when the headstone is engraved or not, but I suspect not. 

Anyway, we came home last evening and the stress and sadness I felt during the afternoon began to fade away.  We built our very first fire in our new fireplace, munched on snacks and leftovers, the kids played with their new toys and read new books and watched some TV, and we poured a glass of wine and watched football.  I can not think of a better way to begin our next two weeks off!

I wonder how long I can sleep

This is our last day of school before break!  Andrew has to work tomorrow, but only for a training that should be about an hour long...all of his grades are complete!  Robert has a doctor appointment and Andrew has agreed to take him.  They should be home by 5:30 and then I am wondering how late I have to stay up...can I be in bed by 10:00 tonight?  While Andrew has to be at work by 9, I am not responsible for anyone having to be anywhere until tomorrow evening...so I am wondering how many blissfully wonderful hours my body will allow me to sleep!!!

The beginning of dive

Tuesday evening was Robert's first dive meet.  Andrew was working there as a school district employee, and I was planning to be there in between dropping Thomas off and basketball practice and picking him up.  I now have a better idea of how this works...they do half of the swim meet, letting the (very few) divers dive, and then resume the other half of the meet.  There were seven divers all together, and Robert was the end of the rotation.  Andrew and I got to our seats just as Robert did his first dive (there are six rounds) and we heard his scores...4's & 5's.  We are so clueless about this that we had to ask a nice lady sitting near us how many points were possible (10).  The highest Robert was able to get from any of the three judges was a 6, and unfortunately there were some 3's thrown in there as well.  I reminded him though, that at his first track meet last year his discus throw didn't go 40', and his PR by the end of the season was 112'...so he's got plenty of time for improvement.  He was also the only one of the seven who had absolutely no experience with any of this before.  We are very proud of him taking these chances, and looking forward to whatever the season brings!

Diagnosis: bronchitis

Yesterday Andrew went to the doctor.  He wasn't feeling awful, but the cough he had been fighting had definitely turned into a bark.  The doctor feels he probably has bronchitis.  He is now on an antibiotic, steroid, and both daytime and a separate night cough medicine.  I am very, very much hoping that we can keep this contained to only him...Thomas goes downhill very fast when he gets sick and we don't want that to happen at the holidays!

A new fireplace

Today our fireplace is being rebuilt.  I am beginning to think we are not meant to live in a home with a working fireplace...although both of our houses have had them.  Our first house the previous owners had not used the fireplace.  We had it inspected and we decided it would be safest to install a new liner...not cheap, but the right way to do it.  The fireplace still never seemed to work quite right and as we continued using it, it seems as though the house filled with smoke.  One time I was outside and noticed the chimney was falling away from the house and that there were char lines at the top of the chimney.  Several thousand dollars later we had it all fixed, although we were informed that the liner (by then five years old) was done poorly, but things were safe.  Honestly, I don't remember if we ever used the fireplace after that or not.

When we moved to our current house, the previous owners told us they had used the fireplace all of the previous winter...and it certainly would've been nice to have it last winter!  But when Andrew looked into the fireplace after we moved in, he could see light...definitely not a good sign!  Because our town is near almost nothing, we had trouble finding someone who would come and do a service call, but we finally found someone to come this fall.  The entire back wall of the chimney needed to be rebuilt.  At first I really didn't want to spend the money, but Andrew did a good job of negotiating.  And since we don't live in town, I decided it's really not a bad idea to have an alternative heat source should the power go out.  Granted, it wouldn't be great, but it would be better than nothing.  The workmen are here today, and since it's finals week, Andrew and Robert will be home shortly.  It certainly will be nice when this is done...and just in time for a cozy Christmas hearth!

Not myself

I don't know if it is age or stress, but I am just not myself these days.  I used to be on top of things and know exactly what was happening, and what needed to happen at all times.  Now though, I'm slipping.  I certainly acknowledge there is more going on in life than we used to have to worry about, and the stakes are higher.  By that I mean that if a kid missed a practice, it was rec league and not a big deal.  Now, it's high school, and there better be a good excuse to miss practice.  I'm not complaining...high school sports have a business aspect to it and I totally get that.  It's just that I'm not feeling on "top of my game" these days. 

I acknowledge that I am 40 and that could be a part of it...I'm not getting younger!  But I also acknowledge in addition to my own household's activities, I also have other things going on in life.  I now have my Mom's doctor appointments on my calendar as well.  I haven't attended the ones with her this month as she is doing better, but some further complications have also developed, and while we still don't know where we are going with it and maybe there isn't much to worry about, it's in the back of my head.  Yesterday I was getting a new battery in the van and I suddenly had a realization...for the last 18-1/2 years, I've had a sick parent for all of it but four months.  It certainly hasn't been critical every single day, but it's always been there.  That perspective did help me to cut myself a little slack!

Finals week

Robert is experiencing his first ever Finals week.  I've spent my morning sending up prayers on his behalf.  He is a child who tends to have extreme testing anxiety, and the fact that this week is worth 20% of his entire semester grade is not lost on him.  It is not aided by the fact that he has put forth much less effort this quarter than he did the first quarter, and therefore is a little shakier with the material covered this quarter.  We sat yesterday and did flash cards, and he had a bit of a melt down (as an aside, I'm really tired of my children who are no longer toddlers having meltdowns).  I recognize part of the reason is because he was pretty tired, but without going into details let me assure you that part of the reason he is so tired is his own darn fault.  Regardless of any of this, I've been sending up lots of prayers on his behalf this morning.  Some of them are certainly just that we all make it through his teenage years, but most of them this morning are specific to his exams!

A pretty wonderful weekend

It was one of the most exhausting, and yet enjoyable, weekends I can remember.  Friday evening Thomas had a sleepover of some friends.  They were up pretty much all night and it certainly sounded as though the enjoyed themselves the entire time.  I was exhausted myself come Saturday, but I really did enjoy listening to them have so much fun.  Saturday morning everyone had rehearsals at church for yesterday's program, and then Robert and Catherine volunteered in the afternoon for the church babysitting session, Andrew had to work at basketball games, and Thomas and I were off to visit my mother and grandmother and deliver fruit Robert had sold to them.  Thomas pretty much slept all day, and ended up going to bed at 6PM and sleeping 14 straight hours.  Andrew didn't get home until after 9:30, but we enjoyed hanging out for a little while before trying to catch up on some sleep ourselves.

Yesterday was the children's program at church.  It was absolutely gorgeous and beautiful, and so moving that at one point there weren't too many dry eyes in the house.  It was a beautiful reminder of the real reason of the season and I just can't adequately express how great it felt to watch my kids be a part of it.  Thomas had a line to read, and Catherine and Robert played their instruments.  I truly enjoy watching Robert play the trumpet because he makes very comical facial expressions while doing so.

Our afternoon yesterday was spent watching both the Steelers and the Broncos win (I've always been a big fan, although it's not like it used to be).  Andrew spent all evening working on writing a final, and I helped Robert study (I'll post about that separately).  Thomas and I spent a little time reading Christmas books, and it just felt like a great way to begin the last ten days before Christmas!

Sometimes it is hard to write

That is the case this week.  It's been an absolutely crazy week, and it's been a tough week as the parent of a teenager.  The hardest part is the same poor choices over, and over, and over again, especially when I thought we had turned the corner.  I can deal with a lot of poor choices, but looking me in the eye and lying to my face is just not one of them.  Lots of prayers for guidance have been sent up this week, and I know that life overall is still pretty good.  It's just that these are not memories I particularly want to hold onto.

Epic elf fail

The elf in our house is named Christopher.  He actually is not an "Elf on the Shelf"...but he is an elf that came with his own book.  My mother gave it to me years before the elf craze was in full swing and I'm grateful.  Christopher is MUCH cuter than the elf.  Anyway, he usually doesn't come until about now in December because honestly, I forget.  It's also nice because I only have to come up with about ten different places that he needs to be.  Our elf does not participate in any shenanigans...he is simply here to keep an eye on things.  And Thomas is ALL about this.  While I can't believe he would still believe, he truly has a magical personality, so maybe he really does...if anyone would at this age it would be him.

Last week Christopher spent three days in the exact same spot.  He was up high, and it's the "out of sight, out of mind" problem.  Yesterday morning he was again in the same place, and it's so disappointing to the kids when he hasn't moved.  The nice thing during the week is that Catherine is out the door before Thomas gets up so they each have a chance to find him on their own.  It's so much fun listening to the giggles...at least on the days I can remember to relocate him!  I always feel so badly when I don't...parent fail!

I'm also so grateful for the magic of Christopher in the sense of joy that it brings...it is the exact opposite of the emotions Robert is bringing out.  He is a good kid and he does so many good things, but right now it feels like every word out of his mouth is a lie.  It's over absolutely ridiculous stuff, like whether or not he ate breakfast.  I feel like we are back to where we were a year ago, where the lies are more automatic than the truth.  As I've always done, I continue to pray for peace and guidance!

I have to brag for a minute

Yesterday, church attendance presented a quandary for me.  I had volunteered to work in the nursery and would not be in the actual service.  Andrew wasn't going to be able to attend with us because he was leaving with a school group for two days in Columbus.  Hm...what to do about the kids?  Rehearsals for the church pageant they are all in were right after the service so leaving them at home and then running home to bring them back definitely wasn't an option, but to leave them unattended during the service?  I just wasn't sure about that.  They are certainly old enough, but Catherine and Thomas especially often forget how old they are when they display behavior.  I didn't see another option though, so we sat them down and expressed our expectations to them.  We then further explained the consequences if I heard any negative comments about them.  After church, I had several people stop me and make a point to tell me how well behaved the children had been.  One woman even told me that she so enjoyed watching them participate during the service and that it just really made her feel good that they were doing so.  I am so proud of my kids!

Six years of blogging

I've been recording feelings and memories here for the past six years.  My youngest was in preschool when I started, and now the oldest is in high school.  My goodness gracious...where has the time gone?  It is so much fun to look back on those earlier days and I'm so very grateful that they are recorded here.  I know otherwise, there are many little things I wouldn't remember.  Things like two weeks ago, when Catherine and I went out to dinner just the two of us.  I was really tired and kind of dreading hearing my little chatter box, but I had a blast and just soaked it all up.  Or last night, when Thomas finished dinner and just came over and sat next to me and leaned his head on my shoulder.  Oh my, love these little people in my life.  Of course, they really aren't so little anymore!

I'm glad I didn't go

Today was a big Christmas home tour in my home town.  There were 11 old Victorian homes on Main St. that were open and decorated...and one of them was my parents' old house.  My parents bought their dream home and we moved into it right after my freshmen year of high school.  My dad spent the next three years restoring the inside, and then the next few years building a giant back porch and brick patio...all keeping with the design of the house.  I moved out the fall after I graduated from college (seven years after I moved in) and my parents lived there another nine years before moving into the current house.  Neither of them really wanted to move, but my Dad's health made it necessary.  It was a 3000 sq ft home with all the bedrooms upstairs...and being an older home required a great deal of upkeep.  I haven't been back to that house in nine years since the day they moved out.  I really debated about whether or not I wanted to see it again, and while I could've made the trip, the schedule of the last couple of days and the rainy weather made pajamas and football seem a whole lot more enticing than a 75 minute (each way) drive and the possibility of an emotional reaction.

I just saw some pictures that a friend took when she went through.  The current owners (same as the ones who purchased from my parents) have made surprisingly few changes, especially considering they've lived there nine years.  The paint colors and even wallpaper borders were exactly the same.  My dad's back porch (it was where he loved to spend his time) looked the same also...and I'm so glad I didn't make that trip to see it in person.  Even though I actually lived in my childhood home (just around the corner from the Main St. Victorian) longer than I lived in this open house, some of my most favorite memories are right there.  While I'm amazingly grateful for those memories, I'm just not ready to come that close to reliving them right now, and to seeing changes that may have been made.  As it turns out, I'm really glad I didn't go.

A first for me

Yesterday afternoon I was taking Robert to dive workout practice (three times a week they work out in the weight room).  Our town's high school is located just outside of town and back in what used to be a field.  Yesterday as we were making the drive down the lane, this "thing" suddenly ran out strutting in front of me and I had to slam on the breaks so hard everything unsecured came flying forward (fortunately just mail).  As it ran on its way on the other side I said to Robert, "What the hell was that?"  He calmly replied, "A wild turkey."  Never in my life had I experienced such a thing, although I do know that they live around here.  It was definitely a sight I shall not soon forget!

It still comes out of nowhere

I just received an email that made me bow my head and begin to cry...I didn't expect to still react like that so quickly over a year later.  My grandmother has made a little Christmas planter and wanted to set it at Dad's grave site.  I can accept the fact that my Dad is gone and I'm at peace with it.  Of course I still miss him and of course it hurts sometimes, but I am very aware of the greater picture of life.  But Grandma's email made the tears flow again, and it's less about my dad than about her son.  No one should EVER have to bury their child.  While I know that my grandmother is also able to appreciate that Dad is no longer suffering, it doesn't change the fact that she outlived her son.  As a mother myself, that reality is heartbreaking.  It also made me think about the fact that Dad doesn't have a grave marker yet.  He is buried next to what will be my mother's spot, which is next to her parents.  Grandma also owns four plots "above" those four, so the stones are already in place.  However, Mom wanted some particular etching done on the stone, and because she got sick as the weather got warmer, it hasn't happened yet.  Regardless of any of that, I am sometimes still amazed by how quickly emotions can overcome.

How we spent Thanksgiving weekend

We had a nice Thanksgiving weekend.  Tuesday was continued school craziness, but that evening we sat down together as a family and watched a few Friends Thanksgiving episodes.  They have some of the best ever, and the kids are now old enough that we can all enjoy it together!  Wednesday we cleaned and picked up before my in-laws arrived, and I made a quick journey to my hometown to visit friends in town from North Carolina...along with their precious five-week-old baby.  Thursday we enjoyed a fabulous meal and terrific company at my aunt & uncle's house, and Friday we took in a high school hockey game and some Christmas lights while mostly just hanging out before my in-laws left early Saturday morning.  Saturday was Christmas decorating, and putting the ornaments on our trees is my favorite activity every year.  We all look forward to it!  Yesterday we finished decorating and putting the house back together, and of course all weekend we enjoyed football!  The Ohio State/Michigan game went exactly as we had hoped, but our Steelers lost yesterday.  For the most part, we all enjoyed the time together.

On the downside, our weekend was full of teenage crap (there really isn't another word for it).  Catherine had an absolute meltdown last night, and she is entirely too old to be behaving this way.  Robert was also up to his old shenanigans again, and honestly it kind of makes me want to throw up.  I really thought he had turned a corner, and I don't think he understands what he is doing to the trust factor.  I just can't help but feel sickened by it, and I can't begin to express how much I have prayed for guidance and good choices.

We have nothing exciting going on this week, but I am grateful to be heading into the holidays.  My shopping is about 75% finished, so I am looking forward to enjoying the season!

I didn't get much sleep last night

I could not fall asleep last night...no amount of counting anything seemed to be able to make that happen.  Strangely enough, the exact same thing happened two years ago on the Monday night before Thanksgiving.  Not sure if that means anything, but it's odd.

I am READY for this break...although breaks aren't what they used to be.  When the kids were younger, breaks means everything stopped and it was time off.  Now, breaks mean there is no school, but sports practices, etc. continue on.  Today for instance, Catherine has the school newspaper after school, Robert has an FFA activity and then dive practice, and Thomas has basketball practice this evening.  Tomorrow Robert has dive again and then Catherine has basketball practice...so not a complete break, but there will be sleeping in!

Andrew's in-laws arrive tomorrow evening.  Originally we had a plan to have a meal with them while still having actual Thanksgiving with my extended family, but since Andrew's brother is recovering from his latest medical issues in an extended care facility, his parents are coming here.  They are staying longer than anticipated and I'm not entirely sure how we are going to pleasantly fill all of those hours, but it will be what it will be.  I have very dear lifelong friends who are at their parents for the week, up from North Carolina.  I have every intention of making the 75 minute drive to my hometown at some point while they are here in order to visit.  A new baby arrived last month and this is my chance to meet him!  And of course all weekend will include decorating for Christmas...I love doing this as a family!

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!

What is it about November?

There just seems to be something about this month...I don't really know why I haven't written in over a week.  Many of the other blogs I follow also seem to be in a rut with very few updates, and looking back over my archives it seems as though November is the month where I just stop writing.  Maybe it's because November is both busy with upcoming holidays, and yet mundane.  Nothing really exciting happens until the end of the month and maybe that's it.

Last week was pretty much a perfect example of life right now.  I filled my gas tank Tuesday evening after dropping Robert at dive practice.  I didn't have it most of the day Wednesday because Andrew was getting the oil changed in his car so he drove the van to work.  When I got in that evening and noticed it had gone nearly 40 miles, I immediately wondered what he had been up to.  As we figured up all the taxiing we do to kids' activities though, it became evident he hadn't done anything but ferry kids around!  On Thursday evening as I was driving Robert to another dive practice...I pointed out that the van had gone 60 miles in 48 hours...without leaving town!  It was just Andrew's drive to work and transporting kids.  That is our life right now.

And I don't mean for it to sound like a complaint.  I am so grateful for all of the opportunities our kids have here...it's why we decided to move here!

A November snow day

Never in our lives have we had a snow day in the middle of November, but it is absolutely gorgeous outside!  The schools closed about 5:30 this morning, so we all slept in...and that is always nice!  We are, of course, hoping that this winter isn't picking up where the last one left off, but for today we are enjoying the gift of time!

Winter's arrival

On Monday, the high in our area was the upper mid 60's.  Tuesday was equally warm, although rain showers moved in later in the day.  I took advantage of the warm temps to get LOTS of Christmas shopping accomplished.  A cold front moved in that evening, and last night's low was in the teens...and tonight we are under a winter storm warning with a forecasted 3-5".  Winter has definitely arrived, and we are hoping for a snow day tomorrow!

Saturday afternoon

Yesterday afternoon was one of those comedy of errors that we'll all look back and laugh on at some point...but not at the time.  At the time, it made me want to cry, but it all worked out and life could've been worse!

My mom is buying the kids a ping pong table for Christmas.  We are really excited about this.  I've purchased the paddles and extra balls and that is what the kids are going to unwrap from her.  The table itself will remain safely in our garage until we are ready for it.  The purchase however, was an adventure.

There is a Meijer in the nearest major community, just over a 10 minute drive away.  This weekend was credit card discount, which means 15% off general merchandise.  I had noticed at another time they had a ping pong table that was $200 which mean I would get $30 off.  Andrew and I ventured yesterday to purchase it along with our weekly shopping.  We were fairly certain it wouldn't fit in the van, but weren't concerned because we have a luggage rack on top.  As an added bonus, it was marked down to $160 and I still got the discount...woo hoo!!!!!  Anyway, we confirmed it wouldn't fit so the gentlemen put it up on the rack, and I started loading our groceries while  Andrew went in to buy tie down straps.  He came back out several minutes later and spend another several minutes removing them from the package, when I quickly realized they were too short.  He went back into purchase longer ones, and returned and removed those from the package.  These however, were not "simple" ones like the first ones had been and we were completely clueless as to the design.  Two college educated individuals are standing there stumped in the parking lot by tie down straps!  Fortunately a kind samaritan with a clue recognized our problem and not only showed us how to use them, but made sure everything was secure so we could get on our way.  We laughed at our stupidity and were all set to leave...when the van wouldn't start.  We had left the hazards on for 45 minutes, and because of the age of the battery and the very cold temps (winter has arrived!) it didn't have enough juice to start the van.  Of course!!!  Andrew went back into the store and happened upon the store manager who had cables, and another manager brought his vehicle over to jump ours.  Seventy-five minutes after checking out we were on our way home!  We took back roads and went very slowly because after everything that had happened I could just see the ping pong table falling off on the road and begin destroyed.  We made it home safely though, and a neighbor came over to help get it down and hide it in our detached garage.  What an afternoon!

My dad has been gone a year

It just doesn't seem possible that Dad has been gone an entire year.  Frankly, there are days (and today is one of them) that it doesn't seem possible he is gone at all.  I am so, so, so grateful for the memories.  I've also been very blessed with emails that I have from years and years ago, especially sharing stories of the kids.  It's like I can literally hear his voice when I read those emails.  I'm not going to lie, today hurts.  I am grateful that today is the beginning of the weekend so that our evening doesn't have to be so structured, but I am also grateful that it is a school day so that, for the most part, I will have the day to myself.  There will be tears.

But life has to go on, and it does.  Today I will spend the day painting Catherine's room.  Not only is it something that needs to be done, I know I'll feel Dad very strongly today because it's something we had in common.  I've also told Andrew that dinner this evening will be fried chicken brought in.  That was Dad's favorite meal, and at the little local chicken place in my hometown he could call up and order his usual...and it would be ready for him.

I'm going to cry today, I'm going to laugh today, I'm going to hug my family today, and I'm going to remember my amazing father.

It's Hump Day!

We are half way through the week!  Two weeks from today we will be on the first day of our Thanksgiving break...woo hoo!  Andrew and I were discussing last night though, that breaks, much like weekends, aren't what they used to be.  It used to be that breaks meant there was nothing much happening...it was TRULY a break.  Now that we have a teen in high school though, it simply means there is no school but the other activities carry on.  Robert will have dive practice twice (have I mentioned his newest endeavor...diving?) over the Thanksgiving holiday, but it'll work out.

This evening Robert will officially be inducted into FFA (Future Farmer's of America...it's really just an ag-science class) and will also be recognized at the President of the Greenhands (Freshmen FFA members).  He has to give a speech, and we are equally excited and nervous for him.  Tomorrow evening will be the annual cross country ceremony...always something going on!

Yesterday I was able to spend hours out and about doing some Christmas shopping.  In spite of my feelings about shopping generally speaking, I actually enjoyed yesterday.  I think it was because I was able to accomplish a great deal and I feel good about it.  I really feel like there is a plan for what we are getting everyone and I feel much less overwhelmed.

So, life is plugging right along.  I've been doing lots of praying this week as parenting a middle school student feels like it is just about the most wretched thing on earth.  I'm grateful though, that we got one through already, and I just continue to pray that I am able to be the parent each of my children needs me to be!

A year since I've heard his voice

A year ago today I talked to Dad for the last time.  Although he was hospitalized at the time, I still never imagined that would be the last time.  He sounded good that day though, and I'll always be grateful for that.  We were inside a large building and my signal wasn't the best, but I can tell you EXACTLY where I was standing in that building when the call ended.  Strange.

I'm going to be honest...I want this week to be over.  I hate wishing away even one second of my children's lives, but I'm just ready for this week to be done.

Christmas Letters

Over a week ago, I began encouraging the kids to make their Christmas lists.  Last Sunday, several ads were in the newspaper, and Robert got right to it.  As with any 15-year-old, his list is rather short (and electronic).  He put it on my desk when he was finished.  Catherine made her list later that evening and put it in the window so the elves would take it.  I have to mention here, we have never had a talk with Catherine about the realities of Santa.  I can only assume as a seventh grader that she is fully aware, but she still follows through on ALL things...and with her personality, I'm just not sure.  By Monday evening, Thomas still hadn't made his list.  I asked him when he was going to get around to it, and he replied, "I don't know.  I've had a lot to do!"  I laughed and asked him what he had going on, and he mentioned homework and cleaning his room...all true.  Finally after his room was completely clean on Tuesday, he sat down and made his list, and it also went in Catherine's window that evening (I have no idea why it had to be her window, but I didn't question).  Somehow it came up that Robert hadn't put his in the window, and Thomas was aghast.  He wanted to know how Santa was going to receive the letter.  I quickly answered that Robert had mailed it.  Thomas wanted to know how Robert knew Santa's address, and I explained that we don't need to know...we can just put "Santa Claus, North Pole" and the US Postal service will be able to deliver it.  Thomas pointed out that it is the "US" postal service and I reminded him that they also handle international mail.  Good grief!  Again, he still seems to really believe, although I can't imagine things haven't been said.  At the same time, he has such an innocent and magical personality that maybe he is still a believer.  And regardless, if all of them are just playing along because nobody really wants to break the magic...I am a-ok with that as well!

My plans for the day

I must admit, I am looking forward to today.  It is pretty chilly outside, so it's the perfect day to just hang out at home.  Andrew will be venturing nearly three hours north to the playoff football game, which means I will have TOTAL control of the TV remote this evening! :)  I have nowhere to be except a parent performance by Robert's marching band, and I'm planning to just enjoy the day and get a lot accomplished at home.  Tomorrow Robert has to be back at the school at 7AM, and I'm going to head north to my hometown for a little shopping and visiting with family.  I should be back early enough tomorrow to enjoy a quiet afternoon and college football!  I cherish times like this!

Processing emotions

I'm sorry for yesterday's little pity party.  I realized that at the root of it was 18 years of anger.  For the last 18 years, I've had a very sick parent...with the exception of the four months immediately following Dad's death while we were grieving him.  I spent several hours yesterday crying, and I can't tell you the amount of guilt I feel about that.  My life is immeasurably blessed, and the added expenses are more than covered in our savings account.  I am grateful that there are still options, and that we are able to make another attempt.

At the same time, I need to remember that it's okay to acknowledge we've been through a lot.  There have been some really, really tough days in the last year.  If I have a bad day sometimes, I need to allow myself to have that bad day.  The important thing is that those bad days don't keep us from functioning.  We can't act on those bad days by lashing out, but it is okay to feel sad and angry.

My parents both have had amazing attitudes through their illnesses.  NEVER did I ever see a parent cry over their circumstances (other than 1996 when it was initially feared my dad had lung cancer) and NEVER have I ever heard either parent wonder, "Why me?"  My parents have been amazing in that regard, and I've tried to emulate that in my own coping.  After all, if they are doing great, why shouldn't I be?  But I'm not in their head, I'm not in their private thoughts, and I'm sure they've had bad deals of sadness and anger as well.

So, today is a new day.  I'm going to stop beating myself up over the feelings of yesterday, and I'm going to move forward with whatever today brings.  The important thing is...we CAN move forward!

Feeling selfish

We just got some more information on attempts to dilate my mom's esophagus...and I am feeling unbelievably selfish.  We had originally been told Indianapolis was the place to be, but the GI doc said he wanted to check Columbus and Cincinnati as well, and he hadn't even ruled out a local option.  Mom called today and the best place to be...Ann Arbor, Michigan.  This location is 4-1/2 hours away from my kids and three hours from my Mom's home.  She is ready to move forward full steam ahead, and I feel a little bit like I rained on her parade.  I will of course do whatever we need to do, but I recognize we are now looking at travel and overnights away.  We don't have friends here like we did in our former community, and it's going to be tough with the kids.  Not to mention the added expense of hiring someone to help with Thomas before school, the added expense of a motel stay, the added expense of the gas and wear on my vehicle, and the added expense of the meals while gone.  I think the reason this is upsetting me so is my sister.  She lives less than two miles away from my mom, yet through everything she has been to ONE doctor appointment and transported Mom to her radiation or chemo treatments twice...and the chemo treatment she just dropped her off and went back.  I know that my sister has a full time job and I'm not working, but her full time job is working for herself as an attorney.  I understand not working means no income, but at the same time there are so many things she could do from anywhere.  I can't transport my kids or see their activities from 4-1/2 hours away.  I feel so guilty for my selfishness.  I know that I should be grateful that there are still options, but right now the logistics and expenses seem overwhelming.  The good news is that nothing has to be handled today.  I can allow myself today to selfishly have a good cry about it, and as soon as we get information from Michigan, I can get to handling things.

Around our house

Life around our house is chugging along, BUT there is no school tomorrow!  The schools are polling places for the election, so the school prefer not to have students in them.  Andrew still has to work, but the rest of us are home...and get to sleep in!

We received good news today regarding Catherine and basketball.  There aren't enough girls registered for a 7/8 league, but they are going to allow the 7th grade girls to play on the 5/6 league.  I think this will be a great experience for Catherine.  She still gets to play, and as one of the older (although still, sadly, shorter girls) she might get to experience more leadership.  My mom was concerned that Catherine may not want to play with the younger girls, but as I suspected, she was a-ok with it.  She also has her first band concert this week and is looking forward to that.

This is the last week of marching band for Robert.  Saturday they have their final band competition of the year.  They have to be at school at 7:30 and if they qualify for finals it won't be until after 10PM that they get home.  Based on this past Saturday though, I'm not terribly optimistic about their chances for success.

The kids are starting to work on Christmas lists.  They are short and expensive this year, but that is their age!  Thomas has been doing a great job of actually purging things in his room.  In many ways Andrew and I are a little sad about it, as it means he's growing up and getting rid of the toys.  At the same time...thank goodness he is making room and being reasonable!

I am finding it so hard not to wish away the entire month of November.  It's a pretty month and there is actually quite a bit of downtime...but we are ready for the holidays!

Remembrance Sunday

Today is Remembrance Sunday at church...and that is why I didn't go.  It is a celebration of those who have passed on in the past year, and I couldn't stand the thought of sitting (and sobbing) through that.  One year ago today was the very last visit I ever had with my Dad.  It was truly such a fun afternoon full of so much laughter.  The kids enjoyed themselves, we got a lot done for my parents, and it was just such a great afternoon.  I am very grateful to have had that experience, but I am also realistic about my emotions, and I prefer not to cry like that in public.  I am very grateful to my husband for understanding.

Proud of my girl

I am very proud of the way Catherine handled the news yesterday.  She was very sad and disappointed in the morning, but she didn't let it ruin her day.  She wasn't grumpy and she didn't sit around and mope all day.  She found a great deal of comfort in cuddling Rosie, her favorite of the three cats, and she also found a great deal of comfort in going through her Halloween candy.  I know many who would be appalled I allowed her to be rather unfettered in that regard, but I am a firm believer in allowing oneself a treat.  We rarely have candy in this house, my children are very active, and Catherine definitely does not have a weight problem so a bunch of candy yesterday it was!  Anyway, she had a good day, and enjoyed the fact that her brothers were gone a great deal of the day and she got control of the remote!

It's not what it sounds like

Today I was explaining to Thomas that during children's music time at church they are going to begin rehearsals for the Christmas pageant.  He was less than pleased by this.  I didn't understand, as it isn't exactly like he enjoys the music time anyway.  I mentioned it again later, and he asked if boys had to do it also.  Andrew and I laughed...it's not a beauty pageant son, but we understand your confusion!

So disappointing

Catherine didn't make the basketball team.  I am so heartbroken for my daughter.  I was taking Robert to scouts in our former hometown, so Andrew picked her up.  The coaches had told her that each girl would receive an envelope with a letter telling them whether or not they made the team.  I was home when they got home, sitting at my computer desk, and I could tell by the way she came through the door, even though I couldn't see her face, that it wasn't the news we wanted.  Andrew followed and just shook his head.  I went to her and just gave her a big hug for a long time and told her how proud I was of her for trying out and doing the best she could.  Andrew joined us for a group hug, and it just broke my heart how her tears fell.  There is a chance that she might still be able to play rec basketball, but they aren't sure yet if they will have enough girls participate.  We are signing her up, and we'll see what happens.  I know how badly she wanted this, and I really wanted it for her.  I am really hoping that we can find something that is her niche!

I survived another Halloween

Even as a child, I found Halloween to be exhausting and exasperating!  I was only two in this photo!

I have never been a big fan of Halloween.  I really don't understand my feelings about it, but I remember being a child and refusing to dress up.  My mom stated I wouldn't get any candy without a costume, and that was fine with me...this coming from a choc-o-holic!  I don't even enjoy passing out candy and am very grateful that my husband was willing to go late to the football game in order be home and have fun with the kids.

I do however, enjoy seeing my kids have fun.  Catherine and Thomas joined Kona & Bella, two friends from the neighborhood, and they were given specific instructions to follow.  Andrew followed along for a bit to make sure all was well, and they were even home BEFORE they had to be.  I'm grateful it's a Friday night and we can just hang out.

I'm also grateful that our area ends the trick-or-treating as early as it does.  Catherine has her final basketball tryouts at 8AM, and she will know by 10AM whether or not she is on the team.  Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed!

It is way, way too early in the morning

Not only do I think 5AM is way too early to be up, I've actually been up for over an hour.  My alarm was set for 3:55AM.  Ugh!!!!  Robert had to be on a bus and that bus was LEAVING the school at 5AM.  He was elected president of the Greenhands (freshman group) of FFA and today is the national convention in Louisville...three hours away.  I appreciate the group saving us the expense of an overnight stay, but it's super early!  He will be back at 10:30 tonight so it's going to be a long day for him.  He's definitely a "car sleeper" though, so that will serve him well.  He has a very busy few days coming along here, but I am so proud of the person he is becoming!

Basketball tryouts

This Friday evening and first thing Saturday morning, Catherine is going to be officially trying out for the 7th grade girls' basketball team.  She mentioned today that there are at least 16 girls trying out, and my heart fell.  That means 1 of every 4 girls will be cut from the team, and I don't love those odds.  I know that she is very far from being the best player on the team, but she really enjoys it and she really wants to make the team.  I would love, love, love for this to happen for her, so if anyone has any good thoughts to send her way early this weekend we would really appreciate it!  I did learn that apparently she is actually a pretty decent three-point shot, so I am hoping that might be able to tip the scales in her favor.  She said that the coaches will let everyone know as soon as try outs are over on Saturday.  I think I'm going to have to send Andrew...if it doesn't go the way we hope I just don't know how I'm going to be able to comfort her when my heart will be breaking right along with her!

We did get really fabulous news at parent/teacher conferences this evening.  She is doing a fabulous job in her classes and we are really proud of her.  Her teachers all commented on her work ethic and that she is doing a great job of participating in classes.  This is not at all the girl who went to elementary school a few years ago, and I can't help but feel it is due in some part to making our move here.  I am so proud of my girl!

Yet another birthday

I am grateful that I am around to see another year.  That might sound morbid, but life is certainly not a guarantee.  I was pretty sad yesterday about this birthday because it is the first without my Dad.  In fact, my birthday last year was the very last email I ever received from him.  I'm grateful that I got a lot of the emotion and sadness out yesterday and that I could still enjoy today.

We all spent the day as a normal Monday, and I spent the day volunteering at the middle school and high school.  I was able to have another person I know volunteer with me, and we get along very well so it was kind of fun to spend the day with her.  I informed my family that I didn't want a big deal made about the day so we didn't go out to dinner.  Instead, I made a chicken marinade stir fry, and it was really good.  Next time I'll have to be more prepared and have more things to put in it, but I was happy with it as it was!  Andrew and the kids bought me a new sweatshirt, and as simple as that sounds, it was exactly what I wanted.  Most of my sweatshirts are old & raggedy, yet it is certainly something I would never spend money on for myself.  We had to squeeze dinner in between Thomas getting off the bus at 4:30 and Robert having to leave for band practice at 5:30, but I really enjoyed the day.  It makes me very grateful for friends, family, & life!

Wish I could hit the brakes

I really do...I wish I could hit the brakes and just stop time.  And then again, I don't.  Where would I stop it?  My first thought was before Dad died, but he was suffering and I certainly wouldn't want to extend that.  Then I thought maybe back to before Dad was even sick, but then I wouldn't be married with my amazing children.  So no, let's not stop time, but oh goodness, it just seems to be flying by so quickly.

We are heading into the final week of October...this month absolutely flew by.  We are so very much looking forward to the holidays around here, yet I am NOT looking forward to the early parts of November.  There are going to be tough days, and I am certain of that.  It won't only be the memories of Dad and his passing, but things with Mom as well.  If we are able to proceed with a specialist for her esophagus it is going to involve traveling...one of my absolutely least favorite things to do.  I know I shouldn't complain, but I'm not looking forward to it.

Since the males in our house were camping last night, we are having a quiet Sunday afternoon.  I am grateful for these moments.

Wishing I'd had a nap

Yesterday I spent all day at the kids' school doing various volunteer projects.  I never love the days when I have to be out of the house at 7AM, but I did enjoy visiting with adults.  This morning was another early morning as I took Robert back to our former town for his scout meeting.  Thomas had art class here in town while we were gone, and when we returned Andrew, Robert, & Thomas left for a scout overnight camping trip.  Catherine and I left to do some shopping, and the weather made it just perfect for a nap.  If Andrew had been driving, I'd definitely have been asleep!  Catherine and I were gone over two hours and when we returned I decided to close my eyes for a bit.  The phone kept ringing though because my mom would remember something she wanted to tell me, so I decided to just scrap that thought and go to bed early...now I'm just trying to determine how early I can do that!

Wednesdays have become my favorite

These days, with the exception of the weekends, Wednesday has become my favorite day of the week.  Because it is an early release day for the school district each week, there are almost never any after school activities scheduled (although not true next week).  I love the fact that Thomas is off the bus by 4:00 and even if Catherine attends the after school bowling, everyone is home by 4:15.  And tonight, we have nowhere else we have to be!  As the days get chillier, I am even more grateful for these cozy evenings at home!

My mom's phone calls

Today my mom has called several times...mostly to tell me things I didn't necessarily need to know but she had no one else to tell.  I was starting to get a little annoyed as I was trying to get some things done around the house, and then I remembered what a blessing these phone calls are.  Last year after Dad died, it was very similar.  Mom would call to tell me nothing in particular, and I always felt it was very important to take the time to talk with her.  Andrew and the kids were very patient even though the calls could take an hour or more.  It was one of the reasons I didn't go back to work last spring...I wanted to be there and let Mom know I would always be there.  Then this summer, she was way too sick to talk on the phone.  I called nearly every day during the treatments, and then by mid-July only called every other day because I was trying not to disturb her...and we had reached a point where nothing new was really happening.  I am so grateful that she is back to being able to just chat.  These phone calls are blessings!

The kids

I feel badly that I haven't posted more about the kids lately.  Part of it is that they are older and honestly, spend less time at home.  Part of it is the fact that, along with having their own lives, they have their own stories as well, and they aren't necessarily mine to tell...but I do want to update.

Robert is enjoying high school and is involved in everything.  We keep telling him he doesn't have to try to fit four years of activities into the first semester!  He really enjoyed cross country and LOVES marching band.  I think what he enjoys most about that is the hours and hours of freedom from us that it gives him.  We had anticipated attending a competition or two during the fall, but that isn't going to happen.  For one thing, they aren't near by, and admission prices are at least $8, and in some cases $10.  We could leave the younger two at home to save money, but they would need a sitter that would far surpass the cost of admission...and $40 to see a band competition is not how we choose to spend our money.  They will perform their show for parents in November so we will see it then.  He has also been elected the President of the freshmen group of the FFA...another VERY time consuming event.  He is thinking about trying diving as a winter sport, but we'll see what happens about that.  He has also found an Eagle Scout project for himself and is beginning the process of getting that approved and underway.  He is doing a very decent job of managing his time and school responsibilities.  I'm enjoying this phase of his teenage years.  It is so fun to see his sense of humor and a glimpse into the person he is going to be.

Catherine is definitely entering the middle school phase of life.  Ugh.  Andrew tells me middle school=brain dead, and I am often astounded by the poor choices made.  On the upside, she is still very responsible and organized and takes a great deal of pride in that.  I don't think she was sad to see cross country end, and we were very proud of her improvement.  She has joined the school's online newspaper and is also going to be trying out for basketball this year.  We know she is very far from being the most talented, but apparently only 14 girls are trying out and the expect to keep 12.  I would hate for her to be one of only two girls who don't make the team, but she has also put absolutely no effort into developing her skills.  She is strong defensively, but is short, can't make a shot, and has poor ball handling skills so we'll just have to see what happens (and please understand, I am not writing this to be overly critical of  my daughter...I would LOVE for her to make the team but want to paint a clear picture of the situation).  Her scout group was going to disband and reform as a "Frontier Girls" group, but the leaders have all been busy, and since it is a 45 minute drive we haven't pushed the situation...it isn't like we are sitting around with nothing to do!

Thomas is also doing well in school, and while still the typical "baby" of the family, his responsibility level has increased.  He is playing rec basketball again this year and is also still in scouts.  This is the final year of cub scouts before he crosses over in February.  I'm not sure if he is really going to want to continue but we'll figure it out as we go.  He started art lessons this past weekend at the local university.  It is six weeks of a children's art class.  He absolutely loves it.  He is such a perfectionist though, and is easily frustrated if something doesn't work out the way he thinks it should.  Other than that, he's pretty much going along loving life like he always has!

I am so grateful for this time in life, and I am so grateful that I'm able to really experience it.  My kids are amazing!

Mixed signals

I've always been a person who believed in "signs" and that everything happens for a reason.  I understand not everyone feels that way, but it's always been my belief.  I've been told that the only "reason" something happens is the reason I assign to it, and perhaps my "signs" are just me processing information and reacting to it.  Regardless of the thoughts of others, lately I really feel like I've been getting mixed signals!

This summer I very much knew that I wanted to be home this year.  Andrew preferred having the extra money available, but he has always said he will support whatever decision I make.  He is also very clear that if we do decide that one of us is going to be home, it definitely isn't going to be him...he has absolutely no desire for that.  As the summer progressed and it became obvious that my mother was going to need me, we agreed it was for the best that I not be working.  Even though she is in remission, she is having a great deal of complications from the treatments, and I've considered them all to be a sign that I wasn't supposed to be working.

But there have been mixed signs...very expensive signs.  In addition to the added expense of helping Mom (it's over $25 in gas just to make the trip to her place...not to mention meals on the go, picking things up for her, and occasionally a sitter here for the younger ones). we've had other unexpected expenses.  This summer we had some major car repairs on Andrew's vehicle, and we pretty much know that it is on borrowed time.  We also had to put new brakes on my van, replace our garage freezer, and now the issue with the water.  The plumber was definitely not cheap, and now there is evident (although perhaps only to us) damage to our floor that we would like to be able to fix...all of this since July when I really started to think about being home.  Signs that I should get off my rear and go back to work?  Until this school year started we had been able to keep from dipping into our savings, and even now we've done so very little.  I guess I'm just afraid I'm ignoring that "go-back-to-work sign" and until I acknowledge it, we are just going to keep having expensive signs!

Today, I decided I am taking that leap of faith.  I am trusting that it is all going to work out, and I am going to plan on staying home this school year.  The good news is that if something majorly expensive does happen I can always go ahead and sign on to sub this year if we begin to really dip into the savings.  My life has been very blessed.  I am choosing to look forward to the many blessings that I know will come rather than worry about what isn't.

Our plans for the day

We have a busy morning, but the rest of today (and even tomorrow) are pretty unscheduled.  Thomas is currently at art class here at the local university.  This is his first class and it will run for six weeks.  Although Robert is not a varsity runner, he is at districts this morning cheering on his teammates and should return early afternoon.  Andrew is working this morning at the JV football game and should be home mid-afternoon.  I am home catching up on laundry and trying to make sure everything stays organized.  This afternoon though...NOTHING on the calendar, but lots of really good football on TV!  And it will be perfect to fold all of the laundry while I am watching.  Tonight is the BIG Notre Dame/Florida St. game.  I am so excited!  Regardless of the outcome, I just hope it is a competitive (unless by some chance ND can completely dominate)!

Tomorrow after church is Sunday School, and then another free afternoon.  Of course I'm sure there will still be some laundry and the beginning of our "get ahead on our week" things, but overall I am really looking forward to the next 36 hours!

It was a tough, tough week

I'm not going to lie, this was a tough week in our house.  But here we are at the weekend, and everything has worked out, at least for the most part.

The frustrations of the week began on Sunday.  Catherine made some of the worst choices she has ever made.  I was absolutely appalled to be honest, but also recognize that we are heading into what was the worst of it with Robert.  She repeated those poor choices on Monday, and I'll can't lie...it is the repetition of the same poor choices that can really push me over the edge.  It was so awful last weekend that we were forced to miss the birthday dinner of my best friend's husband.  There was simply no way I was going to reward her behavior, and Sunday evening gatherings are tough anyway with the distance we have to travel.

Tuesday was a long day as well.  My aunt arrived at 7:30 to be with Thomas before school as I had to get my mom to a doctor appointment.  It was her radiation oncologist and wasn't particularly notable with the exception that he was running an hour behind.  The kids also had tons of activities that evening as it seemed everything fell on the same night that Andrew was gone with some staff members and I had a meeting myself.  We made it through though!

Wednesday I was doing laundry when I noticed that my kitchen sinks were filling with soapy water.  Definitely NOT a good sign!  After the load was finished the sinks were still full, and I made the mistake of attempting to run the garbage disposal...thinking perhaps there was something stuck in there.  As I did so I heard water gushing back through the hoses into our laundry room.  Fortunately it was right at the end of the school day for Andrew and he came home as quickly as he could.  He got the washer moved and I was able to get things pretty well cleaned up before any real damage was done.  We tried drain clog clearing chemicals and we tried snaking the line with our neighbor's snake, but after 3-1/2 hours we conceded defeat and decided to call the plumber.  The good news (we felt at the time) was that it wasn't effecting the showers/toilets and it just meant no laundry or dishwasher until we could get it fixed...certainly functional.

Thursday was only some minor frustrations with some little things.  They were very little things, but I also recognize that my stress level was VERY high that day, and the little things easily felt like big things.

Yesterday was a very long end to our long week.  I had to be up at 5:00 in order to make the 60+ minute drive to the hospital where my mom was beginning the process of having her esophagus dilated.  I am so very grateful that a good friend of her's offered to drive her there and meet us so that I didn't have to leave my house until 6:15, saving me over an hour.  When I got up I took a quick shower and went out to get a bowl of cereal before I hit the road.  Our kitchen light is pretty dim and is a CFL so it takes a bit before it comes on at full strength, but I wondered when I went to get a bowl why my shoes were squishing.  It began to register that the sinks were overflowing and there was water EVERYWHERE.  The counters were flowing down and there was standing water on our wooden kitchen floor.  NOT GOOD.  I woke Andrew quickly and we cleaned up as fast as we could.  Unfortunately some water had already gone beneath the flooring and we can tell there is some damage.  We are grateful though, because it could've been much, much worse.  Fortunately, Andrew was scheduled to be homes yesterday anyway because of Mom's procedure and since we knew there was a problem he had already scheduled the plumber to come.  While I was becoming concerned about a thousand dollar issue, it was only a couple of hundred for them to snake the lines with a heavy duty snake and determine a food blockage.  They feel the overnight water had been from either the water heater or water softener pushing water through the lines.  Regardless, it is fixed and I will be able to do laundry again!

Meanwhile, I have journeyed to the hospital with my mom.  As we were riding in the elevator I was jokingly telling my mom that since I don't like dealing with strangers in my home, I felt that I get the better task of the day by being with her rather than at home with the plumbers.  That would be when the orderly noticed that the elevator had stopped and the doors weren't opening.  He was pushing the "Open Doors" button and nothing was happening.  I am mildly claustrophobic, and I am very proud of myself for not panicking, although I could feel it rising up inside me!  It was only about 20 seconds before things fixed themselves, but what an interesting/terrifying experience!

Unfortunately, Mom's procedure didn't go well either.  After getting in there, the surgeon was very confidant that any attempt at dilation and stretching the esophagus would result in tearing and rupturing and that is the last thing any of us wanted.  At first my heart fell, because my mom has always been one of those people who truly enjoys food.  The surgeon did offer the suggestion that there is a specialist in Indianapolis who has had some success with more severe restrictions and high risk dilation.  I was so grateful to hear that there is still an option to explore, and as always my mother was positive about the situation and grateful that they hadn't forced what couldn't be done and caused even greater problems.  My mother's attitude is fabulous and such an inspiration.

I got her home and got her settled.  She continued to be in good spirits and just amazes me.  I had told her earlier in the week that I would clean her house since Andrew was home and I had nothing I had to rush back for.  I spent some time doing that before my grandmother arrived to be with her, then I made a quick trip over to see my other grandmother.  I started the drive home mid afternoon, and it was such an absolutely gorgeous drive.  The leaves are even more colorful and vibrant than they had been a few weeks ago, and I couldn't help but be calmed by the gorgeous scenery.  At the same time, due to the timing of everything (and the fact that Mom has no food in the house since she can't eat), I also hadn't eaten anything all day.  I got home to help Andrew with some final clean up and he went out to mow the yard.  He managed to damage both our riding lawn mower and our push mower.  He was pretty upset with himself, but I was pretty philosophical at this point.  It will get fixed and work out okay.  It is the end of mowing season and we can pay to fix them after the first of the year if needed.

I threw some frozen pizzas in the oven while Andrew was dealing with the yard, and it took everything I had to stay awake until 8:00.  I had made a deal with Andrew that I would get up at 6AM this morning to get Robert to school for the cross country bus if he would stay up last evening and pick him up from the marching band bus in the 10:30ish range.  I had no problem falling asleep when I went to bed, and even though I woke up ridiculously early this morning, I actually feel rested.  I can't remember the last time I felt this way.  I know that in spite of the craziness of the week, we made it.  Everything works out and life is good even if it is frustrating or irritating at the time.  I am so grateful for feeling rested and at peace!

Sometimes I wish I could be more like my husband

I don't often feel this way...I am pretty happy and content in my own skin.  My husband and I are fairly different people, but maybe that is what makes our marriage so wonderful!  One of our biggest differences is in the worrying...I do and he simply doesn't.  Trust me when I tell you that I have to really focus on pushing the worries out...and most of the time I just can't do it.  He is very quick to admit he doesn't worry.  He can only control what he can control and the rest just can't be worried about.  Right now I am very envious of that.

At the same time, I recognize we can't both function that way.  Because he doesn't worry and nothing EVER bothers him, he assumes things don't bother others...like his sometimes forgetfulness or lack of communication...or running late (he doesn't worry so he gets there when he gets there).  These things DO sometimes bother others, so that is where my worrying and planning is an asset I suppose.  Trying to remember all blessings today, big and little.

Catalogs

Apparently, October is the official beginning of the holiday shopping season.  I feel badly for my postman who has delivered no fewer than six catalogs to my house...EACH DAY!  Since I don't particularly enjoy shopping, I appreciate the catalogs, although I often find that sometimes I need to see things in person.  The real joy of the catalogs arriving is Thomas.  He devours each one, and I LOVE the giggles and "Mom, look at this" that I keep hearing.  Andrew and I were discussing the memory of being a kid and the excitement of the Christmas catalog arriving.  Sears and J.C.Penney were the two big ones in our area, and oh goodness, I can still remember trying so hard to be patient and wait my turn while my sister got to go through it first.  Such fun memories!

Family fun & Cosby

Friday, our day off, wasn't entirely as relaxing and peaceful as I had hoped.  Andrew decided that we would all venture to the grocery together, and since I am usually by myself with a very specific routine, there was nothing relaxing about that at all!

Once we were home though, we had such a fun evening!  I had decided that we would make our own pizzas for dinner and purchased the ingredients at the store.  Usually I don't enjoy the homemade pizza process because I have to do all the work.  This time though, the entire family helped.  Thomas grated the cheese, I chopped and diced the vegetables, and Robert and Catherine worked on getting the dough ready and putting the pizzas together.  We laughed and had a good time even while getting dinner together.  Then we popped in The Cosby Show and watched a couple of episodes together.  We absolutely love watching this with the kids.  They still think it's as funny as we did when we were kids, and we find it even funnier as parents!  Friday evening was exactly the kind of family time I hoped it would be!

Cross country has ended

Yesterday was the league meet for the kids' cross country seasons.  The weather was pretty good...not to warm, not too cold, and not rainy.  This one is slightly hillier than some, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  It was at this meet last year that Robert collapsed at the end because it turns out he was sick.  He ran first and we were very pleased when he cut eight seconds off his personal record to post a 21:11.  Catherine began lagging early and I was very concerned about her performance.   She managed to cut thirty seconds off her time for a 20:50 (she runs only two miles, Robert runs three).  We were so proud of both of them.  I LOVE watching my kids and their teammates run, and when we realized Catherine was going to set a PR I loved watching how Thomas couldn't stop cheering and encouraging his sister.  I love watching the camaraderie of this sport.  No matter how well or how poorly anyone does, there is always a tremendous level of respect because the person has finished.  I am fairly certain that is more than I could do on most days!

My first paint project

Yesterday was the very first painting project I had done in our new home.  I am one of those people that both love and hate to paint.  I love the way it changes a room when I am done, and I love how nice it looks, but I don't love the work itself!  We had a bright blue wall in our dining room/living room area that was fine, but it wasn't our style.  I had been wanting a brown wall for quite some time, and now I have one.  As a note, I'm not sure this is exactly the color I wanted and it may change, but we'll live with it for a bit and see what happens.

This project was also the first painting project since my dad passed.  This is notable only because of how alike we are when it comes to painting...we are definitely the painters in the family.  I think it is that accountant/detail oriented personality.  We both hate to tape our paint jobs and yet we usually can be steady and careful enough to still get crisp clean lines.  I remember a bookshelf my aunt (Dad's sister) had painted for Thomas.  We were both a little appalled at how sloppy the paint job was.  At the same time, it was for a bedroom so I didn't go crazy worrying about it.  Dad and I used to have many discussions during my paint jobs as to the necessity of primer, what kind of brush, how much sanding, what kind of paint finish...it's just what we did.  I'll be honest, it got to me a bit that there was no one to call to ask if I should prime the wall before painting (since I bought paint with primer I decided no...and I'm such a perfectionist I almost always use two coats anyway).

I had no idea how many little, little things were going to make me miss my dad each day, but at the same time, I'm so grateful I get to think of him each day in so many little ways!

No school tomorrow

Tomorrow is a day off!  I must admit, we are pretty excited!  I love the fact that since today is cold and drizzly, I have no reason to leave the house (other than the bus).  The best part about tomorrow is that after cross country practice at 9AM and trip to the grocery, I have no reason to leave the house again tomorrow either.  Originally we had thought Robert would be at the away football game with the band, but once we learned it was optional, we decided to "opt out" since he has to be on the cross country bus at 8AM Saturday.  I can't even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to tomorrow.  Saturday will be busy with both the league cross country meet in the morning and then a band competition in the evening, and Sunday is church, visiting friends for a birthday dinner, and a bit of shopping as well.  I enjoy being with my family no matter what we are doing, but relaxing time at home is definitely my favorite!

GREAT news!

Mom's scans show no cancer activity!  We are so very grateful, and I can't tell you how relieved Mom is.  We still have her esophagus issue, but we really all feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel in this!

Today we learn the results

In about five hours, we will be learning the results of the my Mom's scans.  I've been feeling fairly confidant about them, but not knowing is a bit tough.  I'll be very glad when we know, and of course our prayers are for a completely clear scan.

I'm also praying for peace in my heart today.  My sister continues to be challenging and while it often makes me sad, I have to work very hard at not being angry either because part of what makes her challenging is her lack of caring and compassion towards others, specifically those in my family.  She is joining us at Mom's appointment today and I pray that although emotions and tensions will be high, that it can be a peaceful appointment.

I'll post the results when I can!

One of my most fun days as a parent

Yesterday will go down as one of my most fun days as a parent.  It was very busy and definitely exhausting, but I really enjoyed every minute of it.  It began early with a cross country meet for both Robert & Catherine.  It was in the same town that we ventured to on Tuesday, and I also knew that because our former school district was there again, and this time our good friend Jen would be there.  We thought that Robert wasn't running until the "open" race at the end, but Kyle was running an earlier race so we got there to watch him.  Thank goodness we did...it turns out Robert did run in that race as well!  As is typical for a fifteen-year-old, communication isn't his strong suit!  It was such a cold and damp morning, but we enjoyed it.  Robert's race had a fabulous ending.  While he still finished in the last 1/3 of the racers, he was involved in a photo finish.  As he and another runner rounded the corner, the Dunbar runner (a school known for its sprinting speed) began to sprint.  Robert kicked it up as well, and a sprint to the finish was on!  Knowing the reputation of Dunbar's speed, I didn't think there was anyway Robert could out sprint the kid for the distance they had left.  He kept just a step ahead though, and as they passed I really started screaming for him.  I then began jumping up and down (my enthusiasm has always been part of my charm, lol) and Robert managed to finish 0.2 seconds ahead of the other kid.  Our friend Jen managed to catch in on video, but because I don't have a smart phone we don't know how to get it off and save it.  Catherine ran her race (and she is no longer walking, so we are pleased) and we came home to warm up before our crazy evening.

We were able to watch some college football and hang out for a bit until Andrew left to meet up with some friends from Florida who were in town.  I was helping Robert get ready for Homecoming, and then we left for group pictures.  It was just so amazing to watch my son all dressed up and be "adult-like".  The other kids and their parents all seemed very nice (although I had to wonder about the folks wearing Alabama t-shirts...hmph) and they were off.  Andrew and I went back to hang out with his friends from Florida a bit more, and by the time we were home near 8:00, I was ready for an early bedtime.  Dream on though, because Robert needed to be picked up from the dance at Midnight, and we had agreed he could attend a bonfire afterwards.  We all (minus the younger two) tumbled into bed at 3:00 this morning and to be honest, we are ALL feeling it today.  I absolutely loved though, hearing him tell us about all of the fun he had last night.  Parenting a social high school student is definitely a new phase, but right now it's a lot of fun!

An unsual encounter

On the mornings when I walk, I walk around the neighborhood.  Our neighborhood is "closed off" in the sense that there is only one way into and out of the community.  Inside the community there is a loop and several cul-de-sacs off the loop, so when I walk I usually walk the perimeter of the loop and a few of the cul-de-sacs.  Yesterday, I was coming out of one of the cul-de-sacs and turned to continue walking the loop, and there stood two beautiful deer.  I stopped in my tracks, and they immediately looked at me and froze.  I wasn't really sure what to do next, but finally I just started walking again.  Both deer turned and ran back into the woods.  I can honestly say it was the first time in my life I've ever been that close to a deer without being in a vehicle.  It was quite an experience...and another unexpected blessing of living here!

A wet and windy Friday

I've really been looking forward to this cold front that is coming through.  I know, I'm "not right", but I just love cool autumn weekends...and for those of you wishing me bad karma don't worry, I got caught in a downpour!

After running hours worth of errands this morning, I am home for the day with my only need to go being to the corner to get Thomas off the bus.  Unfortunately both Andrew and Robert have to spend the evening at the (wet) football game, but I will be home...warm and toasty.  Tomorrow's cross country meet could be wet as well, but we'll keep our fingers crossed.  By the time we gather for Robert's Homecoming pictures tomorrow evening the skies should be clear.  Sunday is a fairly unscheduled day and I suspect we will be using it to rest up!

His first date

Robert has his first official date this weekend...wow, how is that even possible???  It is his first high school homecoming, and he is taking a young lady.  They were set up as mutual friends, and I think initially there was some interest in something more, but clearly at this point they are just going as friends.  Robert also wants to attend a bon fire after the dance at Midnight, and while it's late, I'm inclined to let him go.  I was talking to my best friend Stephanie this evening and we just don't understand.  We remember our high school days so clearly, and we just can't fathom that we are now parenting teens and pre-teens.  Wow, just wow.

Visiting with old friends

Catherine had a cross country meet in a "neighboring" community (I use quotes because it is still 30 minutes away...we live close to very little out here).  Andrew had conferences so I left Robert and Thomas here and made the drive myself.  She set a new PR, and we are very pleased that she is no longer walking during the races.  We will take what we can get when it comes to her.

As I pulled into the park where the meet was being held, I was delighted to see some decals from our former community.  I whipped out my cell when I realized some friends would be there and was able to not only locate them, but visit with so many other friendly faces as well.  I was grateful that many of them (who have sons) stayed to watch the girls race as well and Catherine had quite a cheering section when she finished.  Catherine was also very excited to be able to visit with former classmates and they were all genuinely pleased to see her.

I am so grateful for all of the relationships we had in our former community, and I am even more grateful for the opportunity to reconnect!

Falling leaves

Living in a wooded neighborhood in the fall is absolutely gorgeous.  Andrew and I often talk about how we feel we have the perfect lot.  We have a few mature trees, our back yard backs up against some woods, but we actually have a yard that the kids can play in, and plenty of it!  Not only do we have a yard, but by not living "in" the woods we are less likely to get poison ivy and Andrew and I are both VERY allergic.

This morning after I got Thomas on the bus I took off for a walk.  It was very peaceful with all the colors (although it is cloudy today, so the colors aren't as vibrant), and I love hearing the crunch of the leaves under my feet.  It was a great start to my day!

Little signs

Last spring just as school was ending, I learned my "dream job" was going to be available.  The church we attend was losing it's secretary of 8-1/2 years.  It was perfect in the sense that it was only 20 hours a week and right here in town.  I was certain with my background I would be a strong candidate, and I was very excited.  The best part was that it would start just as school was starting back up, so I would still have this past summer with my kids.  My only concern was that it was every day, and I didn't love that thought, but still thought it to be ideal.

Then Mom really started to feel lousy.  I had decided that it was best I not take an every day commitment.  But then Andrew was so disappointed and I reconsidered.  By the time I really got around to thinking about getting my resume together (I haven't needed one in over a decade!) they had already started interviewing and were about to make a decision.  I told Andrew that was just the way it was meant to be.

And after today I am even more convinced of that.  While Mom is getting better in the sense that she doesn't have daily treatments and her oncology appointments are monthly instead of weekly, it isn't over yet.  She had a swallowing evaluation performed two weeks ago and learned that her esophagus had shrunk to the size of a pencil (I've since seen the pictures and that is overstating the size).  Today we met with her GI doc, and he explained that while it can be stretched, it won't be as easy as originally hoped.  Because of the size it has to be stretched in phases, and because of the location, the first phase has to be performed in the hospital.  It will be outpatient, but in the hospital none-the-less.  He estimates it will take 4-6 stages in order to get it stretched so that she will be able to eat again, and then have to be monitored to see if it needs to be re-stretched.

We were both disappointed in this news, although still grateful that something can be done about it.  She had hoped to be eating again by the end of October, but now we are shooting more toward the holidays.  As we left and I thought about all of the appointments that are ahead due to this, I took it as a sign.  I made the right decision not pursuing the church job at this time.  My mom needs me, and I am so grateful that I can be there for her!

A year ago today

It has been exactly one year since my dad's best friend passed away.  Dad was so heartbroken, and to be honest, he never really got over it and passed just 47 days later.  One of the greatest comforts I have is my belief that Dad was greeted by him on his own passing.  Again, it's been a hell of a year.

An amazingly beautiful drive

Today we had nothing specific marked on our calendar, with the exception of Andrew having to work at the freshman football game.  Since that fell right in the middle of the day, I decided it would be a great opportunity to take the kids up to see my mom.  I know that she has really, really missed them, and although it can be tiring for her, we only stay about an hour so I try to make sure she has an opportunity to see them.  We left here about 11:00 and headed north.  We have had beautiful weather here this week with temps in the upper 70's/low 80's, virtually no humidity, and not a cloud in the sky.  Today is no exception.  For some odd reason*, the leaves are turning here about two weeks earlier than normal, and today's drive up was absolutely gorgeous.  I am so grateful we made the effort to get up there.  It was a great visit for everyone, and the scenery was breathtaking!

*The meteorologists are claiming that the leaves are changing because we have had one of the driest Septembers on record.  That may be true, but there is also a "meteorological rumor" that we are going to have another really hard Winter and get our first big snow storm in October (unheard of around here)!  I am hoping that the leaves changing is not a foreshadowing that the trees know something we don't know!

Mom guilt is tough

Last weekend my husband and I were having a conversation about my working, and he admitted he really enjoys having me at home.  I have such a peaceful feeling about being at home, especially this last year of having an elementary student, as well as managing my mom's many doctor appointments.  But then I look at our budget, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach.  I wonder why I'm not out there doing more to contribute to our budget.  We are by no means going broke...we have been blessed to make smart choices and accumulate a decent amount of savings.  But this past 15 months since I last worked has seen us eat into that savings, although that did table off this year after we got the other house sold.  Yesterday two things happened, that while it made me grateful my kids have realistic expectations of life, also made me feel VERY guilty about not working.

The first was after running some errands.  We had to refill a Rx at Kroger, and Thomas asked if he could look at the Halloween costumes.  I reminded him that we don't spend $20 on store bought costumes and he understood.  He found a costume he really liked and since it was only $10 and checked off one thing to deal with, I agreed.  I was even more delighted when my customer loyalty card gave me another $2 off!  Our rule in our house is beginning in 7th grade the trick-or-treating days are over...I've never been a fan of teenagers begging for candy (let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the entire Halloween experience, but that's another story).  So in my world, only Thomas needed a costume and that was done.

As we were driving home, Thomas asked how much money we had spent at the grocery.  I asked why he was asking, and he mentioned that he was wondering if we had enough money "left over" to buy Catherine the costume she really liked.  Oh goodness, talk about pulling at heartstrings!  My reasoning for not buying the costume was not at all based on money, but rather because of our house rules.  However, I talked it over with Andrew and we agreed that since Robert has a football game that evening and it will just be the younger two and myself, that I would go get Catherine that costume today and surprise her when she gets home.

The second incident happened later in the evening.  Robert has another away football game this evening.  He has cross country practice right after school, and then has about 1/2 hour until the marching band bus leaves for the football game.  We had been bringing him a sub from Subway for dinner on those nights to make sure that he had something decent in his stomach.  Last evening he offered to pack himself extra food instead of us bringing him a sub.  He said, "I know that doing that all the time adds up.  I don't mind just bringing an extra lunch for dinner."  Again, oh the tugging on the heartstrings!  I told him that we don't mind bringing him dinner and we want to make sure he has a meal on those long evenings.

So this is leading me to a tremendous amount of guilt!  First is the guilt of not working and adding to the family income, and secondly is the fact that my children are worrying about it.  I plan to set them all down this weekend and explain that we have plenty of money to cover all of our needs, and I don't want them worrying about it.  We also have plenty of money tucked away to cover some "wants" because we have always made very careful choices, and that as long as we continue to make careful choices we will be fine.

I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me to be the mother of these three amazing children.  I'm pretty sure they teach me more each day than I teach them...and that is part of the reason I still want to be home with them as much as I can.  And that of course leads to guilt about the budget...and well it's just a vicious circle!  I am confidant though, that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to!