Fun family mini golf

Our family had a "clear calendar" day today, and we decided to take advantage of it.  Catherine had mentioned earlier this summer that she wanted to play mini-golf.  Today was not only open on the calendar, but it was a lovely summer afternoon.  It wasn't terribly hot at all, and the humidity was tolerable (until this evening).  I was a little appalled at some of the prices for what amounts to only about an hour of entertainment.  I found a little place though, that on Friday's offered a family special that was not only about 25% cheaper than other places, it included a scoop of ice cream!  Yes please!  We were only gone about three hours altogether, but we had fun spending those hours together.  We had spent time together last evening watching the TV show "Holey Moley II", so that even added to our laughter.  I am so grateful for this afternoon.  I am also very grateful that Catherine has chosen to attend school close enough that we can still have days like this even after she goes to school!

Very disappointing (and discouraging) information

We learned today that our district is going to be voting Monday on a recommendation to begin school remotely.  This is not at all unexpected.  What is COMPLETELY unexpected is that the recommendation will be that school be remote for the ENTIRE FIRST SEMESTER.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would not be allowed to go back to school until January.  It makes my heart hurt tremendously.  Furthermore, they are recommending the complete and immediate suspension of all extracurricular activities.  This is far, far more draconian than we had anticipated.

I completely accept that starting remotely is the safest plan.  I am even aware that with my mom moving, and with Catherine going to college but having some extra medical appointments, having flexibility was going to be important.  Again though, I never in a million years thought that my income would be eliminated until January.  The elimination of extracurricular activities also means that Andrew will lose his supplemental.

We will be okay though.  We told the kids that we aren't broke and it will be okay.  The announcement was also made that the district will be eliminating jobs, but Andrew is not in any danger of losing his position.  We are safe, we are healthy (mostly!), and Andrew has a great deal of job security, and our house is full of love!

I listened to Christmas music

Tuesday I had to make another trip to help my mom at her "new" house.  I decided I wanted to listen to some Christmas music on the way.  I almost never listen to seasonal music "out of season", but yesterday it just seemed necessary.  I love Christmas music, and it seemed a perfect distraction for the drive.  At the same time, it did make me wonder (and worry) about Christmas this year and what it will look like.  I would love to tell myself that is five months away and so much can happen, but we are four-and-a-half months into this hell, so five months doesn't seem that very far right now.  Regardless of all that, I enjoyed belting out Christmas tunes during the drive!

I found an absolute treasure

Andrew has taken Catherine and Thomas to visit his parents.  They left Saturday and will be back tomorrow.  They even took our sweet pup with them.  I'll be honest, I have very much enjoyed the 72 hours of basically no responsibility (other than being at my mom's to help).  At the same time, I will be so glad when they are all home tomorrow evening.

I spent the first two evenings watching movies that I knew would make me cry.  Not only do I not like to cry in front of my family, but I really need a good "all out" cry with all of the emotions I've had lately.  I pretty much sobbed while watching "Steel Magnolias" last evening, but in many ways it felt so good.

For today, my plan has been to watch the Reds game this evening while working on scanning some photos.  For some reason, the CD on which 2009 photos appears to be corrupted, so I am scanning the photos to have them digitized.  Thank goodness I was so good about printing things out!  Unfortunately, the area has had some pretty heavy rain this evening, so while the game will happen eventually, it isn't happening yet.  While eating dinner I decided to see what I might have that I could watch for a little bit.  I came across a video my aunt & uncle had taken at a pool party at their house...in 2006!  I'm pretty sure I had never watched it before.  It's almost an hour of the kids playing in the pool.  I loved watching Catherine.  I had forgotten how determined she was and always on the go.  It seemed like nothing ever scared her.  I also loved watching her older cousins be so sweet with her and so helpful.  I was also able to hear my father's voice.  It was wonderful.  I'll never forget his voice, but it was good to actually be able to hear it again.  He was on the video only for a moment or two as the camera was pointed almost exclusively at the pool, but I did get to see him.  I loved getting to hear his voice, and I loved getting to see my kids be so little again.  Not just in a picture, but see how they moved, and in the case of Thomas, how he screamed (he wasn't necessarily a fan of the pool at age 2).  It was truly a treasure to find that!

We aren't on the trip

Our fourth trip of the last four months is a no-go.  I know that makes us sound spoiled, but this trip was actually a quick two-day get-away that was supposed to replace our cancelled vacation.  We were just going to spend a couple of night at Great Wolf Lodge.  A water park would be spectacular right now because the heat index is currently 104 degrees.  Ugh!!!  Anyway, as things began to explode in Ohio again at the beginning of the month we decided it probably isn't a good idea to do something like that, especially at an indoor venue.  This is NOT a tragedy.  I just hate feeling like my kids are constantly disappointed this year.  But, we aren't worried about paying our bills, so we all need to remember that life is very blessed!

July is taking forever

For the first time I can ever remember, I feel like July is taking forever.  I think it probably felt this way when the kids were younger, and especially those years when school didn't begin until September.  But once we moved and school began starting in the middle of August, July was a month that flew by and made August "loom".

This year though, we have, like everyone else, been home since the middle of March (it's been seventeen weeks, in case anyone wanted to count and lost track).  Overall, it hasn't been awful on a daily basis.  Not at all.  I LOVE not getting up with a number of "5" staring at me on the clock.  Not even a "6", except once this summer.  School is not starting until the end of August, so we have another four weeks of not getting up before the sun.  So this all makes July feel like it is forever.

And I also need to acknowledge, that part of the reason I'm not dreading the end of what is usually a zooming July is that there is a BIG part of me that doesn't believe we will be getting up before the crack of dawn in four weeks either.  The super sent an email to staff this morning that he is beginning to lean toward not starting school in-person.  Well, yikes!  While I love the thought of not having to be up so early, it makes me very sad to not have a "real" first day of school.  I had really hoped that we would have a week in, and then maybe have to go remote.  I know how important those first few days can be for both teachers and students to develop expectations.  But I also know that the virus doesn't really care about that!  As with everything involving this virus, there are so many different thoughts and emotions running through my head!

My mom is moving

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this, but my mother is moving.  She has decided to move into what was my grandparents' house.  To be honest, I've never thought this was a good idea.  The house in which she currently lives is smaller, has a smaller lot, is in a lovely little neighborhood, and is completely handicap accessible.  Every in the family loves my grandparents' house though, and my grandparents built it in 1952 so it's never been out of the family.  My grandmother left the house is absolutely horrific condition.  I'm not sure she had thrown anything away in years.  My sister has been helping a lot, and a good friend of my mother has been very helpful as well.  My cousin and her family have also been at the house a lot.  Our family was trying to be helpful, but we also needed to get ready for Catherine's grad party a couple of weeks ago.  And when Catherine's episodes began happening, mom understood that I needed to be here and focus on life here.  Today though, I was able to make a trip back to Mom's and be helpful.   I know how quickly she wants this done, and to be honest, it just adds to my stress.  In many ways, if school does go remote again, it would give me more time to be helpful, and might even do me good to get out of the house if everyone else is here.  Mom is hoping that she can host Christmas this year.  That would be helpful!

A "swim meet"

Last evening Thomas got to swim in a "meet".  It was only our local team, and even then only 1/2 of the team (the rest swim this evening).  They divided it by age group.  As an aside, thank goodness it isn't this evening while I am watching the Reds game.  Although it was no where near "normal" (we weren't allowed inside the fence, and many other differences, it was still nice to see my kiddo in the pool.  He has got to learn to KICK!!!!  Ugh!  Anyway, we enjoyed having an evening to almost feel like things in the world aren't overwhelming.

When we got home last evening though, my emotions took a hit.  Thomas mentioned when he got in the vehicle that his 50m free time was faster than the best that Robert has posted.  I wasn't aware, but apparently Thomas had texted Robert to let him know in hopes that Robert would be proud of him.  Of course, Robert didn't respond.  We don't even know if Robert still has the phone number.  I suspect he does not.  It hurts to see my kids disappointed when it comes to their brother.

Overall though, it was fun to watch some kids in the water last night!

Opening day has finally arrived!

I just about 4-1/2 hours, the Cincinnati Reds are beginning their baseball season.  I am so looking forward to having something decent to watch on TV.  Andrew and I have mentioned how there are many times it would've been nice to have a game to watch.  The Reds are supposed to be improved over the last couple of years, so I'm glad we get to at least have an attempt at a season.  We'll see what happens!

I stood in the doorway and cried

My emotions are all over the place.  Read my post I just wrote earlier...that's just a start.  There was also the hurt in my heart regarding Thomas snd his former girlfriend from last night.  My "little" guy wanted a hug from his mom because he was hurting.  A lot of emotions all right there.

We also received word yesterday about Catherine moving in to her apartment.  As of right now, we are planning on her living at school.  My sweet girl is moving out in a couple of weeks.  I don't understand how we got here so very fast in life.

My hormones are also out of whack, and today's date doesn't help.  Twenty-four years ago today my dad first became ill.  My mom and sister were out of town, and I hadn't realized Dad hadn't felt well.  I came home from work that day, and Dad was home.  His boss's wife (a nurse) had convinced Dad to go to the doctor, and although we didn't know it, his seventeen-year journey was beginning.  I can't explain how much I miss him.

Our routine has been that once Catherine goes to bed, we check on her frequently until we are certain that she is asleep.  The previous two evenings we hadn't seen any episodes, although I was fairly certain they had happened without us observing them.

Last night, I checked and she was having an episode.  It wasn't intense, and it was still less than a minute.  Andrew came and put his hand on my shoulder, and my resolve gave out.  My breaking point had been reached, and I began to silently cry while watching her.  I just needed this to stop.  I need to know that I am sending her to school, out into this uncertain (and now x's 1000!) world without this added element.  When her episodes began weeks ago, Andrew had talked to my mom and told her he couldn't believe how strong I was being about it all.  My mom told him that she wasn't surprised, but that there would come a time when my emotions about everything would all come out as well.  It seems as though right now is that time.  It all just seems so overwhelming and more than I can handle right now.

Of course though, I will handle it.  We will get through this, and I have faith that Catherine really will be okay.  She sees a counselor next week, although we are STILL waiting on the hospital system to call for other evaluations.  Lifting us all up in prayers of gratitude for how blessed we are, but also some prayers for Catherine.

Thoughts racing through my head

I am going to share the thoughts that race through my head on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis.  I KNOW that I am not the only one feeling this way about things...

me:  I can't say that I've missed band camp this week.
also me:  I miss the kids, and I regret that Thomas, who loves band dearly, isn't going to get to have much of a season.

me:  I'm not sad that we didn't have to deal with swim championships or twice daily swim practice commitments.
also me:  I regret that the kids didn't really get to have a swim season, or that Catherine missed her last opportunity for swim.

me:  I am looking forward to being back at school in a month.
also me:  What is that going to look like?  Is it safe?  Is it even a good idea?

me:  I can accept the fact that it might be best to begin the year learning remotely.
also me:  I will lose my income, and Andrew will lose a significant supplemental.  Thomas struggles with learning in that environment.

me:  I just want us all to hunker down and isolate ourselves to be safe.
also me:  Being isolated isn't mentally and emotionally healthy for us.

me:  I am so grateful our family has had this extra time and we've been able to go through this together.
also me:  I hate that my kids have missed out on so much, and I feel so awful for my 89-year-old grandmother who has spent so much time alone these last few months.

This is the kind of up & down, back & forth thoughts and emotions I've been having.  I know this is perfectly normal right now. I know many others are experiencing all of this, and I know that we will all get through this.  But I'll be honest, it's tough right now.

It hurt him all over again

Five months ago today, Thomas's girlfriend broke up with him.  It was a very sweet and innocent relationship, and they had been together six months when she ended it due to lies by another girl.  The fact that the girl wouldn't believe they were lies hurt him a great deal.  Honesty is a very big thing in our house.

This evening was an event at the city pool.  The young lady handed him all of the things he had given her.  Things he had picked out just for her and spent his own money on.  He was sad when he got home.  I asked if he needed a hug, and he did.  He said it made it fresh and made it hurt all over again.  My heart hurt for him.  I asked if he was going to give back the stuffed animal she had given him, and he said he wasn't.  I don't blame him.  We are all a little attached to the animal.  I know he will have many more relationships, and there will probably be more hurts.  I am also sure that he will break hearts as well.  This though...well this just stinks today.

The rain adds some heaviness to already weighty things in life

I'm not going to lie, I've been having a more-difficult-than-normal time dealing with things lately.  I truly long for "normal", but I certainly can not force it to be such.  I want my kids to have the opportunities of swimming and band competitions, but I recognize that it isn't safe for those things to occur right now.  I long to visit with friends, and relationships and human contact are integral for good emotional and mental health...which can have an impact on our physical health as well.  I want to be in church and share worship service with others.  But visits and church services are not currently safe.  I acknowledge all of this, but it makes my heart heavy.

School begins in just over a month.  As of right now, we are scheduled to begin in-person, as normal as possible...whatever that might be.  I want to be able to work.  Is it safe?  Are we putting our family in jeopardy?  I completely understand the concern of families who need to work and have no child care available.  It's all just so unknown.  And for today, with the constant rain, it all feels so very heavy.

Covered bridges

The county just north of where we live has eight covered bridges.  I decided today would be an awesome day to check them out...and I was right!  We packed a cooler with drinks and snacks, and even our sweet pup got to go along.  It turns out that six of them are still functional, and at five of those you don't even really have a place to pull over and get out, so we literally just drove through them.  Three of them (including one functional one) are located at parks (the two non-functional ones have been relocated), so we were able to get out and get some photos, and even take a little walk at one of them.  We really enjoyed getting to see places very close to home that we had never had reason to see before!  And of course, we finished our day with ice cream!  For the price of 1/3 of a tank of gas and ice cream treats, our family really enjoyed spending our afternoon together!

We had a great weekend

Other than some frustrations and emotions yesterday, we had a really great weekend.  Friday we ventured about an hour away to attend the graduation party of a friend's son.  It was in a barn, so we generally felt safe being around people.

Saturday evening our dear friends came over.  It was the third consecutive Saturday evening we had spent together, as well as seeing them at the grad party Friday evening.  The day was hotter than heck, but since they didn't come until the evening it was more tolerable.  We left the kids to order pizza while we drove about ten minutes to a winery.  We did a tasting, then had a wine slushy.  Oh goodness, that was good!  We then drove back to town for dinner.  After dinner, we picked up all the kids and walked around campus.  Our friends are both alums, although I didn't know either of them in school.  We have several mutual acquaintances from those days, but I didn't know them.  It was such fun to walk around together, and our friend took some fun pictures of the kids.  We only had about an hour of daylight, but that was plenty because even at 9:30, the heat index was 92 degrees!  Ugh!  They came back and hung out for a bit before making the drive home.  We are so very grateful for their friendship.

Last evening, our family sat together and watched the movie Tin Cup.  I knew Thomas especially would enjoy it, and Catherine did as well.  I love listening to my kids laugh (although their need to provide continuous commentary during a movie makes me a little crazy!).  It was really a fun way to end a really fun weekend!

A year ago tomorrow

Tomorrow marks one year of a day that represents a tough situation.  While I know the rest of my family remembers the day as well, none of them could tell you the exact date, but I can.  I don't want to "air dirty family laundry", but I do want to explain some things.

It was a bright, warm Saturday.  We had absolutely nothing on our calendar.  With two active teens involved in band, swim, job schedules, and other summer fun, an "empty" day is rare (at least until the virus hit).  We had some chores we wanted to accomplish, but no set schedule.  It was a fun family day just being at home.  Our plans for the evening included watching a movie together.  I vividly remember us sitting together as Thomas suddenly exclaimed, "Robert is married!"  He had found some information on social media.  Catherine and Andrew gasped.  I remember not being at all surprised, but that doesn't mean I wasn't hurt.  He had been gone 52 weeks at that point, and honestly, this was the day I think I kind of realized we were pretty much going to be going forward as a family of four.

Catherine reached out to him about this, and none of us heard from him for weeks.  I should have seen the writing on the wall.  He never would give us a mailing address of where he actually lived, just his official military address.  We didn't always have a current phone number for him.  I (in an effort to be hopeful) kind of assumed it was because he was out of the country and things didn't always work like they did here.  Robert had been an incredibly challenging teen, but we had always hoped some maturity and discipline from the military would help with his decision making, and we hoped some distance might help us to have a better relationship.

As weeks went on, we learned about so very many things he had not told us, or had flat out lied to us about since he had left for the Navy (including the fact he had been married six months before we found out).  His wife reached out to us at one point, and she seemed like a lovely young lady.  I knew very little about her, but we all wanted to be open-minded.  To this day, I truly know almost nothing about her.  I have no opinion of her.

Sadly, things did not get better with Robert.  We would hear from him, but usually only when he needed something, and that thing was pretty much always money.  The extended family was very hurt when they didn't hear from him at the holidays in any way...no card, no emails, not even a thank you for the generous gifts shipped to him.  We know he received the packages because he cashed the checks!  He never reached out to anyone in the family when relatives passed.  Many in the extended family were less than pleased by his behavior, especially in this day of easy communication.

Through it all, I can't say Andrew or I were surprised.  We knew there was a pretty good chance that Robert would one day be estranged from us for whatever reason.  We also knew it would be his choice.  We will never burn a bridge or refuse communication.  However, he has to want to be a part of the family.  We can't force him.  We took solace in that no matter what, he was not only a productive, tax-paying member of society, but he was serving our country.

Sadly, in February it seems as though his choices (which had apparently continued to be poor) caught up with him.  The Navy decided to part ways with him.  While he has not reached out to us since January (Thomas did receive a text February 1) we do know where he is and that he is safe.  He has let it be known that he wishes to completely separate from us.  Again, not surprised, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at times.  The most heart-wrenching part has been watching my other two children try to understand and process this.

I am putting this all out there because I kind of feel like sometimes it is the elephant in the room.  This is the story.  This will most likely be the last I write about Robert specifically, because at this point, this is where the story ends with him.  As his parents, we will never close the door completely on him.  He is our son and we love him.  As adults, Andrew and I are also able to recognize that sometimes life is better without drama and toxic relationships.  If Robert ever chooses to be a functioning part of this family, he will be welcome.  In the meantime, our little family of four is still full of much love, and we are blessed to have such an amazing extended family, and so very many supportive friends-like-family!

Unbearably hot

If you have read my blog for any amount of time, you are aware that I detest hot weather.  I have announced to my family that dinner this evening will be watermelon, ice cream, and popcorn.  If anyone tries to turn on a heating appliance to cook food they might get smacked.  I was outside earlier to hang out the laundry to dry, and I developed a headache and became nauseous just from that fifteen minutes.  It is MISERABLE.  Last night we were out walking at 9:30, and the heat index was 92 degrees.  Are you kidding me?  I am not cut out for this weather!

Musical instruments

When my brother-in-law passed away, he left nearly 20 guitars.  Andrew's cousin's son took one, Catherine took one, we sold one, and I think Thomas has decided he wanted four or five of them.  They were all electric, so the plan has been to trade them in on an acoustic guitar that Thomas had been wanting.  Yesterday was the day they finally planned to make that happen.  Unfortunately, they would only purchase three of the eleven that were taken (the rest need a few repairs), but as it worked out, along with birthday money designated as such, it was all enough to buy Thomas the guitar he wanted as well as purchase a ukulele that Catherine had been wanting.  They both came home yesterday absolutely thrilled with their new instruments, and I am so enjoying hearing my kids make music.  It is really awesome!

A twist

I have to apologize, as this is yet again another post about the job situation.  I received a phone call from the principal this morning letting me know that I did not get the job.  But the point of his call was to tell me that the attendance secretary had applied for the job, and they were moving her into that spot, so her job would be posted.  This is even better!  This job has the entire summer off, and that is exactly what I want.  I am so excited for this opportunity!  So, I guess here we go again.  It may be another three or four weeks before I know if this is happening, but all hope is not lost!

I miss it more than I thought I would

Thomas had his second band rehearsal this evening.  The director has them broken up into three different groups, and each group practices twice a week.  I'll be honest, it's kind of nice not to have the major commitment that band usually brings into our lives each year, and because of restrictions, I can't be there at all.  Honestly though, as I drove up this evening to pick up Thomas, my heart ached a bit.  While I don't miss the major commitment, I do regret that I can't be there at all.  I so much miss the kids that I know, and I regret not getting to know the new students.  It really drove home how much I'm going to miss being at the school this year if the year is mostly remote.  And if that is the case, I'm most likely going to ultimately end up with a job that has me leave subbing all together by next spring.  It makes my heart hurt, but I'll be okay.

Good things in the family

There are good things happening in our family as well, outside of my selfish job situation.  Catherine now only has episodes when she is falling asleep at night.  It's all rather odd, but that is exactly what it is.  We were able to make an appointment for her with a counselor yesterday, although it will be in two weeks.  It's a good start though.  Still no word from the hospital which is supposed to be doing a full eval on her, but at least we aren't just sitting around doing nothing about it.

Our family also had a lovely evening together last evening.  Thomas had done a couple of hours of in-car driving instruction, and we had pizza waiting when he got home.  Our family LOVES the potato pizza we discovered at the island last year.  We also decided it would be good to watch the musical Hamilton before we cancel Disney+ at the end of the month.  I wasn't sure how the kids would feel about it, but knowing that it was historical and Thomas loves music, I thought we had a shot at all enjoying it.  We did!  It was such a lovely way to spend the evening!

One more, and then moving on

Yesterday, I felt weary.  Just bone-tired, defeated to my core, weary.  Here is the thing...the job I am not getting is an absolutely perfect fit for me and my family.  No question about it.  No doubts.  I am certain.  Last week, I had truly grieved that it wasn't happening, but in grief, you eventually move to acceptance and I had done so.  This week I was at such peace with the situation.  Getting the phone call that I was being interviewed opened up the possibility again, and that was exciting.  So when it was apparent yesterday that I wasn't getting the job, I literally began the grief cycle again.  And honestly, a bit of irritation was thrown in that I had to go through it all over again.

Compounding my emotions was the news from Andrew yesterday.  In a meeting he had yesterday morning, he learned that the school is no longer confident they will be able to have significant "in-person" education this year.  In fact, the are now doubtful that they will even open in-person because all of the trends are going in the wrong direction.  That means, no sub teaching income for me, or at least not much of it, if we can get even a few weeks in-person.  It also means Andrew loses a not-insignificant supplemental position, so it really felt like a double-whammy.  No new job, and oh yeah, your fall-back isn't going to exist either.

On the upside, my grief cycle was much faster this time.  Through my tears last night (because crying alone in bed is how I roll), I formulated a plan.  We have savings.  I will not apply for any jobs (unless I come across a great office admin job somewhere) until January.  Hopefully there will be at least a little bit of subbing, but that way I can also be available to deal with whatever needs to happen with Catherine.  Selfishly, this way I also won't be working at the holidays.  We may need to travel to Andrew's family this year instead of bringing them to us, so I don't want to be "low-man" and have to work at holidays.  Andrew agreed this sounds like a good plan.  It gives us a little bit of time to just kind of work things out, and especially to see how school plays out with subbing.

So that is the plan, and I'm moving on.  No more sad posts about losing out on this job!

I am fairly certain I am not getting the job

My interview today wasn't great.  First of all, it was really weird for me to interview over video.  I'm a people person, and I like to be "in-person".  Secondly the principal even said it was difficult for them to interview me because they already know me so well.  They asked me absolutely no questions, and I only got to ask one question from my list.  Honestly, I think it was a "she-is-definitely-qualified-and-we-highly-respect-her-and-her-husband" interview.  They told me I am the only external candidate, which while flattering, means they are going to fill this internally.  The principal told me that dominos will fall, and there will most likely be an opening somewhere along the line.  The interview was less than ten minutes long, and it just didn't feel "real".  I can tell Andrew is really, really disappointed.  I get it.  Our income could easily take a 20% hit this year, and I need to quit being selfish and not let Andrew carry the burden for that by himself.  This morning, I just prayed that God would put me exactly where I am needed to be.  If it isn't at the school, then maybe I need to be available for my kids, especially if it turns out Catherine has lots of appointments.  We just don't know.  It's all so unknown, and I just have to have faith that it will all work out!

An interview

I have an interview tomorrow for the job I would love.  Since applications closed nearly two weeks ago, I assumed they had filled it internally and were hoping to absorb the position.  Given the revenue concerns, I would completely understand if that had been the case.  I am excited about it, but don't really want to get my hopes up.  The ironic thing is that I had really been feeling at peace with not working at all this year.  With everything so incredibly uncertain in every aspect of life (ours and everyone else!) I truly felt that this year would be what it would be, and with savings we would make it work.  Not ideally, but it would be fine.  And, perhaps that shall still be the case.  I am grateful for the interview though!

Monday morning surprise

Monday is one of the days of the week that Thomas is able to be a swim practice.  There is no league, but they are able to practice twice a week for five weeks.  He wanted to ride his bike to practice this morning, which means getting up even a little earlier than normal.

For the most part, our house is pretty well picked up after hosting so many people this weekend.  As the swim practices was literally the only thing on our calendar, I was looking forward to a pretty relaxing day, even if it was starting earlier than I prefer for summer wake-ups.  I opened the door to our garage to recycle a bottle, when I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye as I was closing the door.  I opened the door again, and sticking its head around the corner staring at me was a young raccoon.  Yikes!  I quickly opened the overhead door, then shut the door to the house so it understood it was not invited inside.  I opened a few minutes later, and it was nowhere to be seen.  Andrew checked the garage when he got up and said we were really lucky it didn't do more damage.  We will have to be very conscientious about making sure the overhead door is down.  It was quite a surprise on this Monday morning!

Four months since "normal"

Four months ago today was the last day of school before things shut down.  It seems so hard to believe that much time has passed.  We are supposed to be starting school in six weeks.  Although our school has announced the "all-in" reopening plan for the fall, I lose optimism each day that it will last more than a couple of weeks at best.  I am grateful that I don't have a senior this coming year.  Catherine was able to get in 3/4 of her year.  The class of 2021 could lose so much more.    I am so grateful I have been able to share all of this with my family.

It turned out to be a truly lovely afternoon

I am so incredibly grateful for how yesterday turned out.  Catherine loved the afternoon, and we are so very grateful.  Overall, we had about 45 people here, and most of them stayed the bulk of the time.  In fact, our close group of friends stayed until past 9:00, and our dear friends stayed until after Midnight.  Catherine loved getting to spend the day with one of her best friends, and I just can't put into words how special the afternoon was.  Our backyard is large and everyone commented on how well suited it was to an afternoon outdoors.  We had horseshoes and ping pong (moved out from the garage).  When we were alerted to impending rain, everyone jumped into action to help us get things brought in...even the little kids.  It was truly an absolutely delightful afternoon, and I am so grateful that we were able to make that happen for Catherine!

Ugh. Just ugh.

The word today is that our county is still moving in the wrong direction.  We are very close to being at Level 4, which would basically be very similar to a stay-at-home order, although businesses would not shut down right away.  It is so discouraging.

We've also learned that it seems, at best, 30 people will be here this weekend.  I feel so awful for Catherine.  Things have gone downhill so very quickly in the last ten days.  We really tried to make the best decision for her that we could.  Again, just ugh.  I'm grateful that many people are still sending cards.  The hard part, and this might be irrational, but I hate the fact that there was such a big celebration for Robert, and it feels as though she has missed so much.

On the upside, the people who are coming are pretty much our dearest friends, and we are so grateful for them.  I know that we will have a good time, and perhaps Catherine isn't really up a big crowd anyway.

We are also hearing about more and more cancellations for the fall.  I am no longer particularly optimistic that there will be college football, or pro football, or any high school fall sports or activities.  I think we will be lucky to actually have any in-person school at this point.  Andrew told me today that he is stressed about all of this.  I get it, there is so much unknown.

I try to tell myself that we are lucky because we are healthy, and Andrew is getting paid, and things are pretty good, overall.  There is just so much unpleasant news, and so much nastiness out there right now.  Some days it is hard to be upbeat!

Things are definitely heading in the wrong direction

The statistics from Ohio are simply not good today.  It's pretty discouraging.  As I told Andrew last night, in March when this all started, it felt easier to do.  We were going to do what we needed to do and then things would get better.  That's the American way.  But here we are four months later, and things are NOT better.  In fact, the numbers are actually worse.  Which means the reality is, four months hasn't been enough, and five, six, even seven months won't be enough either.  It's difficult to process that from an emotional standpoint.

I hate that Catherine's graduation party is going to be poorly attended.  She so deserves to be celebrated.  I'll be honest, it infuriates me that there was a big celebration for my oldest, and she's getting the shaft in so many ways when she deserves it so much more.  That might sound terrible of me to say, but that is the truth.  I do appreciate that some are sending a note to her even if they can't come.  I just want her to know right now how much we all think of her.  It's kind of hard to explain.

And the worst news today came from family.  I wrote in March about Andrew's cousin who was driving cross county and stopped in for a visit.  He's had some complications from the cancer, and today's information was particularly bleak.  Things are going poorly, and they are running out of options.

I'm sorry that my posts have all been kind of down lately.  It's all just becoming a little overwhelming.  I know we are blessed overall, but today definitely has some sadness!

It's easy to feel down today

The emotions, feelings, and stress are starting to get to me.  Our county is at Level 3, which in Ohio means masks are now required at all times, except at personal residences.  I don't mind the mask thing, but I worry about the virus overall.  It is scary.

This weekend is Catherine's graduation party.  Needless to say, the timing is not the greatest.  We had postponed it from June to July hoping things would be better, but they are not.  We will do everything we can to have things outdoors, but that creates other stresses.  Not to mention it is supposed to be hotter than Hades here this weekend, and could rain.  Thank goodness Catherine is stronger and should be able to handle being outdoors, at least sitting.  We know that if we don't have a party for her this weekend, it won't happen.  She has lost so very much from these last few months, and we hate to have her lose this as well.  We totally understand that many people will feel uncomfortable being here, and we just hope that they will still acknowledge her, at least with a note to congratulate her.  Right now it feels like no matter what we do, it's the wrong thing.

School is proving to be stressful as well.  The district is beginning to "walk back" the plans to go all in for the fall.  I understand, but can't help but feel stressed about it as well.  I probably shouldn't be, but uncertainty and change are not things I do well handling.

And then of course, there is just the general nastiness that has come along with the politicization of all of it.  I don't understand how suddenly everyone is an expert in every area.  It's maddening, and at times terrifying.

We will get through this, and overall our lives are incredibly blessed.  I need to remember that.

Deciding what is next

I saw a meme this morning that said to take a chance and be brave in taking that chance.  That really makes me wonder about what is next for me.  Obviously, I am not getting the job at the school that I wanted.  The fact that I didn't even get an interview for a job I am so unbelievably qualified for indicates that I will never get hired by the school for any permanent positions.  It is what it is.

I thought last night that I needed to get a job this year, where ever I could find one.  I am even willing to work at Kroger, although that is obviously not what I am going for.  I can't continue to be selfish and only work during school hours.  If school shuts down again, not only would I be out of subbing, but Andrew would lose a significant supplemental.  It could cost us over 15% of our income.  That is not an insignificant loss.  Because we are fairly frugal in our monthly expenses, I am not sure where we could cut to make up that loss.

However, we have been able to build our savings back up.  Right now, we just don't know what is going to be happening with Catherine, who although she is doing better, transitioning to and from sleep causes episodes.  Maybe I am just meant to be home this year so that I can be available for whatever life throws at us.

I think for right now, I am just going to take a chance on faith.  I am going to take each day as it comes, and be grateful for it.  As I keep telling everyone around me, things are going to be okay.  Now I need to start acting like that is exactly the case.

I guess it wasn't meant to be

Last Thursday was the deadline to apply for the job I really wanted.  I had thought that they would begin to set up interviews that day.  Andrew assured me they might want until after the deadline, and since the offices were closed Friday for the holiday, he was certain I would get a call this morning.  Sadly, it is now after Noon, and no call has come.  I don't mean to brag, but I really thought I was perfect for the job.  I can't believe I didn't even get an interview.  Not only did I think my skills and contacts were a fabulous fit for the job, but I because they knew me I thought I had proven I was a good worker.  Not even getting an interview makes me wonder if it is time for me to get a job that is entirely elsewhere.  I try to tell myself this the way it is supposed to be, and it will work out however is best.

It's hot

The weather around here has become oppressive.  Early afternoon the heat index was 97 degrees.  Ugh.  Nothing fun about that.  I don't know how Andrew managed to paint outside all day!  I just checked the forecast again because it had suddenly started raining.  At nearly 11:00, the heat index is 85 degrees.  This is not the kind of weather I enjoy, although it has been this way for days, and this is all there is in the forecast for the next week.  July is definitely here!

Independence Day weekend

We've spent most of the weekend cleaning and painting.  We did take some time last evening to go visit friends.  It was nice to get out and see other people for a while, and I know it was especially good for the kids.  Catherine's episodes are becoming fairly predictable, which is helpful.  As long as she doesn't get overly tired, she is functioning fairly well.  We started letting the episodes run their course, and they are usually lasting only 10-15 seconds.  This can be difficult, but it could be so much worse.  Overall, it wasn't a bad long weekend at all!

My grandfather's Army jacket

In all of the chaos of the last week, I forgot to write about my grandfather's army jacket.  As our family has been going through things, we came across my grandfather's army jacket.  Grandpa served in the Pacific in WWII.  He passed away when I was 13, so we never discussed his service time, but Mom told me he was in supply, not in combat.  When Mom came across the jacket, she hung it in the living room.  Last week, when we were there, she told me she was thinking about giving it to Thomas.  I told her he would love to have it, but it was her decision.  She said that he has worked really hard so she called him into the room and told him he could have it.  His face absolutely lit up and he looked at mom and me, thanked my mom, and told us he really, really liked it.  Tears filled my mother's eyes.  She was so pleased that my son had something from her dad that truly meant something to him.  It was very emotional for us.  When Thomas got home, he tried it on.  It made me emotional to think that my grandfather was only a few years older than Thomas is now when he was wearing it.  It's very special.

I am finally legal

Fifteen years ago I purchased my first minivan.  We bought it used off of a private owner.  Because the previous owner had originally purchased it out of state, there was no front license plate bracket.  That was not legal in Ohio, but I never did anything about it.  Generally speaking I knew that I wasn't going to get pulled over just for that.  Almost seven years later, we purchased our next mini-van, also used, but this time from a dealer.  We realized that it didn't have a front bracket either!  We never did anything about it either.  Last year we traded that van in on our used C-RV, which we also purchased from a dealer.  Many Hondas are made right here in Ohio, but lo and behold there was no front bracket on this vehicle either!  Finally a year ago, Ohio passed a law that the front bracket would no longer be required, but it wasn't going to go in effect until July 1 of this year.  Finally, the day has arrived.  After fifteen years, my vehicle is legal again!

We can keep this in perspective

Catherine is having about 50 episodes a day.  However, she is not in any physical danger.  When she isn't having an episode, she is in good spirits and can function well.

Saturday is the one-year anniversary of the passing of the eight-year-old son of friends.  It is heart-breaking.  A teacher in our former school district, the mother of two children aged seven & two, passed away yesterday.  I can't even imagine.

We will get through this.  We can deal with this.  We currently have a "new normal" but so does most of the country in some way.  I absolutely have faith that our family will be stronger on the other side of this.

The year is half way over.  What a year it has been!

I could NOT be more proud

Andrew received an email today that made me cry.  I could NOT be more proud of my kids.  If ever there was a time we needed this, it is right now.

A neighbor forwarded an article from this past weekend's newspaper.  It was about a special needs young man and his participation on the high school swim team.  The article interviewed the young man's mother.  She mentioned that the entire team had been supportive of her son, but that two in particular really made it possible for her son to participate.  She goes on to explain how devoted Catherine was to her son.  It then goes on to mention that the second person who was instrumental in helping her son was Thomas!  Oh my goodness!  As I told my kids, rarely in life do you get to know how much you touch a person's life to this extent, and yet this woman made sure everyone ready knew.  I am so grateful, and so incredibly proud of my kids!  They are good people!